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Insecure & Paranoid!
Hello-
I am 21 years old and I got out of a 5 year relationship about a year and a half ago. It ended with him completely deceiving and cheating on me for about 1 year! Anyways, this was probably one of the most traumatizing experiences I have yet to deal with! It broke me down, wore me out, and worst of all, completely destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence.
I had stayed single for this time now, only briefly dating a few people, nothing serious at all. About a month ago, however, I met a guy! He's the perfect gentleman; calls me at all the right times, pays for everything, cooks me dinner, etc etc. And he too shares the baggage of a cheating-ex! Things have been going smooth (for this short time), but I'm starting to really freak myself out...
For example:
Last night he invited me over to cook me dinner. I don't know HOW this happened, but I have become a very shy and quiet girl since my breakup with my ex, and I'm starting to realize it may be affecting my new guy. He'll make comments like "Are you ok, you seemed weird to me tonight?" or "You're so quiet, is everything ok??" I try so hard not to be quiet, it's not even who I am, I'm just SOOO insecure! Anyways- So after dinner last night, he told me that an old friend from high school was in town and that she asked him to go get a few drinks, he invited me, and I definitely wanted to go - I think that social scenes are sometimes easier to talk in - only one problem.... this friend we were going to meet, was his ex girlfriends bestfriend! Immediately I became silent, he knew something was up, and I was trying so hard not to let it show!
Dinner continued, and things were great, even the car ride to the bar was good. Then we got to the bar and it was like a high school reunion! All his buddies, and then.... me. Now, usually, I'm a VERY social person, and most of the time I am even around him, but last night was Awkward with a capital "A"! I tried to make small talk with the girls as much as I could, then I was casually talking to my guy when he decided to mention that one of the girls was his ex girlfriends TWIN SISTER! YIPES! The whole time I couldn't help but think that she was giving me death stares and whispering about me to her friends. This completely threw off my vibe.
Finally, the night ended and we left. The ride home was pretty silent. There was some hand-holding and leg rubbing, but I could tell there was tension in the air (mainly from me, myself, and I). When we got home, we went to bed and things seemed pretty normal, we even talked about how the night was kind of weird, and he felt bad that I was in that position, and I tried to defend myself telling him that I was sorry too, etc. When we woke up this morning is when things seemed weird.... We kissed goodbye and then I sent him a usual cute little txt, only to find a not-so-friendly response from him! Maybe it's my paranoia talking, but I could've sworn something was wrong. So, I straight up asked him; "Is everything ok?" and he said "Ya tired". I haven't talked to him since this morning at 9am, but this whole time I haven't stopped thinking... DID I BLOW THIS???
What if this one little incident with his friends from home and my insecurities completely turned my guy off?? I really like him and I don't know what to do to stop these feelings I'm having and to make sure things continue to go smoothly.... Maybe I'm over-analyzing, but HELP!
I am 21 years old and I got out of a 5 year relationship about a year and a half ago. It ended with him completely deceiving and cheating on me for about 1 year! Anyways, this was probably one of the most traumatizing experiences I have yet to deal with! It broke me down, wore me out, and worst of all, completely destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence.
I had stayed single for this time now, only briefly dating a few people, nothing serious at all. About a month ago, however, I met a guy! He's the perfect gentleman; calls me at all the right times, pays for everything, cooks me dinner, etc etc. And he too shares the baggage of a cheating-ex! Things have been going smooth (for this short time), but I'm starting to really freak myself out...
For example:
Last night he invited me over to cook me dinner. I don't know HOW this happened, but I have become a very shy and quiet girl since my breakup with my ex, and I'm starting to realize it may be affecting my new guy. He'll make comments like "Are you ok, you seemed weird to me tonight?" or "You're so quiet, is everything ok??" I try so hard not to be quiet, it's not even who I am, I'm just SOOO insecure! Anyways- So after dinner last night, he told me that an old friend from high school was in town and that she asked him to go get a few drinks, he invited me, and I definitely wanted to go - I think that social scenes are sometimes easier to talk in - only one problem.... this friend we were going to meet, was his ex girlfriends bestfriend! Immediately I became silent, he knew something was up, and I was trying so hard not to let it show!
