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Extreme jealousy
I am having a really hard time with forgetting and forgiving some of the past experiences and therefore I am extremely jealous ans suspicious when it come to my husband. Of course, the fact that he is on his computer and phone all day doesn't help at all. I constantly worry that he talks to other women. We used to talk a lot and now we barely have any conversation. We both have boring jobs, actually he just lost his. I feel that whatever I would be able to talk to him about is boring and I am not into debating politics and religion. We are not legally married but have two kids together. I want to know how to overcome this jealousy feeling and let go of the bad memories :-(
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think the computer can become addicting for some people. And sadly, it can be an avoidance tool. He is probably completely unaware of it though.
Do you think your husband is a bit depressed? Even mild depression can result in this type of 'distancing'.
I also want to say that you don't mention the ages of your kids, but that some men do have a bit of trouble relating to little ones. They find it easier to tune out. Sometimes you have to force the issue there. My kids are 15 months apart and I noticed my husband tuning out a bit when they were toddlers. I forced the issue and would say "honey, I have to go do X, you are in charge of the kids. Keep them alive while I'm gone." (last part was to make it joking . . . but none the less, that is the main goal, I guess, isn't it? LOL). My husband would then plan activities more for kids, have ideas of what the could play, etc. and was a more active parent because I basically set it up so he had to be at times. Then we fell into routines like he would play with kids and they would all leave me alone to do the dishes. I would stretch those dishes out to an hour even if I was just standing at the sink so they'd play and I'd get a little break. So, get him more involved with the kids so that sitting on the computer is not an option and he can be more a 'part' of home life.
And try what I mentioned, begin trying to have some couple focused time. Get a baby sitter or do a date after kids are in bed. This has had a tremendous impact on my relationship with my husband. We feel like the olden days when we do this (pre kids). And it is valuable time to work on enjoying one another again. At times I was tired or it felt awkward due to whatever was going on, but I made a real effort and it did pay off.
For his computer, I think it absolutely is okay to encourage limits and where he visits. Now 'chatting with women"? Is that like two people here at med help sending a private message? I have male friends here that are 'internet friends' that I will from time to time have a dialogue with separately from the public forum or maybe it is in the political forum --- but that is different than intimate discussions, sexual discussions, flirting, etc. So, what are you speaking of exactly? OOOPSSS. Just read that he exchanged a sexual pic and it was THAT kind of talking. Oh no, that is NOT alright and that would breed insecurity. Heck, I'd sit right down beside him when he's on the computer and ask 'what are ya doing?". The way to go is to limit it. I think we can say "ya know, the computer is taking over your life. Let's limit it."
And sweetie, he needs to be actively looking for a job immediately since you said he lost his. Hopefully he won't get into a routine and be staying home. Does he watch the kids while you are work?
Anyway, try to reconnect via spending 'fun' time together and see if this helps. peace and luck
Do you think your husband is a bit depressed? Even mild depression can result in this type of 'distancing'.
I also want to say that you don't mention the ages of your kids, but that some men do have a bit of trouble relating to little ones. They find it easier to tune out. Sometimes you have to force the issue there. My kids are 15 months apart and I noticed my husband tuning out a bit when they were toddlers. I forced the issue and would say "honey, I have to go do X, you are in charge of the kids. Keep them alive while I'm gone." (last part was to make it joking . . . but none the less, that is the main goal, I guess, isn't it? LOL). My husband would then plan activities more for kids, have ideas of what the could play, etc. and was a more active parent because I basically set it up so he had to be at times. Then we fell into routines like he would play with kids and they would all leave me alone to do the dishes. I would stretch those dishes out to an hour even if I was just standing at the sink so they'd play and I'd get a little break. So, get him more involved with the kids so that sitting on the computer is not an option and he can be more a 'part' of home life.
And try what I mentioned, begin trying to have some couple focused time. Get a baby sitter or do a date after kids are in bed. This has had a tremendous impact on my relationship with my husband. We feel like the olden days when we do this (pre kids). And it is valuable time to work on enjoying one another again. At times I was tired or it felt awkward due to whatever was going on, but I made a real effort and it did pay off.
