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1589929 tn?1310066922

He just doesn't get it and I'm sick of it!!!

My husband and I have been together for about 9 years and married almost 2 years and I'm not 24 weeks pregnant. Before I was pregnant I suffered from depression, anxiety and insomnia and since becoming pregnant all of it has only gotten worse. My husband just shrugs it off and says we'll get you through this and blah, blah, blah. Well I've been this way all of my life and therapy doesn't help and most medications don't help and it really doesn't help when my husband ignores me to play video games!!! I'm so sick of it and I can't deal with all of this alone but every time I talk about it he ignores me of just nods along. I moved 600 miles away from my family and friends to be with him and I don't really have any friends here and I can't stand his family. I'm not working or going to school at the moment because I couldn't handle it and being pregnant too, so I'm always alone. My husband is a cop and works a lot and I know he has to work but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he paid attention to me and really tried to help me with my problems. I wake up crying in the middle of the night or have a panic attack and all he does is hush me and rub my back for a minute and go back to sleep. I feel so alone and trapped, I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to leave him or anything but I don't know what else to do. I'm in so much pain and so stressed out and depressed, what the hell can I do???
Best Answer
Avatar universal
I dont think your being unfair asking for some support from your husband,as a couple you should be there for each other thats what it is all about,yes granted we all need some time to ourselves,but we also need couple time,i would suggest to him that instead of playing his console which by the way would do my head in too if it was constant and maybe go for a walk or for a meal where you can both try and talk,there is a baby on the way and he will have to put his toy down then.I think your husband has issues with letting his barriers down probably due to the way his family has always favoured his brother over him that in itself can be hard to deal with,but unlike us men do tend to bury their heads in the sand,i would keep on to him about therapy,and i hope that one day he will see that this will benefit the two of you.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
When you finish with all the details, we will all be here to help you.  I'm glad you are not mad and it is very difficult to get the whole story through a single post.  So when you are ready, post more!  
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1589929 tn?1310066922
Look everyone I am thankful for you to take your time to try and help a total stranger with a serious problem they are having but I wrote the initial post in a vent, so it was rushed, a lot of details were left out etc. so in order for me to try and actually get help with this problem I am going to write down exactly how I feel about the entire situation, what has led to it and what I believe may be prolonging it etc. and there will be details as soon as I finish it, I will post in on here. I am not angry at anyone who has posted on here but I am frustrated because I read the replies and I'm just like they're not getting it and that is partly my fault because of the way I wrote the initial post, I get that and I apologize for it but you know how vents go. I'm not the type of person that HAS TO BE RIGHT. I welcome advice and if I find it useful then I'll use it.
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Avatar universal
Jen, I am not saying this to anger you, but Rockrose nailed it.  You are looking for someone to tell you that "YOU" are 100% right and should do exactly what "YOU" want to do.

From my experience on these boards, I came looking for advice.  I got a ton of it, and some I didn't want. The stuff I didn't want didn't favor me..... the stuff I did want favored me.  I changed my way of thinking by addressing the problem at it's core..... and the problem was me.

Look, I am a 43-44 year old male, typical male stereo-type.... always right, never wrong.... wont cry ever.... big tuff guy.... whatever.  I made a horrible, reprehensible mistake and came to medhelp.org for opinions.  Every single person I asked for help from had been on the other side of what I did, but... but.... they were willing to hear me out and offer suggestions.  Some werent so quick to let me say my part.... but after allowing me to say it, that allowed them to see the same issue from another angle.

Jen, I am not saying you are the problem.... nobody here is.  Your husband does sound like a supportive guy, but he needs to know what you expect of him otherwise he'll continue to do what he's doing.  (Had I given a few more back rubs)  By him saying "we'll get through this" to me means that he is dedicated and will do what it takes.

Help him help you.  Tell him what you want, and it has to be reasonable and or otherwise doable.  Ask him if he can accomplish that.... he in turn might ask for you to give him guidance...."where am I messing up?".  You guys can make it through this, but both of you need to be on the same page.  This is not all about you, nor is it all about him.  This is about you as a couple with a new baby coming.  It's the family and the family needs to be involved.

