Is it man or his baby mama drama

[Artemis04]

Well hopefully you all do not laugh at me....I discussed this situation with my best friend last night and I am still torn. There is a guy that I have been dating for all most a month now. We have hit it off well and I am happy about that. On our first date, he told me he liked me. I was so happy to hear that, because I wanted to hear confirmation from him before I told him that I liked him. He stated that he liked that I tolerated the some what bad dinner he made me as well as the fact that I laughed at his crummy jokes : ). He stated to me that he is looking for a drama free relationship and women that are not psycho. His ex whom he may have a child with (he is waiting for the results of the parternity test they took this month, which he should get next month). He told me about the situation with the baby and his ex before we even had a first date. I was glad that he did not hide this info from me and was honest. Any how, he has stated to me that he like me and will not hurt me or leave me and I do believe him. Because we have been dating and talking to each other for a month via phone, email, in person, ect and he has not lied to me yet, well at least I believe that. We were suppose to hang out yesterday, but he blew me off to spend time with his possible baby mama and the baby. He wanted to spend time with me but she was there with the baby and he did not want me to come over. I sent him some text that day, and I guess his phone was not near him and she saw the text I sent him. One in particular she got mad about was sensual in content, from a conversation we were having the day before. He state that he wanted to have sex with me and I did not. I sent him a text in return stated that hopefully he can survive with out having *****, lol. Well she saw the text and he sent a text to me back stated that "she was over at his apartment and that she saw the text and jumped his ****." I apologized for the text and that it made his ex mad, but my best friend said I should have not even done that, because I did nothing wrong if he has totally moved on with is life. I apologize because I did not mean for him to get reamed on or for her to be "jumping his ****."  I do not know if he has told her that he has moved on with his life and is dating again or what. My whole thing is, if he is dating what does he care what she though of the text he should have stated to her that that was his business and not hers and that it was a joke. Well I am understanding that even if the child is not his, he wants to act as the childs father, because the baby's mother was raped while they were together. He has been there from day one with this child and most men would not be at our age (I am 26 he is 27) or older. He siad that he wants nothing to do with her outside of the baby, but she was at his house all day and I am afraid to say anything because we are dating/hanging out, I don't live there, and I do not want to seem as though I am monopolizing his time and telling him who he can and can't see. I like him and just do not want to make any mistakes with him, which I stated to him when I text him last night. I can't eat, sleep, function, because I am so confused and stressed right now. I just do not want to be a third wheel and want to find out from him is he ready to move on without his ex. And lets say the baby is his, does he want to resume a relationship with her, knowing all that she has done to him-accused him of beating her, filed false police reports against him, accused him of cheating, ect. And even though she did that to him he paid for her to go to school, bought her a new car, bought her maternity clothes and essentials for the baby, let her live with him for a brief period of time, paid all the bills, so she would not have to work and could stay at home - **** that most men would not do. The baby is 6mos now and he is attached which most men would be that have invested that much time in making a perfect home and who wants to be a parent. I am just wondering what should I do or think, I want us to continue building our friendship/relationship and see what happens. I am not ready to cut ties with him yet,I like him too much for that, which I have stated to him too, but I do not want to be a third wheel in this entire situation. I am at wits end with this and I hope he understands where I am coming from, I am not trying to be a thorn in his side but at the same time, I should not settle for being possibly lied to. The next time he is off is this weekend and I am hopeing that we can talk one way or another.

[mami1323]

Hon it's been only one month and already there is drama.  I think after so little time you are investing way too much of yourself as is.  Give it some time and space but I think mostly the best thing you can do is wait until the paternity tests are in and see what happens from there.  I think that if it's this complicated now, it will only be more complicated going forward.  Remember, you only know his side of the story, you don't truly know what their relationship is.  You say he's always told you the truth but you don't really know if it is the whole hearted truth.  It's only his word.  Either way, I'm not sure this is the best situation for you.  But that's up to you to decide what you're willing to tolerate.  Speaking from experience, if you give so much in the beginning and are so understanding, he will know exactly how much you are willing to tolerate and take advantage of that.  Good luck.