For his computer, I think it absolutely is okay to encourage limits and where he visits. Now 'chatting with women"? Is that like two people here at med help sending a private message? I have male friends here that are 'internet friends' that I will from time to time have a dialogue with separately from the public forum or maybe it is in the political forum --- but that is different than intimate discussions, sexual discussions, flirting, etc. So, what are you speaking of exactly? OOOPSSS. Just read that he exchanged a sexual pic and it was THAT kind of talking. Oh no, that is NOT alright and that would breed insecurity. Heck, I'd sit right down beside him when he's on the computer and ask 'what are ya doing?". The way to go is to limit it. I think we can say "ya know, the computer is taking over your life. Let's limit it."
And sweetie, he needs to be actively looking for a job immediately since you said he lost his. Hopefully he won't get into a routine and be staying home. Does he watch the kids while you are work?
Anyway, try to reconnect via spending 'fun' time together and see if this helps. peace and luck
It sounds like to me you are insecure for a good reason. No man should want to spend more time with strangers over his own family. As for the porn movie he was wrong for that if it made you feel uncomfortable. I mean he probably wouldn't want you doing that for another guy.
I can be honest when I am not home my husband watches porn and masturbates. It doesn't really bug me, but he still pays attention to me. He still spends time with his family. Your man needs to get his priorities straight. Family should come first, and your feelings should be on his mind at all times.
I agree ya need to try to reconnect, and with four kids I get why everyday he needs to be participate. You need to try to talk to him about everything and if he gets angry then you may need to seek counseling for you two. But don't ever let him take your self worth.
You deserve to feel beautiful, and happy. If he isn't keeping you that way then something needs to be done. This relationship is a two way streak and he needs to show some effort too. One thing I will tell you I have done with my husband is made our own movies on his phone for him to watch when I am not around. It has helped to spice up our love life. It also has got him talking to me more. But like I said the relationship needs both ya to make an effort and if he isn't willing to then he isn't worth your time. May god bless ya,
Kimberly
I can be honest when I am not home my husband watches porn and masturbates. It doesn't really bug me, but he still pays attention to me. He still spends time with his family. Your man needs to get his priorities straight. Family should come first, and your feelings should be on his mind at all times.
I agree ya need to try to reconnect, and with four kids I get why everyday he needs to be participate. You need to try to talk to him about everything and if he gets angry then you may need to seek counseling for you two. But don't ever let him take your self worth.
You deserve to feel beautiful, and happy. If he isn't keeping you that way then something needs to be done. This relationship is a two way streak and he needs to show some effort too. One thing I will tell you I have done with my husband is made our own movies on his phone for him to watch when I am not around. It has helped to spice up our love life. It also has got him talking to me more. But like I said the relationship needs both ya to make an effort and if he isn't willing to then he isn't worth your time. May god bless ya,
Kimberly
The problem is that he thinks that even though he is on the computer he is still in the room with us and that I am exaggerating. He can honestly spend all day and ALL NIGHT on the computer debating with people, talking to people etc. I have to sleep, I work a day job. I know that he has been in the past communicating with women on the internet, exchanging sexual pictures. he also supposedly "helped" a woman with her pron movie by editing it, since he is graphic designer. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it. For me it is not enough a date here and there. I want him participate every day. I want him to leave the computer and the phone and be with me and the kids. I have four kids, two from the previous marriage. Every time I see him with the phone and computer I just want to run away :-( I am just so unhappy and lonely. And as I write this at 2 AM he is still downstairs on his smart phone. I don't ask what he is doing on it anymore. He gets upset at me and always blames it on my insecurity. If I feel insecure it is because of him. I can't compete with internet, I am just no that entertaining. I know he is masturbating while I am at work. I try not to think about it but it's killing me inside. Thank you for hearing me out!
