Cheating or Stalked?

[kirin283]

I have a very awkward situation and though I doubt anyone will be able to clearly understand or respond it will help to get it out and hear some opinions.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months.  He is an alcoholic and dated an alcohol/drug dependent woman for 6 years before we got together. He kept her at arms length after the first few years due to terrible fights that often involved her destroying his property, attacking him physically and plenty of cheating on both sides.  He and I travel for work and due to his traveling he was able to call this woman any time of the year that was convenient to have some intimacy and use her money- then he would send her home after a few days, weeks or months.  He went through rehab last winter for his alcoholism but felt intensely lonely afterward as everyone he knows drinks heavily so I understand, but don't, that he called for her even while sober.
A few months later he and I got together and he claimed they are all done and he very much wanted to move past that terribly destructive phase of his life.  He had already gone back to drinking regularly but I accepted that. I am by nature an enabler, yet don't drink. I have emotional issues that I know make me seem cold sometimes to men who are used to lots of yelling, nagging, fighting and drama but it works pretty well for us.  We co-habitate very well as friends and lovers and can find no issue in our relationship, except one-
That woman he is "done with" calls and texts him regularly. For the first few months he just ignored the calls.  When I said it bothered me and why doesn't he block the calls he said he didn't know how and would I do it for him. I blocked the calls, this just stops the ringing, the phone still shows her calls. She still sends texts, always the same "please call me".  This alone still wouldn't bother me, except the calls get very, very steady on days when he is going to be working in her home town or nearby. Also his phone shows 4-6 calls on any day when he has to park our motorhome away from his job site and I have to stay with it to take care of our dogs.
He had no problem with me knowing she was calling- until I confronted him that the calls were making me uncomfortable on a day that he was working away from me in her home town.  He was drinking and got very upset with me for caring what is on his phone. At her next call a few minutes later he called her back and yelled angrily at her "Why do you keep calling me? I don't want you to call, my girlfriend is right here with me and you are ruining my life. Leave me alone!!"  He turned his anger at me immediately and asked if that made me happy. I told him no it didn't. Their relationship for years was based on him abusively ignoring her, yelling at her to stay away, then calling her out of the blue to say he wanted her to come visit him- which she always did.  I asked him sensibly (I think?) "What is to make her think this time is different? She can tell you are drinking and have a girl with you but that doesn't mean you are done with your messed up relationship with her." He asked what would make me happy. I asked him to call her, in front of me, and tell her calmly and reasonably that he has a woman he is happy with and he wants her out of his life- to not call anymore.  He was outraged at this!  He said he doesn't answer her attempts to contact him and that should make things clear enough to her.  I told him apparently not so I'd like him to humor me, for the sake of our relationship and make the call.  He just got angrier and said no way.  
Yes, I've resorted to checking his phone records and no, they do not show him calling her back.  On just one occasion of a day I happened to check his phone that she called at 7:50am, then 20 minutes later, while he was in the bathroom getting ready for work, his phone showed that he called her for almost 2 minutes. I noted this that night and confronted him the next morning quietly noting that I realized the problem was mostly my mistrust- not his calling her. He got very angry and said he did not call and I could not show him that call on his phone. I took the phone and looked- the call was gone. He said if it did call it was a pocket dial (for almost 2 minutes?). I checked his phone record online when he left- the call was there.  
This weekend we are 20 miles from her home town and though he was happy to have the motorhome parked at the job site with no access to electricity all week- the dogs got so hot they got sick, he decided this weekend to leave me at the campsite with power and he rode with someone else to be at work for 15 hours with no where to take his breaks.  He is a supervisor and spends probably 8-10 of his 15 hours hiding in the house drinking and watching TV so to be without his house, power or no, is a huge inconvenience for him.  He says it is for my benefit and asks if I am unhappy with it and I said clearly that I'd rather be near him than have power. The weather is cooler and it's no longer a danger for the dogs. He shrugged that off and said a lot of "I'm sorry" and "I love you". Of course, today I see the phone records show his ex calling and texting all day.  I have to wonder if he calls her back on another phone.  When asked how she always knows when he is in town and I'm not going to be there he just says he doesn't know. I have asked 2 more times that he call her and ask her to stop, he refuses.  Once, quite drunk he said  out of the blue "you know I love everyone and can't hate anyone, right?"  When he is drunk I let him ramble as he loves to get verbally confrontational. He spoke again to say "I would call her but I'm not sure what I want to say yet." I had to ask "Do you mean you are unsure if we are going to stay together?" he knew he was in dangerous territory but admitted that yes, I might leave him and that issue was a priority in his mind.  I couldn't help clarifying that what he was saying was that he needs to keep her available for if I made him unhappy in some way in the future.  He got furious and incoherent after that and I knew I had struck the truth.  I don't know how much I should let this woman effect my feelings for him.  We have bought land together, live together in near perfect harmony and have a great life trying to patch up his messed up past and move on so he can go back to rehab during our next work break.  Should I wait that long to make this woman an issue again?

[specialmom]

Oh, and the cheating/stalked question is combined just as the dysfunction of he/her and you/him is.  good luck

[specialmom]

It is hard to give you advice when you have set up a dysfunctional life with this man.  If you willingly enable, accept the role, almost welcome it as you seem to act as if that role defines you in some way------------ you must accept the unhealthy things your sick partner does.  This is just part of it.  He is an alcoholic and you've chose to live this lifestyle.  He will not be able to make rational decisions while still actively drinking and that is what it is.  If you are just fine with that, you will have to be just fine with this woman as well.  She feeds something your man needs in some way.  I'm sorry.  

I hope you work on your emotional issues that allow you to live this kind of life.  Peace.

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think he was trying to keep her on the string in case he decided to dump you, I think he was keeping the option open in case *you* decide to dump *him.*  It's the kind of thing someone might do if they were feeling underconfident and vulnerable, which might happen with recovery.  I'm not saying I'd be too tolerant of the behavior, however.  Though in a similar situation recently I suggested that the woman not to contact the other woman, in her situation she knew that an actual affair was happening.  In your situation, I would consider calling her to compare notes.  You can't drive her away and shouldn't waste your emotional energy fighting with her, and you can't keep a man from cheating, but if you were to find out that she thinks he is not in a relationship or thinks they are an item, then you would understand for sure that he has been lying.