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My boyfriend is addicted to porn
hello everyone i've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and i do love with all my heart i can't imagine my life without him, but he's addicted to porn he admitted to me that he watches it and he tells me when he does when i ask him i don't like it i have told how it makes me feel like he thinks that i'm not attractive enough for him and makes me feel like he's not satisfied with being with me and how it lowers my selfasteam. i have even told him that its either the porn or me, and told him that if he really loves me like he says he does then he would stop looking at it because he knows how it makes me feel and cry but it seems like he thinks that i'm joking and can care less when i try talking to him about it. How can i get my boyfriend to stop looking at porn without leaving him?????? Thank you all
The problem is this.. over time the viewing of porn alters the brains chemistry .. men who masturbate regularly (one or more times a day) have difficulty achieving orgasm with their partner in a "real" sex situation.. and most men are not gonna lay down and take one for the team just to plz the woman.. thus the relationship suffers.. no intimacy = no relationship.. so it isn't just the effect on our self esteem.. women need physical intimacy just as men do so when a man would rather have his hand than his wife/partner its a problem.. if the porn doesn't take the place of your partner than it isn't such a problem..
thanks but yeah he is the right guy for me i know that i'm sorry if i came across as if he controls me but he doesn't he never hit me except when we wrestle around but we only play around since i have been with him he has never like seriously yelled at me he doesn't go out and spend all his money on me and thats not what i waant but its the little things that he does that i love about him like helping me make dinner i've never had a guy help me do that or help me clean up or taking me to cut down our own christmas tree or brushing my hair at night stupid things that he does i don't know how to explain it i don't know i'll try and explain it he's a country boy who's in the military and i like that about him cuz usually country boys and military guys are raised right and have a good head on their shoulders i don't know ifthis is making any sense to you i just know i've been with alot of losers in the past and yes ive learned every time my bf yeah he does stupid little things i'd rather him not but nobody's perfect if i would ever leave him yeah i have thought about it the day we started dating i told him straight out if he ever hit me my kids became an druggy or acholic or cheated i'm gone it would be over but he doesn't drink really never to get drunk he wouldn't even drink ONE beer if he's driving he doesn't do drugs and i know he would never cheat on me i've asked his friends and family if he has ever cheated on his other gf and they said no his cousin even told me he has never heard from him anything but good i don't think we need any counceling i just need to relax and stop worrying that something is going to go wrong and stop letting little things bother me i think i answered all your questions sorry about the rambling thats just me but thank you very much
Hi Lilangelaiden,
I'll say something more appropriate and helpful in moment, but first - Specialmom and Teko, I hope you read Lilangelaiden's last post. I wasn't making up what I said to justify my own taste for porn or to put down people who don't like it; I was giving my honest opinion and trying to help. And Ashelen, I'm not saying for a second that a guy can't stop watching porn if he wants to; but the vast majority of guys see nothing wrong with watching it, and for that reason have no desire to stop. I don't think a woman should put up with having porn rubbed in her face if she doesn't like it and certainly has every right to ask not to see it, but I think demanding that her partner drop the interest altogether is both unreasonable and almost certainly futile.
In all seriousness, I do think that when people object to porn (unless they're religious, which is a whole new area I won't discuss because I'll only offend peope to no purpose) it is almost always down to insecurity or a sense of degradation. And don't misunderstand me, I can certainly understand that! The fact that I watch porn does not for a second mean that I would ever even consider being involved in it, and there are in fact some types of porn I won't watch because I find them distasteful.
In Lilangelaiden's case she has said herself that she is scared of losing her boyfriend. Now Specialmom, I know from your comment about being "desperate for a man" that you won't like this; but in this case Lilangelaiden DOES want to stay involved with THIS PARTICULAR MAN (not just "man", hypothetical). This being the case, I think feminist lectures are not going to achieve a lot at this point and won't change her fear, and that therefore FOR THIS SPECIFIC ISSUE Lilangelaiden is right to accept something about her boyfriend that she's not thrilled with - because her objection is based on irrational self-dount, and does not in fact have anything to do with the porn in itself. By allowing her insecurity to get the better of her, she is in fact creating an issue that could become big enough to drive them apart. Please note I am carefully NOT saying that anything this guy wants to do should be allowed - I would never advocate becoming a doormat for anyone.
What does need to be looked at, Lilangelaiden, is your obvious issues with self esteem. By the sound of it you've had bad experiences with men in the past; this can happen to anyone, but if you allow it to affect your self-worth you can end up thinking you deserve no better, and from there it becomes a vicious circle. In your last post you're giving this man a worrying amount of credit and power over you; for all I know he could be a wonderful man, but you credit him with pulling you out of depression after your son died (about which I was very sorry to hear - that's about the most awful thing I can think of that anyone would ever have to deal with). The truth is that the only person who can pull you out of depression is yourself; don't get me wrong, other people can help - but they can't reach into your brain and change your thought-patterns. So in this instance you are crediting him with an achievement that really was due to your own strength - and it is an achievement.
