want to seperate from my manipulating/ lying husband

[mimster1017]

i have been married for 7 years, probably unhappily for a majority. i have alawys been suspicious about him but loved him so ni would make excuses for him.... our problems started when we were engaged but I became pregnant. with my beautiful daughter ... these werent your typical marital problems there was alot of lying and stealing. since our marriage began i have been in the dark about everything..where he was working, how much money he was making, his business associates, our household bills, he said it was none of my business. things got worse.. he ruined my credit, never paid our mortgage and i had to file bankruptcy. he overdrafted my account by so much money i almost went to jail. which actually in 2009 he went for larceny....there are so many more instances but the bottom line is i've had enuf... while he was away I suffered with anxiety and a depression that i never knew in my life i am ok now 2 years laTER but i'm afraid if i stay i will just wind up back in that terrible mental state again. when he was in jail he said he would give me full control of the finances  needless to say that was another lie.I still do not know where he works, how we afford the home we are in ...no idea where he has a bank account....i've never seen a single paycheck.  i guess anybody else would have moved on 7 years ago but con men have a way of making you believe that you are crazy and the "problem"..he has beaten me down emotionally and pshycologically that i can't seem to get clear headed .he lays sooo much guilt on me about ruining our family if i leave that i've stayed only for the sake of my children..btw...i am a stay at home mom with no income no credit no self esteem no help where i live and i'm desperate for advice????

[AnnieBrooke]

I think the guy already has you so beaten down that you halfway think it's your fault that he is a con man and a thief.  If you were to leave, it would not be you breaking up the family, as he is trying to get you to believe.  It would be his actions, from the beginning of the marriage.  You acquiesced, and you didn't insist on answers, but he is the one doing the active wrong.  You just went along.  Someday, a while from now, I'd look at what in myself made me willing to acquiesce, but right now, you need to be able to take action to get out.  As lmno said, what about family?  Do you have anyone to turn to?  I would see about getting therapy with the stated goal of planning to leave.

[specialmom]

Hm.  This is complicated.  I feel like when living under the same roof that it is a bit hard to hide so much . . .  I mean, statements come, banks call, taxes are filed, etc.  No drawer in the house with any financial paperwork?  Where did he "pay" the bills?  Do you shop?  What do you shop with?  I am having trouble understanding how you say you knew nothing.  I get that he could have cards and accounts without your consent but . . .  you'd have to sign off on something at some point.  All this time at home and not getting a job?  Even when he was in jail-----------  I mean, how did you buy food?

What I am getting at ------------- and by no means am I writing this to beat up on you or make yo feel bad----------  but we are a party to our own life's issues.  We have to take some responsibility as to how things ended up in order to move on.  It does sound like your husband took advantage of others and you lived off of that and that would sure stink.

I agree that now is the time to plan.  If you've lost touch with family, now is the time to reconnect and tell them all that is going on. You'll need help finding some type of work, child care for your daughter, and housing and living expenses for you both until you get on your own two feet.  The first place to start is trying to build some support around you.  

While he was in jail, what did you live on?  That question has me really curious.  Did you work then and could you go back to that?  

I do with you luck---------- as I started out by saying, this is complicated.  You need to look what your own involvment was in this situation and own it.  That will empower you to change things.  You will become stronger by doing that and be able to problem solve as to what your next step would be.  good luck!!!  Peace.

[el_em_en_oh]

Do you have any friends or family that you could turn to for help?

I'm assuming that since you mentioned you're a stay at home Mom with no income or credit, that you think it's going to be hard to "get out" of the situation you're in.

You already know that you have to leave.

I know that you realize that or you wouldn't be here asking us for advice, so I'm not going to be "Mr. Obvious" and tell you to "Leave him and run away as fast as you can!"

Start with the basics... where can I take my child & myself and be in a safe environment?

Don't worry about your credit-score or your lack of income or experience, that stuff will come (although it's not going to be easy, but you already know none of this is going to be easy).

First things first... family, friends that you can call for assistance? Even if it's cross-country, do you have even a SINGLE, SOLITARY "out"?

LMNO