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Is it man or his baby mama drama
Well hopefully you all do not laugh at me....I discussed this situation with my best friend last night and I am still torn. There is a guy that I have been dating for all most a month now. We have hit it off well and I am happy about that. On our first date, he told me he liked me. I was so happy to hear that, because I wanted to hear confirmation from him before I told him that I liked him. He stated that he liked that I tolerated the some what bad dinner he made me as well as the fact that I laughed at his crummy jokes : ). He stated to me that he is looking for a drama free relationship and women that are not psycho. His ex whom he may have a child with (he is waiting for the results of the parternity test they took this month, which he should get next month). He told me about the situation with the baby and his ex before we even had a first date. I was glad that he did not hide this info from me and was honest. Any how, he has stated to me that he like me and will not hurt me or leave me and I do believe him. Because we have been dating and talking to each other for a month via phone, email, in person, ect and he has not lied to me yet, well at least I believe that. We were suppose to hang out yesterday, but he blew me off to spend time with his possible baby mama and the baby. He wanted to spend time with me but she was there with the baby and he did not want me to come over. I sent him some text that day, and I guess his phone was not near him and she saw the text I sent him. One in particular she got mad about was sensual in content, from a conversation we were having the day before. He state that he wanted to have sex with me and I did not. I sent him a text in return stated that hopefully he can survive with out having *****, lol. Well she saw the text and he sent a text to me back stated that "she was over at his apartment and that she saw the text and jumped his ****." I apologized for the text and that it made his ex mad, but my best friend said I should have not even done that, because I did nothing wrong if he has totally moved on with is life. I apologize because I did not mean for him to get reamed on or for her to be "jumping his ****." I do not know if he has told her that he has moved on with his life and is dating again or what. My whole thing is, if he is dating what does he care what she though of the text he should have stated to her that that was his business and not hers and that it was a joke. Well I am understanding that even if the child is not his, he wants to act as the childs father, because the baby's mother was raped while they were together. He has been there from day one with this child and most men would not be at our age (I am 26 he is 27) or older. He siad that he wants nothing to do with her outside of the baby, but she was at his house all day and I am afraid to say anything because we are dating/hanging out, I don't live there, and I do not want to seem as though I am monopolizing his time and telling him who he can and can't see. I like him and just do not want to make any mistakes with him, which I stated to him when I text him last night. I can't eat, sleep, function, because I am so confused and stressed right now. I just do not want to be a third wheel and want to find out from him is he ready to move on without his ex. And lets say the baby is his, does he want to resume a relationship with her, knowing all that she has done to him-accused him of beating her, filed false police reports against him, accused him of cheating, ect. And even though she did that to him he paid for her to go to school, bought her a new car, bought her maternity clothes and essentials for the baby, let her live with him for a brief period of time, paid all the bills, so she would not have to work and could stay at home - **** that most men would not do. The baby is 6mos now and he is attached which most men would be that have invested that much time in making a perfect home and who wants to be a parent. I am just wondering what should I do or think, I want us to continue building our friendship/relationship and see what happens. I am not ready to cut ties with him yet,I like him too much for that, which I have stated to him too, but I do not want to be a third wheel in this entire situation. I am at wits end with this and I hope he understands where I am coming from, I am not trying to be a thorn in his side but at the same time, I should not settle for being possibly lied to. The next time he is off is this weekend and I am hopeing that we can talk one way or another.
Hon it's been only one month and already there is drama. I think after so little time you are investing way too much of yourself as is. Give it some time and space but I think mostly the best thing you can do is wait until the paternity tests are in and see what happens from there. I think that if it's this complicated now, it will only be more complicated going forward. Remember, you only know his side of the story, you don't truly know what their relationship is. You say he's always told you the truth but you don't really know if it is the whole hearted truth. It's only his word. Either way, I'm not sure this is the best situation for you. But that's up to you to decide what you're willing to tolerate. Speaking from experience, if you give so much in the beginning and are so understanding, he will know exactly how much you are willing to tolerate and take advantage of that. Good luck.
