Is he, thats its all "gravy" or does the "gravy" make it into a relationship?!

[strawb]

my bloke of almost three years (living together just over 1yr) is still really rather selfish and unthoughtful.  refuses to pick me up if i'm stuck at work or ina jam travelwise, gave up putting in any effort on the sex front a long while ago, and like today - we're away on holiday tomorrow afternoon - so hes gone for a pint with his matem knowing theres a guy coming round to quote for some DIY work,and having not eaten anything, we agreed i'd cook while he popped out and then he's going out to his mates later on anyhoo..........

so made his dinner and times ticking on - the guys gonna be here in five so i text him saying get a wriggle on - only for him to reply that the dude isnt coming til later on - so he'll see me later!?

am i being a pain or is he just rubbish??

i understand he wants to see his mates to say bye etc - but we're only away for a week, he sees his mates EVERYDAY, and i just feel like i'm left to sort the washing and packing out while hes partying on, and that he just doesnt want to spend time with me as at the weekend theres friday boys night, thensunday he goes to a mates, and most of the rest of the week we just sit and watch tv and dotn really do anything together, and whenever i say that to him he laighs and says "yeah, just everything" i know we live together but for gods sake, i've spent more "quality time" with you lot on this here forum!!

ok we'll spend the next wwek together, just us, but theres always someone else for him to start chatting with and end up ignoring me for the rest of the night, unless i'm buying! :o(

whenever i point out the flaws in our relationship he does honmestly say its oall gravy and the mainthings are really good between us, but to me the gravy - trivial bits -are what makes living together being an actual relationship........

[RockRose]

I agree with the others.  I hope somehow this holiday works out for you,  but I think this relationship is doomed.

My husband is in fact clueless when I need help - and I seldom need help.  I'm kind of like a military wife who can completely manage everything,  but the irony of it is he's here in town.  Only in dire circumstances do I ask for help when any other man would have recognized that his help was needed.  So I kind of get that mentality - that he's out hanging out with his friends while you need him.

I don't get all the other stuff,  though.  I don't get that he ignores you if he can chat with someone else,  or that he's given up on sex.

It sounds like you have nothing at all here.  He's doing nothing for you,   at all.

Your next boyfriend will be better.  ;D

[Jaybay]

You've done a great job writing out everything that you don't like about the relationship.  Is there anything at all you DO like?  Well, other than just being able to say you have someone to come home to once in a while when he does decide to come home.  

You're letting him use you to keep all the mundane things of his life in order.  Sounds more like being a mommy to a small child than a lover and a partner.  If you want to keep living like that, then by all means, stay.  He's not going to change a thing.  Change is up to you if you're strong enough to do it.

[jo929]

He does sond like a very selfish person,. and i for one would lose ,my temper right quick , if he refused to pick me up when i needed, a ride.It also sounds like he would rather be with his buddies,and you are an afterthough,, so to speak, what have you seen in this guy, for 3 years?  do you really think this relationship will last, unless it is on his selfish terms, try, and think more of yourslf,. you deserve better, and if you dont stand up for yourself,, he will keep treating you this way, and it may get worse lots , also have you thought that he may just be using you?   lots luck  jo

[Ceela]

Strawb it sounds like he treats you like his uncool roommate who he is only nice to when he wants something.  I'm sorry but I can't think of any of my boyfriends (even the ones that turned out to be jack***es) who would refuse to give me a lift somewhere or spend so much time with "the boys" instead of me.  I hate to say it but it sounds like this relationship has been over for him for a while and he is too chicken to end it like a man.  I can almost see him sitting in a bar with his friends saying "I treat her like ****!! What do I have to do to get this girl to leave???"  I think you could do better than this guy and more importantly why don't you think you deserve better??

[Agiesmom]

Ok, living together is something I don't get and I won't pretend to understand, so I don't know how helpful I will be...

...that said, what your man describes as "gravy" is more the meat and potatoes, imo.  Showing love, affection, admiration, and respect for someone and having a laugh and a cuddle with him is not "gravy"--it's the main thing.

Think about it--he puts a lot of effort into nurturing his relationships with his friends.  And maybe he's taking for granted having you in his life--knowing you're there every day and doing everything--but that's no reason to not put some effort into.

And you are right--if you didn't live with him, you'd be someone he would make an effort to see and spend time with.

The selfishness is not something I think will change.  People are either caring and thoughtful or they aren't.  It really sounds like it is all about him.