Emotionally Betrayed

My husband of 24 yrs was caught two years ago having and emotional affair. He denied it.He had online dating and hook up profiles, he said he didn't do that either.. Several lasted for years then several was phone and text sex. He said one particular was a friends wife then said he met her on a health forum. They were all lies. He a first blamed me.We did have a gap between us. I felt it and knew it was there. (family, children, finances and life) He did ask me to more more attentive-and I was in everyway I could be. I really thought we were a very happy family. I recently started getting emails and pictures from his "friends" that are of him, our children and his body. I've been stalked and threatened by his online hook ups.  He promised me that it has been long over and he wants nothing but me and our family. He's said he made a mistake and he's very sorry that he hurt me. It took everything in me to get past the hurt and anger two years ago and now it's here again. I want more answers from him but when I ask he gets angry, claims he's in physical pain or threatens to quit his job. Ive had anxiety attacks and I'm battling depression. I love my husband dearly and I try desperately to understand and move forward but these woman won't stop. I want to believe him but I don't trust him. He feels like because he said he was sorry and that it is over that I should just put it behind us and be happy again...sometimes I myself don't know what I want from him. I don't know how to move forward to recover.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm so very sorry.  This is really hard.  One of the most difficult things for a couple to work through.  Are the two of you working with a therapist??  I so think that would be what needs to happen here.  

It is hard to slow down the thought process you have after being cheated on.  You will have good days and bad.  

but I think it is essential to have a professional guide you through.  peace

[Justbroken]

When it first began- when I found out, we didn't have counsel.  I ask him to come with me.  He said anything to make us better. Thank you specialmom

[specialmom]

Well, if that means  you haven't tried a psychologist that works with couples yet-----  now is the time.  I really think it will help.  

Try journaling your feelings too. It will help you identify triggers and patterns as well as giving you an outlet for how you are feeling.


Peace and luck dear.

[Life360]

Your husband did not actually have an affair did he?

[Justbroken]

Specialmom- I did begin a journal and I feel it does help. We have made an appointment with a marriage counselor.

Life360- he said he hasn't had a physical affair, he denies having sex with any of them.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't know what Life360 might be suggesting/asking/or wondering when He asks You "did He "actually" have an affair"?? - but Woman to Woman - my feeling is "penetration or not" - thi behavior IS unfaithful and I, myself would have objection to this!!.  I think it Very Good, Very Wise to have counseling - BUT, that being said, I, Myself would consider this unfaithful behavior.  Whatever I think - I, none the less, hope, and even pray, that You and Your Husband work this out and make Your Union what it should be!!
Good Luck

[Justbroken]

Thank you.  I feel that an affair can come in many forms not just sexual. I feel betrayed and DH was unfaithful by his actions and the lies and secrecy. My issues are many but I don't know how to talk to him or how to move forward until our appointment with a counselor

[Life360]

If he has not had a sexual affair he is most likely addictied to these web sites much as a person is addicted to porn. Thats why hes back at it again. In his spare time he is drawn to this. It is different than a person going out looking for live women. Its more of a fantacy but he is steping on dangerous grounds with the dating sites. Most likely your being stalked because your husband is putting them off and does not want to meet them in person. It is bad and it is cheating but might be treated as an addiction issue

[Londres70]

Totally agree Tink.  

Whether it was a physical affair or an emotional affair.......they BOTH are very hurtful as trust has been violated.  One isn't less severe than the other in my opinion.  

"I've been stalked and threatened by his online hook ups."......Is there anything you can do about this legally dear?  

"He feels like because he said he was sorry and that it is over that I should just put it behind us and be happy again."......Only if things were that simple.  If he thinks it is that easy he is SORELY mistaken.  I guess it would be easier for him because he wasn't the one getting hurt.  A simple "sorry and lets forget about this and move on" isn't going to suffice here.  

"I want more answers from him but when I ask he gets angry, claims he's in physical pain or threatens to quit his job."......What's that all about?  It would be interesting to find out what he is telling this other women.  Sounds like things are very much started back up with these women and he hasn't stopped this appalling behavior.   He is probably telling them lies and telling you lies as well.

Don't let him make you believe this is YOUR fault that he had to resort to this disgusting behavior because you didn't do "this and that."  This is all about him.  REAL men discuss problems they are having in a relationship or marriage, not go have emotional affairs to comfort themselves.  

Totally agree with SM about the counseling.  I hope you both can work through this.  

[Nighthawk61]

I'm glad to hear that you will be attending marital counseling, and wish you success. I hope there is a chance that you can work through this as well. If it doesn't work out as well as you would like, make sure you have a counselor to talk about how you move forward. You're in my prayers.

[Justbroken]

That's what I thought also. I don't  know how to handle this either way. One woman that contacted me said she paid for our info to get in touch with him. To tell me he was a cheater. That almost took me out. He denies knowing her but she has pictures of him. I want to believe him so badly. He has agreed to complete transparency. Thank you

[Justbroken]

I've contacted the phone provider and the local authorities and forwarded them all correspondences. I was basically told to be more aware of my surrounding until more evidence is gathered!?? I did the a lot of phone numbers from our bill and I called a few. He shared family details about our life, talked to her daily and texts. She is furious with me that DH told her he was putting his life back together. She isnt going to accept this. He claims he doesnt remember any details or names when he was doing that crap! It was a horrible call, the emails and pictures were as bad. I wish this had never happened to my family. You're right, this isn't my fault. This has beaten me down so badly. He tells me he regrets what he has done and is willing do whatever it takes. It doesn't stop the hurt, anger or confusion. My own self esteem has taken a dive  I feel I'm as down as a person can be.

