Getting past being cheated on and having an outside child

I am engaged for 3 years now and I am suppose to get married within the next year. Since my fiancee and I have been engaged he has cheated on me. And the thing that hurts me the most is that he give the girl he cheated on me with something I seem not to be able to have a child. The child is now over a year. I only found out about it last nov. He said he didn't tell when he found out because he didn't know how to tell me. Up to this day he can't tell me why he did it. It's always he don't know. I can see he gets upset when I mention it but I think I deserve to have piece of mind.
I have Polycystic Overies said a docter. And although we always have unprotected sex with the hope of me getting pregnant I haven't. And really I don't know what to do. Besides comfort myself in my tears.
He hasn't seen the child. But she sent him a message to say she want him to be a part of the child's life. I told him if he want to he should (that he can't make up his mind about either). I also told him that if he decides to spend time with the child he should do it away from the girl like take the child to the park or home by him. She calls when the child is sick. I usually check him phone if he hasn't deleted the call list and I think she calls too often for my liking. Like twice in a day, or couple times a week. If he missed the call he will call her back sometimes. When I ask why he said he just wanted to know how the child is doing cause she had told him the child is sick.
I wonder if there is still a connection between them.
It depresses me at times just remembering it all.
We would be having sex and I wonder for no reason if he prefered her.
Sometimes I will feel like not even having sex.
And if I want and he doesn't it upsets me.
Also the night I found out about him and her I think I nearly had a panic attack (breathing hard, heart beating fast, light headed). That was not the first time it happend while with him. It happend another time when he wanted to break up with me because he didn't think he can make me happy. Is that suppose to be normal.

Through all this I still love him and want to marry him and at least have one child.
He wants as to be together also and to get married.
How do I put him cheating and having a child with someone else while we are engaged past me to move on to a happier me and happier and healthier relationship and marriage.

[teko]

You said:
How do I put him cheating and having a child with someone else while we are engaged past me to move on to a happier me and happier and healthier relationship and marriage.

You have been engaged for three years and during that time he has not only cheated on you but was irresponsible enough to not even take precautions to protect agains std's or pregnancy? Now he doesnt know if he wants to be a daddy either? He might have thought about that prior to it happening in my opinion.

I think you can do so much better than him and should kick em to the curb and start over. Something tells me this is just the beginning of your woes. I certainly would not be planning to marry him. Sorry, but what has happened so far in this engagement is indicitive of a person who is very self centered, foolish and with no consideration of another human being unless they are meeting some need of his. Narcissist comes to mind.

[penswriter]

i'm with teko.

he's irresponsible and a cheater. if he cheated on you once...how do you know he hasn't with another? he just happened to get caught with this woman b/c of the child. there is no guarantee that he'll be any better once you're married or that he'll stop cheating.

[mami1323]

What are his solutions to the damage that he caused?  Has he offered some pre-marital counseling?  Has he made any changes that could show you that he has changed or is willing to change his past behavior?  Not just saying it but actually doing it?  Here's my feelings about this, and believe me, I'm talking from experience.  I feel like he was extremely careless.  To get a girl pregnant while cheating is definitely thoughtless actions.  Especially knowing that you have difficulty with possibly getting pregnant, well that's sort of hitting below the belt.  My other thought is this, he is a father, this is his child, and even though it kills you to know about this child, it's still an innocent in all of this mess.  This woman will be part of his life because they share a child and that is something you need to accept.  As long as he keeps their conversations solely about the child than that will be something you need to think if you can tolerate.  He should step up and be a father, and I don't think this woman needs to tag along on his visitations but if he has no relationship yet, I can understand why she would want to be there.  It would just have to take a lot of strength on your part to deal with not only the fact that he betrayed you and broke your trust, but the fact that his past will be part of his life forever.  You can't just move on, it will be a constant.  That will be something you have to think about.  Could you handle that?  I do recommend counseling though.  Without it, I think your marriage will be doomed.