[Artemis04]

Well I want to let him know the next time we go out or talk via phone, email, or text that I am not gonna be his door mat. If he truly likes me like he says he does then he should be willing to tell her that he is dating again or at least has a female friend. But I am going to tread lightly right now and am going to see what the paternity test results are. But he has stated to me already that regardless of if the child is his or not, he wants to be there to raise the baby girl and I have no problem with that because he has been in 6mos of her life period and has made a bond with her.

[trekrgirl]

Wow, sounds like he has enough drama for both of you. there are two sides to a pancake no matter how thin it is, becareful, the history you talked about that he has could be scary. Tread lightly.  It sounds like you need to take care of you go about your life and see what happens then make your choices, a month is not a long relationship.

[Artemis04]

I am trying to take care of me like my best friend told me and not worry about him. I am in school for medicine. I like him and he has told me he likes me but at the same time, I am wondering if I should trust him. He has not done anything violent to any women, he workes in the law enforcement sector and he has a good heart, I know that first hand. I just do not want to be a 3rd wheel when it comes to his relationship with his potential baby mama and him.

[mami1323]

Well it is admirable that he wants to stay part of the baby's life but here's the thing, if it turns out to be his, he will have to put boundaries on his relationship with his child's mother, if he chooses to keep you in his life.  I don't think that it will be healthy for your relationship if he continues to spend time with his child and her at the same time.  She obviously still harbors feelings for him and it will cause conflict between you and her if he isn't careful with how he handles that situation.  If it isn't his child, I can see her using the child as a pawn to manipulate him.  And basically, he will have no legal or parental rights to that baby.  So either way, it's not going to be an easy road.  You will have to see if this relationship is really worth all of this effort.  A month is too short amount of time to determine that.  I think he has to get his life in order first before bringing any one into it.  Once it's straightened out on his end, then go in, but the way it is now, someone is bound to get hurt.

[Artemis04]

I am going to just hang out/date at his discretion and see what happens with the paternity test. I am just going to prepare myself for the best and worse senario and go from there. You are completely correct is that he is going to have to keep his distance from his ex if him and I are going to work out and I do believe she still likes him, but he says he does not care for her. But deep inside he may still care for her, that is what I am going to have to determine from him and his actions toward himself, me, and her.

[Judy246]

It's interesting that he told you that he didn't want another relationship with drama, yet his life is drama. Ask yourself, do you really want to be involved with someone who cancelled a date with you, because ex mama is there. If he truly cared about you, he would had told her, "Unfortunately, I have plans for the evening and will talk to her or call her at a better time". That would have worked for me.

Although I can understand that you have strong feeling for him, but don't put yourself in a situation or relationship, where there is too much drama and you can end up being hurt.  Also, you should'nt have to apologize to anyone for having text him and she had no business looking at his text message.  Good luck and let us know how everything is coming along....Judy (Chicago)

[teko]

He is manipulating you. You said yourself, it was his cell, not hers, according to him he wants nothing to do with her as per a relationship goes, yet she was there all day. I am sorry to tell you this, but you are the third person and you know what they say about that! Threes a crowd.  If I were you, I would cut my losses and run before you get any more caught up in his world.  It is going to get ugly. From what I can c, he has already lied, by omission. Tell him to look you up when they get their deal settled, permanantly.

[Artemis04]

I will leave it up to him if he wants to reschedule for this weekend. Well it was wrong for him to do me the way he did but all is fine. I will just be casual and see how things progress and what his stance will be when he gets the paternity test back next month.

[Artemis04]

Well he is trying to divide his time between his ex and the baby and me. I do not want to monopolize his time and I stated that to him on the first date. He stated to me on May 12 that "he wants to be with me long term but wants to see as time goes on how we work out and that he likes what he sees in me and how we get along with each other. So with that said I do not want to mess us up by not giving him a chance to clear his life and situation.

