Aa
Marriage
I've been married for over 1yr now and my wife hasn't changed her last name. She has some overdue bill to pay that is keeping her from getting her drivers license and she wants to pay off the bill and change name all at once. I've even given her the money to pay the bill but she hasn't. Should I be upset about this or am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Did she legally take your name when you wed? Then, her last name is really your last name, so what that paper says shouldn't really matter. I'd just let it slide. It may be that she is adjusting to the name change and married life, too, and not taking money from you to pay this is her way of maintaining some independence. I can't blame her for wanting to wait to change her name until she pays that bill to get her license, though. It's a pain to go through everything from what my friend's described. Doing it all at once sounds much better than a little here and a little there.
I'm sorry I don't understand. The conversation has been had multiple times now and it's like she doesn't care. No documentation has been changed to my last name one her Facebook account, and her independence, there is no independence in marriage that why two becomes one. Yes i understand that we arw still two separate people but there is no independence in marriage. Sure she wants to wait to pay the bill to change her name, she taken trips that cost the same amount to change her name, so when i have the extra money to help her change it because its important to me it seems like I'm asking too much.
Over a year after marriage, your wife's behavior in this matter is puzzling, and your feelings are understandable. Unless I'm missing something, I don't see what paying off an old bill has to do with her name change. Don't name changes happen at the same time as marriage certificates? Of course, some women do keep their former last names after marriage, and I even know of cases where the husband takes the last name of his wife. The fact that you've given your wife the money to pay off the bill and she hasn't is more puzzling. Instead of moving forward in marriage, she seems tied to keeping things as they were. Hopefully, you can find out why.
"Yes i understand that we arw still two separate people but there is no independence in marriage."
Of course there is independence in marriage. There should be anyway.
If this bothers you, then you need to talk to her about it. Maybe she prefers to keep her maiden name, but isn't really sure how to tell you that?
I agree that the bill thing sounds more like an excuse? Unless it's something like an old school loan, or a mortgage...something where your assets would be considered, but that should be the case regardless of what name she is using.
Of course there is independence in marriage. There should be anyway.
If this bothers you, then you need to talk to her about it. Maybe she prefers to keep her maiden name, but isn't really sure how to tell you that?
I agree that the bill thing sounds more like an excuse? Unless it's something like an old school loan, or a mortgage...something where your assets would be considered, but that should be the case regardless of what name she is using.
She already knew I wanted her to have my last name. Take a lool at my other post and see of this ties in, in your opinion
Hey I'm married but I told my husband I want to keep my last name and I dont wanna changed it and he said ' I want you to changed it but if u really don't want to no big dell' ' so I don't think that's a big dell . maybe she wants to keep her so let her don't make it a big dell pls there is a lot to worry about in married this it shouldn't be an issue!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ha, guess what? I didn't change my name right away either. I was a career woman, established in life financially, with my own mortgage, bank accounts, etc. I kept my maiden name and changed nothing for a full year. On my one year anniversary, that was a gift I gave to my husband. We laughed at it. It's a pain in the butt to change one's name on everything. I had a checking account until just a couple of years that was in my maiden name and I never changed my original house deed to my married name -- we sold it as if I were a single woman. You have to go and prove your name change--- it honestly was a hassle. I did it . . . but it was a process for me.
And for a bit, I wasn't that motivated. it was hard to change my name professionally. But I did and all got used to it. Now, years--- and I mean years later . . . it's as if that maiden name never existed. But when you go through life established with a name, it's hard to change.
And this had NOTHING to do with my husband. I actually wanted to take his name . . . but it just wasn't easy.
good luck
And for a bit, I wasn't that motivated. it was hard to change my name professionally. But I did and all got used to it. Now, years--- and I mean years later . . . it's as if that maiden name never existed. But when you go through life established with a name, it's hard to change.
And this had NOTHING to do with my husband. I actually wanted to take his name . . . but it just wasn't easy.
good luck
I was thrilled to change my last name when I got married. I had a bad last name, and anytime I had to give my name to register for something there were jokes, haha, and I married into a name that anyone can spell and pronounce and no one makes fun of it, ever. What an incredible relief.
Ston3, did you not talk about this at all before you got married? And now, do you talk about it at all why she won't take your last name when you thought she would?
Ston3, did you not talk about this at all before you got married? And now, do you talk about it at all why she won't take your last name when you thought she would?
"She already knew I wanted her to have my last name."
But did you ever ask what she wants? If you've made it clear to her what you want and it was an open-shut case to you, she may not feel she can tell you what she really wants except through actions. What was she telling you on the matter before marriage? Sounds like you two really need to have a talk. We can guess what she's thinking or feeling, but ultimately, we're not her. We can't figure out what's really going on in her head. Only she can know that 100% for certain and tell you.
