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Is my boyfriend still inlove with his ex?
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Is my boyfriend still inlove with his ex?

My boyfriend of 2 years has been divorced from his ex wife for 9 years. I sometimes feel like he still isnt over his divorce. About a year ago he posted on his facebook " wow today makes 8 years that ive been divorced, its funny how things workout". He was already in a relationship with me so why is he sitting there posting this like he's still so dissapointed about their relationship ending? He is also a quiet person, he rarely makes convesations with me but around his ex they just talk and talk. I feel like im not even there because he doesnt acknowledge me that much. She is now remarried so ive asked him if he had the opportunity, would he try to get back with her and he gets so upset and deffensive. Sometimes when im upset i make rude comments about her and he also gets upset. We are suppose to be getting married next year but i need to know if he still has feelings for her. I cant stand the thought that he might really want to be with her and he is just settling for me because we had an unplanned pregnancy and now have a daughter together. Please help!!!
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1673324_tn?1304461766
Hi I'm wondering why did the marriage fail, was it mutual or one of them wanting out?
By the sounds of it you have a reason to be concerned not only for your thoughts on your boyfriends ex but your obviously not to confident in your relationship.  Having a child together is not a safe bet to get married on. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditional, I was married with two babies and thought I had it all till I lost it. I now have a husband that loves me more that I've ever known possible. And i realize now that my past love was not love at all. for yourself and your daughter you need to 100% satisfied with your relationship and your thoughts on it because if your insecure your relationship will not last. I'm sorry if your not happy with my message but I'll I'm asking is you be true to yourself and what you believe, our gut instinct are usually correct. Good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
He's never really talked about what happened between them two but i did hear him tell a friend that she left and not long after that he got the divorce papers out of no where. So I dont think he really expected to get divorced and I feel like he took it really hard and mmight not be over it completely. I appreciate your comment because I value other peoples honesty and oppinions, so thank you. I am very insecure about my relationship because I know that Ilove him and want to be with him but I just dont feel like he's the right person for. I want the person that i marry to be my best friend, someone that I can talk to about anything. Most of the time when I do try to open up to him he doesnt have much to say. We go out to lunch or dinner and we're just sitting across from eachother and not really talking to eachother but yet when his ex is around he just cant stop talking. He swears that he wants to marry me but why does he not show much interest in what i have to say. He is 10 years older than me so sometimes he says that we just dont have anything in common. Can 2 totally different people really make a relationship work?
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Avatar_m_tn
Just for the sake of things, I'd suggest not making any rude comments about her.  Really, there is no use and you are going to illicit a response.  What you'd like to hear from him is that there is no chance that he'd get back together with her, and with her already being remarried, that chance is far slimmer now.  Her moving on is key.  

Of course you want some clarification from him.  I understand that.  Do they share any children?  Could that be the possibility of them corresponding?  My parents divorced when I was 4 years old.  They remained friends (most of the time) until my fathers death.  My dad remarried but my mother never did.  My dads subsequent wives new about the relationship with my mother, and that there were obviously kids involved.... it was not much of a problem, at least on the surface or that I was aware of.

Perhaps a bit of couples counseling might help.  You'd be able to voice your concerns, he his opinions, both in a neutral environment.  Getting married is a big deal, no doubt.  We all want to be sure that the ones we marry are the right ones.  Not that therapy is a solution, but it could open a lot of doors and put closure to a lot of things.  Also, therapy may give you the assuredness that you are looking for.  He may be ready to move on, but maybe not completely over it.  He may have some trust issues, in other words. (It sounds like his divorce came out of nowhere for him, so I could see his being a bit insecure as well.)

You folks have time.... do it right.  Have some sessions in couples therapy... allow him to open up and relax about the situation a bit.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Sometimes I just make those comments because it bothers me of how protective he is of her and when he gets upset i feel like he's taking her side. I personally have nothing against her im just upset that he is a different person around her. He smiles more, he makes jokes and is alot nicer but around me and my family he's rude and quiet. They do have children together and I understand they have to have some kind of relationship but why does he change his personality completely around her? I have suggested therapy but like i said he's quiet and doesntt feel that talking to a stranger can help us with our problem. Another we are having is with our kids. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has 2 children from his ex wife. My child is only 4 his are 10 and 13. He makes comments about how is kids are so well behaved and they never behaved like my kids. His kids sometimes come on the weekend and when I point out to him that they made a mess or did something wrong he gets so offended and starts assuming that i dont like his kids or some times if theres a mess or something broken he blames my kid and we find out it was his kid and its not a big deal anymore. Why does he act like his kids are so perfect and mine isnt? He doesnt mistreat my son but I dont think he is ever going to treat him or love him like he does his own kids. Should I just give up on him and leave him?
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, I don't know if it's fair for him to behave the way he does around your family.  And concerning the kids.... this is tricky, as any parent would be offended if someone "thought" differently of their children.  He could probably make a better effort with your child, and on the same token... it's probably not necessary to point out when his kids make a mess either.  (In my family, there was my sister and I and my step monster had 2 daughters.... my dad almost always thought more of us, and my step monster more of her kids....)  Honestly, my kids are flawless.... LOL, well, in my eyes at least.  And you did mention that he is not mistreating your son.... there's the plus your looking for in that equation.