Well I want to let him know the next time we go out or talk via phone, email, or text that I am not gonna be his door mat. If he truly likes me like he says he does then he should be willing to tell her that he is dating again or at least has a female friend. But I am going to tread lightly right now and am going to see what the paternity test results are. But he has stated to me already that regardless of if the child is his or not, he wants to be there to raise the baby girl and I have no problem with that because he has been in 6mos of her life period and has made a bond with her.
Wow, sounds like he has enough drama for both of you. there are two sides to a pancake no matter how thin it is, becareful, the history you talked about that he has could be scary. Tread lightly. It sounds like you need to take care of you go about your life and see what happens then make your choices, a month is not a long relationship.
I am trying to take care of me like my best friend told me and not worry about him. I am in school for medicine. I like him and he has told me he likes me but at the same time, I am wondering if I should trust him. He has not done anything violent to any women, he workes in the law enforcement sector and he has a good heart, I know that first hand. I just do not want to be a 3rd wheel when it comes to his relationship with his potential baby mama and him.
Well it is admirable that he wants to stay part of the baby's life but here's the thing, if it turns out to be his, he will have to put boundaries on his relationship with his child's mother, if he chooses to keep you in his life. I don't think that it will be healthy for your relationship if he continues to spend time with his child and her at the same time. She obviously still harbors feelings for him and it will cause conflict between you and her if he isn't careful with how he handles that situation. If it isn't his child, I can see her using the child as a pawn to manipulate him. And basically, he will have no legal or parental rights to that baby. So either way, it's not going to be an easy road. You will have to see if this relationship is really worth all of this effort. A month is too short amount of time to determine that. I think he has to get his life in order first before bringing any one into it. Once it's straightened out on his end, then go in, but the way it is now, someone is bound to get hurt.
I am going to just hang out/date at his discretion and see what happens with the paternity test. I am just going to prepare myself for the best and worse senario and go from there. You are completely correct is that he is going to have to keep his distance from his ex if him and I are going to work out and I do believe she still likes him, but he says he does not care for her. But deep inside he may still care for her, that is what I am going to have to determine from him and his actions toward himself, me, and her.
It's interesting that he told you that he didn't want another relationship with drama, yet his life is drama. Ask yourself, do you really want to be involved with someone who cancelled a date with you, because ex mama is there. If he truly cared about you, he would had told her, "Unfortunately, I have plans for the evening and will talk to her or call her at a better time". That would have worked for me.
Although I can understand that you have strong feeling for him, but don't put yourself in a situation or relationship, where there is too much drama and you can end up being hurt. Also, you should'nt have to apologize to anyone for having text him and she had no business looking at his text message. Good luck and let us know how everything is coming along....Judy (Chicago)
Although I can understand that you have strong feeling for him, but don't put yourself in a situation or relationship, where there is too much drama and you can end up being hurt. Also, you should'nt have to apologize to anyone for having text him and she had no business looking at his text message. Good luck and let us know how everything is coming along....Judy (Chicago)
He is manipulating you. You said yourself, it was his cell, not hers, according to him he wants nothing to do with her as per a relationship goes, yet she was there all day. I am sorry to tell you this, but you are the third person and you know what they say about that! Threes a crowd. If I were you, I would cut my losses and run before you get any more caught up in his world. It is going to get ugly. From what I can c, he has already lied, by omission. Tell him to look you up when they get their deal settled, permanantly.
I will leave it up to him if he wants to reschedule for this weekend. Well it was wrong for him to do me the way he did but all is fine. I will just be casual and see how things progress and what his stance will be when he gets the paternity test back next month.
Well he is trying to divide his time between his ex and the baby and me. I do not want to monopolize his time and I stated that to him on the first date. He stated to me on May 12 that "he wants to be with me long term but wants to see as time goes on how we work out and that he likes what he sees in me and how we get along with each other. So with that said I do not want to mess us up by not giving him a chance to clear his life and situation.
