Lost in my own Hope! Help!

[Neima_hope]

Hello, im here trying to get some advise honest one. Okay I been dating my BF for 10years we live together, 4years ago I made a mistake that ruined my life my future and took my happiness away. I cheated on my bf, it was one time thing I was 24years old young and confused on what I really wanted in life. At that moment I try to break up with my bf but he refuse to split. I wanted to be wild and free to go out and enjoy life with friends. Me getting out of control lasted 5months and in that time I cheated (one time). when my bf found out my world changed I changed, I wish I knew then what I know now, I wish I was more wiser and my life would of turn out different. We got back together but he never really forgave me, now we are back to square one. He goes in to this dark mentality that he needs to get away from me to be happy, (its easier said than done) now im here lost in words not knowing what to do. I been thinking just breaking up but my heart hurts so much. I wish he was sure of his love for me like before, he wont marry me or kids don’t even come in the subject. I guess im the only one holding tight and don’t want to let go.  

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I'm sorry you are hurting.  Your pain is intertwined with your written words.  Some couples DO recover from cheating.  As long as he WANTS to, he can do it.  I would ask him if he really wants this to work.  

The hard thing about being the person that was cheated on is that you HAVE to give up punishing your partner at some point.  You HAVE to forgive.  It takes time but it CAN be done.  But it will only happen if he really wants it to.  So, you need to know if he does.

And if he does---  and is having trouble moving past it, would he consider a therapist to talk to as a couple?  

Can you also ask him WHAT would make him know how committed you are and what a huge mistake this was?  

I don't want you to feel like you have to be his slave and prove you love him by being the perfect partner for the rest of your life.  Because that puts him in a place of authority and control.  You two need to be equals.

So, forgive yourself!  Understand that you had weakness and made a mistake.  It does not define you or make who you are.  Make sure he knows this and stand up for yourself in this regard.  LOVE yourself.  

good luck and hugs hon.  Let me know how it goes, okay?  

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, betrayal is probably the most difficult wrong to forgive and more for men i believe. He has mental pictures of you having sex with someone else. If he can get rid of the mind pictures there is a chance he will forgive you.
Short of hypnosis or the aging process, hes not likely to let them go.

[Neima_hope]

I also want to add then after that even I change completely. I try my best to please him from cooking, cleaning, washing, been there when he needs me in anything. I gave my self to 110% and what do I get in return? nothing, I feel like I don’t have the right to demand anything from him. idk I need a reality check. :'{