[Solace84]

I've been thinking about all this.
Believe me I have.
But can a person change from this? He is a nice person. Something changed when I broke up with him and went away for 2 years because I don't believe in long distance relationships. Which had hurt him. (That is another story) When I came home on vacation we will see each other till I left. And b4 I returned home he asked me to go on vacation with him to another island and ask me to marry him there.  The thing is I have found no one to even say I will replace him with.
I believe he is sorry about it.
And the part about him fathering the child if she need anything for the child she will get it. But he hasn't seen him. She wants him to come by her to she the child. He asked me if I want us to go for him. He did call her and ask if he can come for the child to spend some time with him and she made some comment. Then he told her he not gonna kidnap him it's just for a couple hours. She asked something like why he can come there and spend time with him. He told her no.
The child was teething and from his age and growing up around and help taking care of my cousins I knew that when she said he had a fever I told him he told her that is what is proberly happening. She took him to the doc. I called her when my fiancee told me she hadn't call to say what the doc said and when he called he didn't get her. She said he was good and everything. I ask her when am I seeing him she ask me what for. And she will think about it. Form the way she spoke to me I know she doesn't want me seeing him.
The night I found out I called her and ask her if the child was his she asked why and then said no. He also told me that she wasn't sure. She had told him the father was the guy she was with and it's not him. She never really said it was his child but said she wanted him to spend time with him. I left it as being his child. No there was no DNA tests done they are expensive here so no one bothers about it. And he will first have to get time away from her with the child to do it.

Like they say the good men are taken or out of your reach. Alot of men I see now just want you because of how you look. Oh ya have a good shape I would love to be your man and make love to you all night. They wanna sleep with you on just meeting you. No one else writes me poems, or tell me lets go for a drive or to the beach, or just wanna sit and watch tv with me. Wanna make me breakfast sometimes.
One guy told me he will get me no matter what and nothing I can do about it. Since then I look at da man diffrent. And stay away from him. Some men get so caught up in "The American Lifestyle" they forget where they are from. (Sorry but I am from the islands)

[mami1323]

Well I'm not sure what it's like over there so I can't really give you my opinion on that.  But a good man wouldn't cheat either.  He may do all these nice things for you but look at what he's done to you.  Regardless, it's not really your place to speak with the other woman.  She didn't have sex with you, she didn't possibly get impregnated by you, so it should be his conversation with her.  I'm sure she didn't like the fact that you were getting involved and I don't blame her, it's really none of your business.  If you both are unsure of the paternity then you need to tell the other girl that before he comes and spends time with the child, he needs to know for sure.  It isn't fair for him to bond with him and then turns out he's not the father.  It also isn't fair for the child to get close to him either and then in the long run gets hurt because he isn't the child's father.  That's how I feel at least.

[Solace84]

We are gonna be doing pre-marital counselling I just haven't deciden when yet. Should be around sept to nov. Yes he have done some changes now that I think back at it. More time is spent with me. He talks about what he wants for us. He doesn't really go out unless it's chilling with the guys once in a blue moon. Other than that he keeps to himself at home.
Ok. I good if she keep the conversations to how the child doing. What really pisses me off is you wouldn't hear from her for awhile and when she do call is eveyday for a whole week
and if she call at night after 9 and she don't get him she will keep calling. One night his phone ran but ended before I got to it and I realised she was calling I picked up his other phone to turn both of them off because he was asleep. That phone had missed calls from her and before I could turn it off she called back I was saying hello and she said nothing then eventually hung up. He woke up after 12 the phones were next to me and he pick them up and after he saw they were off put them down. I told him she called and to tell her to have some manners. He askes what happen. I told him then we went to sleep.
If he do answer some her calls and says he busy she still wanna know wa he doing and carry on a conversation.

[Solace84]

He doesn't want to go there to spend time with the child.  Maybe that's why we haven't seen the child cause he isn't sure if he is the father. I am already involved. He said he wants us to spend time with the child once he goes for him.

[gokuangel]

First if he's not sure get the DNA test dont waste time! if he is the father he should get to know the child!

On your question I hate to be blunt but I cant have children either and if my husband did that to me I would punch him in his face! He knows the pain i go through with Infertility and that would be the worst thing EVER something me personally could not deal with!

You have to be the one to decide what you can and cant deal with but i do think every1 is right hes just the cheating kind and it prolly wont get better after getting married!

[DivaH28]

Hello Solace84!