[Justbroken]

Thank you. I pray that we can work through this. He is all I know. It's difficult to imagine life without him.

[Londres70]

Well.....you are definitely in a bad spot.  

Talk with this therapist and perhaps your husband can purge all this nonsense out of his system and then he will be able to see what he truly has.    

Geez....he really stepped into some really deep nonsense here.

Hon, I feel for you.  

[brice1967]

If these women are stalking you, either physically or via email etc... do yourself a favor and let local law enforcement know about it.  A restraining order might do some good, even if they are in another state.

[Justbroken]

I hope the therapist can help us. I did contact our local authorities. I wish I hadn't. I wasn't taken seriously, when ask for the emails and phone logs, I handed them over. Was told that it looks like a lot of fooling around was going on and the truth came out. They didn't see anything threatening!!! The stalking wasn't taken seriously either... I came home crying and even more humiliated and broken, grabbed my laptop and went to my attorney. It took his team 2 minutes to get the ip addresses with the list of mostly blocked ph numbers and e-mail to text phone numbers and contacted AT&T on my behalf. Full prosecution is next. H works offshore, we text a lot these days. I feel it's safer than us hearing tones in our voices. I journal on my iPad, forgetting that iCloud has our phones combined, I asked if my notes were on his ph. He said no, he wouldn't read anyways it would be an invasion of privacy! WHAT! That triggered me! He turned his ph finder off and other I cloud features. I told him there isn't a level of privacy right now. He called and ask me what was wrong and what I had on my mind...I reminded him that I was broken and it would take time to put me back together. His reply was I will be home for a while, I can't "do this" and work. I calmly said ok, it's time for a life style change.  He said he didn't know what else to do or say he immediately got busy and hung up... I don't know what to say or do.
Today's new worries: he began working out/exercising again like he did when I believe this first began...I'm so insecure and all those other emotions that the smallest things make me worry and cry. How do I get past this?? Thank y'all so much! I really think this is helping, type/talking about this...

[Londres70]

"Was told that it looks like a lot of fooling around was going on and the truth came out. They didn't see anything threatening!!! The stalking wasn't taken seriously either... I came home crying and even more humiliated and broken, grabbed my laptop and went to my attorney. It took his team 2 minutes to get the ip addresses with the list of mostly blocked ph numbers and e-mail to text phone numbers and contacted AT&T on my behalf. Full prosecution is next.".........Well, I am not sure when all this comes out if it will be revealed that your husband is still keeping in touch with this woman.  In my opinion he is.  You definitely should prosecute on your behalf, however, it will be kinda awkward if your husband is still involved with this woman while she is harrassing you.  

It really doesn't sound like your husband is too worry about your feelings.  He acts like you should be over this "already" as if this wasn't anything.  Then he is asking you "what's wrong".......geez, either he isn't understanding the gravity of the situation OR he is trying to minimize the situation.  To add......I am not so sure if he is even remorseful about what he has done to you.  I am sure he is sorry he was caught.  

Do you have other things to keep you busy?  Good friends?  Work?  Your family?  I would try to find some other POSITIVE focus until you see the therapist.  

[Justbroken]

I sometimes feel he's says he is sorry but only for being caught also, other times i feel hes truly sincere. I fear those things  coming to light without him telling all  the truth first. I haven't told him pressing charges or the visit to the attorney. Our conversations seem disabling.  I get angry when he tells me HE feels helpless or is beaten down and doesn't know what else to do to prove he loves me.  This shouldve never happened to begin with! We recently moved, sold our home to purchased property and are planning on building a new home. My mind has ran rampant about that. H ensures me that it is truly our plan on rebuilding our lives.  I've always been a stay at home wife and mom. Im to imbarassed to talk to friends, they are far away now and I don't know new friends well enough. My relationship with my family is very distant and strained. I don't have anyone.  I feel to drained to partake in anything that isn't a must. I think I've lost my will...

[Londres70]

"I get angry when he tells me HE feels helpless or is beaten down and doesn't know what else to do to prove he loves me."........Dear, I don't blame you.  How in the world does he think YOU feel?  His "helpless and beaten down" feeling is probably only a drop in the bucket compares to how you feel.  I can imagine this all is throwing you into depression.  

I am sorry, but when he was caught he LOST his privacy.  He is going to have to be 100% transparent with everything he is doing now.  He can blame himself because he set up the senario.  This is all about regaining your trust and rebuilding the relationship.  

"I journal on my iPad, forgetting that iCloud has our phones combined, I asked if my notes were on his ph. He said no, he wouldn't read anyways it would be an invasion of privacy! WHAT! That triggered me! He turned his ph finder off and other I cloud features. I told him there isn't a level of privacy right now."......... Well, he has got some nerve.

Is there any way you can reconnect with your family?  You don't have one friend you can confide in?  I know this is embarrassing to talk about, but good friends are there for you through thick and thin.  

When do you see the therapist?  

Do you have any hobbies that you can absorb yourself in?  If you concentrate on this 24/7 you will lose your mind.  You may think you have lost your will, but I don't think you have.  You are going to have to keep it together for the sake of the children.  Don't let this take you under and break you.  Try to be strong for your babies.  

And you are correct....this should have NEVER happened.