Double Standard & Infidelity

[mami1323]

I was reading a book called "Surviving Infidelity" and there was a woman who had been with her husband for a long time and she had put up with 5 years of him being unfaithful.  After tolerating this for so long she eventually cheated only one time and felt so guilty she confessed to her husband immediately.  The next day he began divorce proceedings.  Now speaking with my fiance about what I had read, he agreed, that he would not be able to handle it if I had an affair and probably would never forgive me.  However, I forgave him.  What is your take on this?  Is there a double standard?

[GNicole]

What a crock!! Why do men think they are entitled to cheat??

[mayflowers]

That is a really chauvanistic thing for him to say.  Nobody wants to be cheated on but geez, you're supposed to "forgive" him and yet he wouldn't forgive you.  That's bullsh*t.
The relationship is not equal in any way.

[babypooh]

Completely unacceptable behavior for anyone. When they cheat, they regret it and hope to be forgiven, but when they're cheated ON, then they see how it really felt and can't deal with it. Unacceptable for anyone.

[mami1323]

I agree, when I read that I was flabbergasted.  He understood it, like men and their egos.  I think it is bullsh*t.  I wonder if it's a cultural thing?  Latin men are raised with something called machismo.  He can't get over a fling I had in Cancun even before I met him.  I really am curious to see what other men think.

[Agiesmom]

I think there is a double standard.  I think part of it is the ego of men--worried that the other guy is bigger or a better lover.  Men cheat for different reasons, though--I think most cheat simply for sex (and can seriously detach emotion from the act) and also for an ego boost (a woman telling him how wonderful he is).  I think women usually cheat for emotional reasons--needing to feel loved and understood, a connection, etc.  (Or to hurt the man with whom she's involved.)  I think, though, that women are more about the family unit and doing what it takes to keep that in tact--putting up with a lot, forgiving a lot, trying to see things from the other person's perspective, etc.

I have read many times, though, that when a man cheats, it usually really does mean nothing to him--it's just an act or some feel-good moments in time.  And a woman can't understand that because it would HAVE to mean something to her for her to even THINK about doing it.

[mayflowers]

Mami, it's not a Latin men thing.  I'm Italian and while our grandmothers would have put up with it, my generation will not.  I know other cultures that won't put up with this either.  Don't give him any excuses.   It's an ego thing plain and simple.

[mami1323]

That's what he said Agiesmom, like he would always picture me in bed with this guy.  Thinking if the guy was better.  I said, women think the same.  Wondering if the woman is better sexually.  

[babypooh]

I agree that it's not an ethnicity issue. A lot of men were either brought up that way or they just became that way for their own selfishness.

[mami1323]

No excuses, I'm just curious to see where that mindset comes from.  I do think it's an ego thing but also wonder if men from different cultures are more forgiving.

[Agiesmom]

I don't know if there's a cultural thing...I don't like stereotyping.  But I think that some people in some cultures view it differently (or perhaps just see it for what it really is?).

I had a coworker who dated a Mexican guy for a couple of months--very handsome, attentive, romantic.  He wore a gold cross around his neck and he'd get up on Sunday morning after spending the night with her to go to Mass.  Then his pregnant wife and their two toddlers showed up at our work asking my coworker if she knew he was married.  The wife wasn't angry or hysterical--just wanted my coworker to know.  My coworker confronted him--asked him if he was leaving her--and he said, "NO, I'm not LEAVING her!  I LOVE her!  She's my wife--the mother of my children!"  Alrighty then.  I'm sure the woman was hurt over what he did, but my coworker saw them all together with the new baby at the park at a big family picnic a few months later.  She obvously forgave him.  Maybe she viewed it for what it was--him getting sex elsewhere for a couple of months.  ???  I don't know.  And I don't pretend to understand, but I do think that some people may view it differently and that may be a result of what they saw in their family and what they were told by adults while growing up.

[mami1323]

Very interesting.  

[Cootos]

This is a perfect example of how men put women out as objects....they dont care about our feelings, our goals, our life! It's all about them! Yet you give them a taste of thier own medicine and it's unacceptable?!? Who made these rules?!? Defenitely not a woman....

[mami1323]

Women would never make these rules.  It just shows how men and women are completely different from one another.

