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Why does my boyfriend act so different when his daughter is around?
I've been with my BF for nearly 2 years now. I'm 41, no children and he's 42 with 1 daughter. She's 11 and in my opinion, spoiled. She lives with her mother most of the time and she let's the kid constantly play video games, takes her out all the time, the kid refuses to have any clothes that are on sale or clearance and the mother complains that my BF doesn't do enough for them. He pays for food, clothing and full health benefits. Everytime he calls his daughter, she acts aloof and bothered. She only calls him when she wants him to buy her something and 90% of the time, he gives in. This is a very frugal man, btw. Our car is paid for and 12 years old (runs great, no complaints), he only buys things on sale, (he actually lies to his daughter and tells her the clothes he buys her wasn't on sale) and shops 2nd hand stores for deals on items. We're very on the same page about issues, food, politics. It a wonderful intellectual relationship. He isn't very affectionate, which I understand, not every relationship is perfect. There is compromise. However when his daughter comes to visit, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to stay, he acts so different. His affection level drops to nothing, he doesn't even sleep with me. I believe I'm good to his kid, I make meals, talk with her, play games and it feels like 65% of the time she's okay. Then if she doesn't get what she wants, she cries and complains, it's over the top and her father gives in. She broke her ipod and the mother demanded he buy her a new one. Mother and daughter thought this was a perfectly normal demand. Anyway, we have a four bedroom house and a guest house. My room is the master bedroom while my BF has his mancave over in the guest house. It's wonderful that I have my own space, I don't need to be around him 24/7. We rent out two of the rooms and there is one vacant. Normally he sleeps in my room but when she's here, they both sleep in the guest house. The first time she visited after I had moved in I was shocked to find out she demanded to sleep in his bed and he allowed it. He had (at that time), a twin bed in the guest house and both of them slept on it. It was normal for them. I told him how odd this was and that he's raising her to be ultra clingy. We're going on year 2 and even now she's sleeping back there with him, although he put in another bed for her. I asked her why she has to sleep with her father like that and she replied, "Cause I don't feel safe. I sleep with mommy at home." Again....this shocked me. I told my BF I really think she needs to be in her own room, this sleeping in the same room ordeal is not normal. He tells me it's only for a week and to calm down. I don't know what to do or how to approach him about this. I'm blunt, I don't yell and if I'm upset, I'll walk away and express myself when I'm calmer. I'm thinking of ending the relationship over this and a few other issues. I do love and care for him but this whole daddy-daughter thing is odd to me. I understand it's his daughter, I'm not jealous about that but the way he and his ex are raising her, she's going to end up never leaving home and leeching off him. I'm really frustrated. I hope I'm not overreacting! Is this normal for a kid to act like this? Is her attachment bordering on unhealthy?
Best Answer
Oh, my take on the "why he isn't so affectionate when his daughter is around" is perhaps he doesn't want the daughter reporting info back to her mother about you two
OR
Like he stated; he just doesn't want to make the child feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, then why is he even involved in a so-called romantic relationship?
Or
He is using the child's presence as an excuse not to be affectionate at all with you.
You stated he isn't very affectionate to begin with, so I would consider that a red flag. You both don't even share a room or a bed on a daily basis and that's not a good thing. He's got his area and you've got yours..........this is no romantic relationship.
OR
Like he stated; he just doesn't want to make the child feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, then why is he even involved in a so-called romantic relationship?
Or
He is using the child's presence as an excuse not to be affectionate at all with you.
You stated he isn't very affectionate to begin with, so I would consider that a red flag. You both don't even share a room or a bed on a daily basis and that's not a good thing. He's got his area and you've got yours..........this is no romantic relationship.
BTW: It is possible to find love again in your 40's; I did and now he is my husband. I am not sure if you afraid you won't love again because of your age, so that's why I am saying this to you. You don't need to settle for this nonsense.
Ok, now I am getting the full picture.
It's like he never really left the life with his ex in a sense. I can understand that he still must deal with the ex because of his daughter, but going out of his way and doing things for the ex still that have nothing to do with his daughter is really ridiculous.
"I think I'm just waking up and realsing this isn't healthy for me. I guess its just difficult to break away from someone you love.".........You may love him, but as you say this isn't healthy for you. This man is still too attached to this ex and then you have all these other issues. Love YOU more.
I dated a man like this........too attached and still involved with exs and after some time I "woke up" and got out. I recommend you do the same.
You deserve to be with someone:
Who compliments who you are.
Who validates you.
and
Whose situation isn't so complicated.
It's like he never really left the life with his ex in a sense. I can understand that he still must deal with the ex because of his daughter, but going out of his way and doing things for the ex still that have nothing to do with his daughter is really ridiculous.