[KATE535]

Do you really want to bother having a relationship with a man that is still hugely involved with his ex? Why give yourself that unnessesary heart-ache and anger over feeling second-best. It seems to me he is more interested in his ex (might be a number of reasons like feeling guilty about ending the relationship, and wanting to be there for the baby) But whatever the reason, he is not being fair to you.
You should only ever expect a man you are in a relationship with to be devoted to you and you only (not his ex). Although devotion to his child is reasonable, but not like this - the ex so heavily involved in his relationship with the baby.
I don't think this will work out for you, I would get out of this sort of relationship if it were me.... just because I don't think he will change, he will still see the ex, and you don't know weather he is stringing you along and seeing you and her. Yes they may be split up, but he could still be sexually involved with her when he goes round her place.
You are setting yourself up for a relationship that will bring you jelousy and resentment.
And he is treating you badly.
Not a man for the keeping. You love him yes, but please see he is treating you badly.

[teko]

I would only add that if the ex is getting mad at him getting a message from another gal? She does not consider herself an ex. If he is taking up for her in this type of behavior, or making excuses for her? He is not an ex either. Still too much emotional baggage. If indeed she considered herself an ex, she would welcome you and congratulate him at meeting someone etc.  Just my 2 cents. O course what do I know, I am just to old to understand these things I guess. Good luck whatever you decide.

[jo929]

It seems all that you know about him is what he will tell you, and maybe he is not telling all.  luck  jo

[Artemis04]

I am going to talk to him this weekend....at the urging of my friends and my peace of mind, I am only going to be causal with him. Friends and hanging out, if we are meant to date we will after the paternity test. I want to find out from him what he wants to do and if he is ready to move on. I will keep you all posted as to what occurs this weekend. I appreciate the help and advice, I am trying to keep calm as well as a clear head and not make any decisions until I talk to him. But I will let him know that I will not settle for being a 3rd wheel or manipulated and I will see if he stands by what I say or run. If he runs then I will know that he never cared from the get go. If he stands by my decision then I know he has so moral resolve to his character.

[mami1323]

Why keep him around as a friend if he's been lying to you and manipulating you.  You can't just fool yourself and think he can only be a friend when you have feelings for him.  Let him go all together until he's serious about you and only you.

[mslkpage]

Oh I had so much to say but then Teko read my mind! He's still involved with this woman and that's why she got mad. He may not been "with" her, but I guarentee she thinks they are in the process of working things out. So of course she acts psycho, because she didn't get the message from him that he wants nothing to do with her. He's playing both of you.

[Artemis04]

I talked to him today. He told me that she still likes him and likes to always cause drama and lives on it along with her mother. He said that she has a habit of ruining all of his relationships. I told him that he is feeding into her drama by letting her come over to his home when she does not live there anymore. He stated to me he has been ingnoring her by not returning her phone calls and text. I stated to him that I should have not apologized for the text I sent him but I did because I felt bad about her seeing what I sent him on his phone, but he is an adult and she should have not been looking at his phone. He said that she is childish like that to check his phone and that she loves drama and is extremely jealous and that she has been trying to look me up on facebook and myspace to message me. I stated to him that I was being honest about my feeling for him and that I want to see how things progress with us. I am not an immature person and I will not stoop to her level and act and idiot and play mind games because she is. He said he was being honest and does not like drama and games either and that is why he spoke to her as well as was letting me know what is going on. He stated to her she has not chance of getting him back and that he is trying to move on with his personal life. Well I am taking it one day at a time and see what happens when he gets the paternity test.

[Judy246]

If she has a habit or running all of his relationships...that's a warning sign right there that he either still have some feelings for her to permit her and I'm very proud of you for standing up to what is an uncomfortable situation. I am an anti-ex's in my relationship. If mother of a child, all he owes her is financial support and be a good father to his child, but  that's it.  Thanks for taking all our advise and putting them into action....Judy

[Artemis04]

You have a point he may be inhibiting her into ruining his future interests. He says he has no feelings because he told her she has no chance in getting back with him. I am just going to take it very slow and see what happens. I will continue taking your advice and just feeling him out via his words and actions and see if they add up to what he said to me today.