Throughout everything you've said, it sounds to me like the relationship is entirely in your boyfriend's hands - you fret about him leaving you, but I suspect you haven't even considered leaving him. Think about it honestly; is there anything he could do that would make you pack up, leave, and sever all ties with him permanently? I love my boyfriend and can't imagine how I'd cope if I lost him, but that doesn't mean he's infallible; if he hit me, for instance (not that he would), that would be a deal-breaker, end of story. But the thing is, because I would never accept treatment like that from a partner, no one's ever tried it - I'm not attracted to the kind of guy who would do that (and there is a type), and conversely guys like that would not be attracted to me simply because it's clear to anyone who's ever met me that I wouldn't put up with it.
Don't get me wrong, I've been with my share of losers (it's always a learning curve) and sometimes I've been hurt - an amphetamine addict when I was 18 and too naive to spot it, and a serial cheat a couple of years later spring to mind. But rather than consider that to be acceptable or that I "deserve" it, I've become more discerning, more demanding and more aware of my own worth. Because I wouldn't settle for a partner who wasn't honest, intelligent, responsible, loving, patient, humorous, successful and (let's face it) good-looking, that's exactly what I've got. I've never written a list or made these demands openly, but people can read you better than you realise (although it'll be mostly unconscious on their part), and you really do get what you think you deserve.
The flipside to this is that if - deep down - you believe you deserve nothing better than an abusive, emotionally detached cheat, then I promise you that the abusive, emotionally detached cheats can read that, see exactly what they want (ie, someone who'll roll over and take it), and move in.
For this reason, I'm moved to ask if - aside from the porn - your current boyfriend is really as wonderful as you think. Consider it honestly; if he stopped looking at porn, would that make you completely happy? Or are there other issues that make you feel unhappy or insecure? Despite everything I've said about the porn itself not being the issue, I do think his refusal to take your feelings seriously IS a problem. I don't think it was reasonable for you to demand that he stop watching it, but at the same time your strength of feeling should have prompted him to talk it over with you, reassure you and try to make you understand that it's not a reflection on you - in short, you shouldn't have needed to ask the opinions of strangers on a forum. Is there anything else he does that makes you unhappy? If so, can you talk openly with him about that?
Your last statement "it's better to take a guy's advice" worries me. I hope you just mean that a male perspective on a male's actions are more relevant than an outside, female perpective ... but I have a horrible suspicion that you're in the habit of being ruled by men's opinions (this is nothing against Westguy, by the way - you'll see above that I agreed with him). Again, you're the only one who knows the answer to this, and you need to think very hard and be as honest as you can about it.
If you do think things through and decide that your insecurity is a bigger issue than just the porn (and I think if you're honest you'll find it is), then please find a counsillor who can help you to get a more balanced perspective on your own needs and what you have the right to expect.
Send me a message if any of this doesn't make sense; I'm trying to get al lot of points across in as short a message as possible! Best wishes, anyway - we're all thinking of you and hoping your boyfriend really is good enough for you. xx
I'll say something more appropriate and helpful in moment, but first - Specialmom and Teko, I hope you read Lilangelaiden's last post. I wasn't making up what I said to justify my own taste for porn or to put down people who don't like it; I was giving my honest opinion and trying to help. And Ashelen, I'm not saying for a second that a guy can't stop watching porn if he wants to; but the vast majority of guys see nothing wrong with watching it, and for that reason have no desire to stop. I don't think a woman should put up with having porn rubbed in her face if she doesn't like it and certainly has every right to ask not to see it, but I think demanding that her partner drop the interest altogether is both unreasonable and almost certainly futile.
In all seriousness, I do think that when people object to porn (unless they're religious, which is a whole new area I won't discuss because I'll only offend peope to no purpose) it is almost always down to insecurity or a sense of degradation. And don't misunderstand me, I can certainly understand that! The fact that I watch porn does not for a second mean that I would ever even consider being involved in it, and there are in fact some types of porn I won't watch because I find them distasteful.
In Lilangelaiden's case she has said herself that she is scared of losing her boyfriend. Now Specialmom, I know from your comment about being "desperate for a man" that you won't like this; but in this case Lilangelaiden DOES want to stay involved with THIS PARTICULAR MAN (not just "man", hypothetical). This being the case, I think feminist lectures are not going to achieve a lot at this point and won't change her fear, and that therefore FOR THIS SPECIFIC ISSUE Lilangelaiden is right to accept something about her boyfriend that she's not thrilled with - because her objection is based on irrational self-dount, and does not in fact have anything to do with the porn in itself. By allowing her insecurity to get the better of her, she is in fact creating an issue that could become big enough to drive them apart. Please note I am carefully NOT saying that anything this guy wants to do should be allowed - I would never advocate becoming a doormat for anyone.