When I read your story it gave me a little piece of mind. Just because I am in exact same situatin as you are. I have been with my fiance for 5 years and we recently got engaged this February and he cheated on me with a girl he met at a club one night. According to the both of them, It was a one time thing and they did use a condom but it popped??? Well He confessed this to me about 3 weeks ago and I have been so devasted since then. He cried and said he was so sorry and it was a huge mistake and doesn't know why he did it. To make matters worse I also have PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarion Syndrome) and I have been wanted to get pregnant for ever! Now this women comes along and takes from me the thing I wanted the most. A child by him. At this point I dont know what to do!! We have been trying to work it out and he has been more then wonderful( Of Course he wants to be on my good side ) Anyhow the girl is way older then the both of us and sounds super mature. She said she doesnt want to cause any problems with us and it is his decision if he wants to be a part of the childs life. All I can say is you know your man and only you know how things are between the both of you besides close doors. Don't let other people opinion influence your choice because they are not in the same situation. I bet have of the women telling you to leave would stay but it is all up to you? Can you really handle this? Do you love him enough to stay? Would you treat the child like its your? Remember the child has no fault in this. The Child didn't ask to be brought into this world and has every right to to know his dad! You have to push your fiance to be there for his kid! If not what kind of men is he? Is that the kind of man you want to father your child. Keep me Posted and I will keep you posted as well on my situation. Any advice for us anyone?

[mami1323]

Actually I was cheated on by my fiance and it was while I was pregnant with his child.  I chose to stay with him and work through the issues.  Had the other woman become pregnant well I think my decision would have been much different.  So my advice was coming from someone who was in a similar situation and I was only giving her my opinion.  She can choose to do what she wants, since it is her life.  My only advice is, if you choose to stay, get help for the relationship.  Get some sort of counseling.  Other than that, it's up to your fiance to rebuild trust and that takes time and effort.  Good luck.

[DivaH28]

Your absolutly right! FYI: I was refering to women in general not you though:) It is a difficult situation and only she knows if she can hadle it. As for me I am still in shock! There are days I am okay with it and then there are days I want to leave hime. I just dont know what roles am I suppose to take when the child gets here???? As a Mom what do you suggest??

[mami1323]

I actually created an infidelity group on here as well.  It was very therapeutic for me to talk with other women who were working through their infidelity issues.  Hmmm, let's see, I think it may be very hard for you once the baby is here.  I think it can go either way, one way, you may feel a bit of jealousy and resentment and it may dig that knife in deeper, or two you could take on a maternal role and be the best step mom you can be.  Since you struggle with PCOS, you may actually enjoy caring for a child, even though it isn't biologically yours.  I think the transition will go smoothly as long as your fiance is sensitive to the situation.  I believe he will make all the difference.  He needs to be understanding and have patience because he's a lucky man that he still has you there for him even after all of this.  Your mood fluctuations will get better in time.  It's very hard in the beginning, you don't know whether to be angry, sad, happy, or bitter.  You just have to keep remembering that this child isn't part of all of this, the child is innocent, then perhaps that will make it easier.  

[Solace84]

Yes I agree that I have to be the one to decide. And I have decided to try. He also tries to be on my good side.
Well I tried to push him to spend time with the child. But then I decided when he is ready he will. But I guess after he realise I don't ask about the child he usually come and tell me stuff.
He still hasn't spent time with the  child. But apparently he did tell the mother he wants to spend time with him and get to know him. And she said no he doesn't need to get to know him.
He bought a pack with a hundred and something pampers for the child and less than 2 weeks later she asking his cuz where he bought the pampers cause it done and she want another. I found it strange. She didn't call him and still hasn't called him to ask him but she trying to find out from his cuz. She use to be calling every day. Well at least those calls have stopped.
I think after she realise that he was gonna stay with me dispite the facts she slowing letting it go but in doing that she is taking the chid with her.

I have nothing against the child. Children are all innocent in these things. I told him if he want around when he goes for the child I will be. But my intention is to let them spend some one on one time together away from me and the child mother.

As time goes by will let u know wa happen.

[DivaH28]

I guess only time will tell and patience. Thanks for all your advice! I will keep you posted! At least I can say I love kids so thats a good thing. I also decided to put getting pregnant on hold. I think I should wait to see how things plan out. But now more then ever I want a baby. Is that crazy???

[mami1323]

It's not crazy at all.  It's something you wanted before this and now you want a connection to him even more.  But I think it's smart to put it on hold.  You want to make sure that this is something you truly want.  Getting a relationship back on track after infidelity is so hard and a really long road to travel.  Some relationships don't withstand the pressures and problems that come after the act, and I don't mean right after, I mean years after.  Babies add so much stress to even the healthiest of relationships and so it's best to get your relationship back on track first and then move forward with the baby plans.  Good luck and I'm always here if you would like to chat.

[DivaH28]

Thank You! It means alot to me :)