Believe it or not, you get out of relationships what you put into them.... I am speaking from experience.  Some folks above can attest from first meeting me.  This has to involve both of you.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  I think sometimes when we ask for advice we get all kinds of answers.  And some of it is usable and some of it isn't.  It can get us to look at our situation in a slightly different way and sometimes that can be hard if it is something we don't want to hear.  I think people only wanted to give you some advice from how they saw things from what you've written.  If it doesn't apply, it doesn't apply.  You decide that in the end.  But I would have to say that no one wants to hurt your feelings or make you mad.  I honestly believe that.  

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time.
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Avatar universal
I see this much the same way as RockRose.   EveryOne here is trying to be Helpful to You and EveryOne is being Kind.  You knew what You wanted to hear when You made this post and You ARE angry that people aren't saying what You wanted to hear.  It would behoove You to drop the anger and re-read some of the advise/observations here.

A suggestion:
Even if Your Husband doesn't want to go to counseling it would benefit You to do so - for Your own sake - AND in the long run maybe You will learn to better convey YourSelf to Your Husband and perhaps He would see that as a positive thing and decide to join You in therapy.  Couldn't hurt for You to go with or without Him.
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13167 tn?1327194124
HOOOEY I've spent a long time writing and wiping out this post to you.   I'm REALLY trying to give you some truth,  from my old age of 51,  and my ragged experience.  You haven't been given the answers you were looking for - but sometimes,  that's the best thing ever.  You're asking for this one type of answer,  and no one is giving it to you.  But everyone here is giving you loving answers.  No one is posters on those nasty boards where they are hateful.  Everyone here is giving you love and wisdom.  Read it.  Read the responses again,  and open your heart to the thoughts that are being passed on.  

You didn't get what you wanted to hear here.

"Bad Childhood,  Good LIfe" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  

Read this book if you are determined to approach your adulthood,  and your impending parenthood,    in the way of looking forward,  not looking backward.  Having full whole adult fulfilling relationships.  Being a whole wife,  a whole mother,  a joyful adult woman with a full exciting life.   If that is your hope and your  goal,  read this book.

If that's not your goal,  don't read what everyone here has given you,  and don't check this book out from the library.  There is a full,  joyful,  rich world out there.  Embrace it or don't.  

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1589929 tn?1310066922
This is proof that relationship advice should never be asked or given.
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Avatar universal
No one is saying that only You are to blame and Him not at all, but You ARE being  defensive and negative about every suggestion that is made here.  No one is telling You that You are wrong - everyone is only offering suggestions and possibilities.  No one means to distress You - I am sure of that.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think this half the problem here her husband is a cop and i really dont think he would go through  his department for help he wont even go to one with his wife which isnt involved in his job,i really also think the husband has issues as well as the fact that he finds it hard to help his wife,as we have all read he too has a few family problems with regards to his mother and brother,whilst i think all the advice is helpful,i really do believe that he too could be helping her look for these classes and introducing her to all these things,i think with support from both parties they would see a difference.I get what is being said about a man feeling worthless but i know if i was 24 weeks pregnant having a panic attack and my husband just shrugged it off i would feel devastated too,i really think it isnt just her with the problems,she speaks to a therapist he hides away on his console and as what has happened to jenlyn it will happen to him,it will bite him on the butt when he least expects it.
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Avatar universal
Hey Jenlyn, I too have had problems with anxiety and panic attacks along with a few other things that I won't get into.  I am not trying to be a jerk or pick a fight when I say the following words.

On the outside, it is real easy to see that perhaps your husband isn't being as supportive as you think he should be.  How much do you actually communicate with him?  Not just talk, but honestly communicate... create an environment where you can politely say whats on your mind and suggest ways your husband can be more supportive.  Without knowledge of what you're seeking, he is simply shooting in the dark.  (I did the same thing to my wife, and she was just trying to shooting in the dark, hoping to hit on what I really wanted)  I did not effectively communicate to my wife what I was looking for.  That sent her guessing, and every guess was coming up wrong.  In my frustration, I sank deeper into my depression....

