My HIV Obsession Ruining My Relationship! Help!!

[court_renee]

Hi, everyone I am in desperate need of some help! I have a majord obsession w HIV that I have recently had to seek therapy about it. The issue is I constantly think my bf has HIV&is out to infect me...yes call me crazy, but I can't get that thought out my head. He has been tested in May for all stds&hiv and I have seen his results w my own eyes all negative. However, I still think he has HIV&purposely is trying to kill me.

He thinks I'm now a little crazy bc I have been tested for HIV like 3-4 times alone this year. My doctors and even the nurses at the clinics r starting to think I'm crazy and paranoid. I'm not crazy, but I cant control these thoughts. Everytime after we have sex I always get scared and want to run right to the clinic&get tested again. I feel like my life is being ran by this OCD I have w HIV!

I'm starting to go crazy to the point where I'm constantly checking my body&my bf body to make sure I don't see sores or spots. Its getting crazy. He has told me that I'm now starting to stress him out. I asked him if he can go get tested again, but he said for what...he has only been w me and me only for the last year and before me he was w no one for like 5months.

I just need some advice on how to break this hell I'm living in. I was contemplating going to get tested again today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Help me so I don't ruin my relationship!

[el_em_en_oh]

This was touched on by imanaddict in her above posted reply, but I'm thinking it deserves a closer look...

Do you have reason to believe your boyfriend is cheating on you?

It seems to me that there may be some trust issues at hand here. I'm not one to jump to the "go and get some therapy, you're a head-case" conclusion, so I'm just tossing that out there.

To trust or not to trust... THAT'S the question.

[specialmom]

Thanks for posting CA25 to let us know that things CAN change and how much better it feels.  Have a great and peaceful day!

[CA25]

I use to be like this.....lol.....Its funny.reading knowing that I use to be like this....but yea its very scary at first!
I got tested for hiv with my ex and it was neg... that was not good enough.. I tested like 6 times that year of 05 and than twice in 06... I was a mess
than now I have a new bf... the thought of hiv ran through my mind constantly since he had this cough that never went away... I was like why is he coughing all the time.... He must have hiv.. so I got him test... it was neg.. I got tested it was neg....now I am not worried anymore... just calm down and pray!!! God bless you!!!'

[court_renee]

Yea, I think meds r my next best thing! I am scared, but anything beats the hell I'm going through in my head. I'm making an appt w my therapist tm who will then refer me to a psychiatrist. Hope this works.

[specialmom]

Yes, absolutely.  Obsessive thought is very difficult to live with and the anxiety can eat away at you.  Obviously you now know how it can interfere and derail your life.

Medication for obsessive compulsive disorder which falls under the anxiety umbrella will help tremendously.  When the chemicals are off a bit in our brain, they need to be rebalanced.  That is what medication does.  Today's medications are so much better tolerated than years ago.  A psychiatrist is like any other doctor----------- don't be afraid to see one.  

I wish you the best in overcoming this.  good luck

[court_renee]

@RockRose yea my therapist says its only so much she can do&wants me to see a psychatrist so I can get on meds. She herself said she has never seen anything like my case.

@imanaddict yes, I believe my bf, but I didn't start thinking this way until June when we had unprotected sex for the first time ever. After that I had got BV, tonsils swollen w white spots, and even had a low grade fever. Of course I panicaed and googled everything&what comes up is stuff on HIV! I ended up having a panic attack. All the docs&nurses I went to say those things r unrelated to HIV and can happen anytime. I just couldn't seperate them in my head. I have no reasons to believe he cheated at all. So, all my thoughts r irrational, but I can't control them

[imanaddict]

I agree with RockRose. This is has become an obsession. While it's always a good idea to be on top of staying healthy, you have taken it to a whole other level and are jeopardizing your relationship because of it.

Do you believe your boyfriend that you are the only one he has been with, or has he given you reason to believe otherwise?

[RockRose]

Court,  I think you need to see a psychiatrist.   An actual doctor of psychiatry that can provide medications if need by.  

What you are saying sounds like mental illness,    beyond the ability of a behavioral therapist to help with,  and certainly beyond the scope of what the nurses/doctors at an STD clinic can help you with.