You didn't say whether you've been spending any kind of family time together. I mean like do you guys do any family stuff together with the kids? Trust me when I tell you that for both of you as parents as well as for your kids, having that bonding time as a family is really important. Building memories and having fun together is what makes families so special. I lost my dad last year and when I look back at the early days when I was still a kid and we'd have our family rituals like piling in the car and going for a drive after dinner just because, and going on trips together, and playing board games together and going to the park together and everything we did, it's all very special to me and I look back on that stuff being so grateful to my parents for giving us those experiences. It was great for us kids and it was great for my parents. Having a family is something to be very proud of. Nurturing that bond and growing it is the responsibility of both parents tone sure not only the kids happiness but also your own as a married couple.
The more you are actively engaged in your family's life and activities, the less insecure you will feel. If he won't initiate plans together then you do it. After dinner, all of you go to the park together and spend some time there. Go out for ice cream. Go bowling. Do stuff together. It sounds to me like that would make a huge difference toward bringing everyone together and solidifying your relationship with him in the process.
The more you are actively engaged in your family's life and activities, the less insecure you will feel. If he won't initiate plans together then you do it. After dinner, all of you go to the park together and spend some time there. Go out for ice cream. Go bowling. Do stuff together. It sounds to me like that would make a huge difference toward bringing everyone together and solidifying your relationship with him in the process.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, what exactly are the bad memories? Did he cheat or something? I feel like I am missing a bit of the story.
Your post makes me a bit sad as you sound like you two are very disconnected at the moment. You aren't emotionally close to him it sounds. Your description of a man on his computer and phone all day and having just lost his job certainly is concerning. Not because he is cheating but more because he sounds like he needs to reprioritize. Does he spend time with the kids? Do you ever have dates? Who exactly is he on the phone with all the time? Do you fear that you aren't close? Is that one of the reasons you are insecure regarding this relationship??
I would do two things. First, I'd try to reconnect with him. When you have young kids, it is easy to become two separate people just taking care of your own things verses a true couple. Work on the couple aspect by setting up some special dates for the two of you. They don't have to be expensive-- even putting the kids to bed and having a glass of wine by candle light on the patio or renting a movie after the kids are in bed, etc. is intimate time to reconnect, talk, just be together. That time shouldn't be all heavy with stressful conversations but rather getting back to enjoying each other's company. Call in favors and ask a family member to babysit or trade off with a friend (where you watch her kids some time) and go on a date outside the house. It really really can help.
The second thing I'd do is work on your own security level. Really embrace your own hobbies, activities, friends, etc. A strong sense of self helps combat self esteem issues and insecurity.
If things really seem bad, seek counseling! But know that all couples have ups and downs and I personally found the young years after my children were born to be wonderful but hard on my marriage. They are now elementary school age and my husband have much more time to bond and have reconnected. So, stick with it. good luck
Your post makes me a bit sad as you sound like you two are very disconnected at the moment. You aren't emotionally close to him it sounds. Your description of a man on his computer and phone all day and having just lost his job certainly is concerning. Not because he is cheating but more because he sounds like he needs to reprioritize. Does he spend time with the kids? Do you ever have dates? Who exactly is he on the phone with all the time? Do you fear that you aren't close? Is that one of the reasons you are insecure regarding this relationship??
I would do two things. First, I'd try to reconnect with him. When you have young kids, it is easy to become two separate people just taking care of your own things verses a true couple. Work on the couple aspect by setting up some special dates for the two of you. They don't have to be expensive-- even putting the kids to bed and having a glass of wine by candle light on the patio or renting a movie after the kids are in bed, etc. is intimate time to reconnect, talk, just be together. That time shouldn't be all heavy with stressful conversations but rather getting back to enjoying each other's company. Call in favors and ask a family member to babysit or trade off with a friend (where you watch her kids some time) and go on a date outside the house. It really really can help.
The second thing I'd do is work on your own security level. Really embrace your own hobbies, activities, friends, etc. A strong sense of self helps combat self esteem issues and insecurity.
If things really seem bad, seek counseling! But know that all couples have ups and downs and I personally found the young years after my children were born to be wonderful but hard on my marriage. They are now elementary school age and my husband have much more time to bond and have reconnected. So, stick with it. good luck
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