Need help

[mridiot]

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?

[mridiot]

Actually I should correct one thing - I feel I should tell my wife about them in confidence but if my life feel apart I would not tell their wives about them. I feel like if I do tell her - I have to tell her everything - no more lies. And I know she would not break up homes because her world was thrown apart - she's not like that. She's better than all of us.

[josie8196]

I am glad to see that you have come to your senses and decided it was time to "grow up".  I don't see how telling her is going to do anything but hurt her.  You have made alot of poor choices in life, and now you will have to live with them, but there is no reason to drag her down too if you plan on becoming the husband you should be.

[momma-of-3g1b]

H.e.l.l  hath no fury like a woman scorned.............
If you truelly have changed, its better she not know your past.
Us women tend to take this SH*T personaly.It will change your marriage FOREVER. If you were currently cheating i would say for you to tell her, so she could leave your stupid AS*  but, bringing up the guilt of your past to her now is stupid (very thoughtful of you but, stupid). You need to suffer inside with your conscience (since you currently have one) . You owe her all of your love and respect now and need make up for the past.

I have no respect for cheaters at all but, if it were me and it was long ago past i would not want to know this info. especially if we were at a very stable place in our marriage.
If my husband was currently cheating I would want to know so i could properly chop him up and feed him to the crows.

One other thought- you better have worn protection with your liasons, if you didnt then you had better tell your wife about you  so she can get tested for STDS that you could have given her. THAT, SHE HAS the right to know.

[momma-of-3g1b]

i want to say too,  it is nice to see that you feel regret. and care enough for your wife that you would ask . stay a good man to her.

[misscloey]

Did you have sexual relations with other women or did you simply hang out in strip clubs? I am a little confused. I would say that if you simply hung out in strip clubs and maybe did some inappropriate touching or kissing etc... then I would keep it to myself and not tell her.(which by the way is still unacceptable in my book) You have come to realize that your marriage is more important than any of that stupid "boy" stuff right? If you have had sexual relations with other women then you should try to find a way and a time to tell her. You owe it to her. She may or may not leave you, I can't answer that. But, I can tell you from watching very dear friends go through this, that your marriage will NEVER BE THE SAME if it does survive! Theirs did not. Once you break the trust and respect what else is there? I personally don't know what I would do, I can say right off the top of my head that I would NEVER put up with that sh**. But, being married for 15 years and having two children throws a whole new perspective on it. I do know that I would never trust him again, and would lose all respect for him. I would live a miserable life with a man whole ripped out my heart and soul and destroyed my very best and most treasured friendship. So.... you now have realized that you were a major jerk and want everything to be right again. I am afraid it is not that simple. I am however, glad that you have realized this and are willing and wanting to make things right for her.. I don't know if you can do that and I don't know what kind of person she is. So, you will have to think this through VERY carefully. I can imagine that this will haunt you forever if you do not tell her.
Best of Luck!

[laura1977]

You should tell your wife.  That isn't fair to your marriage not to tell her.  You have to take the chance that she may not want to be married, but you took the chance of this happening when you cheated.  
About your friends, if they are such good friends they wouldn't be putting your wife down.  Not all guys do this.  My husband had a really good friend that he hung out with but his friend was causing problems with our marriage, and guess who won?  Our marriage.  Your a doctor, so you are smart?  You need to realize that you have promised your life to your wife, and you need to stick up for your marriage.  I am sure that your guy friends probably have wives, do you talk to them about their wives like that?  You shouldn't let that happen.
Your wife diserves to know, and you need to get it out in the open.  Wives have a way of finding out.  If one other person knows, then I will bet your wife will end up finding out.  It is better if it comes from you.  If she finds out on her own she will probably leave for sure.  
Get rid of the stuff that is causing you issues in your marriage.  
If you ruin your marriage because of your friends, your going to be the one coming home to an empty house, not your friends.  

