I need to know if I'm as much at fault as I think?

[erika2090]

Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. We are two peas in a pod. However, he had a really terrible upbringing (parents on drugs, grandparents raising him for a while, estranged father, etc.) but he turned out great, graduating number one in three majors in college, working for a good firm, etc. He's an awesome person who beat the odds. Well, we both have been open about the past. But he got so upset over one incident with a friend of mine back in high school that I was unable to tell him who the other friend was that I had made a mistake with in college. Well, long story short, it came full circle that the mystery college man was a guy Jay* (bf) thought was only a friend with nothing ever happening. and I told him it didn't, which is wrong. well, he broke up with me because I lied about it. but it happened years before we dated! I only hid it from him because I thought it would cause a uge fight over nothing. Jay and I have talked about marriage and kids etc. We seriously talked about our future. He was saving for a ring. Now he said he sees no future because I broke his trust? But I have never cheated on him or even talked to a guy since our relationship.

[jemma116]

It appears that your boyfriend is very insecure and very jealous.

Any relationships that you (or he) had before you both met should not have any bearing on the what you have together now.  Past relationships are past relationships and history.  

I do not think anything wrong with you telling your boyfriend that nothing happened (whether it did or didn't).  And I too feel that is something he should not have asked you.  

I agree with the previous comments that you should not go running back to him or apologising to him how you lived your life before you met him.

Give him some time to think things over.  If he is controlling like someone suggested, this may be part of his way of manipulating you or perhaps he wanted to have an excuse to end the relationship because he has found someone else.

Hope things turn out well for you.

Best wishes.

[VICourageous]

I have to Ditto ALL what was said above..That was a very dumb reason for breaking it off..There must be something on the other side we are not aware of or YOU are not aware of..I wish you the best..Just keep on living your life and be happy and that might just make him wonder WHY you are so happy..If it is meant to be then it will cycle around back..BUT you better talk some things out about all of this if or when you do get back together..The Past is the Past..Let it GO!!!!!
Bless

[RockRose]

erika,  even though this man has all the "trappings" of having beaten the odds,  in fact,  he hasn't.

He has no idea how to have a relationship.  He looks successful on the outside but it's all window dressing.  He's a product of his upbringing - that is,  he really can't carry on a long-term meaningful relationship.  

[Chima7]

I think you may have dodged a bullet if he broke it off. Here's the deal, nobody is allowed to judge their gf/bf on stuff that happened before the relationship started. Whenever someone does that it is a huge red flag that the person has issues which makes them undateable.

It's inexcusable for him to treat you this way. That friend of yours is ancient history and since it all happened and concluded before you ever got together with this one, then it's none of his business. And instead of getting sad about this, I urge you to get mad and realize that you didn't do anything wrong. The reason why you didn't tell him more details about this boy is because it's none of his business and for him to be mad about that is wrong. He is totally wrong and I hope you will stand your ground and not go crying to him begging him to come back. If I were you I'd be furious with him right now for judging me on something that happened before I even knew he existed. I would be so mad that it would take a lot for him to make it right again if he pulled this BS on me. I hope that you will not let him back in your life again unless he proves that he isn't a possessive and obsessive control freak who expects you to have been a nun before you met him!

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also. Bringing up the past (short of a crime or transmittable infection) is really only your business and his business. Men are funny about this stuff and  some will set the mate up asking innocent questions only to bash them later.

If he broke up with you because of this then he cheated on you by not being honest about his true intentions. If he is this way, then other things will come up where he will constantly be trying to control you and being with a controlling person is the pits as is a never ending drama.
Instead of focusing on the future, they are focusing on the past. And all that is in the past is learning experiences.

Dont be anyones door mate as life is too short. Be your own person and never let anyone dominate you.

When all the dust settles and your in your later years, the only person that will really be there for you is YOU!

[erika2090]

Thanks for your comment! Looking back at my post, I realized I phrased that sentence poorly (darn ADD always distracting me) "Jay" is my boyfriend. The friend from college I have NOT been in contact with since before "Jay" and I have been dating. However, I have told "Jay" that this college friend was a friend, but not the one I slept with. I just didn't think it was necessary, because I do not and have not talked to the kid since it happened (I was really grossed out with myself for doing it).

[specialmom]

Oh boy, sorry to hear this.  I'm not a fan of the 'tell all' style of dating.  What happened before my marriage is my business and I really don't think it is fair to be judged for it.  Unless someone has a history that would cause grave concern for their future, I don't think it is relevant if someone slept with others and certainly any details surrounding that in their current relationship.  I never talked about that stuff with my husband nor he me.  Frankly, I don't need a visual of his having sex with someone else and don't want to create that for him either.  I take it as part of life that we were both adults when we met and had a life before each other.  

Anyway, here is where I have a concern though.  This friend Jay you kept in contact with.  This is a little hard. My husband had a girl like that that he'd dated (I don't think they ever had sex but don't know for sure) that he didn't tell me right away that they were romantic for a while.  When I found out, I felt funny about it.  I then wasn't cool with her anymore.  Had he lied about it, I would have guessed that he did that to protect my feelings and so he could remain friends with her . . .   so I'd assume that is why you lied to him . . .   but it does make it awkward.  Lying is never good even if I think it is unreasonable for him to ask such questions of your previous sex life.  

anyway, it is what it is.  I would offer that if he is uncomfortable that you don't have to hang out with the guy from college anymore (in truth, if my husband lied about something like that, I'd not want to be around that friend nor would I be kosher with his hanging out with them without me) and you lied because you were afraid he'd get upset.  You now realize that is wrong and you'll never do it again.  And then dear, don't buy into having to lay yourself out on the table for all to see when dating.  You don't.  you don't have to lie but you can certainly just keep things to yourself too.  

good luck