What does need to be looked at, Lilangelaiden, is your obvious issues with self esteem. By the sound of it you've had bad experiences with men in the past; this can happen to anyone, but if you allow it to affect your self-worth you can end up thinking you deserve no better, and from there it becomes a vicious circle. In your last post you're giving this man a worrying amount of credit and power over you; for all I know he could be a wonderful man, but you credit him with pulling you out of depression after your son died (about which I was very sorry to hear - that's about the most awful thing I can think of that anyone would ever have to deal with). The truth is that the only person who can pull you out of depression is yourself; don't get me wrong, other people can help - but they can't reach into your brain and change your thought-patterns. So in this instance you are crediting him with an achievement that really was due to your own strength - and it is an achievement.
Throughout everything you've said, it sounds to me like the relationship is entirely in your boyfriend's hands - you fret about him leaving you, but I suspect you haven't even considered leaving him. Think about it honestly; is there anything he could do that would make you pack up, leave, and sever all ties with him permanently? I love my boyfriend and can't imagine how I'd cope if I lost him, but that doesn't mean he's infallible; if he hit me, for instance (not that he would), that would be a deal-breaker, end of story. But the thing is, because I would never accept treatment like that from a partner, no one's ever tried it - I'm not attracted to the kind of guy who would do that (and there is a type), and conversely guys like that would not be attracted to me simply because it's clear to anyone who's ever met me that I wouldn't put up with it.
Don't get me wrong, I've been with my share of losers (it's always a learning curve) and sometimes I've been hurt - an amphetamine addict when I was 18 and too naive to spot it, and a serial cheat a couple of years later spring to mind. But rather than consider that to be acceptable or that I "deserve" it, I've become more discerning, more demanding and more aware of my own worth. Because I wouldn't settle for a partner who wasn't honest, intelligent, responsible, loving, patient, humorous, successful and (let's face it) good-looking, that's exactly what I've got. I've never written a list or made these demands openly, but people can read you better than you realise (although it'll be mostly unconscious on their part), and you really do get what you think you deserve.
The flipside to this is that if - deep down - you believe you deserve nothing better than an abusive, emotionally detached cheat, then I promise you that the abusive, emotionally detached cheats can read that, see exactly what they want (ie, someone who'll roll over and take it), and move in.
For this reason, I'm moved to ask if - aside from the porn - your current boyfriend is really as wonderful as you think. Consider it honestly; if he stopped looking at porn, would that make you completely happy? Or are there other issues that make you feel unhappy or insecure? Despite everything I've said about the porn itself not being the issue, I do think his refusal to take your feelings seriously IS a problem. I don't think it was reasonable for you to demand that he stop watching it, but at the same time your strength of feeling should have prompted him to talk it over with you, reassure you and try to make you understand that it's not a reflection on you - in short, you shouldn't have needed to ask the opinions of strangers on a forum. Is there anything else he does that makes you unhappy? If so, can you talk openly with him about that?
Your last statement "it's better to take a guy's advice" worries me. I hope you just mean that a male perspective on a male's actions are more relevant than an outside, female perpective ... but I have a horrible suspicion that you're in the habit of being ruled by men's opinions (this is nothing against Westguy, by the way - you'll see above that I agreed with him). Again, you're the only one who knows the answer to this, and you need to think very hard and be as honest as you can about it.
If you do think things through and decide that your insecurity is a bigger issue than just the porn (and I think if you're honest you'll find it is), then please find a counsillor who can help you to get a more balanced perspective on your own needs and what you have the right to expect.
Send me a message if any of this doesn't make sense; I'm trying to get al lot of points across in as short a message as possible! Best wishes, anyway - we're all thinking of you and hoping your boyfriend really is good enough for you. xx
thank you everyone for your opinions but i think that i have to agree with westguy he is right thinking about it i am insecure and after thinking about it for awhile i can tell you why i am all my boyfriends i have been with put me down soo bad or cheated on me or used me for sex and worse if you know what i mean. i don't even want to say it but this guy is best thing that has ever happened to me he is my best friend and i am just sooo afraid of him finding someone else he pulled me out of my depression after my son passed away when i met him so yeah it is that i am insecure i am not going to find someone else he has told me that he only looks at it to look at it i've come to realize that about 99percent of men look at it so i am going to just not let it bother me anymore its stupid to even let me bother me he's a guy guy's look at porn and i don't want to lose him over my insecurity its better to take a guys advice about it so thank you very much : )
Just my opinion here... "all guys do it so you just have to get used to it" is...weak. just a weak argument. truthful it may be, but honestly you've gotta do better than that to convince me you're ruled so entirely by your johnson that you have no self control. my husband DOES occasionally have arguments good enough for it, LOL, so he and I have come to agreements about porn...to both of our satisfaction, I might add.
but just for future reference, for gentlemen trying to pass it off and ladies wondering why their men are using this particular argument.. "because all guys do it, just get over it" is lame. be more creative, at least.
but just for future reference, for gentlemen trying to pass it off and ladies wondering why their men are using this particular argument.. "because all guys do it, just get over it" is lame. be more creative, at least.
