Contemplating Cheating...

[Brennalou69]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years.  There have been many ups and downs includig his drug and alcohol abuse, cheating by him early in our relationship and more.  We have 2 great children and I stuck through it all because I wanted to raise them with their family intact.

After two years in jail, when he was released we got married...and it has been a downhill slope ever since. We don't have anything in common (kids are now older and I feel they were the common bond previously), we don't have conversation, we have very little mutual interests.  He had a relapse about 3 months ago and I am now struggling to find a reason to stay. We have seperated and he has moved out but are both in counseling both seperately and together.

Enter a friend who I don't see very often due to distance between us - but a strong emotional and intellectual connection. Without saying it, I know he feels it too.  We both dance around the subject but know if the right situation and timing presented itself it could lead to something more.  Part of me is hoping for that and part of me is struggling to find the strength to keep fighting for my marriage because it was a committment I made.  

What do I do?

[teko]

It sounds like you are straddling the fence to me. 20 years and 2 kids later, marriage is stale and a third party looking very enticing to you? You are not satisfied with the current and afraid of the unknown future. You accepted this man with all his faults up till now. Regardless of what you may tell yourself, it was more than just staying for the kids sake. Cheating is not an option as it will only lead to more misery for yourself, your husband, your kids and even the person and his family that you cheat with. Is that fair to anyone? I agree if the marriage is over then stand up and end it in an honorable way. Altho my guess is if you spent as much time trying to regain things with your husband to see if he is willing to change or meet you halfway to revive the relationship, in doing this you will find your answer. Cheating only brings about more questions. And usually ends in more misery for all. If you really wanted to leave you would not have any doubts. You would just do it, so something is holding you and it is not your husbands issues. Good luck on whatever you decide.

[lovemykids465]

If you are not happy divorce. Cheating is going to lead to one anyway and if your husband is as unstable as you say then cheating may throw him over the edge. If he had these problems when you married him, why did you decided to marry? Remember your vows? For better or worse, sickness and health, Richer or poorer.

[specialmom]

Hm.  You've been together for 20 years.  You have children.  You've had many ups and downs and some serious issues that you've stuck in there for.  He was good enough for you right after jail and in fact you married.  Your doing therapy to try to save things.  It's not working.

Well, I think I have the picture straight.  If you would like to not be married to him anymore, then divorce him.  Do not start up with another man right away because coming right out of one long term (and problemed) relationship and starting a new one doesn't usually work out very well.  And the statistics for those couples that get together while someone is still married are also terrible in that few of those relationships make it.

So for two reasons, you should consider divorce rather than cheating.  One)  you did make a commitment and you immediately become the bad guy for cheating.  Most can't look past that and I think your kids and ex would find it hard to forgive you. Let alone yourself.  and Two)  to give a new relationship an actual chance of survival--- then do it the right way.  

There is no shame in trying to work out a marriage and deciding it can't be saved.  But there is great shame in cheating.  This is just my opinion only and I hope it all works out for you.  Peace.

[penswriter]

There is no excuse for cheating. None. If life is that horrible with him, you know you would feel guilty, leave. Even if you feel bad for divorcing him at least you won't have to worry about cheating, him holding everything over your head or him cheating again. Cheating is NOT the answer.

[mami1323]

Perhaps you did.  I just don't think cheating is the answer.  I think it's completely atrocious thing to do, and you would know given that he had done it to you.  Think how it changed you as a person.  Your husband isn't mentally stable either, so it would effect him that much more.  Keep thinking about what you want and make the best decision possible.  I don't think cheating is the right answer, I think walking away amicably and with some self respect is the easier thing to do.  

[Brennalou69]

mami1323:  I would absolutely feel guilty for cheating on him...just as I would for leaving him. As much as I and our therapist have articulated what I feel is lacking from our marriage, I truly think he is just not capable.   The attraction to the other person is that there is an emotional and intellectual component that exists that I don't have.

Am I seeing more that is there? Possibly.  Why are my demands from my partner suddenly different than they were before? I have no clue. I just have so much going on that I don't know how to sift though the garbage to figure out what I actually want and if my husband can or is able to provide it. Perhaps we really just did grow apart amidst the chaos in our lives...

[AHP84]

Just my thoughts here, but if he's willing to do almost anything you ask, yet holds any favor over your head and puts you on a guilt trip, that is not loving and caring. That is controlling and manipulative.
Can you trust him to continue to get the proper psychological care, rehabilitation counseling, and honestly tell yourself that he truly does love you with no strings attached to favors he does for you?
I'm not going to advise you to divorce him or not divorce him. Just simply ask yourself that question and lead yourself into your decision (with further counsel) from there.

[mami1323]

Well you will only confuse yourself more if you add another person into the mix.  I would sort through your emotions and decisions first.  That would be a perfect thing to do with your individual therapist.  If your husband is trying then perhaps some tweaking on the areas where he is lacking could help.  I would refrain from any extra marital affairs.  It won't help your situation and it will make you feel worse.  I just can't fathom how you would feel guilty leaving him but you wouldn't feel guilty cheating on him.  It doesn't make much sense to me.

And as far as the annulment comment, you can't get an annulment after 20 years of marriage.

[Brennalou69]

Just to clarify...once he was released from jail (where he was diagnosed bipolar) his meds have for the most part been successful. With the exception of the distance between us and his recent relapse, he is nothing but loving, caring, and willing to do almost anything I ask (to the point that it appears to be ***-kissing...and makes me feel like I am taking advantage of him).

I feel guilt in thinking of leaving and despair in the thought of going through a divorce with all the red tape and arguments over money, pets, kids, homes, etc. that it may involve.   I really NEED to be 100% sure before I travel that path. :(

[penswriter]

Like mami said if you want to cheat...get a divorce. The marriage sounds like it's already over.

[mami1323]

Get a divorce.  I don't think there is much of a reason to stay but I would hate for your marriage to be tainted because you cheated.  Let him be the bad one.  If you are contemplating cheating then to me I think the marriage is over with.