Depressed girlfriend

[Barberstylz]

Ok, me and my gf have been living togeather about six months now... We were friends for over a year before we decided to be roommates as friends.. I told her before we got the house as friends I was intrested, and she was as well.. So after a month or so we got togeatger. Everything is great, we had good times. never faught or argued up untill yesterday tho. She seems depressed and out of it most of the time now. As am I because of lack of what we once enjoyed a great relationship. Thru all of that, she was  having extreme un scheded menstral problems due to switching birth controll. So u know that's a big stress factor for her l, and an even bigger one for me. Now that that has came back to normal almost, now she says the depression is set in very bad.  She says it stems from the following.. 1) she has 2 great lil boys, but the older one lives across the contry with is dad for the past couple of years and she misses him. I understand where she is coming from, I'm no mother but I know how strong a mothers love is. 2) she's recenty lost a good job and a ok job in he past few months so our finances are very tight right now. So basically, even tho she says she still loves me and feels the same about me, to me it dose not look that way..  she just dosent seem into me at all, sex is scarce and usually not an option. I just choos to avoid it just so I don't get told no anymore. Converbsation is lackluster and short, she'd rather sleep with her younger son vs with me because she feels better around her kids when she's sad cause they are the only ones that truly love her. This has lead to me being shut down and feeling cast out, pushed aside.. due to everything compiling, it caused me to snoop into her phone a couple times. Basically we need help, thank you for your time.

[RockRose]

In rereading,  I think I missed a couple of your statements.

It sounds like you're saying you are insisting you had a covenant,  and she broke it.  You are living with her,  you are enjoying her,  and now she doesn't want to give you sex and isn't particularly charming anymore and she broke the covenant.

There was no covenant.  You're free to go because she isn't what you thought she was going to turn out to be.

[RockRose]

I may be the only woman in this thread who completely agrees with you,  Barberstylz.  It's not like you courted her,  promised her your life,  and then the two of you have kids when you decide you don't want to put up with a depressed partner who has some kind of health issues that make sex painful or dangerous.

This is a woman who hooked up with you,  agreed to move in with no commitment whatsoever,  and the two of you became companions and had sex together.  

You owe her nothing,  she owes you nothing,  and if the relationship sours then either of you are completely and totally free to go,  for any reason.  Without even having a "rational" reason to get out,  other than,  this isn't working out for me anymore.

You aren't committed,  and you never were.  And I don't think she'll be all that upset at the breakup.

I believe that if you're in an uncommitted relationship and you don't want to be in that relationship anymore,   then get out.

[Barberstylz]

Thanks for the advise.. I don't kno what to do now, who knows.. I'm done hear. Thanks to everyone, my frustration did make me a little harsh. But she's not the only one suffering. I think I'm worse off than her honestly. But who cares.

[Londres70]

Being the post went from depressed gf to I need more sex made things a bit confusing.

I do wish you all the best sorting this out.

[Londres70]

No, we are not on her side per se..............we are trying to give you good, sound advice based on what we've seen and/or experienced.  It's not a "woman" thing.  Some of the things you've said weren't really fair or kind to say, but I am sure you are saying things out of frustration.

I can say the combination of two depressed people isn't ideal and IF you decide to stay and work through this you both should and need to address your issues with therapy on board.  You being there bringing flowers, chocolates, sending sweet texts, etc. is nice, but she needs professional help on board as well.

People deal with depression in various ways meaning you deal with it in a different way from your gf.  

[specialmom]

And I agree with londres.

[specialmom]

I am not a type.  I was responding to a post that in its heading alone talked about a depressed girlfriend.  You describe her that way and that requires some different parameters within the relationship.  Not forever but for a time period to let the depressed person to get help.  

I am not even talking about or concerned with the monetary things or things you do in the relationship beyond showing her emotional support at this time.  All of the things you do is great.  But she also needs time to heal.

Unless you think you are being used which is a real possibility and maybe that is the reason for the anger you are displaying here.  Then take care of yourself and end it.  

But to your original post in which you were talking about a troubled woman, I was trying to help from that end.  

I've been married for many years.  Relationships are give and take for both parties.  I sure hope my husband is happy.  He seems to be and says so when I 'check in' with him on this.  But if I had an issue like depression, I'd want the time to work on it so that I was in a better place emotionally rather than having our relationship basically boil down to number of times of sex we have.  Sex is an important part of every relationship and not having it is generally a symptom of a problem.  You say you know what her problem is---  she's depressed.  So, if she works on the depression, it could get better.

There is no use in being angry with me.  I'm just trying to offer you some things to think about.  We don't know each other,  My wish of peace to her was because you say she is depressed.  Should I have said 'I wish her healing"?  You seem to want to be angry with me and that's okay.  take care

[Londres70]

OH MY.........No wonder you are at the end of your rope.  

IF you love her then instead of throwing this "sex" ultimatum on her when she arrives home have a heart to heart conversation with her.  Lay all your cards on the table and tell her what you have told us and go from there.  

