Over possesive

Question

My boyfriend and I are very happy together. He lives with me so I see him everyday. I often don't get to see my friends unless he is with me. He doesn't want to be away from me. He gets angry if I say I want it to be just my friends and I. Also he doesn't even like to be with his friend unless I am there. I love him, but he is too possessive. How can I convince him that I need friend time, without him?

specialmom · Accepted Answer

Hi there.  Well, you are wise to get this fixed now before it gets worse.  These problems often get worse and not better and it is very unhealthy to live like this.  Set up an outing with your friends.  Tell him you are going and he is not.  When he gets all upset, tell him to get over it.  That you WILL have your friends and he has his and you'll do things together AND separately as that is normal and he needs to figure out what his problem is regarding this and fix it.  And go out with your friends without worrying about this.  He's an adult.  You set a boundary that says----  I will go out alone sometimes and he either gets over it and does so himself or this relationship won't work---  and THAT is what you need to tell him.  That couples are 'interdependent' not dependent as dependency is unhealthy.  If he doesn't trust you, he needs to communicate about that and work on it within himself.  Interdependent is what is healthy for a mature couple and it means that you are good as separate human beings but still together.  

good luck

NOHARD · Answer

Hi LeAnn, As life goes along its merry way, we all need time to ourselves, we need time with our friends, its secret talk time, same as your b/f should want the same, him wanting to be with you all the and you with him. Sounds very much like, he's trying to dominate you with his life and his ideas, this is not good for any future relationship to move on.
If you watch out he will be telling you what to wear, what cloths you should by, all to pleasure his ego, then it would carry on with what food you cook and buy, right trough to how you have sex.
This you must sort out now, domination is not a way of life, you should get this all sorted out now before your life as a real married couple goes any further .
Time to stamp your authority.
Good Luck

LeAnn_Lore · Answer

We are. It isn't often I see my friends,  but I am always happy around him. We just love being around each other. I do think it's all trust and insecurity. He wants us to get married, but in about two years. I have known him since I was a baby. Our families grew up together.  I mostly need a way to hwlp him over his insecurities so he will let me go with my friends.

TTinKKerBBell · Answer

....and ditto Chima7

Chima7 · Answer

I think it's interesting that you say you're both "very happy together" because clearly that's not the case at all. He has a serious insecurity issue which has manifested itself in his possessiveness of you. 

You need to be very careful and vigilant about this problem because it's guys like this who start small with not wanting you to spend time with your friends which eventually grows to cutting you off from your family and everyone else and it becomes you being a prisoner in your own home. More often than not that can turn into a serious abusive situation before you know it. A lot of girls get themselves into that trap because they ignored the red flags early on in the relationship which included such things as massive insecurity and possessiveness on the guys part. And people always say it couldn't happen to them and then all the sudden they find themselves in that position and wonder how they got there.

This is the moment in your relationship where you need to tell him that the possessiveness is unacceptable behavior and he needs to get over it. You should not tolerate that from anyone. Even when you're in a relationship you are still your own person and you need to have a balance of time spent with everyone in your life, not just him. If he can't accept that then frankly you need to show him the door. It will only get worse if you allow it to continue.

TTinKKerBBell · Answer

Ditto SpecialMom
Ditto NurseGirl

nursegirl6572 · Answer

See, I wouldn't recommend ramping things up to talks of a deeper committment, for a few reasons.  One, I think these basic relationship dynamics really need to be sorted through BEFORE going to the next level.  

Also, like you said, a lot of possessiveness stems from insecurity...if that's the case, and he's anxious and insecure, talks of marriage may have the opposite effect, and he may become even worse.  He needs to figure out why he's like that....marriage won't fix that...that's probably more of a personal issue.

Lastly, it sends a message that marriage will "fix" the problems.  If he cannot process the OP's love and loyalty NOW, I really doubt a marriage certificate will change that...plus, taking a relationship to a deeper level (adding marriage, kids) should never be used as a way to fix a relationship IMO.

Life360_Dave · Answer

Hi also, possessiveness can be fueled by many things but from my own personal experiences stems from insecurity on his part. If the two of you are truly happy with eachother and feel your right for eachother (since your living together anyway) why dont you add talk of marriage. If he knows you are all his and are his wifey, and plan a life together,  that could give him the security is is looking for. This commitment from you would prove your love and loyality.

nursegirl6572 · Answer

Well, the extreme in either direction is not good.  There should be a balance of couple time, friend time, alone time.  Too much or not enough time together is not healthy.

bossman33 · Answer

im going thru the same thing, but opposite. i want my significant other to start hanging with me with my friends, but he wont. im not saying he should hang with me all the time im hanging with friends, but i at least want to introduce him to them. i dont know. maybe its a good thing he want to be seperate all the time.