[Artemis04]

Well while he said he did not want to be with his ex and wanted to be with me because I was independent, intelligent, head strong, caring, ect. I guess he decided to be with his ex....because I have not heard from him since May 22 when we last talked and he said that his ex and potential baby mama was a jealous and breaks up all his friendships. I have not heard from him at all, he was suppose to get the paternity test results on last friday, so maybe those bummed him out but what the hell. He could have at least said hi...I am in a not so good place now or I think its best that I am with my ex to raise the child, ect. Be a man and state your decision. Well I do not know if I want to be his friend anymore...because of the silence, I do not want to be mean, but if he can't state how he is feeling then how are we suppose to communicate period regardless of the situation....friends, dating, ect, All I can do is pray for him and the turmoil in his life. But I am through with it....I can keep taking his word when his actions do not coincide with his words. Thanks for the advice ladies you were right even though I hate that you were.

[KATE535]

So he wasn't the one for you... but so what, right? Good for you I say, that you saw his true colours in the end.
You have been wise to allow *him* to make the move, if indeed he was ever going to, and you not making any moves to contact him has shown you what he really is.
It's a credit to you that you've ignored him back, and his ignorance towards you has shown you the red flag you needed to see - that his baby mama is number 1. He is a jerk, he will allow himself to plod along with his psycho ex, ruining his chance of happiness, well tuff-titty!! he has himself to blame, he refuses to accept he has choices in life - the choice to move on from her, but he wont. You are better off without him Hun. Don't think about him anymore.

[mami1323]

Don't look at it so negatively.  He did you a favor.  Now you don't have to spend months or years of your life mixed up in this triangle.  I honestly don't think it was truly over between them but at least you were able to see him for what he was and you don't have to deal with that headache anymore.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.  

[Artemis04]

I spoke to quick lol. Guess who contacted me early this morning, that is right he did. I was surprised as hell, what the f*&^%$# hell. I had not spoke to him since May 22 and then he decided to contact me today. Well he said the reason he did not contact me was because, one he got a new cell phone and he did not update it with my info and two that he work schedule had be changed and the energy reactor plant he works at. I know his schedule can change on a dime from experience but he would usually contact me. I just took what he said for a grain of salt, he asked me to see him for lunch today so I did. But I am trying to keep it platonic and not get over involved with him. He has a baby mama and I believe he is carring a torch for her even though he says he does not. If he likes and cares about me like he says he does, he could have found a way to contact me even though he was going through all these life changes. I like him and he says that he likes me, but I am not going to let that cloud my judgement. He asked me out this weekend, I stated to him that I will have to see how my schedule turns out. I am going to toss him the same **** he has to me. I will keep you ladies posted on what happens.

[mslkpage]

Cut him loose completely. He's going to give you just enough hope to keep you around. You're not in a position to be friends with him right now- the emotional attachment is too strong for you to keep it platonic. He's playing games with you and you may think you can play it just as well, but you can't.

[mami1323]

Sweetie I agree with mslkpage on this one.  Why have to play games with someone?  It's exhausting and really a waste of time.  There is no friendship to be had with someone when you clearly still have feelings for them.  My fiance told me that if we were to ever break up he would have feelings for me for a long time, even if he got involved with someone else.  Do you want to be that someone else when he obviously still does have feelings for his ex?  They share a child together so it's not someone who is going to ever be out of his life.  You have a grea chance of moving on here, don't get strung along here.  Move on.

[Artemis04]

My best girlfriend told me that I should cut him loose too. She said that if I could keep it platonic that I can go for it but be careful. I am attached to him, but not a "love" attachment. I like him to a certain degree but not like "omg, school girl crush". I am just going to reflect on it all and make a clear calm decision, but I did let him know that I do not want to be strung along and that I am not gonna take his ****, because I have better things to do with my time. I am not going to jump in head first, nor have I, I am keeping a defensive mind/strategy about it all.

[CrazyGastro]

Well, I read over the posts and would like to give my brief opinion.

For what it's worth, I think your positive, non-reactive attitude has been very healthy. You communicated how you felt, stated the position you are in, gave him the space he seemed to need and did your best to reflect on the present situation.

I don't agree with how quickly most people here were to jump up and state that he's positively been lying. From all that you've mentioned, even you have had a hard time knowing whether or not that is true. With the limited information we've been given, it's even harder to make that call. As a male (29 yrs old)- however little that may matter in my conclusion- I do have to say that the odds are low that he isn't hiding anything. He could feel confused, or perhaps worried that she may withhold the presence of the infant from his life. He may still be interested. He may simply have chosen to refrain from including you in every aspect of his life, which is fair given how little time it's been since you've started seeing one another. He may be bluntly lying.
  
