Aa
How Can I Get This out of my Mind
I sex with a guy several times. I think he knew that I had self-esteem issues by things I have said around and to him. One day he got mad with me and told me that I was ugly and not on his level. I was and still am very upset by this. His words keep playing in my mind. Of course, we are not having sex anymore, but I cannot let his words go. It has affected the way I look at myself. I always looked at myself as a nice-looking woman. I have never been called ugly before. I do not consider myself ugly. I am not a model, but I am an okay-looking woman. I know this might be petty and many may say, "get over it" but the fact that he slept with me and thought that I was ugly really bothers me. I am trying to get myself back on track with self image, but his words has run deep inside of me and now I think that most men who see me thinks I am ugly. Any advice is welcome. Thanks in advance
As specialmom said there are a lot of jerks out there. There's a percentage of people that would be cruel, and a bigger percentage that would not ever even think such thoughts about another of God's creations. I'm also wondering if this idiot may have been drinking. I've seen sober and those under the influence that resort to such talk. Both are sick individuals , the sober ones are looking for a victim , and those under the influence are sitting in a web waiting for a fly. And it never has anything to do with their victim, it is always about something that has gone wrong for them, and it's just spills over onto those that are unfortunate to get close to them.
This man was right about him being on another level than you. He is far far beneath you and 99.9% of the population who know how to act with dignity.
Well, I'm really glad to hear that you are going to talk to a therapist, life is just too short to hang around people that are overly controlling, and if this has been the case since childhood, of course you would benefit greatly by talking to a therapist that can help you to make right what's wrong in your life. There's just far too much of the good life , far too much happiness available for you. not to go forward from here, and work on a lifestyle that keeps to safe and confident. So, if this jerk has caused a shift for you that brings you to a better life, then forgive him for being sick, and thank him for the opportunities that will become available for you, with some introspection, to soar in this life. .
This man was right about him being on another level than you. He is far far beneath you and 99.9% of the population who know how to act with dignity.
Well, I'm really glad to hear that you are going to talk to a therapist, life is just too short to hang around people that are overly controlling, and if this has been the case since childhood, of course you would benefit greatly by talking to a therapist that can help you to make right what's wrong in your life. There's just far too much of the good life , far too much happiness available for you. not to go forward from here, and work on a lifestyle that keeps to safe and confident. So, if this jerk has caused a shift for you that brings you to a better life, then forgive him for being sick, and thank him for the opportunities that will become available for you, with some introspection, to soar in this life. .
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, you can do it! I think treatment for depression is your first step to feeling better and a good talk therapist to discuss what is going on is essential. Wishing you all the best. peace
I agree. I am around many controlling people. I agree with you and specialmom. I had sex with him too quickly and did not make him work for it. That is my problem. However, I will take you guys advice and seek help. I want to be better and more confident. It hurt me more, because I had sex with him. Thanks for responding. I believe I will overcome all of my demons.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there, after reading the other posts you've written at med help--- I'm going to strongly encourage you to see a doctor and/or a psychologist. I think that will help tremendously. It's hard to see things accurately under the cloud of depression whether it is a true view of ourselves or discerning when a guy is a jerk or not. A psychologist that does talk therapy along with a doctor prescribing medication if needed is so wonderful to overcome depression/anxiety and you can get true professional help for your self esteem issues. I'm pleased you reached out on the internet but so encourage you to get real help with professionals in your area. Do you have insurance to cover that? A good place to start is your primary care doctor and they can refer you. In today's world, they often can treat depression as it is a very common mental health issue. Yes, you are not alone by any means. And then a referral to a therapist/psychologist.
Men like you describe prey on women such as yourself. It's a tale as old as time when a woman doesn't feel good about herself, it's a beacon for being taken advantage of. I don't know if that is what is going on but just be cautious until you've worked on the mental health issues. So, the answer is to get strong on the inside. good luck
Men like you describe prey on women such as yourself. It's a tale as old as time when a woman doesn't feel good about herself, it's a beacon for being taken advantage of. I don't know if that is what is going on but just be cautious until you've worked on the mental health issues. So, the answer is to get strong on the inside. good luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome to the forum. Well, for me, it's as simple as being careful who we give our body away to. Sounds like you two weren't 'in love' as you start by saying this was a guy you had sex with.
I encourage you to put thought into relationships and only have sex with people after finding out if they are a keeper or not.