Am I hearing this right? She is offended by porn, therefore it must be something wrong with her? While the man viewing it is normal? OH boy is that a sign of the times or what!
There is nothing wrong with her except she does not agree with a man who says he loves her disrespecting her. As all men will look at someone showing private parts, beit a pic, a movie or whatever, not all men go seeking it out. And if that is what relationships are nowadays, who needs em? Get a pal and let him go get his own place with his computer and his hand.
Women do not have to tolerate anything they do not want to. They no longer need a man.
There is nothing wrong with her except she does not agree with a man who says he loves her disrespecting her. As all men will look at someone showing private parts, beit a pic, a movie or whatever, not all men go seeking it out. And if that is what relationships are nowadays, who needs em? Get a pal and let him go get his own place with his computer and his hand.
Women do not have to tolerate anything they do not want to. They no longer need a man.
Hi Specialmom,
I just finished agreeing with you on another post, but I've got to agree with Westguy here. The issue is not the porn, it's Lilangelaiden's insecurity - the porn is just the trigger. She doesn't feel secure in her boyfriend's love/respect/desire for her, and that needs to be addressed as a wider issue. I think there is also a fundamental misunderstanding of the motivations behind watching porn, which I have tried to clarify in my post above.
Forgive me, but I think you're being naive about the number of men who watch porn. I don't know how old you are, but certainly in my generation - having had internet access for most of our lives - I would say that every male has watched porn to some extent at some time. And I would guess that at least 90% watch it regularly. I'm intrigued by your "circle" that doesn't watch it - do they really have no interest, or do they just not admit it?
Anyway, just my opinion. I hope Lilangelaiden can make peace with the issue. :)
I just finished agreeing with you on another post, but I've got to agree with Westguy here. The issue is not the porn, it's Lilangelaiden's insecurity - the porn is just the trigger. She doesn't feel secure in her boyfriend's love/respect/desire for her, and that needs to be addressed as a wider issue. I think there is also a fundamental misunderstanding of the motivations behind watching porn, which I have tried to clarify in my post above.
Forgive me, but I think you're being naive about the number of men who watch porn. I don't know how old you are, but certainly in my generation - having had internet access for most of our lives - I would say that every male has watched porn to some extent at some time. And I would guess that at least 90% watch it regularly. I'm intrigued by your "circle" that doesn't watch it - do they really have no interest, or do they just not admit it?
Anyway, just my opinion. I hope Lilangelaiden can make peace with the issue. :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have learned in dealing with lots of different people that have definite opinions on porn and you can not convince someone who does not like it (valid) to like it and someone that loves it to not like it (valid). They are both perfectly valid in their belief.
She is entitled to not want porn in her life. This might not be the man for her if he can't give it up for her. Not all men (or women) watch it no matter how many times someone who enjoys porn says that is so. She may wish to find a mate that is compatible to her level of acceptance of porn. Congratulations on finding a mate for yourself that is at your level of acceptance.
She is entitled to not want porn in her life. This might not be the man for her if he can't give it up for her. Not all men (or women) watch it no matter how many times someone who enjoys porn says that is so. She may wish to find a mate that is compatible to her level of acceptance of porn. Congratulations on finding a mate for yourself that is at your level of acceptance.
Why do you say he's addicted? Is that his interpretation or yours?
There really is nothing wrong with looking at porn - most porn, anyway - and you can't stop it; you could have sex with him ten times a day and he would still find - er, time for it.
Genuinely, and without meaning to have a go at you, I think the problem here is you. Unless he is literally spending hours every day watching porn to the detriment of his work and social life, he really does not have an addiction; he's just a normal bloke. And telling him you don't like it won't stop him looking at it, it just means he'll hide it from you and possibly start to resent you.
Why do you have such an objection to porn? I suspect it bothers you because you're a bit insecure. What you need to remember is that your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he didn't care about you - and he CERTAINLY wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive. Porn is not like a relationship - it requires little thought and no emotion. It is a simple, physical outlet, and sometimes we all need that.
I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend about the reasons he watches porn - and don't get angry or upset about it. I promise it's all a lot less complicated than you think, and certainly will be no reflection on you - he's not watching Jenna Jameson and comparing her to you, there's nowhere NEAR that much thought involved! You may even find (as I have with my boyfriend) that some of the things he likes to see, he watches specifically because he wouldn't ask or expect you to do them - and there's a certain respect in that.