[mridiot]

Thank you all. I agree 100% that my marriage comes first. I certainly have no excuse for my past actions and trying to think one up would be cowardly. My friends do already know that my wife comes first through our discussions recently. They know that I've left the group you could say as they are not good for my marriage. I really believe that if I hung out with them I would still be different as I do not want that and no longer would just follow along like a dummy (not that they made me do it - I screwed up - I could have said no - I should have said no) - I want a real marriage. But even hanging out with them seems disrespectful to her based on the past.and yes I did have actual intercourse - not all the time but when I first got married yes. And you know what is sicker I would have never had a girlfriend or picked up a girl I wasn't paying. I know I am supposed to be smart. You are right. I graduated top of an ivy league college and when I hear my lack of common sense you'd never know. How we sat around thinking we were good husbands - we were just men. I hurt and betrayed the one person that never would hurt or betray me. I'm more than willing to tell her everything but not if it means her having to have unneccessary pain. That is why I needed a woman's point of view.  

[misscloey]

You made your bed and now you have to lie in it I am afraid.
You have to tell her. It won't be pretty, I guarantee that. But.. you owe it to her and to yourself to be honest.
What kind of marriage do you have if you continue to live a lie? I really wish people would think about all this before they cheat on each other. It just blows my mind. I am so sorry, I don't mean to disrespect you but you deserve what you get!
I truly truly wish you all the best, but you need to understand that when you drop all this on her she may want absolutely NOTHING to do with you for quite some time. She will be broken to pieces and so very lost inside. But maybe someday, if it is in her nature, she can forgive you and find some way to get past this.
Your realization of what marriage is has come a little too late I am afraid. The one thing I have learned about lying is this.... no matter how small or big the lie, it may be days or years but somehow, someway that lie will rear it's ugly head. When it does, when she finds out some other way... it WILL be over. Stop the lie now, while you can and take what you have coming like a man. You did this to her and to yourself, not your friends, not the other women... YOU. Do the right thing and let her know, and then let her decide where to go from here. I am sorry!        

[slow_healer]

mridiot, different people will take in news like that in different ways. If you feel your wife is a reasonable woman and are willing to wait out the "angry phase" of her coming to terms with it, I would recommend telling her. Mostly I would recommend this because you never know when your actions in the past can come to haunt you in the present. Now that you've decided to turn your back, it will be a while before you know who you can trust.

If it helps, I'm a woman who would rather know than not know. That way I feel best prepared for what ever the future may hold. I hope your wife might feel the same.

You are not alone in this situation - you're not the first person to post this problem. Men have posted here before, usually when they have come to the same decision as you - to leave their male buddies to form a more solid relationship with their wife. Hanging with their buddies entailed similar activities - hanging at strip clubs, picking up women, etc. Try finding their posts in this forum - it might give your more insight as what to do about your situation. Good luck!

[mridiot]

Thank you again ladies. Your insight has helped more than you know. I will definitely look for the other posts but again I think I already found so much insight from all of you. Amazing how strangers can help so much and make such a huge difference.

[laura1977]

Honestly if you want to get past this, you NEED to tell her.  It will hurt you both, but it is better for your marriage that she knows.  You say you don't want to hurt her, well that pretty much went out the window when you cheated.  I am concerned though about something.  It sounds to me like you have cheated more then once?  You didn't come out and say it, but by your wording it seems you have.
If I were your wife, I will tell you exactly what I would do.  My husband knows exactly what I would do, because it has been known since before we got married.  If my husband ever cheated on me, he would loose everything that is important to him........me, being able to see the girls everyday after he gets off of work...............oh and lets not forget his ability to produce any other children.  (haha kidding about that one).  I have zero tollerance when it comes to cheating.  That doesn't mean your wife does, and let me assure you that she will discover it sometime in the future.  It will be better if she hears it from you first.  
Understand, women post on here about having affairs, and I give them the same advice. I tell them what they did is wrong and to go home and tell the husband.  
You NEVER fix a problem with your wife by sleeping with another woman.  Just like a woman doesn't fix a problem with their husband just by sleeping with another man.  There is a fairly new post on here that the subject is "I'm attracted to another man"  You should read it.