[mayflowers]

I am watching The Tudor's right now.  It's about King Henry the 8th.  He cheated all the time and I believe he evenutally died of syphillis.  All cultures seem to have an acceptance of men cheating but women not cheating.  It's b/c women used to be seen as property not human beings.   I think any man that still thinks this way is not a very advanced or enlightened man but rather thinking like a caveman.  Men also take after their fathers.  If their fathers cheated, many times they will too b/c that's their role model.  It's a hard cycle to break.

[mami1323]

Do you ever wonder why some people grow up in a household where there is abuse and wind up either being an abuser themselves or vowing never to be like their abusive parent and break that cycle?  My friend and her brothers watched their father cheat on their mother numerous times and her brother said he would never be like his father, and never has been.  Some people either repeat and some don't.  

[mayflowers]

We learn by modeling.  Most of it is subconscious.   You can break the cycle but it's really hard.  I believe the failure rate is something like 80%.  Yes, it can be done but the person has to do a lot of work, and I mean, ALOT of work to change.  Some would even say it's part biology - like a chemical in brain needs that kind of stimulation.

[babypooh]

I think that unfortunately, men too often think with the wrong head, but they're not all cheaters and each family is different, regardless of race.

[treazzure007]

i don't even believe it's a cultural thing but simply a 'man thing'.  men the world over believe it's acceptable for them to be sexually uninhibited but women better not dare --that's THEIR women better not dare.  it's okay for the women they cheat and mess around with to wear close to nothing and be just as freaky and free as them.  even married men think they've done wives a huge favor by 'settling down'.  if having more than one wife, participating in sex slave trade, and various other practices were widely acceptable here in america, do you doubt that every man wouldn't do it???  huge, huge double standard that i'v found is even so subtly hinted at in the bible.  why?  b/c they have a male 'member'.  that gives them powers, didn't you know?

[sammy73]

I'd say it's equally unacceptable for both sides.

I think there is a difference between cultures, and between generations.  In modern cultures, where men and women are considered as equal status, then it is equally unacceptable for either partner to cheat.  In some other cultures, and in previous generations in my country, it was probably more acceptable for men to cheat - it's all part of women not being valued so highly and being controlled by men, I suspect.  In those cultures, and generations, men cheated but wouldn't tolerate their wives cheating, because they could get away with that.  I found out after my grandfather's death that he had had a mistress for many many years, and my grandmother was aware of it but tolerated it.  She even asked to come to his funeral, but my grandmother did refuse that.

Even in modern western cultures it varies.  In the UK if a senior politician is found to have had an affair it's a big scandal, and in some cases they have had to resign.  In France it'd be more surprising if a senior politician DIDN'T have a mistress!  I think the French may be more tolerant of women having affairs too, but I'm not entirely sure.

[angelica122]

a relationship is based upon loyality towards ur partner.... even if d man cheats or d woman its equally wrong! i won't tolerate anybody cheating on me... n yes i believe d society is hypocraten n has double standards.......... men are always forgiven n women are never!

[mayflowers]

I have also known women who cheat on their husbands and the husbands forgive them.  Usually when cheating is involved, there is something missing in the relationship - could be emotional or physical.  Or maybe the person just wants to try someone new for a change.  There's all kinds of reasons.  

The weirdest story I ever heard was of a wife who was cheating and the husband wanted to keep her so bad that he allowed her to "go do her thing" as long as she came back to him.  The other guy was pretty serious so she wasn't just sleeping around with various people.   Finally, she just left her husband completely much to his dismay.  She had lost respect for him b/c he let her do anything she wanted.  

[BabyHardiman]

"But increase you and multiply, and go upon the earth, and fill it."  

Has anyone told them that the quota was met?

[smileluvr]

I think that because men have been portrayed in our society as the dominate creature, they are supposed be allowed to eat their cake and offered ice cream to go with it, while women must put the cake away for later. I was cheated on in my first relationship and wanted to get revenge, but realized it makes me no better than the next person. Cheating is cheating and no matter who does it and the reason, it is wrong.

[lupo]

As a Polyamous person you would make think I would have a different take, yet my feeling is Cheating is a form of lying. If you have said you would be with no other then you should be with no other, other wise you have lied. If you can not be with only one person sit your partner down and talk to them about it.

As for double standers think about it we call men who sleep around a Stud, we can a woman that sleeps around names I will not repeat here. Great book on this is, “The Ethical Slut”.