But I do not- and cannot- know that from here. And neither can anyone else in this forum with the information presented. All we can do is make poorly educated guesses based on the descriptions you've given- at best.

So commend yourself for your positive attitude, and if you still feel like finding out what is going on, remember that, as it's been pointed out, the relationship has been very brief. Also remember that, although his ex may not appreciate it, it is not his place to bend his whole life around her whims- he could well have you around when she chooses to drop by. You may remind him of that.
Choose your path based on what you know, not on what you suspect. You have so far, so I trust you will. "There are no inconsistencies. If you find any, look around your premises" - similarly stated by Ayn Rand. So if you notice some, there's something amiss, something not being said or clarified. Be honest, up front, direct, and request the same.

Good luck!

[Artemis04]

Thanks for praising me on my health non-reactive attitude. I have only know him for a little over a month now. I like him and he says he likes me. Well I told him last night that "we needed to talk" rather than "I wanted to talk" and he said that we could talk on Monday. I just need clarity to so much and just want him to provide me with that rather than blowing him off. I think us talking on monday, will allow us to hopefully put all our cards on the table - good or bad- and we go from there. Even if were not mean to be a couple, at least we can be friends. He says he wants more I just have to determine if it is all talk or if he really wants to be more.

[Artemis04]

He found out that baby girl is his from DNA Diagnostics today. Told me that he is needs time to figure out what to do, so I stated to him to take time and figure out what he wants to d. That he is in my thoughs and prayers because I care for him. And that I wish him luck in whatever decision he makes as long as his heart and soul guide him in making the right decision. So I will wait and see what happens but I will not wait all year.

[KATE535]

Just remember, if you do seek out this relationship, now that he IS the baby's father, expect to have his ex being an even bigger influence over him than she already has been, which to me, has been big enough already. Expect it to be a battle to get this guy to prioritise you, expect a relationship where you may be second best. Or, let him go and be a daddy to his child with his ex - I think he will end up stringing you along again, then change his mind, as his ex plays games using his baby. She will play emotional blackmail with him, she still likes him, and you are likely to end up with the worst end of it.
You like him, yes, but you could fall for someone else in the near-future too, someone who wont mess you about with an 'ex', or an 'ex & baby drama'. Just a thought.

[Artemis04]

I do agree with you that I could end up liking another guy as much as him. But I stated to him that I would not run off because of his ex and I mean that. If she gets nutz then I may just cut him loose, but I stated to him that I would stick by his side through it all and I have so far with the paternity test. I just hope that he makes the decison that is best for him and not what he thinks his family or ex want. If he has not feelings for her and told her that then his decision should not be to difficult as it pertains to his intimate life. I will give him a month of space to let me know what he decides. If it is not promising then I will move on but still be his (best) friend.

[KATE535]

Well you are more tolerant, and more patient than I would be, and that is a credit to you. He would be better off with someone like you than his ex, I just hope he will see that, at least you show him understanding and are willing to let him decide what he wants (I'm not so sure his ex will have that attitude about you). Not many women would put the ball in his court so readily, you know how b;tchy women can be when it comes to ex's and competeing over men. But I can imagine as your feelings for him grow, you will become less patient with the whole him and his ex situation and it would only be normal for you to eventually expect him to give you more time and exclusivity. Remember, he can be a good father *without* the ex in his life. Be careful you don't become the bit on the side. That would be an awful place to be. Oh and I hope a friendship will work, if that's the routr you take, but remember that too will be hard if you have feelings for eachother.

[mami1323]

I agree with KATE, I really hope he does realize what a gem he has in you.  However, I think it will grow tiresome for you as well.  Eventually you will want more, it's human nature.  There is only a limited amount of time a person will allow someone else to string them along, although, some people are desperate and live with false hope.  I'm not saying this is you but could easily become you.  Don't let him take advantage of your patience and kind heart.  And watch for the baby mama, some women will do anything to hold onto their man.  He's got to decide what he wants and if it's you then he needs to set boundaries and limits with her.  He needs to be clear and upfront with her about your relationship with him.  You may be looking at a long, hard battle with her.  I can see her being extremely bitter and using that child as a pawn.  I just hope he doesn't give in to her just to appease her.  He's got to be strong and willing to fight her so that you can have your relationship.  Be prepared.  Good luck.

