Aa
Not emotionally connected
I have known my BF for many years. We have been steadily seeing each other for 9 months. He recently after many years went cold turkey off of valium. It has now been a couple of months through withdrawal. I recently asked him if he was emotionally connected to me. His response was he was as emotionally connected to me as he could be at this time. He would like to be more emotionally connected but can't be. He stated I met his emotional needs and cared for me deeply. I don't know what to think. Any ideas?
A new problem. BF and I went out of town for 2 days. His ex girlfrend from 30 years ago is in bad health. I have known that they communicated., While out of town he gets call from said ex and does not answer phone. I inquire why he states that he does not want to talk and it is none of my business. I ask if it is ex and he states yes she is probably calling with report from recent tests. She currently weighs 75 pounds and uses walker, he indicated she hurt back while moving furniture.? I have never met her so have no idea if this is true or not. He commences to telling me she does not know about our 9 month relationship but I do know about her and generally he keeps me informed of her medical condition. I in fact often ask how she is doing. During our conversation he indicated that she is a bit crazy and jealous and thinks in her world that they have some sort of relationship. He was vague when questioned as to what type of relationship. Said her other ex she also feels this way with and sees him every day. Needless to say I was not happy that this girl had no idea I existed and couldn't help but wonder why he had not told me about her fantasy previously. He stated she is sick and did not want to upset her. He did not answer phone also because he felt I would intereret things said as something other than what was meant. I know calls r made between them on a weekly basis. He stated he has visited her a couple times at her home and she has been at his once which I was previously aware of. He basically broke it off saying this was not working between us and I have this hole in my gut. Am I out of line or was he or? I care about him but see no reason for him hiding this fantasy thing from or me from her. Any comments. Thank you
Thank you for all your comments. I will continue to support him during this time. It has not been easy and he tells me he cannot believe I am hanging in there with him. Does anyone know approximately how long something like this takes to level out emotionally. Is it months, years. I understand everyone is different it's just I have never been in this situation before and outside of being there for support I really don't know what else I can do for him. Am I missing anything?
As the ladies above mentioned, your guy is being truthful and this is something to embrace rather then be angry with. He said that he is as emotionally attached as he could right now, and to me that means he is asking for your support to get through the addiction. He also stated that he wanted to be more emotionally attached, and I honestly believe that will come with your support through this.
Getting over his addiction is of the most importance, and you and a therapist can be the necessary ingredients to getting through. Be patient and supportive, that is what he needs right now.
I personally think that nothing is more rewarding than helping someone. This may or may not be exactly what you both need right now. The bottom line is, he needs to be healthy to move closer to you, and it sounds as if he truly knows that. Just know that you are doing the right thing by supporting this guy. If it has a story book ending, beautiful. If for some reason it didn't work out, but he gets cleaned up.... you'll end up having a life long friend and we can never have enough of those in life. Wish for the best, and support this guy with all you have! That is what friends are for, and best friends make the best life partners! I know this from first hand experience although from different circumstances.
Getting over his addiction is of the most importance, and you and a therapist can be the necessary ingredients to getting through. Be patient and supportive, that is what he needs right now.
I personally think that nothing is more rewarding than helping someone. This may or may not be exactly what you both need right now. The bottom line is, he needs to be healthy to move closer to you, and it sounds as if he truly knows that. Just know that you are doing the right thing by supporting this guy. If it has a story book ending, beautiful. If for some reason it didn't work out, but he gets cleaned up.... you'll end up having a life long friend and we can never have enough of those in life. Wish for the best, and support this guy with all you have! That is what friends are for, and best friends make the best life partners! I know this from first hand experience although from different circumstances.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, this is wonderful and you need to see it that way. Your guy is SMART! He's coming off of a drug dependence----------- that is HARD to do. He's been using valium to cope and at this point, he is relearning how to function without it.
I think what he has told you is very insightful and actually not a bad thing. He is learning to live life with valium. He is having a hard time. He is a little cold and hollow inside as he pulls his life together and feels distant from normality. His mind is playing tricks on him to get him to use again and he is resisting it. He's doing the best he can.
Don't push and don't ask about this again. His number one priority is to stay clean and he is vulnerable right now. You want a boyfriend free of drug addiction, right? Give him a chance to get strong with this. That is what he needs to be thinking about.
Your role is to be supportive and cheer him on. That's it. If you push and I were his therapist, I'd tell him to pick his reclaiming his life and getting off valium over a relationship at this point in his life.
So, just hang in there. I think he's going to be okay and that he is smart enough to not just say what you want to hear but how he is feeling. And he is feeling as close to you as he can right now which is good as many kicking a habit fall into a hole. So, be patient. I really hope it does work out for you and him both!!! Take care and peace.
I think what he has told you is very insightful and actually not a bad thing. He is learning to live life with valium. He is having a hard time. He is a little cold and hollow inside as he pulls his life together and feels distant from normality. His mind is playing tricks on him to get him to use again and he is resisting it. He's doing the best he can.
Don't push and don't ask about this again. His number one priority is to stay clean and he is vulnerable right now. You want a boyfriend free of drug addiction, right? Give him a chance to get strong with this. That is what he needs to be thinking about.
Your role is to be supportive and cheer him on. That's it. If you push and I were his therapist, I'd tell him to pick his reclaiming his life and getting off valium over a relationship at this point in his life.
So, just hang in there. I think he's going to be okay and that he is smart enough to not just say what you want to hear but how he is feeling. And he is feeling as close to you as he can right now which is good as many kicking a habit fall into a hole. So, be patient. I really hope it does work out for you and him both!!! Take care and peace.
He is answering you as honestly as he can at this moment in time,the fact that he is coming off vallium he is probably just concentrating on that at the moment and dont really wasnt anything else to get in the way of it,has he been hurt in the past this could be another reason,maybe he thinks that he isnt good enough for you at the moment and that if he screws up you will leave,and then return to his addiction,i would for the time being just be there for him as a friend more than a girlfriend,i hope it works out for you both.
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