The key is communication.  Not only effectively saying what it is you are looking for and offering your partner suggestions as to how to help, but by being willing to listen to some things that you might not want to hear.... (Your husband may feel as if he is trying, but nothing he is doing is good enough...)  Reassurance works wonders, but that comes in line with communication.

Try this, have you folks gone to see a therapist that deals with anxiety/depression?  Find a good one, and try to schedule a time when your husband can be there with you.  He will be able to offer his 2 cents while you offer yours, and its in an environment that is meant for doing just that.  Again, I am NOT saying you folks have marital problems.  What I am saying is that perhaps the communication isn't running as deep as it should.....

I think a lot of times we just assume our partners will do whats right, or whats expected.  Without actually saying it, without actually saying what it would mean to you to have this done, or that done.... the message is not conveyed.  Expecting and communication are 2 different things.  I am almost 44 years old, and just found that out this year...

Try some therapy.... some forms are very very affordable, and often they can get you in on a sliding scale.  (Perhaps your husbands department has a link to a therapist???)

Good luck, and please address this.  Being pregnant is stressful enough, this on top is probably overwhelming.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Jen.  I must say that I think you've been given some great advice here.  What stands out to me about your post is that you feel isolated, unsupported, and a bit hopeless.  I do think that all can relate back directly to any mental health issues you've been suffering and being pregnant is going to possibly make these worse.  I'd tell your doctor about this most assuredly because you are at risk for postpartum depression that might be worse than you are expecting.  You want your doctor to be aware of that.  

Okay, so what can you do?  I have seen many things written above that would be of great help to you.  I've noticed that pregnant ladies bond.  Really bond.  I'd look for groups to join.  There are the ones above which are all excellent as well as some pregnant exercise classes (ask your doctor or local hospital you will deliver at), there is MOPS (Mother's of preschoolers) which I joined and met lots of great people, any church you join has groups to join.  You have to make some effort to meet people and find some outside friends and support.  Mops is good even though you've not had your baby yet, you will meet other moms and moms to be.  It is usually run out of a church and is Christian based but all types of folks join and it is really just a mommy group for fun.  I would make your best effort to connect with some other ladies.

With regards to your husband.  It is true that we only know what you write.  I think something that happens is that someone gives to their partner without any real idea what they want or need.  You may need to spell it out for him.  And if you don't know, it will be hard for him to figure it out.  So I think you will have to think about this and help him help you.  I do agree that he sounds open to being there for you.  And knowing that we have a lot of issues such as you describe and that we aren't always easy to support is important to acknowledge.  I think that we all want to be loved a certain way and taken care of and sometimes our partner gets it wrong.  I guess that is what you are saying is going on.  But you've been with him a long time--------------  and married him, and got pregnant, etc.  So he must have some redeeming qualities, right?  

I do wish you luck. This is a stressful time for you and I hope that you find peace and joy as you prepare for your baby.  
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
They listen intently when you're saying something they want to hear,  Jen.  I bet when you say things like how sexy he looks in his uniform,  how cool it is for you to feel the baby kick, or your Mom said something sweet today,  he'd be all ears.  Men aren't that complicated.  ;D

It sounds like what you need is girlfriends.  Because they usually DO want to hear it,  as long as you listen to what they have to say back about their lives.  

I'll be on the phone for 45 minutes with a friend where it's obvious the conversation is going around and around in circles,  and when I put the phone down my husband will say uh,  I hope I don't have to hear all about that.  ; D,  no,  he doesn't have to hear it.

With your issues it's more serious,  because these aren't just soccer or neighborhood problems, it's your life.

If you really have some things you want him to know  -  whatever the things were - abuse,  abandonment,  etc.,  other awful things,  I think you should explain to him that you need an hour some evening to tell him the specific things you want him to know and understand,  and after you tell him those things he won't ever have to hear about them again.  They're just things you want him to know,  and you're ready to say it.  I think he will pull up a chair right then and say "Go!   I'm listening".  

