Am I too much? Insecurity!

[Starlite09]

Hi all! I've been with my boyfriend for the last two years and we have recently moved in together. We have been through a lot together. My boyfriend helped my self esteem - which isn't great - and helped me deal with **** from my childhood, while I helped him cut down on drinking which was a problem for him but isn't now. He wasn't an alcoholic but he was on a slippery slope.
Despite him making the huge commitment of moving in with me into our own apartment, I still need constant reassurance of his love. He is great at this in fairness, always giving me little kisses and hugs here and there, telling me that he loves me, how much I mean to him, that I'm beautiful and that he wants to hold me forever (sounds like a dream man, i know!). Not perfect - not exactly a domestic god but he tries and I love him for it. Despite all this, I can still manage to be insecure.
Sex is a big thing to me. My boyfriend is the only person I've ever had a sexual experience with and this is my first relationship so I'm growing and maturing all the time. He sometimes doesn't have the same appetite for sex as I do. I want sex most days, sometimes numerous times. When he doesn't want sex, I get insecure and question why, am I not attractive, etc. I know this is crazy as he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't attracted to me. The thing is I seem to sometimes associate sex with love, or confuse it some might say.
I suffered sexual abuse as a child and I believe this abuse has led me to have a twisted 'obsessive' view on sex. As the abuse was ongoing, I seem to have picked up the belief that sex is all men want and it is how to keep them happy. No matter how much my boyfriend tells me that I don't need to do stuff for him all the time, I am always very eager to please him. It's sometimes too much for him as he sometimes just wants to cuddle me and relax, whereas on some level, I think he must want it.
I know the insecurity, questioning on why he doesn't feel like sex, and feeling as though it's always something to do with me, has too be a turn off rather than a turn on and doesn't help the situation.
I know he loves me so much. Why can I not accept this and be happy? Why question it all the time. I know I'm being irrational and hypersensitive but sometimes I can't help myself.
I know some of you will think counselling is the answer to the problem and you could be right but it's not an option I personally want. I have had it before (not really by choice) and didn't find great benefit from it.
I love this guy to bits. He's so good to me and for me and he is the best thing to ever walk into my life. I'm terrified of driving him away with my insecurity.
Any advice?? It would be greatly appreciated.

[megochick101]

Sorry forgot to erase the last paragraph after I incorporated my thoughts into the first so disregard that last sentence lol

[megochick101]

Just because you go to counseling doesn't mean you have to tell the world what happened to you. You don't even have to tell anyone you are seeing a counselor unless you want to. If you do not want medication you can tell the therapist that. They can't force you to take it. Sometimes you can't just do everything by yourself. I know how you feel though, I always want to handle my own problems and not rely on anyone else, but sometimes you have to realize that the best thing for yourself is to seek outside help. It's wonderful that your boyfriend is loving and caring and very supportive of you, but he doesn't have the skills to help you that a trained professional will. And outsider can see things our loved ones and we ourselves can't see and that can be the best thing for you!

As to the drugs, if you don't want medication fro your depression simply say so. The therapist can't force you to take meds.

[Starlite09]

Thank you for the advice.
In answer to your question no-one ever knew about the abuse. I told my boyfriend about it because i trust him 100% and because I thought he deserved some sort of an explanation for the strange behaviour.
I think i also have mild depression which is why i am afraid of counselling as i'm afraid they'll put me on medication. I don't want that as I think the feelings are caused by external factors in my life, such as the abuse, and I don't want drugs for this. I'd like to be able to deal with my problems myself! I hope this explains why i don't want counselling.

[Judy246]

disregard that last part that I should deleted...thanks, Judy

[Judy246]

After carefully reviewing your post, your b/f sounds like a great guy and they are hard to find now a days, so consider yourself very fortunate to have him.

Here are the "red flag" problems that I was able to catch from your post:

* Self esteem problems, but you are aware of it.
* Need "constant" reassurance (which goes back to self esteem issues)
* Admit to being insecure
* B/f doesn't have same sex drive and makes you "insecure", followed by self doubt.
* Associate sex with love (Red flag) - Men do not! You are also aware of it.
* Victim of sexual abuse (Red flag) - trauma, which needed counseling. This type of
  untreated trauma results in emotionally dysfunctional and overly needy behavior, which
  can destroy relationships.
* Obsessive view on sex (Red flag), which is a result of long term abuse and it's and
  unhealty expectations and can cause strain on relationship and also be destructive.
* Self awareness of being "irrational and hypersensitive" (Red flag)
* Counseling not an option (Red flag)....Reality check...WRONG!  Only option.
* Fears- you are going to drive him away if you continue with this behavior and  
  insecurities.

Ok, Starlight, I am going to simply tell it like I see it ok, and I mean no offense or do not take it personally....You are your own worst enemy, You have a great guy, but have become obsessive and needy and these behavior are self destructive to you and your relationship. Did you ever get the proper treatment and counseling for the sexual abuse?

And here it goes...you know what I'm going to say next....The only way you are going to get pass all of these self destructive feeling and emotions is with counseling. Just because you had one bad experience or didn't care to go, doesn't mean that there isn't one good counselor that can help you and get to the bottom of your inner emotions and what has happened in the past, so it does not effect your future and you can move forward, make your b/f happy and enjoy life the way it should be enjoyed, but you know all this don't you....Good luck...Judy






You know the answer...."You will drive him away with your insecurities" and I know you don't want to hear what I'm going to say, but you are in need of counseling and you know it. If it is not what you want to hear, but your going to hear it anyway...you need counseling to talk about your past abuse, sort out all your troubles and get you back on track, before you will lose this great guy.