[mridiot]

I did cheat more than once. I continued to go to clubs / parlors and pay for sex after we were married. I did it through college / med school.... I had intercourse 2 times and then stopped that but continued with other things. You are the second person to mention cutting things off/ up. Pretty scary as my wife is a doctor also! (just teasing too - as she would not do that). If anything she'll walk away the lady she is and leave me to the call girls that I don't want. I know I hurt her and I know I was 100% selfish. One guy told me that we do it because the girls pushed us to get married before we were ready. Now I hear these things and think - Holy sh*t did I really think like this too?? Yeah I wanted to wait but she did not force me. I asked because I love her and I knew on my wedding day I was in love and happy. I just thought that - that was nothing - just a guy thing. I don't want to say that I grew up knowing that low life mentality and came to think that was normal as that too sounds stupid but it is kind of like that. I laso think you ladies are right that a woman knows inside somehow. When I was a little boy, my grandmother used to watch George Burns and Gracie Allen. Not sure of spelling. Anyway he said once that when Gracie was dying, he told her that he had to tell her something before it was too late - he cheated. She said that she always knew - it was the time he bought her that big Tiffany vase. He was shocked as that was right and he asked why she never told him. She replied "I never got the matching bowl". The story was not meant to be funny - but her way of saying she knew he did it and stopped and she made peace with it privately. I thought to myself what if somethung happens to me and she finds out and never knows how sorry I was or that I had changed just by loving her.  

[mridiot]

Since I can talk so freely here I'll ask one more thing if I can. Do you ladies think my empty hook-ups were more appealing because I always had issues with trusting people due to being put up for adoption? Though I do trust my wife - she is actually the only woman except my adopted Mom that I have trusted. Just something that has been spinning in my head with all the other things.

[RockRose]

I am going to disagree with everyone,  and it's probably too late.  You've probably already told her,  and unleashed your burden onto your wife's shoulders.  

Telling her all the whole truth wouldn't help her,  and wouldn't solve anything.  Except,  it would vent your guilt.  

If you've truly changed,  suck it up and become the man she always hoped you would be.

Again,  probably this post is too late.  What good would it do HER (think about this for along time) to tell her?

[mridiot]

I actually am getting off to do some reading for work but I will think about what you said. I have not told her yet.

[RockRose]

mridiot - (I hate that name,  you need to give yourself more respect than that - like "changed man"  something like that.)

I think your empty hook ups are probably due to your genetics.  If you were adopted at as a child,   your parents (BOTH) had empty hook ups.  I'm a real believer in nature,   vs. nurture.  I think you probably came to this earth geared toward empty hook ups as your parents were.  

It is because of your personality that you are seeking higher levels - you are seeking to connect and have profound relationships - that you married your wife.  This is a great thing,  and a profound thing,  and a tribute to your character.

Don't blow it,  mridiot.  Don't blow this thing that you have created in your life.  Enjoy your success, and love your dear wife.

[mridiot]

Ironically, I know very little about my parents except that my mother had me due to an affair. I actually did not know that until recently. She then gave me up to go on with her life as if the mistake never happened. I used to think my Mom gave me up because she got pregnant young. You are right - I do not want that for myself. I want more. I want a real family / marriage. I've worked so hard to have more; through jobs and school and yet the most important area I gave no mind too. I used to think that one day I'd see my Mom and she'd realize what she just threw away. That was my drive through most of my schooling. I wanted to see her when I was an estabished Doctor. Luckily I do love being a Dr so it is not as if I choose something I hate to make a point. But meanwhile I was acting no better than her. Thank you Rockrose, your words mean alot. You and I have alot in common, we both help people everyday; just in different ways. Signed "changed man"  

[laura1977]

omg I can't believe a female actually stated to a male that he shouldn't tell his wife.  What, live a LIE?  I don't see how that would help him or his wife.  That is just stupid.  He's done enough lying, and needs to straighten up his life.  One day him and his wife are going to have children probably, at least right now it's just the two of them and hopefully it can be worked out.  
What is a marriage with this huge lie floating over it?  Come on now mridiot you should know better then this.  That is completely the easy way out, and if you do that you aren't setting things straight.  Remember...............she will end up finding out if there is other people that know.  People do talk!  You wait till she gets told by someone else, you can bet it will probably be over.  You have your chance, if you are really a changed man as you state, and if you love your wife as much as you say you do.  Then tell her.
You can do what you want with your life, but I am a married woman and if my husband were to cheat on me and I found out without him telling me I would pack my stuff up and leave while he was at work.  I would still leave if he cheated, but it would be alot better if it were him that told me.
Heres an idea, go ask your buddies what you should do, and then do the opposite of what they tell you.  Don't hide behind a lie, you will harm your marriage for years to come.  Get it out and get help.