Do you really want to bother having a relationship with a man that is still hugely involved with his ex? Why give yourself that unnessesary heart-ache and anger over feeling second-best. It seems to me he is more interested in his ex (might be a number of reasons like feeling guilty about ending the relationship, and wanting to be there for the baby) But whatever the reason, he is not being fair to you.
You should only ever expect a man you are in a relationship with to be devoted to you and you only (not his ex). Although devotion to his child is reasonable, but not like this - the ex so heavily involved in his relationship with the baby.
I don't think this will work out for you, I would get out of this sort of relationship if it were me.... just because I don't think he will change, he will still see the ex, and you don't know weather he is stringing you along and seeing you and her. Yes they may be split up, but he could still be sexually involved with her when he goes round her place.
You are setting yourself up for a relationship that will bring you jelousy and resentment.
And he is treating you badly.
Not a man for the keeping. You love him yes, but please see he is treating you badly.
You should only ever expect a man you are in a relationship with to be devoted to you and you only (not his ex). Although devotion to his child is reasonable, but not like this - the ex so heavily involved in his relationship with the baby.
I don't think this will work out for you, I would get out of this sort of relationship if it were me.... just because I don't think he will change, he will still see the ex, and you don't know weather he is stringing you along and seeing you and her. Yes they may be split up, but he could still be sexually involved with her when he goes round her place.
You are setting yourself up for a relationship that will bring you jelousy and resentment.
And he is treating you badly.
Not a man for the keeping. You love him yes, but please see he is treating you badly.
I would only add that if the ex is getting mad at him getting a message from another gal? She does not consider herself an ex. If he is taking up for her in this type of behavior, or making excuses for her? He is not an ex either. Still too much emotional baggage. If indeed she considered herself an ex, she would welcome you and congratulate him at meeting someone etc. Just my 2 cents. O course what do I know, I am just to old to understand these things I guess. Good luck whatever you decide.
It seems all that you know about him is what he will tell you, and maybe he is not telling all. luck jo
I am going to talk to him this weekend....at the urging of my friends and my peace of mind, I am only going to be causal with him. Friends and hanging out, if we are meant to date we will after the paternity test. I want to find out from him what he wants to do and if he is ready to move on. I will keep you all posted as to what occurs this weekend. I appreciate the help and advice, I am trying to keep calm as well as a clear head and not make any decisions until I talk to him. But I will let him know that I will not settle for being a 3rd wheel or manipulated and I will see if he stands by what I say or run. If he runs then I will know that he never cared from the get go. If he stands by my decision then I know he has so moral resolve to his character.
Why keep him around as a friend if he's been lying to you and manipulating you. You can't just fool yourself and think he can only be a friend when you have feelings for him. Let him go all together until he's serious about you and only you.
Oh I had so much to say but then Teko read my mind! He's still involved with this woman and that's why she got mad. He may not been "with" her, but I guarentee she thinks they are in the process of working things out. So of course she acts psycho, because she didn't get the message from him that he wants nothing to do with her. He's playing both of you.
I talked to him today. He told me that she still likes him and likes to always cause drama and lives on it along with her mother. He said that she has a habit of ruining all of his relationships. I told him that he is feeding into her drama by letting her come over to his home when she does not live there anymore. He stated to me he has been ingnoring her by not returning her phone calls and text. I stated to him that I should have not apologized for the text I sent him but I did because I felt bad about her seeing what I sent him on his phone, but he is an adult and she should have not been looking at his phone. He said that she is childish like that to check his phone and that she loves drama and is extremely jealous and that she has been trying to look me up on facebook and myspace to message me. I stated to him that I was being honest about my feeling for him and that I want to see how things progress with us. I am not an immature person and I will not stoop to her level and act and idiot and play mind games because she is. He said he was being honest and does not like drama and games either and that is why he spoke to her as well as was letting me know what is going on. He stated to her she has not chance of getting him back and that he is trying to move on with his personal life. Well I am taking it one day at a time and see what happens when he gets the paternity test.