I know again I sound like a cold know it all,  but I'm really telling you things that will bridge this for you and him,  and get you past the feeling that he really doesn't care.  I strongly sense he DOES care,  he just doesn't always want to listen to your unhappiness all the time,  because it's a sign of his failure (to him).  

Best wishes.  I really think you need to get into a circle of women (through child birth classes maybe?  Breastfeeding classes?  All those cool things.  Girlfriends that you can be "pregnant with" because you will find support and friendship there that will last.
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1589929 tn?1310066922
To everyone on this post, I wish I had the time to post about my entire relationship with my husband but I don't and I don't want to bore ya'll to death but just because I let out a random vent and didn't choose my words carefully ya'll think I'm ignorant and only see things from my point of view and that's not the case at all.
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1589929 tn?1310066922
I know how men are and I know they don't listen 99% of the time and my marriage is not in danger, I don't nag him or argue with him about it and he knows the HE IS NOT the reason I'm not happy. I had a very difficult upbringing that I'm just now willing to talk about and that's one of the reasons I want him to go with me, not to bash him in front of a stranger but for him to hear why I am the way that I am and what I have been through to make me the way that I am so that he will definitely know that my thoughts and actions have nothing to do with him. And he's actually not miserable, he is very content with our life and ecstatic about the baby. And when I am around his family and friends I may be uncomfortable but I'm polite and sociable, I would never do anything to put my husband in an awkward position. I feel like if I can get him away from the house and inside an office that he would be more prone to listen. He's really the only person I have to confide in and lean on and it always seems that when I'm having a bad day that, that is the day he comes home and plays his video games and I've tried to talk to him and tell him I need him and he always says I'll be there in a sec and he never comes to me, so most of the time, I just lay down and cry because there is nothing else I can do.
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13167 tn?1327194124
No one is acting like you're a horrible person,  Jen.

Most everyone  here seems to be in agreement,  though,  that you're not seeing this from both sides,  from his AND yours.

Guys aren't very good at listening,  for months,  that their wives are unhappy.  Guys like problems they can fix.  It's really really important to a man that he feel like he can make his wife happy,  and hearing for months that you are not happy,  and he isn't making you happy,  wears on his soul.

And so when you ask for him to go to therapy with you and sit in a room with a stranger and listen to you again state in great detail how unhappy you are in your life.  He's just not up for that,  he's probably absolutely full to the very breaking brim of hearing it.   That you are not happy,  to him,  is a direct criticism of him,  as a husband.  And you apparently don't like either his family OR his friends,  but you will tolerate being around them sometimes just to be agreeable.

He must be miserable.  As miserable as you are.

I know I come across cold in the written word,  but I'm not.  I'm really giving you information that you could use to save your marriage,  if you're interested in that at this point.   I can tell you,  he won't put up with this for too much longer before he can't take the feeling of failure anymore.

Helpful - 0
1589929 tn?1310066922
By taking a minute out of his night or day to rub my back or hold me and say "everything is going to be alright" isn't being that supportive and that's not what I'm asking for, I'm asking him to go to a therapy session with me and he won't, how difficult is it for him to do that? I am nice and polite to his family when I'm around them but I try to avoid them when possible. When you got married maybe your married the entire family but I didn't and neither did he. My "condition" has nothing to do with the way I feel, I'll feel he's being supportive when he goes to therapy with me like I've been asking him for over a year. I give into to everything he asks me to do including hanging out with his family and friends etc. and he can't go to one therapy session with me? And all of you are acting like I'm some horrible person, don't judge what you don't know.  
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Avatar universal
Maybe You could re-think what Your Husband HAS said and done.  You stated early on that Your Husband said "We will get You through this and blah blah blah" - that sounds supportive to me.  You said when You wake up crying in the middle of the night, He hushes You and rubs Your back.  That sounds supportive too.  You said He is a cop and works a lot so He DOES need His sleep.  You didn't say how much He plays video but on the surface of Your post it does sound like He's supportive.  (and when We marry someone we DO marry the family too.  It's in EVERYONE's best interest if We try to get along.  We don't have to "like" them but it's helpful in Our Relationships to remain "kind and polite" to/with the other family)
You said You've been anxious and depressed all Your life and You've had NINE years to see what kind of Man He is - So, could it possibly be Your "sensitive" condition that's making You feel He's not being supportive?
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Avatar universal
Can you join a mommy group? Maybe some female support would help. Also talk to your obgyn about this. He/she may be able to help. May set you up with a counselor. It seems you have a hormonal imbalance for a long time and it is made worse during pregnancy ( and will probably escalate after the baby till things get back to normal) you need to seek some professional help. I have a dear friend who suffers depression and she has just given birth to her 3rd child. The first go round was hell but the last two were much easier b/c the doctor worked with her. Good Luck!
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1589929 tn?1310066922
My response to the other person was not meant to come across as angry, maybe if she would have structured her response a little more like yours I wouldn't have even replied to her. And as far as my husbands family goes believe me when I say I've tried to get along with them but they truly do not like me, so I have stopped wasting my time and energy on trying to make them like/accept me. I married my husband not his family and my family treats my husband nothing like his family treats me, my parents love him to death.  