But did you ever ask what she wants? If you've made it clear to her what you want and it was an open-shut case to you, she may not feel she can tell you what she really wants except through actions. What was she telling you on the matter before marriage? Sounds like you two really need to have a talk. We can guess what she's thinking or feeling, but ultimately, we're not her. We can't figure out what's really going on in her head. Only she can know that 100% for certain and tell you.
She said she'll change it once she pays the bill she has to pay, which is really an overdue parking ticket. She says she'll pay it with tax returns this year is what sbe said a few months back. So i thought it can be any harm to give her the money
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, help come up with the money for the ticket OR wait until she gets that tax return--- perhaps you help her pay early if you don't want to wait until the return. She told you when she'll change it. Give her a chance to do it. After 15 years of marriage, that year of keeping my own name is really not a big deal. My husband was a little bothered he told me eventually that I didn't change right away and again, I reassured him that it had nothing to do with my desire to be Mrs. So and So. It was more out of convenience and getting the time to change it. In her mind, she doesn't want to prove who she is maybe when she pays the ticket. Not sure why . . . have you asked her this?
But bottom line is she is telling you that she WiLL change it once that ticket is paid. So, either help her pay it early, let her pay it when she planned to and don't nag her until it gets paid and then see what she does. If she doesn't change it then, you have a problem. But 'then' isn't very far away so wait. good luck
But bottom line is she is telling you that she WiLL change it once that ticket is paid. So, either help her pay it early, let her pay it when she planned to and don't nag her until it gets paid and then see what she does. If she doesn't change it then, you have a problem. But 'then' isn't very far away so wait. good luck
That's why i gave her the money to change it. That's what this whole thing is about she has the money to change it she just is nit paying the tickect. The check i wrote her 2wks ago is still sitting in the same place. Look I understand that females and sometimes males are giving up who they become over their life until marriage with the name change but honestly once you get married your no longer your own self. Why do you think people say where's your other half? Look I maybe old school but it really does mean a lot too me and I'm trying to see it from a female's point a view. This is not what I envisioned when we got married. I waited one whole year and have been pretty much ok but there comea a point in my point of view as either your going to do something or you're not no matter how one feels.
Well, considering that you've offered, several times to pay the ticker for her to facilitate her changing her name, and she refuses to do it, I'd say that there's more to it...she either just doesn't want to, isn't sure she wants to, or there may be something else stopping her, not sure.
'
The only thing you can do at this point is communicate to her (not in a mean or demanding way) that it's very important to you and that you would REALLY like her to take your name. Perhaps you've been unrelenting about this, to the point where she's playing hard ball and not doing it? If that's a possibility, then I would advise laying off of it for a while, then revisit it in a few months, in a nice, no pressure kind of way.
'
The only thing you can do at this point is communicate to her (not in a mean or demanding way) that it's very important to you and that you would REALLY like her to take your name. Perhaps you've been unrelenting about this, to the point where she's playing hard ball and not doing it? If that's a possibility, then I would advise laying off of it for a while, then revisit it in a few months, in a nice, no pressure kind of way.
Well since she didn't touch the check i wrote for her 2wks ago i picked it up. I'll wait for her tax return since that is when she said she would take care all of this. If it comes and goes then so be it, at least I'll be able to say I gave you the money to take carw of it and also the time frame in which YOU SAID YOU WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT. Then it's explanation time.
Sounds like a good idea unless waiting that time and then having her not actually go do it will make you approach her in a way that makes her feel like she's being cornered and attacked for a lie. You won't get genuine answers then and could possibly cause some huge issues. So, during this time, genuinely let it be even with yourself. Sitting and stewing will make it more likely to be an approach in a way you may not intend.
She needs to feel your concern and genuine desire to know why she isn't doing this in order for you to get honest, to-the-point answers.
She needs to feel your concern and genuine desire to know why she isn't doing this in order for you to get honest, to-the-point answers.
Honestly I am just going to take it how it is until then. If it doesn't happen when she says it would I really have to know what the real issue is, I dont know if I'll be able to bebsift about the situation. In no way will it be in a harsh wasy but that means you've lied about something which wouldn't be the first time. At some point in time she's gotta be real. As a husband I think I've been more than accommodating in the whole situation I've brought it to ger attention on multiple times how its making me feel and even tried to pay it. How do you think that makes me feel?
I def think there's a bigger issue...something she's afraid to tell you, or something. Could not imagine what that would be, but something seems very very off.
I hope you get to the bottom of it.....as the bigger issue then would be the dishonesty, not the name.
I hope you get to the bottom of it.....as the bigger issue then would be the dishonesty, not the name.
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