Boyfriend not sure how he feels any more?

[Londoner7998]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We're in our late twenties and he's my third long-term relationship, but I'm his first. We were due to move in together next month and both of us seemed really excited about it. Overall we do a lot of things together - travel, do fun experiences, see family and friends together and have a generally very supportive and positive relationship.

Just under a month ago he told me that he wanted some space because he wasn't sure about how he felt about me any more. We took a couple of weeks (which I found very difficult) apart and didn't speak.

When we met back up again he told me he'd been deliberating whether to end the relationship or not and still couldn't make his mind up. He says he doesn't know or understand how he feels but he has a "knot" in his stomach about our relationship. He just doesn't feel the same about me as he used to. We talked it through and came to some conclusions: he felt like he'd lost himself a bit because we were spending such a large amount of time together and wanted some more time for him and to see his friends etc. He also felt pressure to be emotionally supporting me and when we'd argue (like any other couples argue - nothing big or dramatic) he felt he had to let things go to prevent me from being upset, when he didn't feel as if he'd done anything wrong.

He decided he wanted to see if we could work things out because he can see us having a future together - if we could make positive changes. I agreed with him that if he's unhappy we needed to make changes and I fully support him in that - both of us agreed what changes each of us could make. I also decided in this time that I needed to start doing more things for me and make sure that my happiness lies within me and not with him.

We had an amazing week after that, we saw each other a few times and had fun and he messaged me all the time and was really excited to speak it seemed like. However, after that week he had a day with family and suddenly there was radio silence from him. When he did get back in touch he was really 'off' with me. So we met up that evening and had another conversation.

This conversation was much more raw and a little angry where he told me he didn't think I understood how much he'd given to me and how vulnerable he'd been with me and I'd been asking for too much. I listened and understood his point of view and we openly discussed whether breaking up was the right option. He decided (second time) he definitely didn't want that so back on track we go.

Again, another lovely week with regular contact from him (note: since all this started I've let him take the reins on contacting me for the most part) and some positive times. End of the week and, guess what, he's 'off' with me again. Cue third conversation about it.

In this third conversation he said he can't get rid of the knot in his stomach and wants it to go away but doesn't know how. Again we openly and at length discussed breaking up but he said he can't face me not being in his life, he doesn't want to hurt me, it would hurt him, he would let people down etc etc. I told him that I can't live in this limbo any more, it's eroding my self-confidence and he needed to decide one way or another. He decided again we should stay together.

Throughout this I've been supportive and empathetic with him and I am willing to change behaviours that were making him unhappy, as they are reasonable requests, especially as he has also said he will make changes - I wouldn't have it one way. I've also said multiple times that if he ends it I will walk away and accept his decision, I won't argue or beg, even though it's not what I want. I know that I would get through the heartbreak, as would he, and if he wants to end it with me then that's best for everyone. I know not to stick in a loveless relationship. I deserve more.

However, the one thing I refuse to do is walk away myself. I feel like he's pushing my away in the hope that I will end it and he doesn't have to. But I love him, I think he's got himself into an absolute panic and I think we could have a very strong future together, despite his current behaviour which is selfish and hurtful. So I refuse to be the person to end it on his behalf.

So my question is this - how do I get him to commit to a decision?

It's his first relationship and I don't think he understands that the "butterflies" you feel in the very beginning don't stick around and you have to work hard in a relationship once you're past the honeymoon period. I think if he did make the choice to be with me and could stick to it then he could get rid of this uncertainty he feels. On the other side he'd definitely get rid of the uncertainty if he ended it.

I'm not an idiot and I'm prepared for lots of answers to say "you deserve better" and "walk away" but that's a decision I just won't make because I don't think it's right. If I didn't think there was a chance then I wouldn't be sharing this. We're also still very intimate etc so it's not as if we'd shifted into a friendship or have drifted away.

Another thing to note is that he has been unhappy at work for a very long time and feels like he's stuck in a hole that he can't get out of. He's also not happy with his living situation. So right now he is in an absolute rut in his life and I'm no longer enough to make up for those things. I feel like he's sabotaging our relationship because he's not happy with his life right now - he is a bit of a brooder.

This limbo situation where he continually contemplates breaking up with me is very damaging and draining all round - so how do I get him to end the cycle, one way or another?

The one option I've taken off the table is ending the relationship myself as I don't think that works for me in terms of getting closure - I don't want to do something that I feel I'd regret and want to take back - it would torture me.

My ideal scenario is getting him to commit to trying to make it work with me, for a period of time, and then re-evaluating his feelings because he's so confused and lost right now. But I also can't force him to do this.

Please help - I am lost.

[specialmom]

Ah, I'm sorry.  You've invested so much into this and have had such high hopes.  This is from the bottom of my heart.  I would NOT consider a long term relationship with someone who had so much angst over whether I was right for them or not.  My sister told me a long time ago to make sure you marry someone who absolutely adores you.  Because we get a lot less cute, a lot more annoying, and things aren't as much fun when we are in it for the long haul.  Trying to change, to please him, to make it right for HIM is hurting YOU.  We all have room to grow within ourselves and our relationships. We should all evolve.  But the balance of this relationship is not equal.  You walk on egg shells for fear he'll officially end it.  

This will, unfortunately, most likely not be a happy ending.  And I want YOU to have a man that has no doubt that he thinks you are awesome.  That sees your flaws and still just adores you.  AS YOU ARE.  (any self improvement is a bonus.  :>))  

If you can't force yourself to take that step of letting this go, I'd consider couples therapy.  But that won't be easy.  He's in limbo and not sure.  He's not a bad guy for that but you deserve better.  

STart over and find someone that is on the same page as you.  Good luck hon and hugs

[Londoner7998]

Thank you for this. I think I always knew the answer. I'm going to end it. We have no ties and I'm young and I will make it through the heartbreak. How sad to find someone you love with all of your heart just to have to let them go.