Confused 38 year old male virgin - What should I do?

[Eastwood1995]

Yes my question is correct. I'm a 38 year old virgin man. First off I'm not unattractive. I'm height/weight proportionate and have been called handsome and a gentleman many times by friends girlfriends and wives. For some reason socializing with women has been a weak point for me. I've never been on a "date." I've only kissed a girl twice. One was a girl I once worked with. The other was with a woman I got together with off of Craigslist last year. This encounter eventually led to her performing oral sex on me. While it was interesting, I regretted the encounter immediately after. She offered me to go all the way but thankfully I refused. Every STD test came back negative. I'd like to have a relationship with a committed girlfriend/wife. However the more and more time goes by I just get more confused and depressed over this situation of mine. I find dating websites as scams just taking your money. What should I do? Any help would be great. Thank you.

[tonyb286]

I guess the answer lies in the adage ... if you don't put your foot in the water, you're never going to learn to swim. You need to put yourself in situations where there are lots of age-appropriate single women, who you can then socialise with and form friendships, which may eventually lead to a relationship. The only other alternative is to join maybe a couple of good and genuine dating sites, and meet ladies through them, but maybe keep your expectations realistic. I wouldn't necessarily suggest being open about your lack of experience at the outset, but after a successful two or three meetings with the same woman, then you might open up and talk more deeply about such personal things, fears and concerns you might have.

[AnnieBrooke]

Is your hesitation religiously based, or do you have social anxiety, or are you in fact not that interested in sex?  (I suppose it sounds funny, but some people aren't.)  Any of these would make someone not want to go out and party, obviously, and then if society's norms made them feel like they were supposed to have a girlfriend, it might well make them very self-conscious.  If none of these things is an issue, then go with your strengths.  Join clubs where you have an interest, or go to church to meet people if you are involved with a religion, or learn to dance, or to do a sport.  It is possible to meet folks in less pressured settings that have nothing to do with dating.

[amandapanda8]

You said that you've never been on a date. Does that mean that you've never asked anyone on a date? Rejection can be pretty scary but a date won't just magically come out of no where. You've got to be proactive and take things into your own hands

[beara6819]

There's nothing to be ashamed of.  I used to be painfully shy when it came to dating & all that goes with it.  I think if you're upfront with a girlfriend, she won't be judgmental... & hey, if she is, then she's probably not good for you anyway.

[Pearagrin]

I'm a 30-something female that finally lost my virginity a month ago. I was like you and never put myself out there to date. My reason being that I have social anxiety and it was all too scary and overwhelming. Then one day I decided I'd rather be rejected and go through all the horrible crap that dating involves than to have never tried. I signed up for a few dating sites, some paid and others not, and found my boyfriend. Now I look back at my life and I regret not doing it sooner.

My advice to you is to use all avenues.
1. Sign up for multiple dating sites/apps or whatever. I found my boyfriend on one that is specific to our religion but my recommendation to the general public is match.com or pof.com (free) I tried eharmony but it really is the worst. It makes everyone feel rejected because most of your matches are inactive so they don't even know you are trying to contact them. Keep in mind that you should send messages to as many women as possible because it is a numbers game. Don't take it personally if they don't respond or give you a stupid little rejection message, just keep going because you can't find love unless you put yourself out there. Not getting any positive responses can seriously mess with your self-esteem on these sites but just keep in mind that everyone is going through the same thing. You are awesome and you just need the right woman to see your profile.
2. Like others said; join some clubs, go to church or any other activity that would get you out there socializing with single women. Besides, part of dating is making yourself seem super interesting so being able to say that you are in a cycling club or taking cooking classes will make you more appealing.
3. Go to trusted friends and family members and tell them that you're ready to find a good woman and ask them if they know of anyone that would be right for you.
4. Go to speed dating and any other singles events in your area. I know they are nerve-wracking but you might as well try.
5. An interesting thing in my case is that when I was avoiding dating I was  subconsciously sending out the vibe to single guys that I'm not interested and to go away. As soon as I decided to be available to men they could tell that I was on the prowl and would approach me. So make sure to have the air about you of being single and ready to mingle.