And don't' let words hurt you so much. In life, we need a thick skin. I think he hit a nerve because you after we have sex, we like to believe a man will be ours forever as they are so mesmerized by it but in truth, there are men and women that use others for sex and are unkind to them afterwards.
So, we learn from our mistakes. It always stings when we learn the hard way but if you are more thoughtful about who you have sex with, it helps cut down on the jerks that come into your life. peace and luck to you
I encourage you to put thought into relationships and only have sex with people after finding out if they are a keeper or not.
And don't' let words hurt you so much. In life, we need a thick skin. I think he hit a nerve because you after we have sex, we like to believe a man will be ours forever as they are so mesmerized by it but in truth, there are men and women that use others for sex and are unkind to them afterwards.
So, we learn from our mistakes. It always stings when we learn the hard way but if you are more thoughtful about who you have sex with, it helps cut down on the jerks that come into your life. peace and luck to you
Now, do you really want to define your beauty, that God has given to you, and let some psychopath, sociopath, narcissist define you honey? There is much to read, and more to see on Youtube about bullying, I'm so sorry that you ever have had to experience bullying and abuse in this form, As you've never been told you were "ugly" before ,i'm sure that you're quite attractive, but please, you must do the work, the reading and the therapy to not allow this one sick individual to define you. Don't let a bully win. Reset your button, and be careful that all men show their true blue nature before you show them any loving.
And don't go feeling guilty about that, just take it as a lesson learned, that you cannot always judge a book by it's cover, and make men show themselves to you in a way that you know you can trust them.
Use this experience to make yourself stronger, and maybe even be there for someone who is being bullied or abused now that you have some experience with it.
Peace be with you Tam. You are a beautiful girl, that got mixed up with a bad guy. That's all it was. It'll be okay now, you'll be more careful. and you'll get over this brush with evil. I promise you.
And don't go feeling guilty about that, just take it as a lesson learned, that you cannot always judge a book by it's cover, and make men show themselves to you in a way that you know you can trust them.
Use this experience to make yourself stronger, and maybe even be there for someone who is being bullied or abused now that you have some experience with it.
Peace be with you Tam. You are a beautiful girl, that got mixed up with a bad guy. That's all it was. It'll be okay now, you'll be more careful. and you'll get over this brush with evil. I promise you.
I want you to consider something else. Unhealthy Narcissism. See how much of this rings true with your experience with this A hole.
Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:[8]
Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.
Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:[8]
Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.
Honey, there are a lot sites that you can go to that talk about bullies and bullying
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Being-Called-Ugly
Here's a bit of this one......
stay strong and show others like you how to stand up to crass insults. When you ignore the bullies and don't take it personally (after all, keep reminding yourself: Who are they to judge?), you are showing others that you are a strong person. Others will look up to you when you stand up for yourself and in doing this, others will see you as inspiration and will admire your strength. You will be able to influence so many more people if you display your strength, because your resilience, determination and ability to overcome the rudeness of others will be some of your greatest attributes. Showing others that you don't take rude comments and insults personally will give them hope to do the very same. Moreover, it may help to make you feel so much better about yourself knowing you made a difference in someone's life – an achievement to cherish.
Sometimes being strong can be hard because you can't help but thinking about that comment every time you look in the mirror or see differences in how your peers look. Ignoring these hurtful comments is certainly not that easy to do, especially if you start asking yourself "What if they were right?". To stay strong and not take on board what the bully says personally, try these tips:
Look in the mirror and list the beautiful things about yourself quietly in your head.
Laugh at the bully every time you look at the mirror. Don't even take the insult personally. Think: "Who were they to judge me? Look at them now, they left with nothing, but I was a good person to turn them around without hurting them. After all, they have flaws too, but I am not willing to stoop so low as to point them out."
Smile at each achievement you have, and review them (like writing a great article on wikiHow, getting 100 percent on a test, improving your grades, meeting a tough deadline, keeping to your diet, etc.).
Think positively for everything you encounter in life. Take the time to appreciate all the beauty around you. Look in the mirror and say " I am beautiful. I don't care what anyone says, because I believe in myself".
Remember the benefits: If you show that you are a strong person, then everyone around you will realise, and you can reap the benefits. You will be a role model and many people will look up to you, which is an ultimate achievement.