If she has a habit or running all of his relationships...that's a warning sign right there that he either still have some feelings for her to permit her and I'm very proud of you for standing up to what is an uncomfortable situation. I am an anti-ex's in my relationship. If mother of a child, all he owes her is financial support and be a good father to his child, but that's it. Thanks for taking all our advise and putting them into action....Judy
You have a point he may be inhibiting her into ruining his future interests. He says he has no feelings because he told her she has no chance in getting back with him. I am just going to take it very slow and see what happens. I will continue taking your advice and just feeling him out via his words and actions and see if they add up to what he said to me today.
Well while he said he did not want to be with his ex and wanted to be with me because I was independent, intelligent, head strong, caring, ect. I guess he decided to be with his ex....because I have not heard from him since May 22 when we last talked and he said that his ex and potential baby mama was a jealous and breaks up all his friendships. I have not heard from him at all, he was suppose to get the paternity test results on last friday, so maybe those bummed him out but what the hell. He could have at least said hi...I am in a not so good place now or I think its best that I am with my ex to raise the child, ect. Be a man and state your decision. Well I do not know if I want to be his friend anymore...because of the silence, I do not want to be mean, but if he can't state how he is feeling then how are we suppose to communicate period regardless of the situation....friends, dating, ect, All I can do is pray for him and the turmoil in his life. But I am through with it....I can keep taking his word when his actions do not coincide with his words. Thanks for the advice ladies you were right even though I hate that you were.
So he wasn't the one for you... but so what, right? Good for you I say, that you saw his true colours in the end.
You have been wise to allow *him* to make the move, if indeed he was ever going to, and you not making any moves to contact him has shown you what he really is.
It's a credit to you that you've ignored him back, and his ignorance towards you has shown you the red flag you needed to see - that his baby mama is number 1. He is a jerk, he will allow himself to plod along with his psycho ex, ruining his chance of happiness, well tuff-titty!! he has himself to blame, he refuses to accept he has choices in life - the choice to move on from her, but he wont. You are better off without him Hun. Don't think about him anymore.
You have been wise to allow *him* to make the move, if indeed he was ever going to, and you not making any moves to contact him has shown you what he really is.
It's a credit to you that you've ignored him back, and his ignorance towards you has shown you the red flag you needed to see - that his baby mama is number 1. He is a jerk, he will allow himself to plod along with his psycho ex, ruining his chance of happiness, well tuff-titty!! he has himself to blame, he refuses to accept he has choices in life - the choice to move on from her, but he wont. You are better off without him Hun. Don't think about him anymore.
Don't look at it so negatively. He did you a favor. Now you don't have to spend months or years of your life mixed up in this triangle. I honestly don't think it was truly over between them but at least you were able to see him for what he was and you don't have to deal with that headache anymore. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.
I spoke to quick lol. Guess who contacted me early this morning, that is right he did. I was surprised as hell, what the f*&^%$# hell. I had not spoke to him since May 22 and then he decided to contact me today. Well he said the reason he did not contact me was because, one he got a new cell phone and he did not update it with my info and two that he work schedule had be changed and the energy reactor plant he works at. I know his schedule can change on a dime from experience but he would usually contact me. I just took what he said for a grain of salt, he asked me to see him for lunch today so I did. But I am trying to keep it platonic and not get over involved with him. He has a baby mama and I believe he is carring a torch for her even though he says he does not. If he likes and cares about me like he says he does, he could have found a way to contact me even though he was going through all these life changes. I like him and he says that he likes me, but I am not going to let that cloud my judgement. He asked me out this weekend, I stated to him that I will have to see how my schedule turns out. I am going to toss him the same **** he has to me. I will keep you ladies posted on what happens.
Cut him loose completely. He's going to give you just enough hope to keep you around. You're not in a position to be friends with him right now- the emotional attachment is too strong for you to keep it platonic. He's playing games with you and you may think you can play it just as well, but you can't.
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