Husband tells me to get over the lies about porn?

[dollfr3]

So, years ago, I found porn downloaded on to our only computer in the house, left there by my husband, first thing in the morning right after I woke up, at a time I was not working and he had left the house for the day to go to his job.
Then for days after that, I would find internet pages still up on the computer, all porn.
We had just got married, meaning a couple of weeks, if that much.
We had had a long distance relationship, so the intimacy was good... well when we got together only, but still brand new and so we had to build it.
So with finding porn every day or every other day, I finally confronted him. I wasn't sure I was feeling comfortable with my brand new husband all of the sudden. And now I wasn't all that interested in building intimacy or trust.
Of course, remorseful at first, he offered to stop because I was hurt.
That didn't happen. He was lying, and shortly after that, I found more porn. Confronted him, he apologized again then lied again, and the story goes on... until I finally decided to stop confronting him.
But the damage was done, he had lied so many times, I withdrew myself emotionally and I was numb to anything coming from him from that point on because I was told I needed to get over it.
I was told it's a guy thing to do, that it's because he wants me that he takes care of himself by watching porn when I'm not around. I heard about the visual stimulation and that it's not cheating and it's just porn. I was explained that it's shameful and that's why I was being lied to. That I'm making it a bigger deal than it really is. That he wants me and only me.
Fast forward 10 years, a few months back, I catch him by accident in the bathroom, late at night, watching porn on his cell phone.
Huge fight, hours of screaming and him getting angry like I had never seen him before. I was told then that I was asleep and he didn't want to wake me up for sex.
A couple months later, I catch him by accident watching porn on his cell phone in our bedroom, while I am working on the computer in the other room. Again, difficult conversation. Him very angry, me wanting to leave the house.
And ever since, I could not feel comfortable around him and I doubted myself and what I was bringing to this relationship and whether I had done something wrong for 10 years.
I asked him why the porn and the lying again. I was given the same answers as from before. I was told I was always good looking and it was never about that. It was always about visual stimulation.
I could never understand it, 10 years later, I'm still trying to understand why my husband would choose porn if his wife is good looking? He says we have a great relationship. So why the porn and the lying?
I asked why he never shared this with me right from the start of our marriage.
Wouldn't we have had a chance to build intimacy had he told me about this and how difficult it would be for him to give it up and tell me the truth?
Instead, all I could think of was, the porn is always there. Always on his phone now, because back then, there were no smart phones. Anytime I'm going to sleep, I'm waking up, leaving the house or coming home I think about porn on this cell phone and the lies and all the trouble he went through to hide it.
I have felt broken in my marriage. My ego cannot possibly be boosted by this. And it wasn't, it was stepped on completely. I've functioned as well as I could with everything else. And I focused on other things to be able to keep up and not be depressed. And I've done pretty well in that sense. I fulfilled many wishes and projects.
I was hurting from this though. And at the same time I was considering his theory which was it's only porn. All along I was compartmentalizing so I could move on and keep going.
We even had a child together a few years back.
So, I try and understand it. I change my outlook on life, I go to the gym, I've lost weight, my friends tell me I look amazing and so does hubby, ironically enough.
I'm thinking men and women are wired differently, no breaking news here, but why so differently?
I guess I just happen to not be fascinated by porn myself. So I don't understand the obsession with it.
Yes it provides stimulation for men and fulfills their need for "variety" of scenarios...
But with phones and laptops and tablets, how will this be under control?
It's not magazines with pictures, now it's gazillions of videos and chat rooms and paying things with gazillions of women on there.
How is this still not looked at as some form of cheating when you are in a marriage? Where is the line here?
How does a wife / one woman keep their husband interested?
And can porn watching truly be healthy if it's by someone who's hiding it so meticulously?
Are scientists or the media telling me that it's OK to have my husband on his phone day or/and night looking at all sorts of porn and I should be welcoming him when he tells me he wants me? Of course, I'm the real thing, so he will end up coming to see me eventually. Sorry for the note heavy note of sarcasm but honestly, is that supposed to be and feel OK? Because it does not for me. It doesn't sit very well with me.
Am I supposed to just go to him and bring along my laptop and watch some porn with him to make us work again?
Or just let this be and convince myself it's ok to have my husband hide this so carefully from me?
And by now, with all of the talking we've done, can't he just share it with me already rather than hide some more?
I mean really!
And I'm fine, not depressed, I'm functioning in the world. I just have a husband who tells me to get over the porn thing and the lies.
And I am looking for a way to be fine with it. But that will be convincing myself of something I don't believe. Going against my gut and feelings.
I'm not being hypocritical, I will notice good looking men around me and maybe get giddy for a second. And I'm approached by good looking men and it's nice. But I also have a husband, and my attraction, heart and soul were going to him.
I just don't sit around watching porn every change I get, before work, after work, morning or night, any time the wife and child are gone... it gives me a pretty sad picture of my husband and so I'm not attracted like I used to.
And he doesn't get it when I tell him.
He tells me I need to grow up and focus on what matters, not the porn.
You know the danger with the lies too is that you don't know what they're up to. Porn is a lot of things. It's videos, it's chat rooms, it's live webcams, it's pretty interactive. So how the heck do I know what I am up against?
How do I know that what I am being told is the truth among all the lies?