My last and important tip. Do not tell women up front about your lack of dating experience and that you are a virgin unless it is unavoidable. You don't want to outright lie after all. In the beginning of a relationship everyone is going to be super critical and looking for red flags. Most people won't understand your situation and will decide not to pursue a relationship because it is just too out there. I know this from experience. So just fake it until you make it or until you know them better.
Good luck!

[Eastwood1995]

I've tried Match.com before. Twice as a matter of fact in the past. I messaged countless women and none of them messaged back.

[Nighthawk61]

First of all, the fact that you are 30 and a virgin can be seen as a Good thing, with something like 50% of people having hpv (known to cause cancer(s)) unknown to them, the fact that you are free from std's could be considered a GREAT thing.  

Are you religious at all ? Would you go to church? I can't see your sexual status being only a plus to a women who also has Chosen to wait until marriage to be intimate. Maybe it's time for you to consider finding religion, if you haven't already.

The advice you got from Pearagrin was spot on. Keep her words in mind. She was in exactly the same place you are and it all changed for her, because she remained persistent and kept trying, managing the stress the went with that. And she won. and hopefully will be married in the near future.

Aside from dating sites, what have you done to go about trying to meet new people?

[Nighthawk61]

Also Eastwood, i don't know where you live, but generally, there are social functions put on for singles. Also, do  you have any single male friends that you can go out with to meet new people?

[Nighthawk61]

If you have no male friends, you need to make some, at the gym, taking evening classes in say.. carpentry, computers, etc. Maybe you can go to an evening class associated with work (to get credit) with other single males of females, that you can socialize with outside of work?

[Nighthawk61]

no male single friends that is... your married friends may no longer want to go out and socialize with the express purpose of meeting new friends.

What about playing baseball in the summer? volunteering to help coach little league ? volunteering to be a big brother? volunteering at the soup kitchen? food bank? All these would be considered attributes to single women. If you are going to work and going home, and getting depressed attempting to meet women on line, i say , get out and mingle, volunteer, etc with as many people as your time will allow. As i said, even business classes, there are opportunities to meet people.

Is it your confidence that stops you from asking someone out? Adding varied interests ie. health nutrition cooking, / computer skills, learning to do your own taxes, / reading so you always have a good book to talk about/  hobbies, ie. swimming, biking doing bike marathons, All of these things make you more desirable to women. Action is what makes a man attractive to a women. They need to know that you can keep up and finish what you start (in life). There are too many couch potatoes in this world. Too many people that learn one skill to make  a living and stop there. You need to show  in spades, that you work to LIVE and don't live to WORK. You know? Please think about that if you have gotten depressed and lazy as a result.

Bottom line, you have to get hyped about life, get happy, learn to smile (if you don't already) and get being a nice guy to everyone you meet. Practice on anyone you come into contact with. Say hi to everyone, and soon you'll see that asking someone out for a coffee is not asking too much. Just make sure when you do, that you have lots of interesting activities that you can share with your potential new friend.

[NicolaDarling]

It sounds like you're a more traditional sort, so I'd advise meeting women through conventional methods; in person, instead of online or through apps. Start by socialising more in group settings, where you can chat with ladies without the pressure to ask them out. Religious gatherings, clubs, professional conferences, etc are all good places. Once you get to know a girl, then you can suggest something simple like a coffee date. If that works out, suggest a nice dinner the following week. The best relationships usually blossom from friendships, so concentrate on getting to know each other, rather than on sexual chemistry.

When you do meet a girl and start expressing interest, be honest about your expectations. Many women would be delighted to meet a guy who hopes for something serious and long-term. Don't settle for less. If a girl wants something different, like a hookup, she's not right for you. That's okay. Just keep trying. Also, work on developing your confidence in other areas of life. You already know you're good looking, but you probably have some insecurities. Find ways to practise rusty or undeveloped skills, and reach a point where you like yourself. If you don't like yourself, most women won't either.