Once you've talked about it calmly, suggest watching something together - although maybe stay away from the hard stuff to start with. You'll probably find your boyfriend quite likes the idea, and watching something together will help you both learn more about the other's tastes and what you each find attractive. And remember - NOTHING that two (or more!) consenting adults do together in privacy (that's not illegal) is wrong, and experimentation is part of a healthy relationship.
Honestly, his watching porn is no reflection on you. You need to accept it because it won't stop, and personally I would be concerned about any man who never watches porn as it would suggest he is seriously repressed. My boyfriend watches porn, I watch porn, sometimes we watch it together (although our tastes are quite different) - and we have a very healthy sex life and a very healthy relationship.
Best of luck sorting this out in your own head - I hope you can make peace with it.
There really is nothing wrong with looking at porn - most porn, anyway - and you can't stop it; you could have sex with him ten times a day and he would still find - er, time for it.
Genuinely, and without meaning to have a go at you, I think the problem here is you. Unless he is literally spending hours every day watching porn to the detriment of his work and social life, he really does not have an addiction; he's just a normal bloke. And telling him you don't like it won't stop him looking at it, it just means he'll hide it from you and possibly start to resent you.
Why do you have such an objection to porn? I suspect it bothers you because you're a bit insecure. What you need to remember is that your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he didn't care about you - and he CERTAINLY wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive. Porn is not like a relationship - it requires little thought and no emotion. It is a simple, physical outlet, and sometimes we all need that.
I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend about the reasons he watches porn - and don't get angry or upset about it. I promise it's all a lot less complicated than you think, and certainly will be no reflection on you - he's not watching Jenna Jameson and comparing her to you, there's nowhere NEAR that much thought involved! You may even find (as I have with my boyfriend) that some of the things he likes to see, he watches specifically because he wouldn't ask or expect you to do them - and there's a certain respect in that.
Once you've talked about it calmly, suggest watching something together - although maybe stay away from the hard stuff to start with. You'll probably find your boyfriend quite likes the idea, and watching something together will help you both learn more about the other's tastes and what you each find attractive. And remember - NOTHING that two (or more!) consenting adults do together in privacy (that's not illegal) is wrong, and experimentation is part of a healthy relationship.
Honestly, his watching porn is no reflection on you. You need to accept it because it won't stop, and personally I would be concerned about any man who never watches porn as it would suggest he is seriously repressed. My boyfriend watches porn, I watch porn, sometimes we watch it together (although our tastes are quite different) - and we have a very healthy sex life and a very healthy relationship.
Best of luck sorting this out in your own head - I hope you can make peace with it.
Since the porn issue is such a hot button topic, let me put it another way. Anything that is this big of an issue between two people in a relationship, speaks of incompatibility issues, period. Either live with it or dont. You can only change you and no one else.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think we all appreciate your perspective. I do honestly see what you are saying. This is a topic that comes up here (and elsewhere) a lot. It seems to cause a lot of strife in many a relationship.
But . . . if a woman has to ask her man to not look at porn for one day as her birthday present . . . might be a bigger problem than you think. You know . . . candy, jewelry, a nice dinner. No no------------ all I want is one day off from your porn.
But . . . if a woman has to ask her man to not look at porn for one day as her birthday present . . . might be a bigger problem than you think. You know . . . candy, jewelry, a nice dinner. No no------------ all I want is one day off from your porn.
But I do agree that if she's anti-porn than being with a guy whos super into porn... well, it could be a deal breaker.
To clarify about myself.. I'm not an uber pro-porn guy although I do watch/look at it. I'm just saying it's very common for a guy to watch it, I'd be willing to bet the % of men who view it with regularity is well over 50%, and that to us it's really not that big of a deal. I understand women might not be into it or might not like it but that's why its primarily marketed toward men. To us it's no big deal. I understand some women feel differently.
To clarify about myself.. I'm not an uber pro-porn guy although I do watch/look at it. I'm just saying it's very common for a guy to watch it, I'd be willing to bet the % of men who view it with regularity is well over 50%, and that to us it's really not that big of a deal. I understand women might not be into it or might not like it but that's why its primarily marketed toward men. To us it's no big deal. I understand some women feel differently.
I'm not "making a point," I'm re-stating what she has said. She's not complaining that it's disgusting or degrading she's complaining that it makes her feel less desireable to him. Hence insecurity.
Not sure what you're talking about "bolstering one's self esteem to handle your significant other's lust." No one's talking about that.
Not sure what you're talking about "bolstering one's self esteem to handle your significant other's lust." No one's talking about that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
hm. I understand what you are saying as well. While bolstering one's self esteem to handle your significant other's lust may make sense if you are desperate for a man------ I humbly disagree with your line of thinking. If she is plagued with insecurity and it affects many areas of the relationship, indeed this is something for her to work on.
