19 year old daughter too close with dad. Help!

[avn3day]

Okay I have a question...  What happens when you have a dad who is 50 years old and is way to affectionate to his 19 year old daughter.  Do you think it's weird for her to be in his bed???  Okay, there was a death in the family.  The father had his brother stay over along with his wife and two teens (16 and 18).  I noticed that his bedroom door was shut.  When I opened the door I saw him caressing his daughters hair while she was lying next to him.  Immediately I said on purpose "Oh I don't mean to bother you both, I'll leave you guys alone.  Do you want me to shut the door"  Father, says yes.  Can anyone please give let me know if this is strange???  I feel that he is too touchy with her.

[teko]

Sounds like he was consoling his daughter... Is it because they were laying on a bed with the door shut that you think its inappropriate? U got issues. Im sorry but that is just looking for stuff that isnt there imo. Unless they were naked with their legs wrapped around each other I wouldnt buy anything else into it. Therepy may help.

[specialmom]

Well nettie, if you feel he is sexual with her, why don't you call child protective services.  You can do so anonomously.  

Sometimes I do think that someone's teenage child may not like the girlfriend/wife and dad then seperates that out and it impacts the dynamics.  You'll have some men who won't fall for that and some that will.  And then to the girlfriend/spouse---  it appears that they are a click leaving her out.  I do think that goes on and know a teen age girl that does not like her father's girlfriend.  She is over the top to show this girlfriend that SHE is more important to her dad than the girlfriend.  The dad likes the girlfriend but is a bit indifferent about it, loves his child and obvliviously gives his daughter lots of attention when she is giving him lots of attention.  They act very very close.  And they are.  Not sexual though. Just bonded and tight.  

I see the above scenario as a problem with the DAD.  If he values his girlfriend, he makes both her and his daughter feel important.  He expects good  behavior out of his daughter and girlfriend to each other.  

anyway, that was long and possibly irrelevent.  Just some extra thoughts on the subject.  When a man has children and then a new partner or a woman in that situation, they need to balance both roles as parent and partner and make all feel important and valued.  

Again, if sexual activity is suspected-----------  call the authorities to help the child in the situation.  good luck

[NettieB]

We are not the same person. I was just reading her post and was amazed at how some of the details are the same. My BF's daughter is 15 (turning 16 this month) and seems to have become his "wife," and she's right, this is hard to describe/explain. The last weeks, he has cut me out of his life completely, and I feel confident that there is not another woman.  He just wants to be with his daughter all the time. He acts with her the way he was with me in the early "infatuation" stage of our relationship...but this is almost 9 years later for us. His daughter was 7 when we started dating. This has only happened since she moved in with him full time, and she went through puberty in a big way. When he took his key back the other day, I was concerned that he doesn't want me to walk in on something? It's all just creeping me out.

[specialmom]

My comment wasn't to insult bio parents or step parents but to say that very often when a spouse sees affection between their child and the other parent, it is seen differently than when it is someone's new partner.  Why this happens is not a knock on either step or bio parents but the dynamics of the situation are often different that can lead to more questions/concerns and different kinds of feelings regarding the affection.  That is my opinion on that anyway.  I have not seen many (any?) posts from a bio parent concerned about this.  

I do think any time someone is worried that their partner is sexual with a child, it is time to act.  period.  

[Londres70]

Agree with Brice1967.  Sounds like he was just consoling his daughter.

In my opinion this situation can happen whether you are a bio parent or stepparent, etc. and the frequency of this issue being discussed by bio parents or stepparents has really no significance.  I am a bio parent and a stepparent and this issue has NEVER been discussed in my house thank goodness.  I also have family members and friends who are stepparents or are in relationships with men/women who have children and this has never been an issue as well.  

"Too much affection" is very subjective and I think it would depend on what a person is comfortable with, not whether they are a bio parent or not.  

Sounds like the issue may be that the daughter is receiving more affection from her father than the poster is OR the poster is witnessing some questionable situations involving affection between her partner and his daughter.  

[specialmom]

I don't think affection with our children is wrong.  Nope.  You rarely see these discussions from bio parents . . .

But if one suspects their partner of being sexual with their child, they should always call cps and move on.  good luck

[brice1967]

I'm not sure I am getting this.  There was a death in the family, and you caught the father rubbing his daughters hair.... I guess you could draw whatever conclusions you want from that vague scenario.

The information you gave sounds an awful lot like a father consoling his daughter after a tough loss in the family.  

The scenario is very vague.  I can assure you that my mother and I had some "closed door" conversations and nothing resembling anything risque took place....   It really sounds like you are trying to catch this guy doing something or are looking for a back door out of the relationship.  if this man is not paying you the attention you think is appropriate, speak to him about that.  If you are uncomfortable about how he interacts, let him know and let him know that you want out of the relationship.

It's time to talk or leave....

[RockRose]

avn,  are you and NettieB the same person?  The details and writing style are so strikingly similar although a few minor details are different.

[specialmom]

I just answered this in another thread.  

Your second post in that thread talked about how you are not living with this man and he is doing these things in his home.  And that his adult daughter and he do things without you and make you a third wheel when you are around.

I don't know if this is strange or not-------  as very much of what you posted in the other thread was not about a touchy feely relationship but how you were left out and "feared that if she is around you will be left behind".  

My answer to you is that strange or not, this is the reality of this man.  We date  to find out what we need to know in order to take the relationship to the next level or not.  In this case, you say this man's values do not match yours and you are left out of his relationship with his daughter.  He does appear to put that relationship over and above the one with you.  So, with this information-------  I suggest that you move on from this man and this relationship.  I don't think he is going to change this dynamic with his daughter as I suspect you've asked him or made your feelings known (and if not, then I guess start there).

Life is too short to have these kinds of problems with the man in our life.  

And if you do feel he is sexual with her at all, there is no question what you should do (be gone like yesterday).  good luck.  While it is hard, moving on gives you the opportunity to find a better partner to fit your needs and values (as you said he and you are different in that area).