Dinner continued, and things were great, even the car ride to the bar was good. Then we got to the bar and it was like a high school reunion! All his buddies, and then.... me. Now, usually, I'm a VERY social person, and most of the time I am even around him, but last night was Awkward with a capital "A"! I tried to make small talk with the girls as much as I could, then I was casually talking to my guy when he decided to mention that one of the girls was his ex girlfriends TWIN SISTER! YIPES! The whole time I couldn't help but think that she was giving me death stares and whispering about me to her friends. This completely threw off my vibe.
Finally, the night ended and we left. The ride home was pretty silent. There was some hand-holding and leg rubbing, but I could tell there was tension in the air (mainly from me, myself, and I). When we got home, we went to bed and things seemed pretty normal, we even talked about how the night was kind of weird, and he felt bad that I was in that position, and I tried to defend myself telling him that I was sorry too, etc. When we woke up this morning is when things seemed weird.... We kissed goodbye and then I sent him a usual cute little txt, only to find a not-so-friendly response from him! Maybe it's my paranoia talking, but I could've sworn something was wrong. So, I straight up asked him; "Is everything ok?" and he said "Ya tired". I haven't talked to him since this morning at 9am, but this whole time I haven't stopped thinking... DID I BLOW THIS???
What if this one little incident with his friends from home and my insecurities completely turned my guy off?? I really like him and I don't know what to do to stop these feelings I'm having and to make sure things continue to go smoothly.... Maybe I'm over-analyzing, but HELP!
Its definatly a good sign that you're able to talk to this guy and that you're able to talk about whats going on. Communication is a HUGE part of a relationship and is a big part of moving on.
Best of luck!
Best of luck!
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my cry for help!
So, I gave it a lot of thought.. trying to figure out my own personal problem before I talked to my guy about it and I came to a conclusion...
I just haven't been acting myself. I have been trying wayyy too hard not to mess up a good thing that it completely backfired in my face!
So, after all that careful thought, I decided to go with my gut instinct and just talk to him about how I was feeling. I figured that if I'm this upset at myself (more than anything), I should really get it off my chest and let him know. He's a great guy, I'm sure he'll understand! So, I just let him know something had been bothering me and when he got a chance to give me a call to talk. I told him everything (well... almost, don't want to show too many of my cards!). I told him about how I don't know why I've been quiet around him, about why I'm shy to ask for what I want, and just basically explained that it's not who I am and I hope that he understands and will stand by me through this dilemma.. basically. His response was great! He asked if it had to do with him, and I told him I was just trying too hard, and he understood. And he went on to say that he just wants me to go with the flow and that he thinks things are going really good! He even mentioned how he was upset that I was upset.
I just feel so relieved. He even txted me goodnight and called just to say "Hi" today! In a way I feel kind of stupid for letting him know how I was freaking out, but I suppose it's better than letting him think I'm something I'm really not. I was no where near shy when we first met, and I'm sure he knows that, and I can tell that's why we're still together.
Hopefully I can redeem myself from this freakout and he doesn't think I'm crazy! I just really need to focus on being myself... even if I'm around strangers and not my closest friends! I know it's not easy, especially when you really like someone, but it's clear it needs to be done! As for going with the flow... I hope that I never panic like this again, I see good things for the future :)
Thank you all again!
So, I gave it a lot of thought.. trying to figure out my own personal problem before I talked to my guy about it and I came to a conclusion...
I just haven't been acting myself. I have been trying wayyy too hard not to mess up a good thing that it completely backfired in my face!
So, after all that careful thought, I decided to go with my gut instinct and just talk to him about how I was feeling. I figured that if I'm this upset at myself (more than anything), I should really get it off my chest and let him know. He's a great guy, I'm sure he'll understand! So, I just let him know something had been bothering me and when he got a chance to give me a call to talk. I told him everything (well... almost, don't want to show too many of my cards!). I told him about how I don't know why I've been quiet around him, about why I'm shy to ask for what I want, and just basically explained that it's not who I am and I hope that he understands and will stand by me through this dilemma.. basically. His response was great! He asked if it had to do with him, and I told him I was just trying too hard, and he understood. And he went on to say that he just wants me to go with the flow and that he thinks things are going really good! He even mentioned how he was upset that I was upset.
I just feel so relieved. He even txted me goodnight and called just to say "Hi" today! In a way I feel kind of stupid for letting him know how I was freaking out, but I suppose it's better than letting him think I'm something I'm really not. I was no where near shy when we first met, and I'm sure he knows that, and I can tell that's why we're still together.