However, many women find porn to not be intimidating so much as degrading. And in reality, it is. While you believe "most" men watch porn ------------ studies also show that most women in porn are addicted to drugs and have been sexually abused in their life time.
As a therapist, I sat across from many a beautiful woman that had no doubt she was as gorgeous and worthy as a . . . porn star . . . but did not approve of her husband watching. My role as a therapist is to get a partner to see the other's complaints as valid. So that if someone says this is a significant issue, it can even be a deal breaker. And as the poster says it is a significant issue in that she wrote a forum complaining about it, I give validity to her feelings. Porn can be like smoking. If you aren't a smoker-------- you aren't keen on someone who smokes. Maybe if you don't hate it, you'll put up with it socially as long as it isn't often and in your face. But if you are a non smoker and are anti smoking------- it doesn't matter how often------ you can't stand it and don't want to be around it. You'll never be happy with a smoker. I can tell the non smoker to suck it up and get used to it------- but they'll never be truly happy. So, if they aren't married and in the dating stage-------- I'd say move on to another guy that you are more compatible with. Maybe she wants a total nonsmoker (porn). Maybe she can handle a social smoker. Maybe she will go to therapy and discover she loves porn and wants to watch it all the time. Okay, that never happens. But I throw it in to make you feel better and give you hope (ha ha). If it is something that mildly annoys her, well------- then perhaps they can compromise on it. But if it is a big issue to her, then they just can't. And that is okay. Some issues are and should be deal breakers. Well, they should be if you want a lasting relationship. I'd tell a guy (or girl) that loved loved loved porn that maybe it wouldn't be a great match to be with a woman that was against it. Why set up life that way? That is what dating is for. To find the right person.
And I want to reiterate that I am not anti porn. If a couple enjoys it------- more power to them. I guess it is for the poster to decide how important of an issue this is for her. And for some, it is a deal breaker.
We can all work on our self esteem though and I do get your point that she seems worried about comparisons made to her.
However, many women find porn to not be intimidating so much as degrading. And in reality, it is. While you believe "most" men watch porn ------------ studies also show that most women in porn are addicted to drugs and have been sexually abused in their life time.
As a therapist, I sat across from many a beautiful woman that had no doubt she was as gorgeous and worthy as a . . . porn star . . . but did not approve of her husband watching. My role as a therapist is to get a partner to see the other's complaints as valid. So that if someone says this is a significant issue, it can even be a deal breaker. And as the poster says it is a significant issue in that she wrote a forum complaining about it, I give validity to her feelings. Porn can be like smoking. If you aren't a smoker-------- you aren't keen on someone who smokes. Maybe if you don't hate it, you'll put up with it socially as long as it isn't often and in your face. But if you are a non smoker and are anti smoking------- it doesn't matter how often------ you can't stand it and don't want to be around it. You'll never be happy with a smoker. I can tell the non smoker to suck it up and get used to it------- but they'll never be truly happy. So, if they aren't married and in the dating stage-------- I'd say move on to another guy that you are more compatible with. Maybe she wants a total nonsmoker (porn). Maybe she can handle a social smoker. Maybe she will go to therapy and discover she loves porn and wants to watch it all the time. Okay, that never happens. But I throw it in to make you feel better and give you hope (ha ha). If it is something that mildly annoys her, well------- then perhaps they can compromise on it. But if it is a big issue to her, then they just can't. And that is okay. Some issues are and should be deal breakers. Well, they should be if you want a lasting relationship. I'd tell a guy (or girl) that loved loved loved porn that maybe it wouldn't be a great match to be with a woman that was against it. Why set up life that way? That is what dating is for. To find the right person.
And I want to reiterate that I am not anti porn. If a couple enjoys it------- more power to them. I guess it is for the poster to decide how important of an issue this is for her. And for some, it is a deal breaker.
We can all work on our self esteem though and I do get your point that she seems worried about comparisons made to her.
No I understand. But what I'm saying is that if he's not truly addicted to porn.. then it's not a problem. It's a problem for her because she doesn't like it and I can respect that. I'm not saying it's not to be taken seriously I'm just saying her problem with it could be thought of as irrational if its based not on the actual act of him watching it but because she's insecure about the fact that he does.
Many women have no problem with their bf/husband looking at it because they understand that it doesn't come from a place of anger or distress about the relationship. It's not born of a desire to cheat. I suspect this guy just looks at it because he likes to look at it and it doesn't go any further for him than that. I suspect she'd have the same problem with him watching a hardcore porn movie as she would if he was just leafing through a magazine like Maxim which really isn't porn by any means.
What I'm getting from what she's saying is that it's not the actual porn so much as she doesn't like the fact that he's looking at other woman sexually. I feel like she'd have the same problem if she caught him looking at another woman in real life (far more inappropriate) as she would if she "caught" him just looking at a hot woman in a magazine or on tv. There is a distinction between the two and they're very different situations so I wonder what her reaction would be to the real life situation as opposed to just the porn.
