I know I'm not crazy! right?

[forgotme]

my "fiance" has about 50 pgof porn on his phone a day but the sad thing is he will do it when I am just upstairs. I'm so sick of his gross *** . he is almost 40 and acts like a 13 yr old boy with this stuff , he is totally addicted and so disrespectful. He go to his home screen or his twitter pg when I come down the stairs. he has a problem getting hard sometimes. Just sick. I uploaded a few penis pics to see how he felt and left my phone home one day and of course his guilty *** went through my phone , he was pissed but didn't believe I did it because of his porn to show him a lesson. Since then I still all kind of porn in his history and its sad because it tells the time he watched it. One time he call me right after, I was out working smh. Thank god I didn't give up my apt because I can't take it. It makes me wanna go cheat or go see strippers something to make it even and I believe in karma so I think its best for me to leave, 8 yrs down the drain seems like we weren't getting married anyway. But I refuse to let man say "oh its just porn all men do it" no no no. We are all human women like to *** just like anybody else and if you want to sit around and look at women getting banged all day then your not for me. So no more serious relationships I'd rather have a f-buddy if these men don't want to take relationships serious. If I don't look at penis all day and make you feel like crap why do I have deal with you doing it to me. Sorry but we have feeling too.

[Nighthawk61]

You've gotten some great advice here, as to porn addiction in a marriage. as well as yourself seeing red flags early and setting boundaries early and moving on. 8 years is a long waste of your time, which could have been spent with a man that would (hardly) ever seek out porn (sex workers etc).

Please know that there certainly are men out there, that would love and appreciate you and would need nothing and no one else in order to be satisfied. You simply have to be careful to really screen  another man, and be honest about your expectations.

That being said, i think that anyone that you truly love is worth at least one intervention. One try of asking them to get help. Unless the love is gone because of the behavior You set your boundaries in an Intervention , in this case that he Admits to having a problem. In the 12 step program of Sexual Addiction it would sound like this. I admitted that I was powerless over my porn addiction, and my life had become unmanageable.

It should not be a foregone conclusion that he will not accept or seek out help, until you give him an ultimatums (as is done in all interventions). In fact, most addicts respond only to an ultimatum. You set the boundary that you will support him if he seeks and actively works a program to abstain from a certain debilitating behavior (porn addiction).

There is a program for your husband called.Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. http://www.slaafws.org/

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, or S.L.A.A., is a program for anyone who suffers from an addictive compulsion to engage in or avoid sex, love, or emotional attachment.  We use the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous to recover from these compulsions.   The following behaviors have been experienced by members.

Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
Fearing abandonment and loneliness , we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships….
We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy.….
To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement
                                                        
There is a Family Program for you as well. Even if your husband refuses, going through the Family Program may help you immensely to put into perspective what's happened to your marriage. Just being able to talk about it to others who have experienced what you are going through , for however long or short you deem necessary, might help you a lot to move forward and feel supported.

S-Anon International Family Groups

http://www.sanon.org/whatissanon.html

S-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; it does not wish to engage in any controversy; nor does it endorse or oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is to recover from the effects upon us of another person's sexaholism and to help the families and friends of sexaholics. We do this by applying the Twelve Steps of S-Anon to our lives and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of sexaholics.

You have a choice as to how you move forward. Please let us know how things are going for you.

[forgotme]

You are so right thank you . I really needed a second opinion.

[forgotme]

Thank you

[forgotme]

Thank you.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I too think You should move on.

Porn can be (often is) an addiction.  I would suggest that any time one allows His porn 'use' to interfere in with His relationship(s) then that is a MAJOR Red Flag - that it is indeed an addiction. (it's a big clue that He uses porn when You are home - another big clue is an inability to have an erection with You.  It's like a lot of other addictions in that 'tolerance' rises, so it takes more and more exposure to 'relieve' HimSelf.  Men who are addicted to porn aren't getting the 'happiness' or 'satisfaction' that They are so desperately seeking.....that's why they desperately keep seeking it - Even when Their GirlFriends are at home wondering "why doesn't He want to be with me"?  Porn addiction is really a serious problem that is often not considered a problem 'cuz we're so conditioned to thinking it's okay for men to like porn - and it is okay, until they desensitize themselves to the point it becomes an addiction.  Addiction means one can never get enough - that's why alcoholics keep getting drunk and druggies keep getting their fixes - until if and when they go into recovery - it's basically the same thing as far as seratonin and dopamine (the pleasure centers) levels in the brain are concerned.  And like drugs and alcohol a porn addict needs to abstain in order to recover.

That being said, You should also seriously consider if You want to be with someone that causes You to feel You need to retaliate ANY thing in ANY way.  That is not a 'healthy' way to feel and You would not feel that way if this were an issue that You could discuss with a mutual resolution that would be acceptable to Both of You - and that's not happening.  It will NOT resolve Your issues with Him for You to " go cheat or go see strippers"

GoodLuck

[Londres70]

BTW:  Porn in excess is maladaptive and is a poor way to cope with a BORING lifestyle/daily routine.

[Londres70]

If you are doing things in retaliation, e.g.  putting porn on your phone for him to see, then I will say it is time to leave.  As you see this retaliation didn't and isn't going to work.  Totally useless.  He is a porn addict and retaliation won't cut it.  He needs professional help IF he thinks this is a problem.  Sounds like he doesn't think this is a problem.

There is NO simple solution here other than you leaving which I recommend you do.  Even if he sought professional help that doesn't mean he will stop this.

Staying isn't going to change him, retaliation isn't going to change him and ultimatums NEVER work.

"I know I'm not crazy! right?"...........Yeah, if you stay and put up this any longer.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also. Sometimes people do things to distract them from their boring routine life style. If you cant take it anymore then be a take charge person and have a short sit down talk with him and give him an ultimatum.

[forgotme]

I agree with most of what you said . I don't think what I did was childish , I just wanted him to feel what I feel when I see that stuff on his phone. Like the saying I can show you better than I can tell you. I've spoke to him and nothing. But back to what you said there is nothing that I can do because after all that he still hasn't stopped. I am at the end of this rope and ready to let go. I see you give a lot of advice.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, let me just say that putting porn on your phone to show him how it feels wasn't the best way to handle things, hon.  That's playing games and I don't want to use the word immature but can't think of another one that fits better.  :>)  Don't do stuff like that.  Handle problems like a grown up.  

So, to me, you sound very unhappy and recognizing that there is a major problem that you may not be able to ever overcome.  If he has an issue with porn--  this very well could be psychological.  People use porn like any other substance.  The brain begins to react to it as it would a drug.  That's how sex and porn addiction happen.  He may have underlying depression and the porn is his drug of choice.  And then that depresses him that he 'used' it again and then he is more depressed and so the cycle goes.

Unless he is willing to get help for that type of situation, there is nothing you can do.  

On the surface level, you are focusing on the pictures and your sex life.  This is deeper than that.  He has an issue.  

I agree that it is perhaps time to move on.  Then take some time to be alone without a man in your life to think about how you got in this situation.  How could you have handled things differently earlier on?  What red flags did  you ignore?  Where could you have communicated better and set a more clear boundary and stick to it (leaving when you felt he was not living up to your expectations or within the appropriate boundaries YOU could tolerate)?  This is a really important step, the soul searching.  Because you don't want to find yourself in this situation again.  

Not all men are bad and not all men like porn.  I've been married a very long time and porn has never been an issue or something my husband has been interested in.  So, don't believe it is 'these' men or all men.  It really is not.  You just picked poorly last time around.

I wish you luck.  Take some time for you and think about this.  good luck