Rough breakup, not taking it too well

[ryn21]

Recently, one and a half months ago, I broke up out of a 6 year relationship and I haven't been taking the breakup all too well.  As with any relationship, I'm sure, (long-term, especially), it's extremely hard to let go .  My ex and I had long term goals, we planned on getting married when I got done school.  The past year had been so demanding on the two of us that we neglected one another emotionally and sexually, which lead to this seemingly inevitable breakup.  We fought a lot, we lost trust for one another.  We went from being a fairy-tale couple to not being a couple at all.  What makes things worse is I found out the break-up was initiated when she found a new person in her life.  Now, I know I cant make her change the way she feels, but I'm having the hardest time adapting.

I have always been adaptive to change.  In this situation, it's such a significant change and I've found it hard to resculpt and accept another woman in my life.  I often find myself comparing women I meet to my ex, as if she was my gold standard model girlfriend.  I also find myself nervous around the women I meet (I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder).  I also have a sense of performance anxiety which has come out of this (might be from slight depression).  My overall desire for lust isnt there.  My sex drive has significantly decreased.  I wonder, are these feelings normal?  Can anyone provide some insight on similar situations which have been overcome?  Any help would be much appreciated!  Thanks!

[slow_healer]

Ryn21, you're going to have great moments of understanding and acceptance, but also moments of emotional resistance (anger, blame, guilt, etc.). You probably already know that. I just want to emphasize to you how much of a process it is (and hence, why you want to let it happen rather than hasten it or invite things that may interefere with it, like a new relationship too soon).

A good analogy is to liken your broken heart to a broken leg. You wouldn't jump right back up onto your leg and try walk right away. So why would you do that with your heart? Emotional pain can be just as debilitating as any kind of physical pain, so why shouldn't it get the same recognition, care, and nurturing back to good condition? It sounds like you are already taking the time to look after yourself. It's like you said - you WILL feel good again. In the meantime, don't undervalue your feelings or what you're going through. Good luck!

[ryn21]

I thank the three of you for taking the time to respond in an honest, truly sincere way.  You know, I give people advice all the time, yet, I can never seem to take my own advice (a fault of mankind).  I need to hear it from someone else that I'm being ridiculous in a sense.  

Mayflowers, you were right about the fact that her having someone new is a good thing--to allow me to go out and find someone for myself without the interference of a lonely ex.

Slowhealer, you are right about seeking out the reasons behind our breakup.  I always seek out the reasons behind actions.  I have been trying to think of the reasons why our relationship failed, making sure to learn something from these mistakes as not to repeat them.

Danyaile, your pointing out that you always reflected on the good times is something that I persistently find myself doing.  It’s a habit that I must break!  I also wish you and your new love the best of luck!

Overall, yes this is a hard thing to go through, for any person.  Yes, I will eventually overcome this hollow feeling.  Love will come again, and the only way this will happen is by letting go to the past.  The past was great, but it didn’t work and that's something I'll have to deal with.   She deserves to be happy, as do I.  

Again, thank you all for your generous counsel.  

-Ryn21.

[danyaile]

i ended a six year relationship with a guy about a year ago, everything just got bad. we were no longer getting along and i lost interest in having sex with him. i still love him to death and actually have two kids with him so i still have to see him a lot. i am currently with my new boyfriend who i do plan on spending the rest of my life with. i am extremely happy and no that i love the new guy in a different kind of way. it did take me almost this hole year to figure it out though, and there were times that i thought about going back to my old man because i began to forget about all the bad and only remembered the good. he still tries to get me to come back sometimes but i no that we get along so much better now then we did before. i miss him sometimes but it's my best friend i miss not my boy friend. i used to compare the two of them and often i found my old guy to be better but now i now it's because i was used to being comfortable with him and i was still getting to now my new guy.

[slow_healer]

ryn21, don't even think about other women - it's only been a month and a half! Don't feel like you have to race to move on (or catch up to your ex). I don't know the details about your breakup, but if your ex was the one who primarily broke it off, then recognize that she's had a lot more time to *move on* than you. She may have been moving on (imagining a future without you, abandoning your dream future together) for weeks or months now. You're still only just starting that process.

And it really is a process. Comparing other girls to your ex all the time is part of that process - it's unavoidable because you are still letting go. Loss of sex drive is another part of that process. Just remember that it's temporary - none of this is permanent. You will feel happy, lustful, and attracted to a special person again. Now is not that time, not while grieving needs to take place.

mayflowers is dead on about taking the time to reflect about what led to the breakup. Even if you were in the right throughout the breakup, there's still a lot to consider. Did she have a hidden flaw? Did your relationship have a hidden flaw? If you want to do what's best for yourself in the long-run, then take the time to be human and weather this loss. Down the road when you do meet someone new and present yourself as a whole person (not the shattered, fractured emotional being this breakup up has left you), you'll thank yourself for it. Give yourself credit for surviving thus far!

[mayflowers]

It hasn't been that long for you...it's going to take a while to get over not being together anymore.  Don't worry about your sex drive or anything right now, just do your normal daily stuff and let yourself go through the grieving process.  I would encourage you to remember not only the good times, but why the relationship didn't work.  Be honest with yourself - what did both of you do to contribute to the break up?  People think I'm strange when I say this, but it's good that she found someone else.  It shows you how committed she was to making the relationship work.   Her reasons could be very valid and maybe she found someone better for HER.  You know what??  That's a good thing because you are FREE of her and now you go meet (when you're ready) someone better for YOU.   She has taken the guilt away from you looking for a new girlfriend.  Someday you'll be thanking her even though right now you're hurt and confused.  

I always wonder about people that jump right into another relationship anyway.  Can't they be alone?  Is it a rebound thing?  What are they trying to prove?  It's usually not a good thing to jump from one relationship into another without taking a break and learning what you need to from the past.  

One thing I would highly recommend is going on a vacation with a friend somewhere.  Have a little single fun.  You'll be hooked up soon enough and then you'll be doing relationship stuff.  People underestimate how nice it is to be single and have no attachments.  Relationships are wonderful with the right person but until then, enjoy your freedom.  Good luck!