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Affair with co worker
I have been with my fiancee for 8 years. Not so happily. But I got talking to a coworker and we both admitted we feel in love more than could ever be explained. It was as if we were the same person inside. He's married and has a 12 year old girl. So i made sure and told him not to jump into anything. Well he went back and stayed with his wife and I stayed with my fiance...and am trying to work suff out but I don't understand how a love so real can just up and disappear? I still love him more than anything but he acts like it was never there. Is this just his cover up or was he just using me to try and get sex? It never happened that was what was so special about us? He won't even come around me anymore. I don't know how to move on...any advice?
I know how hard it is, and these women are giving you some valid advice. Oceans is right about the cheating...and if you end up with him, you may very quickly suspect him of doing the same to you.
Personally, it feels to me that he MAY still hold an attraction towards you...BUT, he has obviously made the choice to stay with his family. I wouldn't push it anymore. I totally understand how difficult it can be to get over him. If you distance yourself as much as possible, you will notice that he will be less and less in your thoughts as time goes on. You can do this.
In addition, I personally don't feel that you should tie the knot with your fiance. Maybe all of this happened for a reason: you shouldn't marry the man you are with. It doesn't mean you should marry the co-worker, but it certaninly says you should not marry your fiance...I would not. Divorce isn't fun.
OCEANS~ I am so proud of your careful and tactful way that you responded to her...I know your personal feelings on this issue, and feel that you did your best to respond in a diplomatic manner! You provided valid advice, and she is probably glad that you did post! :)
Personally, it feels to me that he MAY still hold an attraction towards you...BUT, he has obviously made the choice to stay with his family. I wouldn't push it anymore. I totally understand how difficult it can be to get over him. If you distance yourself as much as possible, you will notice that he will be less and less in your thoughts as time goes on. You can do this.
In addition, I personally don't feel that you should tie the knot with your fiance. Maybe all of this happened for a reason: you shouldn't marry the man you are with. It doesn't mean you should marry the co-worker, but it certaninly says you should not marry your fiance...I would not. Divorce isn't fun.
OCEANS~ I am so proud of your careful and tactful way that you responded to her...I know your personal feelings on this issue, and feel that you did your best to respond in a diplomatic manner! You provided valid advice, and she is probably glad that you did post! :)
my apologies..i went back to read your post more carefully (some parts were confusing)but i see you did NOT have sex with your co-worker. okay, thats cool, but i still stand by the other stuff i said and IF you did/do, it still applies.
also, how can you know you are so in love with someone you have known such a short time? its just new and different thats all.
i still vote move on without the co-worker. if he does come back to you, be strong and mature...tell him you want to be with him but only when both of you are available.
again, sorry about the error i made.
also, how can you know you are so in love with someone you have known such a short time? its just new and different thats all.
i still vote move on without the co-worker. if he does come back to you, be strong and mature...tell him you want to be with him but only when both of you are available.
again, sorry about the error i made.
I know it's a bbig disaster.....but he's is acting still intersted without just saying....and yes I think I need to have his whole attention and he kept insisting that he wanted to leave and just wanted to stay til after the holidays for his daughter's sake....and I told him that he didn't have to be with me I wanted whatever makes him happy and if that was staying where he was then I would be happy for him and his wife was on the phone with him when he told me he didn't want to talk anymore. Yet he still talks to me some about work but I think that he's affraid I will tell my fiancee about it if he says anything else but he still looks at me like he still has feelings. But the co-worker is 31 and I am 21. But thanks for the positive and neg. advice...I am going to just let him go and I will not pursue anymore to talk to him.
"I feel like his wife had him say the mean things to me on the phone and he still loves me."
So you had a phone conversation, and he said mean things, but you still don't believe him? If he said those things and he's still avoiding you, then he meant what he said. If he was forced to say those things by his wife, then he would be doing everything he could to let you know that's not how he really feels.
I'm sorry, honey. It sounds like you're really in love with him, but it sounds like he's moved on.
So you had a phone conversation, and he said mean things, but you still don't believe him? If he said those things and he's still avoiding you, then he meant what he said. If he was forced to say those things by his wife, then he would be doing everything he could to let you know that's not how he really feels.
I'm sorry, honey. It sounds like you're really in love with him, but it sounds like he's moved on.
forgive me if i do not get all of the details straight (i didnt FULLY read yours and others post) but there are SO many things WRONG with this picture. for starters, you and your fiance have been together for 8? yrs UNHAPPILY. red flag.
next, you have a sexual affair sex with a married co-worker who has a 12 yr old. red flag.
now he seems standoffish. he's not looking for a "relationship", he is in one already. perhaps just a sexual one. dont you deserve someone who can give you all of his attention and not part of it? there are so many pieces to a marriage.
besides, if he is identical to you then you most likely will not get along down the road. most couples who are that much alike usually end up getting on each others nerves. you need to compliment each other, not be each others twin.
lastly...IF the two of you ended up with each other, it would most likely be all fine and dandy until he does something of the suspicious nature. you will suspect him of having an affair. i can guarentee it. i mean, why not? he cheated on HIS wife with you? honestly, the whole situation makes my tummy turn and i thought about not posting. i probably shouldnt have as you came here for advice but this is my advice i guess. sorry to be so negative but the whole situation is negative isnt it? its a recipie for disaster where nobody wins. i hope you stop seeing that co-worker and decide to either work it out somehow with your fiance or call off the wedding. you do not seem ready for a marriage. best of luck to you and the decisions you make.
next, you have a sexual affair sex with a married co-worker who has a 12 yr old. red flag.
now he seems standoffish. he's not looking for a "relationship", he is in one already. perhaps just a sexual one. dont you deserve someone who can give you all of his attention and not part of it? there are so many pieces to a marriage.
besides, if he is identical to you then you most likely will not get along down the road. most couples who are that much alike usually end up getting on each others nerves. you need to compliment each other, not be each others twin.
lastly...IF the two of you ended up with each other, it would most likely be all fine and dandy until he does something of the suspicious nature. you will suspect him of having an affair. i can guarentee it. i mean, why not? he cheated on HIS wife with you? honestly, the whole situation makes my tummy turn and i thought about not posting. i probably shouldnt have as you came here for advice but this is my advice i guess. sorry to be so negative but the whole situation is negative isnt it? its a recipie for disaster where nobody wins. i hope you stop seeing that co-worker and decide to either work it out somehow with your fiance or call off the wedding. you do not seem ready for a marriage. best of luck to you and the decisions you make.
I know I had thought of this but my fiancee is not that understanding and thinks counseling is for the mentally insain. Maybe I am....I don't know and I know I need to give him my whole heart we just lost a child together and that should have made us closer but instead I ran to "co-worker". I know I should just move on but I have never had feeling that felt so strong with any other human being it was if we were shown each other for a reason. I believe everything happens for a reason but what on earth can the reason be for this? And I want to move on with my fiancee and us be happy together but I am scared if "co-worker" comes back I will end up running back to him.
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