Was is the heart or the head that lead me wrong?

[JadedAngel4730]

I've been with my guy for going on 5 years; married almost a year.  Off and on through our relationship he has never been the faithful type. And unfortunately I've been the kindhearted one to forgive and say "he's human. we make mistakes.  He won't do it again."  We have in the past been adventurous within the sexual relationship side of ourselves, experimenting different avenues but he's lost interest. When we kiss, he kisses because I ask him to not because he wants to.  I could not tell you the last time he said I love you to me.  I thought you should have that twinkle in your eye, that spark still about you as if it was the first time you met.......years down the road.  I don't have that.  I have side pain, literally sick some days worrying where he is and what he's doing when I'm not with him.  Is this how I should live the rest of my life?  Or should I ride it out as I keep reading through some of these forum suggestions.  

I know relationships, healthy relationship will have the good and bad times, but is this really what they are talking about? is this really what I should be fighting for?  Do I listen to the heart or head again?

I've been brought up not the give up.  To fight for what you believe in....but don't you have only so much you can give before you start to fall?

[mami1323]

Those are very suspicious things and if he cared about you or cared about making it work he would do everything in his power to be open and honest.  But he's not and he's making you feel bad for questioning him, which is a bad sign.  Someone not doing something would say, I want you and wouldn't do anything to ruin that.  Here take my phone, check my calls, there is nothing.  I think you already know what you want to do, you just need that extra push.  

[Shara21]

I agree that there is only so much you can take.
I also believe that there should always be a spark when you kiss, and he should want... crave kissing you. I think the fact that he does it basically only to make you happy is a good indicator that maybe it is time to move on?
Maybe sit him down and explain from a-z whats not making you happy, or what could or would make you happier. When you paint him a picture and tell him "this is what i need..." then at least it's all infront of him and he can decide to pick up his socks and become the man you deserve, or you can walk away knowing that you gave it your all.

Constantly wondering and worrying is no way to live your life =(
I was miserable with my ex for so long but stuck with it, and regret it so much. I spent so much time chewing the same thoughts over and over again... i became so numb and just lost interest is so many other things that used to make me so happy. When i finally moved on i felt soo good in my own skin again and looking back, i'm so happy i made that tough call. If I had never left i never would have known just how easy and real love can be. It took me taking a long look in the mirror and saying "this is going to be my life... I'm going to do this for another 15 years and look back and think "that was my life"" and that just upset me so much. I looked at, and spoke to many older married couples, and decided that's what i wanted. I wanted to be 65 and madly inlove. I want to be one of the 70-80 year old couples that can barely walk, but walk holding hands with each other.  
Nothing warms my heart like seeing older couples so inlove.

It may take stepping out of your comfort zone... but i think it's far better to be madly inlove in the future, rather then comfortable in the moment....

good luck

[JadedAngel4730]

i appreciate your comment.  yeah i'm at a loss.  we have done the couples counseling.  He feels its pointless.  not very helpful.  He continues to do suspicious things and when I try to talk to him about it he takes it as I'm accusing him and says "why don't you just divorce me then."  Seems to me he's guilty with that sort of response you know.  things like quickly deleting phone numbers off the work phone.  since we've been married: dog ate a pair of his boxers (he has a thing for my undergarments....scent of a female.....trying to tell me something??); unknown calls to his at odd hours of the night; added local single 18yr old female to our swingers profile (yeah, told you we experimented into our sexual lifestyle....could go into that story later).  it's these things that are written out by him that he will sit there and stare you straight in the eye and say "that wasn't me."  Yet here I am

[mami1323]

Yes, there is only so much you can take.  You can only try so hard and only give so much before you start to lose some of yourself in the process.  You are so busy watching him all the time, that you are not enjoying your life one bit.  My fiance cheated and I have taken him back and we are working on our relationship.  This comes with a clause to it 1. you will not cheat again or else it is over (I have to stick with that because the healing is hard enough the first time, I refuse to ever go through it again.  Plus the trust is no longer there, after a second time, it will never be there, if it's done once, and then twice, it will keep happening, which you have experience with), 2. we must seek couples counseling (which we go once a week).  Relationships are hard work and yes, they do have their ups and downs, but when they start to go bad and stay bad, then what's the point in trying to make something work, that isn't fixable.  I would say stay and work at it if and only if he was remorseful and willing to put 100% effort into making it work as well.  If you are the only one trying then it won't work.  You will be left to feel empty, alone and unloved.  After the affair we have both put in the extra effort to keeping our relationship alive.  He works overtime to make me feel loved, to make me feel special and really has learned to appreciate me.  I to am working on learning to deal with my anger, how to speak to him without him thinking I'm nagging, to show him love so he doesn't feel like it was one sided.  We also have learned how to communicate more effectively, he has learned to open up to me and it has helped our relationship a great deal.  If you aren't seeing any of this then most likely he just doesn't wish to work hard at it any more.  We tend to lose their respect if we've allowed them to hurt us so much and we take them back.  Have you told him how you've been feeling?  I think even after 5 years, there should be some spark left.  It's been 5 years and you are miserable, can you imagine another 5 or another 10.  You have to be the one to say, I can't continue to live like this and make the necessary changes.  Maybe he needs to feel what it's like without you there.  Right now, he has no fears, he knows he can do the worst things possible to you and you are still going to be there for him.  I say work on you first and then worry about the relationship.

[iam1butterfly]

"... only do what your heart tells you..."  Princess Diana