Hello, my mother and I have a very dysfunctional relationship and I could really use some advice. My parents’ divorce was finalized when I was 15 (they divorced because she was a chronic cheater), the day my father packed up all of his things and moved out, my mother’s boyfriend moved in. This was literally within 20 minutes of my father leaving.
Her boyfriend was an absolute monster. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to my younger brother and I, as well as my mom. The abuse became physical within the first three to six months. My memory is a bit hazy because I think I have subconsciously tried to block majority of it out. Initially, he was only physically abusive to my mother. The cops were constantly at our house for domestic abuse, when I look back now I am shocked my brother and I were not removed from the home by social services.
Every time the cops would come, because I called 911 (she never would have), she would tell the officers that I was lying. However it was always very obvious that he did indeed abuse her, so he would be whisked off for a night. Upon his return, my mother would always say, “You better put on a f*cking smile and go say hello to him. This is all your fault.”
One time, which I will never forget, I was outside with one of the officers who had come to my house several times before. I was filling out my statement of what had happened, and I was very shaken up. He proceeded to take me in the house, walk me right up to my mother, and ask her point blank, “How could you put this guy before her? I have children too Ms. *****, and I would love to know how you can do that.” She proceeded with the usual, “She’s lying” response. Even more upset than I was initially, we went back outside and as I was finishing up writing my statement the officer looked me dead in the eyes and said, “As soon as you turn 18, get the hell out of here.” The look on his face has been burned into my brain ever since.
I was constantly afraid her boyfriend was going to molest or rape me. Luckily, I thank god everyday this never happened. Within two years, my brother moved out. I naively stayed with my mother, wanting to protect her. She and her boyfriend both were raging alcoholics, which sparked majority of the physical altercations.
My mother has always been a selfish person, constantly putting relationships before her children and family. I should also note that my mother was not an angel either, she was constantly spouting off verbally and emotionally damaging remarks as well. After about five years of living with this man, he left her. He moved to Europe for business. I thought the troubles were over, though I knew I could never forgive my mother for the abuse she had put me through as a child.
Upon him leaving, she became extremely promiscuous. Out drinking all hours of the night, bringing home strange men, it is really very bad. Her drinking has continued to increase, and she is constantly emotionally, verbally, and occasionally physically abuse toward me. Somehow, I still feel “stuck” with her. I am almost afraid to leave her alone because I fear she may harm herself. I believe she suffers from depression, if not other mental ailments.
I want to forgive my mother, really I do. However, I just cannot. I truly hate her. She is a miserable person who has dragged everyone else along with her. In my own weird, unconventional way, I do love my mother, just not enough to let these things go. I was robbed of my childhood, essentially parenting her. My question is, am I wrong? Am I being selfish? Would you be able to look past all of this? What would you do?
I have kept this post short and sweet in comparison to what I have endured. I am not looking for a pity party, just honest answers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I truly will take all responses to heart.