"I think I'm just waking up and realsing this isn't healthy for me. I guess its just difficult to break away from someone you love.".........You may love him, but as you say this isn't healthy for you. This man is still too attached to this ex and then you have all these other issues. Love YOU more.
I dated a man like this........too attached and still involved with exs and after some time I "woke up" and got out. I recommend you do the same.
You deserve to be with someone:
Who compliments who you are.
Who validates you.
and
Whose situation isn't so complicated.
You really should leave this situation - there are too many troubling things for You.
These things that are bothering You NOW will NOT become more tolerable with time - rather, these things will irritate You more in time - and that will NOT make for a peaceful/ happy/joyful union.
Yes, breaking up is difficult - but living with these things You ALREADY dislike will be harder.
These things that are bothering You NOW will NOT become more tolerable with time - rather, these things will irritate You more in time - and that will NOT make for a peaceful/ happy/joyful union.
Yes, breaking up is difficult - but living with these things You ALREADY dislike will be harder.
I've been with a few other men who have had children and it was nothing like this. I've had 3 other relationships with men who had children and the dynamic was normal. The most positive of those relationships was a guy who had three kids, he was a great dad. I never saw any of them, however, bend to the will of an 11 year old. and their ex so willfully. And yes they were around the same age as my bf's daughter. They had chores, limits and when they visited ( with every of those relationships), the kids slept in their own rooms. I encouraged them to go to the movies, go camping, go bike riding, ect without me. I wanted them to have their time with their fathers. Doing a complete 180 when a kid is around raises flags for me. Not setting limitations or saying no to a child doesn't seem right either. I believe it's just over. I feel like he's still forever in a relationship with his ex. He looks after, helps her 2 other grown kids that aren't his, nor did he raise. As for the other issues, he helped gave his ex a credit card to get a boob job while she was married to another man. I wasn't with him at the time, so I didn't care. However 6 months ago she begged him to pay off the remaining 4 thousand so she could focus on buying a condo.....and he did it. Then she decided not to move. She complains that she always needs more money for their kid but she constantly goes out to eat, buys cars she can't afford, spends money on materialistic things and when she goes broke, she tells him he's not a good father and needs to pay up. He does so much for that little girl and his ex a parasite. He just keeps feeding into it and tells me if he doesn't do everything his ex says, if she isn't happy, she'll go after him for child support. I even showed him what he would be paying if she did that and it comes out to 300 less then he's doing now. I think I'm just done with this. If he wants to baby his child and do everything his ex wants then okay.
It's not cold, I very well aware of that. That's his daughter, she needs to come first. I simply don't understand ( and I've asked him so many times) why he can't be affectionate with me while she's around. We're not huge on affection, no constant kissing, holding hands, nothing like that. He says that he doesn't want to "shove it in her face" but we rarely even hug so I don't understand what would be shoved in her face? Right now ( and I'm trying to have an open mind), he is helping his ex's son move. This isn't his biological son. He didn't raise him. His ex called and told him to help HER son move and my bf does it. He tells me to not have expectations, but his ex calls and tells him to do things and he does it. She expects he will always help her family and he does. I think I'm just waking up and realsing this isn't healthy for me. I guess its just difficult to break away from someone you love.
It's pretty clear you're not the type to want to share your bf with any kids he may have so you're going to need to stop dating guys who have kids. Don't get into a relationship with a dad and expect him to change his existing family dynamic for you. Kids will (or at least should) come first above any girlfriend who comes along.
So, you'll either need to accept the fact that you'll always be #2 or else find a guy with no kids to date. It's wrong to expect an established family to change for a newbie who may or may not be around in 5-10 years and beyond. I know that's a cold way of looking at it but it's how it is.
So, you'll either need to accept the fact that you'll always be #2 or else find a guy with no kids to date. It's wrong to expect an established family to change for a newbie who may or may not be around in 5-10 years and beyond. I know that's a cold way of looking at it but it's how it is.
What's the "few other issues?"
You don't sleep in the same bed or in the same bedroom as your bf, but you find it strange that his 11 year old daughter wants to sleep in the same bed as her father?
I don't see it strange that she wants to sleep in her father's bed or that she is going to grow up to be "clingy." She is ONLY 11. It's not like she is 22 and wants to sleep in the same bed with her father. I will say ideally she should be encouraged to sleep in her own bed, but if dad is ok with this then that's his prerogative. This child has been through a lot with her parents' divorce, etc.
You may not agree with your bf's or his ex's parenting style, but she is THEIR child. That's not to say you can't say anything to your bf about how you feel, however, that's where it should stop.
"I do love and care for him but this whole daddy-daughter thing is odd to me. I understand it's his daughter, I'm not jealous about that but the way he and his ex are raising her, she's going to end up never leaving home and leeching off him."..............I guess all this is "odd" to you because you have no children. Plus, you have this doomed picture painted of her future, so I am not sure why you have continued this relationship if you feel this way.
