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Depressed girlfriend
Ok, me and my gf have been living togeather about six months now... We were friends for over a year before we decided to be roommates as friends.. I told her before we got the house as friends I was intrested, and she was as well.. So after a month or so we got togeatger. Everything is great, we had good times. never faught or argued up untill yesterday tho. She seems depressed and out of it most of the time now. As am I because of lack of what we once enjoyed a great relationship. Thru all of that, she was having extreme un scheded menstral problems due to switching birth controll. So u know that's a big stress factor for her l, and an even bigger one for me. Now that that has came back to normal almost, now she says the depression is set in very bad. She says it stems from the following.. 1) she has 2 great lil boys, but the older one lives across the contry with is dad for the past couple of years and she misses him. I understand where she is coming from, I'm no mother but I know how strong a mothers love is. 2) she's recenty lost a good job and a ok job in he past few months so our finances are very tight right now. So basically, even tho she says she still loves me and feels the same about me, to me it dose not look that way.. she just dosent seem into me at all, sex is scarce and usually not an option. I just choos to avoid it just so I don't get told no anymore. Converbsation is lackluster and short, she'd rather sleep with her younger son vs with me because she feels better around her kids when she's sad cause they are the only ones that truly love her. This has lead to me being shut down and feeling cast out, pushed aside.. due to everything compiling, it caused me to snoop into her phone a couple times. Basically we need help, thank you for your time.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, a couple of things come to mind. First, she MAY be depressed. Depression can happen because of triggers or no reason at all. People can just be depressed. clinical depression is treatable though and this may be something she needs to talk to her doctor about.
Second, why isn't she with her son that lives with his dad? Oh, that would absolutely kill me. I would need to live close by to my child whether I had custody or not,. Why doesn't she have custody or visitation by the way? And is the other child living with you?
I would encourage her to talk to her doctor about the depression and even see a therapist if she can. And perhaps finding a way to reconnect with her child even if it is through letters and skyping for now. It's just so important for a mother to be with her kids. Very sad and indeed would cause great torment to a woman to not be with her children.
I would just be a good friend right now and try to keep your hurt feelings separate. If she is going through a hard time, hopefully she can get things back on track. But right now she needs you as a person to lean on. If it goes on for a really long time, then okay. You may have to make a tough decision, but for today, try to get her to see her doctor and a therapist to begin the process of healing the depression. Be giving to her even though you don't feel like you are getting much in return. And hopefully it will swing back the other way.
good luck
Second, why isn't she with her son that lives with his dad? Oh, that would absolutely kill me. I would need to live close by to my child whether I had custody or not,. Why doesn't she have custody or visitation by the way? And is the other child living with you?
I would encourage her to talk to her doctor about the depression and even see a therapist if she can. And perhaps finding a way to reconnect with her child even if it is through letters and skyping for now. It's just so important for a mother to be with her kids. Very sad and indeed would cause great torment to a woman to not be with her children.
I would just be a good friend right now and try to keep your hurt feelings separate. If she is going through a hard time, hopefully she can get things back on track. But right now she needs you as a person to lean on. If it goes on for a really long time, then okay. You may have to make a tough decision, but for today, try to get her to see her doctor and a therapist to begin the process of healing the depression. Be giving to her even though you don't feel like you are getting much in return. And hopefully it will swing back the other way.
good luck
Her oldest son lives with his dad, for financial reasons that were set up before we met. She flys him out every summer and visits during spring break, we are going this March. The younger one lives hear with us. Even tho she says and acts depressed. When she on the phone with someone or visiting she dosent so depressed at all.. I thought depression mad for anti social behavior, idk for sure.. But I think she's lost interest in me and dosent want to admit it for whatever reason.
What I find interesting is that in alot of cases, we know more about our partners interests and pain then we know about our own.
If she is or isn't depressed should be explored between her and a qualified therapist, and then at some date, you would be brought in as a significant other to also start and continue therapy either together or on your own.
There are many aspects to depression, some follow a few guide posts, but you can have 5 different depressed people with 5 different symptoms.
Have you asked your GF what her interest in you is? There are many reasons why people stay with people, have you asked yourself why you stay with her?
Wishing you the very best
M
If she is or isn't depressed should be explored between her and a qualified therapist, and then at some date, you would be brought in as a significant other to also start and continue therapy either together or on your own.
There are many aspects to depression, some follow a few guide posts, but you can have 5 different depressed people with 5 different symptoms.
Have you asked your GF what her interest in you is? There are many reasons why people stay with people, have you asked yourself why you stay with her?