"Men tend to be real 'fixers' - if they cannot 'fix' something they can be a bit in the wilderness about what to do to help. But this dosen't mean he loves you any less or dosen't want to help you. As he has been dealing with these issues with you in the relationship for so long he probably genuinely dosen't know what to say or do to help, and I'm sure he (and you) know there is nothing he can do to cure anxiety, depression or insomnia, except for listening and comforting you when he can."

I understand what you are saying here but I have been blunt with him time and time again, that I need his support, it would mean a lot to me if he would just sit in on a therapy session with me, honestly is that too much to ask? I think he would get a better understanding of where I'm coming from. There is no love loss between us and neither of us have any delusions about either of us curing my issues, all I'm asking is for him to put down the controller and talk to me and reconsider the therapy session. If you think I'm a pissed off person, you should see what some of my friends have done to their boyfriends/husbands when it comes to things like this, they've unplugged the game console, hid it or threw it out. I'm just getting sick of feeling like video games are more important than our communication. Most of the time I don't even say anything to him, I'll read a book or something or if it's one of my bad days I'll just lay there and cry. Feeling so alone with someone you love so much in the same room with you is an awful feeling.
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Avatar universal
You seem like a very angry person ...... I understand you were venting here a bit but your initial post then your response to Rockrose do come across as very angry.

I'll give you a couple of thoughts I had but I hope I don't get my head bitten of as RR did!

Men tend to be real 'fixers' - if they cannot 'fix' something they can be a bit in the wilderness about what to do to help. But this dosen't mean he loves you any less or dosen't want to help you. As he has been dealing with these issues with you in the relationship for so long he probably genuinely dosen't know what to say or do to help, and I'm sure he (and you) know there is nothing he can do to cure anxiety, depression or insomnia, except for listening and comforting you when he can.

Perhaps rather than focusing on what he is or isn't doing you could put that energy in to finding good help for the anxiety, depression and insomnia - I have also batteled all three of these at different points in my life and can understand how hard they can be. Do you think the therapy is working? If not ... it can always be good to get a second opinion - a fresh set of ears in a new therapist. I have found that getting out of the house and having a power walk can really help anxiety (and depression) - it gets the endorphins going. And makes you tired so hopefully you are tired to sleep.

When I couldn't sleep in the past I used to get really anxious about what I had to do the next day and how tired I'd probably be - which makes you more wide awake! - now I just tell myself that I WILL sleep when I get tired enough and the next day WILL not be to bad even if I'm a bit tired I'll get through it and be okay...... it helps I think.

I know you may find it hard at times but think of the positives in your life - it sounds like this was a planned pregnancy and wanted baby so it is a blessing you have a baby of the way - and you have a husband who loves you and wants to help (in the way he knows how!)

I know you say you can't stand his family - but if you try to embrace them for what they are they can be a support to you. This will make your life better and will also help your husband - because if he knows you can't stand his family this is probably hurtful to him.