You sound unhappy and frustrated. Why not find a situation more compatible to what you want and who you are vs. trying to make this all work?
You don't sleep in the same bed or in the same bedroom as your bf, but you find it strange that his 11 year old daughter wants to sleep in the same bed as her father?
I don't see it strange that she wants to sleep in her father's bed or that she is going to grow up to be "clingy." She is ONLY 11. It's not like she is 22 and wants to sleep in the same bed with her father. I will say ideally she should be encouraged to sleep in her own bed, but if dad is ok with this then that's his prerogative. This child has been through a lot with her parents' divorce, etc.
You may not agree with your bf's or his ex's parenting style, but she is THEIR child. That's not to say you can't say anything to your bf about how you feel, however, that's where it should stop.
"I do love and care for him but this whole daddy-daughter thing is odd to me. I understand it's his daughter, I'm not jealous about that but the way he and his ex are raising her, she's going to end up never leaving home and leeching off him."..............I guess all this is "odd" to you because you have no children. Plus, you have this doomed picture painted of her future, so I am not sure why you have continued this relationship if you feel this way.
You sound unhappy and frustrated. Why not find a situation more compatible to what you want and who you are vs. trying to make this all work?
She sounds like a niece of mine, who, BTW, has grown into a perfectly lovely young woman. As a girl she was 100% about material things, and a huge snob. They were only fed restaurant (usually fast food) food, and never had homecooked food, and would refuse to eat it even though my MIL is a fabulous cook and all the other cousins were salivating at her holiday dinners.
She was also a product of divorce, and the divorce happened partly because of money fights. Her mother (who I do like, actually, very much) measured how much she is loved by how many gifts she gets (and gives), and measures the value of a vacation by how many times they ate out.
One mother's day, gifts of hand-made cards from her children and breakfast in bed was one of their huge fights of all times - she couldn't believe her husband hadn't purchased merchandise for her. And so on Father's Day that year, this mother repeatedly said to her kids, remember, Daddy didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, so we're not celebrating Father's Day this year either.
Reading through this she sounds crazy and unreasonable, but she's well-liked and has tons of girlfriends. She just really, really feels neglected if money isn't spent on her when she thinks it should have been.
So I could see where my niece got it from. Buying her expensive things was how she felt valued. When money wasn't spent on her, she felt neglected and unloved.
What DID go a long way was giving her non-material attention, and she thrived on gatherings with cousins where she was included in all the games and made to feel wanted.
Does his daughter have cousins or friends who could come during her visits?
She was also a product of divorce, and the divorce happened partly because of money fights. Her mother (who I do like, actually, very much) measured how much she is loved by how many gifts she gets (and gives), and measures the value of a vacation by how many times they ate out.
One mother's day, gifts of hand-made cards from her children and breakfast in bed was one of their huge fights of all times - she couldn't believe her husband hadn't purchased merchandise for her. And so on Father's Day that year, this mother repeatedly said to her kids, remember, Daddy didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, so we're not celebrating Father's Day this year either.
Reading through this she sounds crazy and unreasonable, but she's well-liked and has tons of girlfriends. She just really, really feels neglected if money isn't spent on her when she thinks it should have been.
So I could see where my niece got it from. Buying her expensive things was how she felt valued. When money wasn't spent on her, she felt neglected and unloved.
What DID go a long way was giving her non-material attention, and she thrived on gatherings with cousins where she was included in all the games and made to feel wanted.
Does his daughter have cousins or friends who could come during her visits?
You don't say how long Your BoyFriend has been divorced but You say You don't like how 'they' are raising Her.
Two things come to my mind:
#1 Your BoyFriend is not raising Her, She lives with Her Mother and visits Her Father. Therefore, Her Mother is raising Her
#2 NONE of the way She's "being raised" is for You to decide and neither is His interaction with His Daughter. All this was in place before You arrived.
It doesn't matter if this is "normal" as it's 'normal' for Them and Your only options are to accept it or leave it.
I understand if You don't like what is going on, I'm simply saying You will only bring grief to YourSelf, to Him and to the Child if You interfere. You are "thinking of ending the relationship over this and a few other 'things'(?)" ........and You probably should
Regards and GoodLuck
Tink
Two things come to my mind:
#1 Your BoyFriend is not raising Her, She lives with Her Mother and visits Her Father. Therefore, Her Mother is raising Her
#2 NONE of the way She's "being raised" is for You to decide and neither is His interaction with His Daughter. All this was in place before You arrived.
It doesn't matter if this is "normal" as it's 'normal' for Them and Your only options are to accept it or leave it.
I understand if You don't like what is going on, I'm simply saying You will only bring grief to YourSelf, to Him and to the Child if You interfere. You are "thinking of ending the relationship over this and a few other 'things'(?)" ........and You probably should
Regards and GoodLuck
Tink
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