My point is that this is a problem that has nothing to do with him watching porn so much as porn is just the means in which the problem is presenting itself. The issue is not that he looks at porn. The issue is she's insecure and she thinks he's looking at the porn because he's somehow unsatisfied or looking for something else. To be sure, that can happen but I suspect that's not what's going on here. The fact that she headlines the question with "my boyfriend is addicted to porn" and then doesn't describe it remotely as an addiction but rather describes her problem with it and not his shows how she's projecting her issue onto him when it's really not, I don't think, anything he's really doing that's making her feel this way.
When I say most guys look at porn I truly do mean most guys. There's a reason why the pornography industry makes more money in the USA than the music industry does. Guys.
Point being that maybe he'll stop looking at it and maybe he won't. I suspect he'll just tell her what she wants to hear because he probly doesn't see anything wrong with it as most guys who look at porn would likely perceive it. But even if he does quit the porn for her (and I'm not saying he shouldn't) she needs to address why she feels so insecure or this same problem will manifest itself in other ways, more than likely some way that doesn't have a quick fix.
Many women have no problem with their bf/husband looking at it because they understand that it doesn't come from a place of anger or distress about the relationship. It's not born of a desire to cheat. I suspect this guy just looks at it because he likes to look at it and it doesn't go any further for him than that. I suspect she'd have the same problem with him watching a hardcore porn movie as she would if he was just leafing through a magazine like Maxim which really isn't porn by any means.
What I'm getting from what she's saying is that it's not the actual porn so much as she doesn't like the fact that he's looking at other woman sexually. I feel like she'd have the same problem if she caught him looking at another woman in real life (far more inappropriate) as she would if she "caught" him just looking at a hot woman in a magazine or on tv. There is a distinction between the two and they're very different situations so I wonder what her reaction would be to the real life situation as opposed to just the porn.
My point is that this is a problem that has nothing to do with him watching porn so much as porn is just the means in which the problem is presenting itself. The issue is not that he looks at porn. The issue is she's insecure and she thinks he's looking at the porn because he's somehow unsatisfied or looking for something else. To be sure, that can happen but I suspect that's not what's going on here. The fact that she headlines the question with "my boyfriend is addicted to porn" and then doesn't describe it remotely as an addiction but rather describes her problem with it and not his shows how she's projecting her issue onto him when it's really not, I don't think, anything he's really doing that's making her feel this way.
When I say most guys look at porn I truly do mean most guys. There's a reason why the pornography industry makes more money in the USA than the music industry does. Guys.
Point being that maybe he'll stop looking at it and maybe he won't. I suspect he'll just tell her what she wants to hear because he probly doesn't see anything wrong with it as most guys who look at porn would likely perceive it. But even if he does quit the porn for her (and I'm not saying he shouldn't) she needs to address why she feels so insecure or this same problem will manifest itself in other ways, more than likely some way that doesn't have a quick fix.
COMMUNITY LEADER
And I just want to not, I'm not like an antiporn person. I'm pretty open minded. That is not what my response is about. I don't know why my men haven't ever been into it as that wasn't a prerequisite not to be or anything. What IS a prerequisite is taking my feelings seriously though.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Which very well could be the case--------- but if a partner has a problem with something to the extent that it causes distress in the relationship------------ it is something to be taken seriously. I can give up things that are a problem to my husband.
If a man stares and gawks at other women . . . I can ask him to stop. It may be my insecurity that makes it a problem. But it is still a problem for me. If he won't stop--------- my choice is to be unhappy or dump him. I'd probably dump him. Same with porn. Why should she just accept it vs. him trying to work on it?
Porn is a big problem for a lot of women. And I guess when you speak of most guys, you speak of your circle. Not all guys are into it. I never had a guy that was really into it. I guess I pick different guys than who would be in your circle. See what I am saying? Compatible is a big thing to take into consideration when choosing a mate.
Dating is for finding someone we are compatible with. And when someone just says tough, it is your problem when an issues arises, I become concerned. If he is not willing to compromise and work on the problem, I'd move along. Fast.
If a man stares and gawks at other women . . . I can ask him to stop. It may be my insecurity that makes it a problem. But it is still a problem for me. If he won't stop--------- my choice is to be unhappy or dump him. I'd probably dump him. Same with porn. Why should she just accept it vs. him trying to work on it?
Porn is a big problem for a lot of women. And I guess when you speak of most guys, you speak of your circle. Not all guys are into it. I never had a guy that was really into it. I guess I pick different guys than who would be in your circle. See what I am saying? Compatible is a big thing to take into consideration when choosing a mate.
Dating is for finding someone we are compatible with. And when someone just says tough, it is your problem when an issues arises, I become concerned. If he is not willing to compromise and work on the problem, I'd move along. Fast.