Anyway thats my two cents - I'm sure others will be along to give their views too.

Best of luck,
Perch.
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1589929 tn?1310066922
I never placed blame on anyone in my post for "not curing me." I don't expect anyone to cure me but when my husband and I are as different as day and night and I try to find some middle ground and he just shrugs it off or ignores me to play video games like a 15 year old then yes I do get a little pissed and I have a right to. When you're married you're supposed to be there for each other and support each other through thick and thin. I've even tried to get him to sit in on one of my therapy sessions so that he may obtain a better understanding of what I'm feeling and going through but he won't go to therapy, even though it could possibly help me and if it were for him I would go in a heartbeat.

Yes, I did move away from my family and friends and I have a wonderful and close family and the most amazing friends there but I don't get to see them that often so of course I'm going to miss them and get homesick sometimes, what the hell is wrong with that?

Again, I never blamed my husband for anything and I would never blame him for my mental health issues because he didn't make me this way but he is my husband and I do expect him to show some kind of concern at least, when he gets depressed about something I'm always there for him, so, what makes it so wrong that I want him to be there for me? I mean oh my God, people expect their spouses to be there for them when they need them the most??? That is so completely outrageous! Couples are supposed to be distant, build a wall around them, yeah that's how you make a relationship stronger. I never said I hate his family either (I don't hate anyone) we're just very different and have not had a good relationship since the day we met. They act like I'm supposed to choose them over my parents just because we're 600 miles apart and no one is going to replace my family and not to mention they're complete jerks to my husband and always favor his baby brother over him and I know it hurts my husband but he never says anything about it.

Hahahaha I love people who pass judgment on others they don't even know especially over a post that was written in about a minute as a vent. You want to know what I think? I think you should really think, you know use your brain to reply to a post before you even start typing. What do you know about my life to say that I need to "rethink" it? You don't know a damn thing about me. I need serious therapy just because I want my husband and I to make our relationship better and to understand each other better? I may go to therapy because it does help me vent, oh and of course it helps me to avoid ignorant people like you on message boards like this. What makes you an expert on my life, when you know nothing about it? Oh and you're also saying that pregnant women who have mental health issues are basically screwed and crazy if they don't seek treatment right away or in some cases at all? Yet, another ignorant judgment and you sound like you think my husband and I are insane for planning to have a baby? Yeah because that's something that couples never do either, I mean wow, why would a couple that's in love want to have a baby together? Total puzzler!!!

Basically what it boils down to is that my husband and I are having some issues right now and I was looking for some GOOD advice and yes my post may not have contained a lot of information because I wrote it so quickly but your post is just ignorant.

"Prayers that somehow this will work out for you." That this will work out for me? It will work out for me, every relationship has it's ups and downs and right now we are having problems but I'm doing what I can to get us over this hurdle and my husband is slowly coming around. There is no lack of love, respect or trust in our relationship, just communication problems and that has been a problem since the beginning of our relationship, so yes I'm sick of it and want to learn how to cope with it and eventually overcome it. And I’m not the only one with communication issues, he went through a lot as a teenager (I’m not going into details) but it devastated him and he’s held everything in since then. Even his mom and his aunt told him he needed therapy before I even met him but he wouldn’t and still won’t go.

Please remember to think before you begin to type next time.

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13167 tn?1327194124
Jen,  this is awful.  Really hard to read.

You've had depression,  anxiety and insomnia all your life and now you're pregnant and you're blaming your new husband for not curing you.  

And you're midterm in your pregnancy.

And you've moved far far away from where you lived before,  although it's not clear that you got any support there that might be helpful.

What do you want your new husband to do?  You've had these mental health issues all your life and now you're blaming him for them,    and expecting HIM to fix them,   and you're making it clear you hate HIS extended support, his family.

I really think you need a complete rethink on your entire life,  and you need to have serious therapy,  but since you're more than halfway through a pregnancy you planned maybe you don't have that luxury.

What do you want posters on this board to help you with?  It's hard to know how to help you besides to stare at the screen and shake my head.

Prayers that somehow this will work out for you.



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