[Barberstylz]

I feel like everyone is in her side on this thread. Go figure it's all women. I'm depressed everyday, my mother was imprissoned whe I was 10 years old. I was in foster homes, and a homeless chiled my entire life. I do anything for this woman, u have no idea how deep my live for her is.

[Barberstylz]

I hope I find peace too, I'm depressed also but I keep being strong to do everything I can. Provide a roof and occasional outings when money is avalible to do so. Buy rosese, wine, chocolate etc. send text telling her she's beautiful and I love her. Even when I'm home or off work I help around the house when I see she's un motivated even tho she dosent work. I'm giving my all and she wont even give me a **. There are genetically programmed needs in humans, specifically men. U sound like the type who believes a man should be a servant to women. And allow women to run men. I belive in equal rights.

[Londres70]

You really need to enlighten yourself about depression and then you will realize she isn't doing any of this to "punish you" or to "make you suffer."

A depressed partner isn't any picnic to deal with and it take someone with an incredible amount of patience and empathy.  If you can't handle this then you probably should leave because she doesn't need anymore problems stacked on her and especially if you feel you are getting the short end of the stick.

[Life360_Dave]

You have to give 100% minimum. 90% dont cut it. For better or worse, in sickness and health till death do you part. You need to put yourself in her spirit and feel as if you are her. Its called the gift of empathy which is understanding the being of another.

[Londres70]

Ditto SM last paragraph.

There is probably more to the story about the child who isn't with her and we just can't assume what happened, but that's neither here nor there.  

[specialmom]

The tone of your posts has completely changed from when it started.  It went from one of concern for her welfare to resentment that you aren't having sex and now she is using that as a tool.  

In dealing with depression, sexual issues are very common.  Libido can plummet and that could be the case with her.  This is what I meant by you becoming an issue to her.  If she is trying to deal with that ---  a clinical diagnosis of depression, pressure to have sex then becomes yet another thing she is falling short in and will compound her depression.  Partners need to be empathetic and help their significant other get treatment.  If they refuse to work on it, then you make a hard choice if you want to live that way.  

good luck to you and to her.  I hope that she finds peace in her life.  

[Barberstylz]

Oh, trust me.. I give 90% of anything in this relationship that can be given. She just shut down all of a suddon.

[Life360_Dave]

Love is giving not taking. I suggest you rethink what your feelings for her are really about.

[Barberstylz]

It means my needs arnt even a concern.. I do anything I can to try and make her life good. She uses it as a tool, it's when she wants too. It's like I'm a dog just waiting for a treat. U can leave this convo speacialmom btw, I bet u don't give ur bf or husband any sex either. ****

[Londres70]

OH MY..............I think you should probably go ahead and leave if the situation is draining you that much and if you need to fill the quota in regards to sex.  Sounds like you don't love this woman.

Do you know anything about depression?  If this depression is untreated of course she isn't going to be overly sexual.

[specialmom]

I think that if you are giving ultimatums about having sex a certain amount of times a week that you probably should just end the relationship.  Because her well being isn't taken into account.  

I agree with rockrose.  financial reasons aren't common for a woman to not be with her child.  I am pretty sure there is more to the story.  Women can either receive child support, receive govt assistance, etc. to be with their children.  Giving up a child is HUGE and kind of goes against a woman's natural instincts.  

Anyway, I didn't realize the 'biggest' concern here was how much sex you get.  If that is the case, move on. The woman has issues she's dealing with and you are becoming one of them.  good luck

[Londres70]

"I hope it works but If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving"......What's that supposed to mean?

[Barberstylz]

If intamacy is the same as sex.. Yes, because statistics show adults in a relationship between 28-31 have sex 3.1 times per week. As of now we are around 2 times a month. I can jack off and be single, so yes. That's what I mean.

[Life360_Dave]

You mention  "If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving" Are you saying that if she wont be intimate with you 1-2 times a week your leaving?

[Barberstylz]

Thanks rockrose.. That's not completely tru, she was a single mom and the other father is out of the picture and the son actually was given the option before being made to do anything. He moved back to colarado from florida where he was living with his mom. But I am going to give her an ultimative when she gets home shortly.. I hope it works but If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving

[RockRose]

I think you kind of fell into this relationship kind of through the back door.  You rented (or bought?) a house together as friends who really didn't know each other,  and kind of fell into a sexual relationship after that.  

It sounds to me like she's lost interest in the relationship,  and she sounds a little unstable to boot.

I use the word "unstable" because I think it's a sign of instability when women will - for some kind of financial reason - allow their children to grow up separated from them.  I think in general men do that more easily,  they seem to more commonly be able to move away from their kids and start life anew while their kids are growing up without them,  although honestly I don't understand or admire that at all either.

But when women do it,   something's wrong with their basic "wiring" in their brain,  imho.

I think it might be time to consider moving out and moving on.