Wishing you the very best
M
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think MYoung was asking you why she stays with you. That this might be a good question to ask HER. (if I may clarify for myoung).
I think you kind of fell into this relationship kind of through the back door. You rented (or bought?) a house together as friends who really didn't know each other, and kind of fell into a sexual relationship after that.
It sounds to me like she's lost interest in the relationship, and she sounds a little unstable to boot.
I use the word "unstable" because I think it's a sign of instability when women will - for some kind of financial reason - allow their children to grow up separated from them. I think in general men do that more easily, they seem to more commonly be able to move away from their kids and start life anew while their kids are growing up without them, although honestly I don't understand or admire that at all either.
But when women do it, something's wrong with their basic "wiring" in their brain, imho.
I think it might be time to consider moving out and moving on.
It sounds to me like she's lost interest in the relationship, and she sounds a little unstable to boot.
I use the word "unstable" because I think it's a sign of instability when women will - for some kind of financial reason - allow their children to grow up separated from them. I think in general men do that more easily, they seem to more commonly be able to move away from their kids and start life anew while their kids are growing up without them, although honestly I don't understand or admire that at all either.
But when women do it, something's wrong with their basic "wiring" in their brain, imho.
I think it might be time to consider moving out and moving on.
Thanks rockrose.. That's not completely tru, she was a single mom and the other father is out of the picture and the son actually was given the option before being made to do anything. He moved back to colarado from florida where he was living with his mom. But I am going to give her an ultimative when she gets home shortly.. I hope it works but If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving
You mention "If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving" Are you saying that if she wont be intimate with you 1-2 times a week your leaving?
If intamacy is the same as sex.. Yes, because statistics show adults in a relationship between 28-31 have sex 3.1 times per week. As of now we are around 2 times a month. I can jack off and be single, so yes. That's what I mean.
"I hope it works but If she can't **** me 1-2 times a week. I'm leaving"......What's that supposed to mean?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think that if you are giving ultimatums about having sex a certain amount of times a week that you probably should just end the relationship. Because her well being isn't taken into account.
I agree with rockrose. financial reasons aren't common for a woman to not be with her child. I am pretty sure there is more to the story. Women can either receive child support, receive govt assistance, etc. to be with their children. Giving up a child is HUGE and kind of goes against a woman's natural instincts.
Anyway, I didn't realize the 'biggest' concern here was how much sex you get. If that is the case, move on. The woman has issues she's dealing with and you are becoming one of them. good luck
I agree with rockrose. financial reasons aren't common for a woman to not be with her child. I am pretty sure there is more to the story. Women can either receive child support, receive govt assistance, etc. to be with their children. Giving up a child is HUGE and kind of goes against a woman's natural instincts.
Anyway, I didn't realize the 'biggest' concern here was how much sex you get. If that is the case, move on. The woman has issues she's dealing with and you are becoming one of them. good luck
OH MY..............I think you should probably go ahead and leave if the situation is draining you that much and if you need to fill the quota in regards to sex. Sounds like you don't love this woman.
Do you know anything about depression? If this depression is untreated of course she isn't going to be overly sexual.
Do you know anything about depression? If this depression is untreated of course she isn't going to be overly sexual.
It means my needs arnt even a concern.. I do anything I can to try and make her life good. She uses it as a tool, it's when she wants too. It's like I'm a dog just waiting for a treat. U can leave this convo speacialmom btw, I bet u don't give ur bf or husband any sex either. ****
Love is giving not taking. I suggest you rethink what your feelings for her are really about.
Oh, trust me.. I give 90% of anything in this relationship that can be given. She just shut down all of a suddon.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The tone of your posts has completely changed from when it started. It went from one of concern for her welfare to resentment that you aren't having sex and now she is using that as a tool.
In dealing with depression, sexual issues are very common. Libido can plummet and that could be the case with her. This is what I meant by you becoming an issue to her. If she is trying to deal with that --- a clinical diagnosis of depression, pressure to have sex then becomes yet another thing she is falling short in and will compound her depression. Partners need to be empathetic and help their significant other get treatment. If they refuse to work on it, then you make a hard choice if you want to live that way.
good luck to you and to her. I hope that she finds peace in her life.
In dealing with depression, sexual issues are very common. Libido can plummet and that could be the case with her. This is what I meant by you becoming an issue to her. If she is trying to deal with that --- a clinical diagnosis of depression, pressure to have sex then becomes yet another thing she is falling short in and will compound her depression. Partners need to be empathetic and help their significant other get treatment. If they refuse to work on it, then you make a hard choice if you want to live that way.
good luck to you and to her. I hope that she finds peace in her life.