About therapy.... I was just like him.  I didn't think for a second a 3rd party could be of any help.  Worse than that, I saw therapy as some kind of weakness (being the stud I thought I was).  As it turns out, therapy probably saved my relationship and helped me with the over all majority of my personal issues.  The thing with therapy is, he has to be willing to go.  You cannot make him.... it doesn't work that way.  It's also important to know that all relationships have to have some compromises.  Its important for him to know this too.

You have to be willing to talk to him, and it seems like you're there.  He has to be willing to talk to you.  Here's the clicker though.... communication!  Communication requires listening too.  Not just hearing, but listening and asking for clarification if one is unsure of what was just said.  Communication is the key!  Communication requires talking skills, listening skills, and a bit of compassion for the other parties view.  When you top that off with compromise and understanding, you now have communication.

I'm only getting your side of the story (I am not a doctor by the way, so professional help is where you'd go.  I'm just offering my experience and opinion.) and there is always two sides.  From your side, it does seem as if he is still somewhat favorable to the ex.  I'd suggest on his behalf that having children with someone makes a bond.  Some people can cut clear of that bond easily and move on, and some hold on to it.  With her moving on and remarrying, it would seem easier for him to do the same.

I think it is all worth trying for, but you get to draw the line on where to quit trying.  He has to be willing to do his part as well.  No relationship is supposed to be one sided.  You're in a pickle.... but it will work out for the best in the long run.  Look at that last statement long enough and it will make a bit more sense.  (Would he be willing to talk to me on this thing?  It's completely anonymous....?)
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Avatar_f_tn
About the kids part I understand that he is always going to see my child differently than his own kids I would just like him to make it less obvious so that my child doesnt feel so left out. I feel that if he keeps with this behavior of favoring his kids that it is going to cause anger in my child that is going to affect him in the futer. I dont want my child to grow up angry or feel like he wasnt loved as much as the other kids were and I know that is always a possibilty in children with different fathers than their siblings. Oh and the reason I bring up to him the things that his kids do is because I dont like getting mad at them or telling them what to do because I feel like they might think "why is this women telling me what to do when she is not my mother". They are already old enough to  be cleaning after themselves and I feel like he should help me inforce that but he doesnt. He gets upset and cleans the mess up himself.

About him getting on here and speaking with you, I'm not too sure about that because he is a very private person and he hates it if I try to tell our problems to other people. I don't have anyone to talk to that's why im here but I have not told him I have been on this  site getting advise because he probablly wouldnt be very happy about it, especially if he see's how honest and detailed ive been. Well maybe since it is anonymous he might not mind so much. I can give it a try im just worried he might be upset because I brought up his ex and their children. I just feel that if I'm going to be a part of his family and share a home with him then I need to have some sort of control of this relationship and I want to try and work on our problems because I believe that with some communication and compromising we can make this work. We don't even have serious problems, we dont cheat on eachother or he isnt abusive. We just have serious communication problems and I really hope he considers counseling because I believe getting a 3rd persons professional oppinion will really open his eyes, or atleast i hope :)
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh and about the joke you made about your kids being flawless did you really feel that way? My bf acts like his kids are perfect and sometimes when they do something wrong and we didnt witness it then he automatically assumes it was my son. And about your step mom and your dad thinking more of their own kids, is that the way you think it should be? I'm wondering if I should give upon my bf trying to love my son as is own or if one day that might be possible. I have this fantasy in my head that one day my son is going to see my bf as his father and he is going to love and respect him as a father but I feel that if bf keeps competeing them against eachother or acting like his kids deserve more then that is never going to happen.
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1673324_tn?1304461766
I think you are very wise and trying to be understanding of his children,  Your son needs all the encouragement and love from your bf as well, at his young age it can affect him greatly by either lashing out or damaging his confidence. No child is perfect and if a parent thinks one is, then they are in denial and i can almost promise there is someone that does not agree.
have you ever spoken with his ex?  And what do your parents think of the situation? Does your son see much of his father or is your bf  his roll model?
My thoughts on extended families and how i deal with it myself is, my relationship with my husband is my priority because if im not happy with him or our mutual decisions im not happy in general and how can i be the best mother to my children if im not happy.
dont get me wrong my children's safety and well being is not to be compromised , its just my husband is my partner in life and we have to be on the same page and looking in the right direction to move forward everyday and give the kids nothing less then what they deserve and thats showing them how to respect other people, what is not expectable in terms of behaviour and unlimited love and support that they know they can rely on us in any situation. Being consistent with your parenting is very very important.
As children grow their needs change and you face different challenges, but if the parents don't agree with the manner to handle situations there is going to be big problems.
I know most men would not like their problems told to anyone including strangers, so i dont think its best to show him this site, unless you are prepared for him to go nuts and not be happy with you, or to really see if his worth working things out with depending on his reaction.
my fear for you is that you think you have no other option, as you have a son and now a daughter to your BF.
i have a girlfriend thats partner left her after their triplets came home from hospital they also had a 1 year old. So 4 babies under 18 month, i thought **** this poor girl. but you know what she met someone with kids of his own and now they are happier then most same parent families.  To many people settle for less then perfect,  perfect being what your needs wants and expectations are. Your young your children need you to be happy you deserve to be happy and 100% confident in your relationship with your bf. Talk to him tell him your concerns, love is not only looking into each others eyes but looking in the same direction in life.
good luck x

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