Aa
I've been a terrible girlfriend?
I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now. We got together straight after high school at 17 and 18.
Things are great now but in the first year I was far from the perfect girlfriend. I'm not sure what happened. The first 6 months were great. We saw each other every day but rarely argued, he went out with his friends, I went out with mine everything was perfect.
Once we hit the 6 months mark things seem to change suddenly. I seemed to get overly clingy and get an attitude. Whenever he was invited out with his friends, I got an attitude and have him a hard time. I never asked him not to go out, but I feel bad about the arguments I caused because of it. All of my girlfriends went off to uni so I didn't see them as much as when they were either miles away or busy with uni work/their uni friends. I got co-dependant on him, I think, and didn't like when he went out because I was bored and had nothing to do. He eventually stopped saying yes to his friends because of my reaction to it all- although he denies it and says I was within my rights and had a justified reason to get huffy about it, I know what I did was wrong. I am more laid back now and I'm back to how I was when we first got together, and although my girlfriends are still busy with their uni life and can't come out as much, I can be on my own and make my own entertainment. It still doesn't stop his friends from asking me if he can do stuff (eg go on a lads holiday) and make fun of him, calling him whipped etc. He also asks in front of his family if I'm ok with the plans he's made which makes me feel like they think I'm controlling his life.
After about 7 months together I found something out that made me lose a lot of trust in him. He was 100% faithful but spoke about me as if I was some sort of goal, as if he wasn't serious about me, saying things like "she's gagging for it and I need to get her shagged" there was more but he deleted the messages when I asked to see them when I found out, hence why i lost a lot of trust in him. I lost my virginity to him so I was hurt at the fact he talked about me like was some sort of ****. I wasn't the fact he was talking about our sex life, more how he said the things he said. This cause arguments on an almost daily basis. I couldn't move on from what he did and brought it up in almost every argument. We even argued in front of our friends and I said some pretty mean things to him infront of them. I was pretty insecure and got annoyed at any little white lies he told me.
We saw each other every day and there was a point where he wanted some space to 'be a guy' (chill, play video games, go out with his mates) I got a little upset and he told his friends this. I obviously let h&m have this space but her decided he didn't like it as much as he thought and so we went back to seeing each other every evening after work etc. He has the freedom to see his mates weekdays and weekends if he wants and we're at the stage of our relationship we were can be together but be doing different things so he can play his video games whenever he wants, really.
I'm scared about what his and our friends and his family (he close with them and tells them everything) of me and my past behaviour. I'm scared they think I'm girlfriend from hell and have branded me forever as a horrible girlfriend.
I feel like I've been a horrible girlfriend. I keep telling him he deserves better and even though I've grown from what I was like then I feel very guilty and I feel like my boyfriend needs to get even with me and just break up with me. He tells me he loves me and has never wanted to breakup but I can't seem to accept that and feel horrible for my behaviour.
He's been nothing but perfect. Loving, attentive, supportive and understanding whereas I've just been a nightmare to deal with the past year or so.
How can i move past this and get on with my relationship?
Things are great now but in the first year I was far from the perfect girlfriend. I'm not sure what happened. The first 6 months were great. We saw each other every day but rarely argued, he went out with his friends, I went out with mine everything was perfect.
Once we hit the 6 months mark things seem to change suddenly. I seemed to get overly clingy and get an attitude. Whenever he was invited out with his friends, I got an attitude and have him a hard time. I never asked him not to go out, but I feel bad about the arguments I caused because of it. All of my girlfriends went off to uni so I didn't see them as much as when they were either miles away or busy with uni work/their uni friends. I got co-dependant on him, I think, and didn't like when he went out because I was bored and had nothing to do. He eventually stopped saying yes to his friends because of my reaction to it all- although he denies it and says I was within my rights and had a justified reason to get huffy about it, I know what I did was wrong. I am more laid back now and I'm back to how I was when we first got together, and although my girlfriends are still busy with their uni life and can't come out as much, I can be on my own and make my own entertainment. It still doesn't stop his friends from asking me if he can do stuff (eg go on a lads holiday) and make fun of him, calling him whipped etc. He also asks in front of his family if I'm ok with the plans he's made which makes me feel like they think I'm controlling his life.
After about 7 months together I found something out that made me lose a lot of trust in him. He was 100% faithful but spoke about me as if I was some sort of goal, as if he wasn't serious about me, saying things like "she's gagging for it and I need to get her shagged" there was more but he deleted the messages when I asked to see them when I found out, hence why i lost a lot of trust in him. I lost my virginity to him so I was hurt at the fact he talked about me like was some sort of ****. I wasn't the fact he was talking about our sex life, more how he said the things he said. This cause arguments on an almost daily basis. I couldn't move on from what he did and brought it up in almost every argument. We even argued in front of our friends and I said some pretty mean things to him infront of them. I was pretty insecure and got annoyed at any little white lies he told me.
We saw each other every day and there was a point where he wanted some space to 'be a guy' (chill, play video games, go out with his mates) I got a little upset and he told his friends this. I obviously let h&m have this space but her decided he didn't like it as much as he thought and so we went back to seeing each other every evening after work etc. He has the freedom to see his mates weekdays and weekends if he wants and we're at the stage of our relationship we were can be together but be doing different things so he can play his video games whenever he wants, really.
I'm scared about what his and our friends and his family (he close with them and tells them everything) of me and my past behaviour. I'm scared they think I'm girlfriend from hell and have branded me forever as a horrible girlfriend.
I feel like I've been a horrible girlfriend. I keep telling him he deserves better and even though I've grown from what I was like then I feel very guilty and I feel like my boyfriend needs to get even with me and just break up with me. He tells me he loves me and has never wanted to breakup but I can't seem to accept that and feel horrible for my behaviour.