And I'm not saying I'm comparing myself to porn or competing. But it sure does get confusing.
So that's all fine and good but there is still the porn thing going in the background, forever. And the lies.  
Anyone with a similar story with ideas for resolution, even good results and an awesome marriage now?
I'm not going to lie, we've said pretty nasty thing to each other and I've contemplated walking away because of the huge misunderstanding. I struggle with believing things can turn around or I can magically be OK with porn and the lies, or welcome it into my life?

[specialmom]

I think you are on the right track with your husband---  his seeing a therapist is very helpful and could be what he needs to make a change.

I'm encouraged to hear that the rest of the relationship is positive.  that is terrific!  AND, I'm so impressed with your second post in which you took a step back and looked at this situation from a different perspective.  Your wiliness and ability to be introspective is so awesome and shows me that you are an intelligent woman able to really work on this problem.

It is clear to me that you love this man.  I would work on his stress/depression ---  a therapist helps and also he may need to see a medical doctor and medication may be helpful as well.  If you look at his issue with porn as something to have empathize with him over, it might make it easier for you as he works through the issue.

I wish  you the very best of luck!

[rockland45]

Hi there~

Well, I know this comment is a little late, but I just caught this post. And I'm so sorry you've had to go through this with your husband. I can totally understand how his porn use would be discouraging and hard on your marriage.

And I agree with specialmom's thoughts concerning a possible pornography addiction. Of course, I know that's hard to determine on your own. So, you may want to consider speaking with a counselor about what's going on. Ideally, it would be great if your husband would be willing to see  someone with you or individually. But, if that's not the case, getting a professional's opinion on your own might prove helpful and give you some guidance.

Lastly, I know we hear a lot about porn not being a big deal. But, there are certainly some differing opinions on this topic. So, if you're interested, you might want to take a look up some articles that approach this issue from a different perspective. For instance, I know there's a website called Pure Intimacy that may give you some food for thought. Just a suggestion.

Well, I hope things start improving in your marriage and you're able to figure out how to handle this situation. My prayers are with you!

[dollfr3]

Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it very much.
Our relationship is good. He has said so, again last night as a matter of fact.
And I believe his porn watching is daily.
He is depressed and stressed. He has said so to me.
Work and his relationship with his parents and sibling are huge factors in him being down and stressed out.
He might not be telling me everything. Sadly, this is how I now think. I am just unsure about what may or may not be when we discuss anything.
But for the issues that I know of, I help him whenever possible, with talking through work or family issues. He appreciates it a lot.
I've recommended he sees a therapist, so that he can vent and figure an approach, and perhaps understand the reasons for work days and family relationships not to be successful.
He's said he would do it, many times, but he has not seen anyone. And these problems have been going on for several years.
His family is dysfunctional according to his own words and all of them being together in one room for a few minutes usually ends up in a fight.
I have witnessed it myself for a long time now.
He has said many things to me since I confronted him, on the topic of the porn and the lying about it.
He's said that I married a boy, not a man, and that he feels that way, and needs to work on himself as he does not feel right.
He said he was never taught how to love or show love the right way.
His own parents had marital problems and sought counseling for many years due to a cheating on spouse episode (at least one that I was made aware of, not sure of the extent).
So with this example, I agree with you, the addiction or obsession over porn most likely hides an underlying issue (or several).
Reading my post again, now that I have talked about the issues my husband is experiencing, I realize I sound very selfish when I talk about "my feelings".
I am very aware of my husband's depressed state. I have supported him for a long time.
He is stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to change things for himself but yet not being able to due to the nature of the issues.
He's been wanting to ask for his parents and sibling to change when quite frankly, after living through this for some time, I have come to the conclusion, which I shared with my husband, that it is our approach to the issues and situations that we can change, typically not the issue itself. And when it comes to family members i.e. parents, I say, do the best you can but don't expect or demand for people to change.
And so, I have thought about the fact that porn may be an easy quick fix, or a quick high for him. And since it only "lasts" so long, he repeats this over and over again, I assume to keep the high going for as long as possible?
I could not say, I do not do this, I do not understand it and I am not experiencing what he is with work or family. So I am only speculating.
And other than my continuous encouragements to go speak to someone and talking through things when he is facing issues, I cannot do more I am afraid.
I might have been less and less available intimately because of the many times I've caught him watching porn and lying.
I might have stopped going to him and initiating intimacy, which I understand for anyone, men or women, see as rewarding, flattering.
There is a lack of interest in him, in intimacy and lack of compassion on my end. I would be lying if I said otherwise.
I have been feeling hurt for a long time and so I may not be as compassionate as I once was.
But work was not always an issue, and family is family. But Porn was always there, for as long as I discovered it, right from the start of our marriage.
I don't mean to sound as if I was giving up on us or him, because I do care, I still care. I just have this sense of measured care now, or cautious care when it comes to him, if that makes any sense. I care, but I don't want to get too close emotionally. And it's very sad.
I don't believe family issues would push anyone to porn. I can't quite see it.
Even if he was hurting from not being able to have a normal relationship with his family, why would he go and hide away from his wife who has supported him?
And after giving advice, and none of it is taken, I feel discouraged and I lose hope to one day find balance in my relationship.
I am being told my him that I no longer look happy and don't laugh anymore. And I think he's not wrong at all.
And he asks that I cheer up. And I am sure the last thing he wants to get through is having a wife at home that isn't there 100%.
But I feel stuck having to support him emotionally, when meanwhile, I live his porn use and lies as a draining experience, emotionally and mentally. So everyone is stuck here as you can see.