Hopefully I can redeem myself from this freakout and he doesn't think I'm crazy! I just really need to focus on being myself... even if I'm around strangers and not my closest friends! I know it's not easy, especially when you really like someone, but it's clear it needs to be done! As for going with the flow... I hope that I never panic like this again, I see good things for the future :)
Thank you all again!
the truth of the matter is, guys are hard to read and you really have no idea whether or not you being uncomfertable really effected him at all. personally, i think you are worrying a little too much. probably from having dealt with your ex cheating and being a little insecure ever since. believe me, i understand where you're coming from b/c i too had a terrible ex who cheated on my many times that i was unaware of. that was my last relationship before i got married. there were plenty of times when my husband and i were dating where i thought i "blew" it. but, the fact is, if he really likes you and its meant to be, it would take a lot more than one awkward night to blow the whole relationship. don't mention it again. if he is back to normal self the next time you are together, then let it go. you'll drive yourself crazy over what he's thinking, when you'll never really know.
Yes, she's young but so is he. That's why I was telling her what may have been going on in his head when he said she was "acting weird." It may not seem like a big deal to us women but face it....men are on a different page than us. Guys don't like to walk on eggshells around a new girlfriend. Nor do they like to feel like they are going to have problems down the road with a new girlfriend. If it's that awkward after only a month of dating, he may possibly be questioning if it's going to happen more in the future. That's also why I told her to talk to him and explain what happened and hopefully he'll understand and try not to let it happen again. Most likely she's reading too much into it but if it turns out she's not then she know's what went wrong.
The girl is young and it was an uncomfortable situation for anyone, even if you are confident and secure. From what she described, I don't think the way she acted was such a big deal. After a while, situations like this won't affect her but geez, she is only 21 and really likes this guy. I think she acted fine. She knows she needs some improvement and maybe that is what this situation was meant to teach her.
Talk to him and see what he says about the situation. From what little bit I know he may be upset because you acted like a jealous girlfriend after only dating a month. He may be thinking "If she's like this now, what's she going to be like down the road." You need to re-evaluate yourself and your personality. If you're usually outgoing why would you not be last night (making you seem like a jealous girlfriend to both your guy and all his friends....which probably embarrassed him)? I would explain to your guy what is going on in your head and hope he wants to try again. If not, you'll have to get over it and remember not to act like this again with either this guy or anyone else.....especially after only a month of dating!
I read through your post a couple times and I'm having a hard time telling what the reality of this whole thing is - it could go either way. I think either:
1. You didn't blow it and he's just kind of distracted right now
or
2. You acted so strangely that he was embarrassed in front of his dear friends and is now having second thoughts.
If usually you're a VERY social person, it sounds like that's what he's looking for in a girlfriend, and that's the kind of woman he would like to be with. But from your description at least one other time before last night you were very shy and withdrawn - and it seems to bother him quite a bit because that's not who he would choose.
It's hard to say from your description how "off" you seemed - best wishes in sorting this out.
1. You didn't blow it and he's just kind of distracted right now
or
2. You acted so strangely that he was embarrassed in front of his dear friends and is now having second thoughts.
If usually you're a VERY social person, it sounds like that's what he's looking for in a girlfriend, and that's the kind of woman he would like to be with. But from your description at least one other time before last night you were very shy and withdrawn - and it seems to bother him quite a bit because that's not who he would choose.
It's hard to say from your description how "off" you seemed - best wishes in sorting this out.
You didn't blow it. I think you are over-analyzing things. You did fine at the bar with all his high school friends. Nothing out of ordinary happened. So you were a little insecure but that's ok. I used to be that way until I got a little older and more comfortable in my skin.
Most of us gals have a cheating ex somewhere in the past. Don't let their cheating make you think that something is wrong with you, because usually nothing is wrong is the girlfriend. It's the cheater that has the problem. Maybe they just need to grow up a bit or something. It's in the past for a reason.
Try building up your confidence a little bit. Be happy with yourself. This guy sounds really nice and like he really cares about you.
Just sit back and relax. I'm sure he will get back to you soon. Good luck!
Keep us posted!
Most of us gals have a cheating ex somewhere in the past. Don't let their cheating make you think that something is wrong with you, because usually nothing is wrong is the girlfriend. It's the cheater that has the problem. Maybe they just need to grow up a bit or something. It's in the past for a reason.
Try building up your confidence a little bit. Be happy with yourself. This guy sounds really nice and like he really cares about you.
Just sit back and relax. I'm sure he will get back to you soon. Good luck!
Keep us posted!
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