He's been nothing but perfect. Loving, attentive, supportive and understanding whereas I've just been a nightmare to deal with the past year or so.
How can i move past this and get on with my relationship?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, perfectionism comes from seeking external approval. You are right on the money that you look at others and see only the good. What is better than trying to be 'perfect' is to strive for excellence. Try to be your best self and continue to approve upon things. We ALL need to do that.
And you certainly can't be all bad because your boyfriend is still with you. :>)
It helps to make a list of things that you like about yourself. Add to it all the time. In fact, a positive thoughts journal is helpful. You can keep a running list of what you like about yourself, things that you do that make you happy in life and moments in which you were happy to reflect upon.
This helps balance any negative self talk you are doing. I encourage you to start that and embrace it.
No relationship is perfect and often the ones that appear the most perfect on the outside are the most fragile in private. You will see this over time, I assure you.
Hang in there. We all doubt ourselves and we can make that a 'good' thing if we use the doubt to try to recalibrate how we do things so that ultimately, we are happier people. good luck dear. I think you are pretty mature to even be willing to look at yourself in this way. peace
And you certainly can't be all bad because your boyfriend is still with you. :>)
It helps to make a list of things that you like about yourself. Add to it all the time. In fact, a positive thoughts journal is helpful. You can keep a running list of what you like about yourself, things that you do that make you happy in life and moments in which you were happy to reflect upon.
This helps balance any negative self talk you are doing. I encourage you to start that and embrace it.
No relationship is perfect and often the ones that appear the most perfect on the outside are the most fragile in private. You will see this over time, I assure you.
Hang in there. We all doubt ourselves and we can make that a 'good' thing if we use the doubt to try to recalibrate how we do things so that ultimately, we are happier people. good luck dear. I think you are pretty mature to even be willing to look at yourself in this way. peace
Thank you! I've been reflecting a lot of myself lately and this is something that has bothered me for a while because there was no reason for me to behave in the way i did. Not that i ever thought i was but I guess i'm struggling to accept the fact that i'm not perfect. I'm not sure why but my reflection on myself has made me feel very negatively and it's to the point where i can't even pin point any positive points about the way I was/am.
I'm trying to keep telling myself that he wasn't perfect and that no one truly is, but looking at my friends relationships and how good they are together makes me (stupidly) compare and i blame myself for the problems that we had.
I know i'm young but I don't really feel mature. I'm 20 and feel like an overgrown preteen really. I'm not sure if the way i'm feeling about my past behaviour is just me starting to mature and grow up and i will (hopefully) learn to accept it and move past it in time. There are things, including this situation, that i am struggling to move past now, 2 years later though so i'm concerned that i'll never move past it.
Anyway, i'm going off on a tangent lol. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!
I'm trying to keep telling myself that he wasn't perfect and that no one truly is, but looking at my friends relationships and how good they are together makes me (stupidly) compare and i blame myself for the problems that we had.
I know i'm young but I don't really feel mature. I'm 20 and feel like an overgrown preteen really. I'm not sure if the way i'm feeling about my past behaviour is just me starting to mature and grow up and i will (hopefully) learn to accept it and move past it in time. There are things, including this situation, that i am struggling to move past now, 2 years later though so i'm concerned that i'll never move past it.
Anyway, i'm going off on a tangent lol. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Do always be careful what you put in a letter though as those can be brought back. I'm more for face to face conversations for true intimacy and then a love letter to hold onto. I think it can help to write out what you are wanting to express but then SAY it as being able to talk to our partners is important. good luck
some young men when they are with there buddys they talk stuff that they dont mean for the amount of time he has bin with you and he dont want to brake up with you and how he sticks by you well it seems that he realy loves you and dont be so hard on your self you seem to be very lonely and want him with you talk calmly to him sometimes writing a letter and giveing it to the person is a great way of exspressing your feelings
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, he wasn't perfect. he belittled you to other people in his life making it awkward for you now. That's now perfect sweetie.
You were/are young and learning. What I really like about you is your ability to look within and see things that you want to change about how you handle things or feel about something and then you do that. That is fantastic and that makes any man from this point forward lucky to be with you. so many refuse to look honestly at their own actions and make any changes--- you are unique in that you seem to embrace that and are willing to work on things.
A healthy relationship is 'interdependence" This means that you are fine on your own, he's fine on his own, but you want to be together. Stay in school, work hard at your career, have your own friends and activities and you'll be a much better partner as will he because then you SHARE your lives together rather than BEING each others life. But you've caught onto that it seems.
I think that you see you made mistakes and you are correcting them and NOT seeing him as perfect is the way to go to move on. When around anyone he talked about you as a goat to (that is a funny line from your post by the way)--- just put on a smile and ignore that situation.
good luck dear and hope it all goes well for you
You were/are young and learning. What I really like about you is your ability to look within and see things that you want to change about how you handle things or feel about something and then you do that. That is fantastic and that makes any man from this point forward lucky to be with you. so many refuse to look honestly at their own actions and make any changes--- you are unique in that you seem to embrace that and are willing to work on things.
A healthy relationship is 'interdependence" This means that you are fine on your own, he's fine on his own, but you want to be together. Stay in school, work hard at your career, have your own friends and activities and you'll be a much better partner as will he because then you SHARE your lives together rather than BEING each others life. But you've caught onto that it seems.
I think that you see you made mistakes and you are correcting them and NOT seeing him as perfect is the way to go to move on. When around anyone he talked about you as a goat to (that is a funny line from your post by the way)--- just put on a smile and ignore that situation.
good luck dear and hope it all goes well for you
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