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Being-Called-Ugly
Here's a bit of this one......
stay strong and show others like you how to stand up to crass insults. When you ignore the bullies and don't take it personally (after all, keep reminding yourself: Who are they to judge?), you are showing others that you are a strong person. Others will look up to you when you stand up for yourself and in doing this, others will see you as inspiration and will admire your strength. You will be able to influence so many more people if you display your strength, because your resilience, determination and ability to overcome the rudeness of others will be some of your greatest attributes. Showing others that you don't take rude comments and insults personally will give them hope to do the very same. Moreover, it may help to make you feel so much better about yourself knowing you made a difference in someone's life – an achievement to cherish.
Sometimes being strong can be hard because you can't help but thinking about that comment every time you look in the mirror or see differences in how your peers look. Ignoring these hurtful comments is certainly not that easy to do, especially if you start asking yourself "What if they were right?". To stay strong and not take on board what the bully says personally, try these tips:
Look in the mirror and list the beautiful things about yourself quietly in your head.
Laugh at the bully every time you look at the mirror. Don't even take the insult personally. Think: "Who were they to judge me? Look at them now, they left with nothing, but I was a good person to turn them around without hurting them. After all, they have flaws too, but I am not willing to stoop so low as to point them out."
Smile at each achievement you have, and review them (like writing a great article on wikiHow, getting 100 percent on a test, improving your grades, meeting a tough deadline, keeping to your diet, etc.).
Think positively for everything you encounter in life. Take the time to appreciate all the beauty around you. Look in the mirror and say " I am beautiful. I don't care what anyone says, because I believe in myself".
Remember the benefits: If you show that you are a strong person, then everyone around you will realise, and you can reap the benefits. You will be a role model and many people will look up to you, which is an ultimate achievement.
Break the exclusivity of information input.
Avoid getting all of your information from just one group or one source. (Any one source. Don't trust anybody that much.)
Avoid getting all of your information from just one group or one source. (Any one source. Don't trust anybody that much.)
Watch out for other people condemning you.
People who want to control you will try to make you feel stupid, inferior, flawed, and mentally incompetent for disagreeing with them.
As mentioned above, self condemnation and self-criticism are a big part of the brain-washing and indoctrination process, so those who would like to control you would also like to get you criticizing yourself and being down on yourself. And Prof. Margaret Thaler Singer added that inducing feelings of powerlessness, covert fear, guilt, and dependency in the victims was also a part of the brainwashing process.
So don't let them make you believe that you are flawed and inferior. When someone is reading your beads and listing your faults, it almost always means that they want to control you — to change your behavior to something that they want.
Also watch out for other people trying to clip your wings, and keep you from being your whole self.
People who want to control you will try to make you feel stupid, inferior, flawed, and mentally incompetent for disagreeing with them.
As mentioned above, self condemnation and self-criticism are a big part of the brain-washing and indoctrination process, so those who would like to control you would also like to get you criticizing yourself and being down on yourself. And Prof. Margaret Thaler Singer added that inducing feelings of powerlessness, covert fear, guilt, and dependency in the victims was also a part of the brainwashing process.
So don't let them make you believe that you are flawed and inferior. When someone is reading your beads and listing your faults, it almost always means that they want to control you — to change your behavior to something that they want.
Also watch out for other people trying to clip your wings, and keep you from being your whole self.
Here's a bit about deprogramming yourself......
Don't condemn yourself. Self condemnation and self-criticism are part of the brain-washing and indoctrination process, and they are counter-productive when it comes to deprogramming. If you find that you have been programmed to believe some goofy idea, then just recognize that it is an irrational, illogical, goofy idea, and reject it, but do not condemn yourself for having believed it for a while.
It's just like, if, while exploring the Wild West, you find that you have an arrow stuck in your back, pull it out.
Don't wallow in self-contempt and guilt, condemning yourself for having stupidly gotten an arrow stuck in your back.
Don't imagine that you are somehow all ****** up for having gotten stuck with an arrow.
Don't imagine that finding an arrow stuck in your back proves that you are somehow inferior.
Just pull the arrow out and then get on with your life.
Now that doesn't mean that you shouldn't examine your behavior, and change it if you are doing something wrong. But be wary of excessive fault-finding and self-criticism.
Don't condemn yourself. Self condemnation and self-criticism are part of the brain-washing and indoctrination process, and they are counter-productive when it comes to deprogramming. If you find that you have been programmed to believe some goofy idea, then just recognize that it is an irrational, illogical, goofy idea, and reject it, but do not condemn yourself for having believed it for a while.
It's just like, if, while exploring the Wild West, you find that you have an arrow stuck in your back, pull it out.
