Double Standard & Infidelity

[mami1323]

I was reading a book called "Surviving Infidelity" and there was a woman who had been with her husband for a long time and she had put up with 5 years of him being unfaithful.  After tolerating this for so long she eventually cheated only one time and felt so guilty she confessed to her husband immediately.  The next day he began divorce proceedings.  Now speaking with my fiance about what I had read, he agreed, that he would not be able to handle it if I had an affair and probably would never forgive me.  However, I forgave him.  What is your take on this?  Is there a double standard?

[mami1323]

Funny mayflowers, I would probably wind up with the same type of man any way.  I have always chosen the wrong one and probably will always choose the wrong one.  Just my life in a nutshell.  

[mayflowers]

Mami, you're a nice girl, a sweet girl, but I really don't think this guy is the right one for you.  You need someone more like yourself.  He may be able to change for a little while, but he will probably revert back.  I've seen it happen many times.  Then, the woman just wastes precious time on a man who isn't good enough for her.  I did it - wasted time on men.  Not anymore.  If someone disrespects me, they are gone.  A person's character, whether we want to believe it or not, is shaped and developed in their early years.  They can either go one way (like your friends brother) or they can go another way and follow what they see around them.  

To be honest with you, I don't know if I could ever get married again b/c marriage makes me feel trapped.  I married once and was miserable the whole time. But growing up I saw my parents  trapped in a marriage.  I learned that from them.  My brothers and sisters have all married, some more than once so they aren't like me.  For me, once was enough.  But I am sure that this is a part of me that I can't really change.  I'm wired like this even though on occasion I dream that one day I could be happy being married.  But that it's really just a dream, it's not reality for me.

[eel81]

it is always a double standard, they see what it feels like and cant handle it. most men actually think that it is their god given right to sleep around with who ever they want whethter they are married or not.

[mami1323]

You are probably right mayflowers.  He ruins every thing good in his life, why wouldn't that mean me to :(

[mayflowers]

Some people just can't be monogamous, even if they want to.  As lupo states, some of us are just polygamous.  It's our nature.  We are wired that way.  Society wants to put restraints on people, saying that monogamy is the only way to be but really for men and some women, having several partners is normal for them.  Men need to spread their seed and populate the earth and women need a man that can take care of them.  I've seen women leave relationship or have affairs with men who can better meet their financial, sexual and emotional needs.

What happens to these naturally polygamous people, is that they end up lying to someone who is really nice, saying that they don't want to be this way.  They think something is wrong with them.  I think people can change for a little while but they will revert to their true nature.   They can change for a little while but a leopard doesn't change their spots.  

For your fiance to say he would leave if you had an affair is very two-faced.  I think his masculinity would feel threatened and that is why he would leave.  Like he wasn't good enough to satisfy you.  That's an insecurity thing and deep down he really doesn't feel worthy of love or man enough for you.   That's a hard thing to overcome Mami.  I don't know if it's worth it to stay and try to work it out with this guy or cut your losses and find someone who is more like you and only wants one person.  I'm afraid that in addition to Rich being polygamous, he is also insecure.  A combination that is really hard to overcome.

[mami1323]

It is the lying that will forever scar you.  Because no matter what happens in the future if that person is telling the truth, you will always think they are lying.  It leads to frustration on all parties.  You, because you will feel like you are being lied to and then the other, who is upset because you don't believe them.