[Artemis04]

I told myself and my best friend Janita that I would give him a month to make his decision. By that time he should have a clear heart, soul, and mind to think with. I want him to make sure that he does what is right for him, not what he feels he is obligated to do. I am a full time pre-med student, so I do not have time to be living on false hope. I am taking classes this summer, so I have plenty to occupy my time in addition to working on buying a house for next year among other things. I have my priorities straight as to what I want to do in life and what I need to do to get there. He realizes that and I hope he sees that I would be good to have in his life, which he says. I am just going to do me and see what happens - a month and that is all. If he contacts me before that then I am peachy, if not then I know what he has decided.

[Artemis04]

Well I have an update to my delimma and it did not go well and I am hurting to the point if does not feel it will ever be better. Well guess what...he was two timing me and his baby mama which he got pregnant again while I was seeing him. We only knew what he wanted us to about each other.....which was bad stuff or much of nothing at all. His baby mama was nice, she told me that all he said about her was false. But those two like drama and I found out, and I guess it is best that me and him did not end up together more than 2 1/2 months. He did not tell her that him and I were dating or were friends/hung out, did not tell her he kissed or made out with me, ect. He lied to her face and he wanted it to stay that way, but I told her the truth so she would know. Yeah, I could have lied like he wanted me to, but that would have been wrong and I would have not been able to go on. But if I had of lied things would have continued to be ok I guess between him and I, maybe until him or I got caught. But she told me that yea they broke up back in March, but he was still dating her and seeing me at the same time. He wanted her and me on the side without her knowing. I wish he had been more truthful to me about still dating his baby mama and I would have said bye bye. But she says that he cares for and loves her which was the same things he told me....how can u feel that way for 2 women....he I guess as my friend stated he wants what he wants when he wants it. Well she was not mad and me for seeing him, she was mad at him for lying. He hurt us both and I hope when he looks at his daughter that he realizes what he did and takes into consideration would he want that sh#* to happen to his daughter. Because if a man womanized her the way he did his baby's mother and I, I know his heart would break or at least I would hope. If just hurts so bad......it is unconsciousable what he did and sad enough I want him to burn in hell. I feel like I am dying inside. My mom wanted to castrate him, so he best be glad he did not meet her.

[KATE535]

I'm sorry to hear it was the worst news for you after all. There was something suspicious from the whole situation you gave us, and most of us felt he was cheating... I'm sorry it turned out to be the case.
You were right not to carry on playing 'the other woman', and having the decency to tell him you are not going to be used like that. And I'm so pleased you told his baby mama what he'd been up to. So you snuffed out the rat, good riddence. The cheating toe-rag !!
There are a lot of women who, because of already being in love, would've followed their heart, and not to lose him, would have stayed as his bit on the side, hoping one day he would leave her for them. I'm so pleased you don't want that uncertain existence for yourself. Praise to you for not even considering that option. Affairs will only cause pain to all involved.
Be strong, there is so much to be positive about by leaving this man and moving on. Hopefully you will focus on that, then the pain will be over sooner.
Hugs!!

[Artemis04]

I really did like him but I was not "in love" with him like his baby mama was. Even though I did just like him it did hurt that he was seeing her and me both - how trifiling and selfish. I now I am going to do and have bigger and better things in my life - including a man that is not a cheating lying dog. I just hope that he looks at this daughter and sees the woman she will become in the future and understand that it is not ok to cheat on women period. It is not ok to lie and mislead people to get what you want. I did not want to be the woman on the side. If I were I do not think I would have been able to live with myself if I did that. I just honestly hope that he does not cheat on her anymore because she is pregnant with child 2 and she is trying to give him the chance to make it up to her and regain her trust. I wished her best of luck with him if that is what she wants. He seems to have destructive behavior and I do not need that in my life. All I can wish is that he understands what he did was da*& wrong or that he pays dearly in h e double hockey sticks as bad as that sounds.