[Happy2girls]

I think there are valid points to both sides of this coin (telling vs. not telling).  First I want to say that you do seem very sincere in your regret as well as your love for your wife.  These are very good things.  Guilt is an awful burden so I do think that you need to get rid of the guilt, you had mentioned talking with a priest, this would be a good start in helping to aleviate some guilt.  It's my opinion that you need to talk ALONE with a marriage counselor before talking with your wife so you can sort out not only your reasons for your previous behavior but also your motivation in telling your wife.  You need to understand that your expectations may be far different than the reality if you do choose to tell your wife.  The thing is you may choose to keep this from her but she may find out anyway and leave you or you may decide to tell her expecting forgiveness and she may still leave you.  There is no way you can control the outcome.  You just need to do your best to FORGIVE yourself, understand the reasons for your behavior, keep on the path to bettering yourself and finally to accept the consequences of your mistakes.  Make it a commitment and a priority to make it up to your wife, she deserves it.  Then you'll know that no matter what happens you did your best.  Good luck to you and your wife.    

[RockRose]

Yes,  Laura,  if he's truly changed,  keep a past lie secret.

It doesn't help anyone to tell it.  

[laura1977]

I gotta say I disagree with you on this one.  Lie's have no place in a marriage!
This isn't like he had one fling, he did a bunch of stuff.
Heres the thing, what happens one day when him and his wife decide to go out with his buddies and their wives and start drinking, well one of his buddies wives starts talking to mridiots wife, and opps it slips that mridiot did some cheating.  You can't tell me that his buddies haven't discussed this with their wives?
Seems like people are shooting down the female on the other post who kissed another guy and not her husband, and yet you guys are telling this man to lie to his wife.
Double sided it seems.
If he doesn't tell his wife, then hey she doesn't know for awhile then they end up with a couple of kids on top of this mess, oh and then she finds out later on.  Now they have children involved, and the children are in the middle.  Wow, kind-of makes no sense to me.  Right now they have no children, and they can sort out stuff.  

[Happy2girls]

As you can see it is very hard for anyone to tell you what to do not really knowing you or your wife.  It is probably correct to say that the chances are pretty good that your wife will find out.  She can find out from you or she can find out from someone else.  I personally would rather hear it from my husband.  The thing to always remember is that it's not the telling or the not telling that will be detrimental to your marriage, it is the cheating and you can't take that back.  I think you have to make an honest effort here to right a wrong as best as you can and take your lumps.  Marriages do survive this and you seem to be on the right track.  Get some insight from a professional who has dealt with this situation.  Again, good luck.      

[laura1977]

The thing that I think of when giving this type of advice is what if I were the wife, or what if it were one of my daughters husband on here asking this.
So, correct me if I am wrong since everyone is stating that he shouldn't tell his wife,
If you had a daughter and her husband was out cheating on her, you think your daughter doesn't have a right to know?  
I think when we type stuff, we don't always realize that there is a human being involved that isn't getting a say so in the matter.  His wife didn't ask him to go out and cheat, she diserves a husband that is faithful, and if he isn't then she has their RIGHT to know since she is his wife.  His wife diserves to be able to make a choice if she is going to stay around or not.  Don't take that away from her.

[Happy2girls]

I'm not sure if you misunderstood my post.  I personally would want my husband to tell me.  But I think he should be clear about what his expectations are.  This is going to be a lot of work and he has the opportunity here to get some advice from a marriage counselor in how to proceed and achieve the best possible outome.  In other words, he is still clearly confused as to why he bahaved this way, he is definitly feeling guilty and needs that burden lifted.  Perhaps he should get himself straightened out before he approaches his wife.