Yeeaaaah I agree that some guys can be addicted to porn same as they can be addicted to gambling, drugs, drinking, etc.. but this doesn't sound like the guy is addicted to it, it sounds like he just looks at it the way most guys do and she has a problem with it.
But I think she has a problem with it not because of the fact that he's looking at it or how much he's looking at it but because of the way him looking at it makes her feel. And that suggests, to me, that she's insecure somehow.
But I think she has a problem with it not because of the fact that he's looking at it or how much he's looking at it but because of the way him looking at it makes her feel. And that suggests, to me, that she's insecure somehow.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is very possible to find a man not interested in porn. Not all guys are into it. I'm not anti porn but pretty thankful that my husband finds it not to be a turn on. So if you don't like it, you do not have to be in a relationship that has it as an issue.
Anything that someone can't give up------------ is a problem. If something causes your significant other great distress, putting their feelings first is part of being a good partner. And if porn is that important to someone that they can't do that--------- I'd have a problem with that. That goes for gambling, drinking, drugs . . . heck, even a person that golfs to excess and it becomes an issue in their relationship can be a problem. If a compromise can not be made ---------- I'd find someone you are more compatible with.
Anything that someone can't give up------------ is a problem. If something causes your significant other great distress, putting their feelings first is part of being a good partner. And if porn is that important to someone that they can't do that--------- I'd have a problem with that. That goes for gambling, drinking, drugs . . . heck, even a person that golfs to excess and it becomes an issue in their relationship can be a problem. If a compromise can not be made ---------- I'd find someone you are more compatible with.
most guys will look at porn.
Guys who have been married for 20 years and have never even considered cheating on their wives will look at porn. I don't know if "that's what guys do" is a cop out... but that's what we do. Many of us. And it doesn't necesserily suggest that he's interested in other women it's just something that, for whatever reason, guys are really into. It's a multi billion dollar industry (porn is) and it's marketted and made for us. So that's really a losing battle for you to fight.
Make peace with the porn because if you fight it then one of three things is going to happen. A. He'll stop looking at it just to make you happy but he'll resent you for it, B. He'll continue looking at it but he'll try to keep it more of a secret and he'll just tell you what you want to hear, or C. You'll just continue to fight about it every 6 or 8 months. If it's something he's into then he's just into it. If he's watching a type of porn that is particularly depraved or disturbing to you then maybe you can fight the porn battle but if it's just more or less "regular" porn I wouldn't say that in and of itself thats something to worry about.
Why not watch it with him? Make it part of your intimate time together? Maybe you'll understand more what it is to him if he can share it with you.
Guys who have been married for 20 years and have never even considered cheating on their wives will look at porn. I don't know if "that's what guys do" is a cop out... but that's what we do. Many of us. And it doesn't necesserily suggest that he's interested in other women it's just something that, for whatever reason, guys are really into. It's a multi billion dollar industry (porn is) and it's marketted and made for us. So that's really a losing battle for you to fight.
Make peace with the porn because if you fight it then one of three things is going to happen. A. He'll stop looking at it just to make you happy but he'll resent you for it, B. He'll continue looking at it but he'll try to keep it more of a secret and he'll just tell you what you want to hear, or C. You'll just continue to fight about it every 6 or 8 months. If it's something he's into then he's just into it. If he's watching a type of porn that is particularly depraved or disturbing to you then maybe you can fight the porn battle but if it's just more or less "regular" porn I wouldn't say that in and of itself thats something to worry about.
Why not watch it with him? Make it part of your intimate time together? Maybe you'll understand more what it is to him if he can share it with you.
After having dealt with this with my husband for years I can tell you that it has nothing to do with YOU or how attractive he is to you. If it's truly an addiction, meaning something he can't or has a hard time controlling, then its not something he is going to easily be able to just STOP. He needs to figure out what it is about it that ***** him in to watching it over and over. Porn addiction has become a serious issue in todays society mainly becuase of the ease of access provided by the internet. It may be beneficial for him to seek out counseling to rule out any other underlying issues. This is something you both need to work through before getting married. Entering a marriage with known preexisting issues is not a good idea. In my case I did not know he was addicted to porn until after we were married. I strongly suggest he get counseling for this.
I totally understand where you are coming from and why. I hope it works for you, but somehow I am doubting it will. Good luck.
thanks everyone for the advice my bday was the 26th and iasked him if he really loves me and respects me if he could at least try and stop looking at it for my bday he promised that he would try i have been asking him every so often if he's been looking at it and he tells me the truth he's not masturbating to it or anything like that he said that it doesn't turn him on either which i believe cuz he is a very honest person and he does tell me and he doesn't watch or look at porn and not want to intimate with me he always tells me that i'm the most beatiful girl ever and all that stuff so i've to reason if he can at least cut it done i can try and deal with it
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