Don't wallow in self-contempt and guilt, condemning yourself for having stupidly gotten an arrow stuck in your back.
Don't imagine that you are somehow all ****** up for having gotten stuck with an arrow.
Don't imagine that finding an arrow stuck in your back proves that you are somehow inferior.
Just pull the arrow out and then get on with your life.
Now that doesn't mean that you shouldn't examine your behavior, and change it if you are doing something wrong. But be wary of excessive fault-finding and self-criticism.
So this is a psychopath and you need to be deprogrammed. You have touched shoulders with someone that is trying to find another to drink his Koolaid. Really, you should have posted this in the abuse forum. THIS IS PLAIN OLD FASHIONED ABUSE. Believe it or not, women from all walks of life deal with this sort of abuse, nothing that's even close to the truth, for years. He was testing you, as a victim, to see what he could get away with in the future. Or he's practicing being a psychopath. NONE OF THIS SHOULD DEFINE YOU. Please ,in the future, beware getting into bed too quickly for "just sex". Make sure that you get to know the man, and feel that he is sweet, and genuine, and caring and loving. Make him work for your love, and don't give it away too quickly. I wish i could give you a big hug honey. I'm so sorry that you had to see the ugly side of life. You are exactly as you thought you were before you met this jerk. Say it in the mirror. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BEFORE YOU MET THIS PSYCHOPATH. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BEFORE YOU MET THIS PSYCHOPATH.
World English Dictionary
psychopath (ˈsaɪkəʊˌpæθ)
— n
Also called: sociopath a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts
Word Origin & History
deprogram
"release from cult brainwashing," 1973, from de- + program (v.).
World English Dictionary
psychopath (ˈsaɪkəʊˌpæθ)
— n
Also called: sociopath a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts
Word Origin & History
deprogram
"release from cult brainwashing," 1973, from de- + program (v.).
OMG How God Awful is this? This is one sick puppy, and it seems obvious to me that he feels a lof of ugliness in his life, probably a very "ugly" childhood, that has caused him to be so evil really. This is verbal abuse, plain and simple. My first husband beat me, and that made me feel very ugly for a very long time. His words and deeds have no meaning in the real world. He was a nasty, evil, little man who was the type of person to feel better when standing upon another's shoulders, period. nothing more nothing less. I don't know exactly what happened to him , in his life to bring forth such vile contemptible behavior, and it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. Suffice it to say, that something vile happened to him in his life, or he felt or was made to feel inadequate and was projecting that onto me. It's so simple really, the reality of seeing what's behind the burn. And believe me, in time you'll see what i'm saying
What you must do, what you need to do, is to find a way so that the sadness and the ugliness in the world, does not define you. I'm sure you are perfectly lovely, and you will find a good man who would never ever think such a thing of you or anyone else. A good man who has been brought up well. is what you need. Please please don't think that all men are like that. You found yourself an abuser, a misogynist, a man who hates women, who does not hold them up , but crushes them. If you had of stayed you may have felt the full brunt of what misogyny means, and it wold have turned into physical abuse. You've gotten a taste of a sick mind, and i'm so sorry that you are letting his words define you. You must talk to a professional about this. I hope you get a lot of replies from women that have been abused. It has absolutely nothing to do with a victim, when a man abuses them the first time, or second. It only impacts who you are, or if you have problems if you keep allowing this to happen, and i sure hope when he said these vile untruths, that you left him immediately. Staying, would cause you more problems than you would have by leaving immediately. What did you do, where were you when he said this?
What you must do, what you need to do, is to find a way so that the sadness and the ugliness in the world, does not define you. I'm sure you are perfectly lovely, and you will find a good man who would never ever think such a thing of you or anyone else. A good man who has been brought up well. is what you need. Please please don't think that all men are like that. You found yourself an abuser, a misogynist, a man who hates women, who does not hold them up , but crushes them. If you had of stayed you may have felt the full brunt of what misogyny means, and it wold have turned into physical abuse. You've gotten a taste of a sick mind, and i'm so sorry that you are letting his words define you. You must talk to a professional about this. I hope you get a lot of replies from women that have been abused. It has absolutely nothing to do with a victim, when a man abuses them the first time, or second. It only impacts who you are, or if you have problems if you keep allowing this to happen, and i sure hope when he said these vile untruths, that you left him immediately. Staying, would cause you more problems than you would have by leaving immediately. What did you do, where were you when he said this?
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