Ditto SM last paragraph.
There is probably more to the story about the child who isn't with her and we just can't assume what happened, but that's neither here nor there.
There is probably more to the story about the child who isn't with her and we just can't assume what happened, but that's neither here nor there.
You have to give 100% minimum. 90% dont cut it. For better or worse, in sickness and health till death do you part. You need to put yourself in her spirit and feel as if you are her. Its called the gift of empathy which is understanding the being of another.
You really need to enlighten yourself about depression and then you will realize she isn't doing any of this to "punish you" or to "make you suffer."
A depressed partner isn't any picnic to deal with and it take someone with an incredible amount of patience and empathy. If you can't handle this then you probably should leave because she doesn't need anymore problems stacked on her and especially if you feel you are getting the short end of the stick.
A depressed partner isn't any picnic to deal with and it take someone with an incredible amount of patience and empathy. If you can't handle this then you probably should leave because she doesn't need anymore problems stacked on her and especially if you feel you are getting the short end of the stick.
I hope I find peace too, I'm depressed also but I keep being strong to do everything I can. Provide a roof and occasional outings when money is avalible to do so. Buy rosese, wine, chocolate etc. send text telling her she's beautiful and I love her. Even when I'm home or off work I help around the house when I see she's un motivated even tho she dosent work. I'm giving my all and she wont even give me a **. There are genetically programmed needs in humans, specifically men. U sound like the type who believes a man should be a servant to women. And allow women to run men. I belive in equal rights.
I feel like everyone is in her side on this thread. Go figure it's all women. I'm depressed everyday, my mother was imprissoned whe I was 10 years old. I was in foster homes, and a homeless chiled my entire life. I do anything for this woman, u have no idea how deep my live for her is.
OH MY.........No wonder you are at the end of your rope.
IF you love her then instead of throwing this "sex" ultimatum on her when she arrives home have a heart to heart conversation with her. Lay all your cards on the table and tell her what you have told us and go from there.
IF you love her then instead of throwing this "sex" ultimatum on her when she arrives home have a heart to heart conversation with her. Lay all your cards on the table and tell her what you have told us and go from there.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am not a type. I was responding to a post that in its heading alone talked about a depressed girlfriend. You describe her that way and that requires some different parameters within the relationship. Not forever but for a time period to let the depressed person to get help.
I am not even talking about or concerned with the monetary things or things you do in the relationship beyond showing her emotional support at this time. All of the things you do is great. But she also needs time to heal.
Unless you think you are being used which is a real possibility and maybe that is the reason for the anger you are displaying here. Then take care of yourself and end it.
But to your original post in which you were talking about a troubled woman, I was trying to help from that end.
I've been married for many years. Relationships are give and take for both parties. I sure hope my husband is happy. He seems to be and says so when I 'check in' with him on this. But if I had an issue like depression, I'd want the time to work on it so that I was in a better place emotionally rather than having our relationship basically boil down to number of times of sex we have. Sex is an important part of every relationship and not having it is generally a symptom of a problem. You say you know what her problem is--- she's depressed. So, if she works on the depression, it could get better.
There is no use in being angry with me. I'm just trying to offer you some things to think about. We don't know each other, My wish of peace to her was because you say she is depressed. Should I have said 'I wish her healing"? You seem to want to be angry with me and that's okay. take care
I am not even talking about or concerned with the monetary things or things you do in the relationship beyond showing her emotional support at this time. All of the things you do is great. But she also needs time to heal.
Unless you think you are being used which is a real possibility and maybe that is the reason for the anger you are displaying here. Then take care of yourself and end it.
But to your original post in which you were talking about a troubled woman, I was trying to help from that end.
I've been married for many years. Relationships are give and take for both parties. I sure hope my husband is happy. He seems to be and says so when I 'check in' with him on this. But if I had an issue like depression, I'd want the time to work on it so that I was in a better place emotionally rather than having our relationship basically boil down to number of times of sex we have. Sex is an important part of every relationship and not having it is generally a symptom of a problem. You say you know what her problem is--- she's depressed. So, if she works on the depression, it could get better.
There is no use in being angry with me. I'm just trying to offer you some things to think about. We don't know each other, My wish of peace to her was because you say she is depressed. Should I have said 'I wish her healing"? You seem to want to be angry with me and that's okay. take care
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