PLEASE HELP ASAP WITH THIS

[Tilly6661]

So I don't know what to do couple nights ago I found something in my fiancee phone in copy paste it was a porn site accidently cause I was copying and pasting a few things and it was their I asked and he got mad and defensive we argued and I apologised as usual but today I went on it to find out ways to sooth a sick baby we have a 3 month old and sex videos came up then disapeered so I went on his history things were deleted so I went to his gmail activity a ton of porn every time I was at work Or asleep .... It hurts so much he lied and this isn't the first time I told him I don't care just don't try to hide or lye about it but again it happened he lyer straight to my face how could someone you love do that over and over he says he felt guilty and would have told me in a while but I feel that's another lie in depressed and hurt but I'm acting fine.... Please what do i do I feel so broken and torn up.... I feel so unconftable with my body already cause of gaining wheight from having the baby and we havnt had sex as much I feel if I let it will end in a huge argument where I apologies...

[Tilly6661]

And he's the one not wanting sex as much at all from going every other to every couple days to a week and a half etc etc all he wanted was a rare no nothing to do with sex..

[Nighthawk61]

He has traded your sex life for a play date with porn actors.

[Nighthawk61]

So in other words, if he means that no one gets hurt by him watching porn (when he said " he said he can't do anything to it (he can't do it him self which is normal)" BOTH OF YOUR SEX LIVES HAVE DIMINISHED SINCE HE'S BEEN WATCHING PORN. It's not helping you get over your feelings of (maybe) inadequacy after gaining a few pounds after the carrying and birth of your daughter is it?

I see a big red flag when i hear a woman say "   I asked and he got mad and defensive we argued and I apologised as usual " You won't admit what bothers you, and when you do, and he makes a fuss , you end up apologizing. It is because he overwhelms you with his rejection of you telling him how you feel? Does his anger overwhelm you ? so much so that it's hard for you to speak your mind? or are you naturally humble and accepting of anything he says?

You need to work on how you communicate. You have to get in touch with your feelings, and learn how to tell him how you feel. It might help you a great deal to talk to a therapist about how to communicate what's important for you, what's acceptable for you,  in a relationship. I think this should be your first move.

[Nighthawk61]

He's embarrassed that he got caught. I would imagine many men use porn and are ashamed that they do and that's why they lie, even when caught red handed. The fact is that if he has a "ton of porn" he would be considered a sexual addict. and there's help with that should he not cease and desist once you and he start to resume your earlier intimacy (if you want to work on yourself to get to that point). Do you like having sex with your partner as you are right now? If not, and you would like to feel more comfortable, you can work out, perhaps change your diet and get your figure back. It's quite possible if you have the passion to do so. You've said that you and he are not having sex as much because of the body issues you feel you have. Not that he has with your body. So if it were me, and i wanted to stay in the marriage (which i'm not sure i would) but if you do, then make the time to look after yourself, so that YOU feel better about your figure, and try to work on the marriage by getting back to your former intimacy. It might be that the porn is simply Plan B for him, because he knows you're not that interested in being intimate with him. Once you feel good about you, revisit his need for outside stimulation. I found an amazing women on Youtube to start a daily work out plan, her name is Miranda Esmond White. She's an older ballerina that has low impact excises that can help you get back your earlier fitness. Eat to Live is an excellent book to help you get yourself on a diet that will ensure you are your healthiest nutritionally while losing excess body fat. I wish you every success. Marriage is about compromise. I think your husband loves you but cannot fathom why you are not as interested in sex as you once were. He may find you just as beautiful as ever with no change. Change for you, not for anyone else.

[Tilly6661]

He said it was cause he wanted to learn more things which I get but we have talked but it does bother me but as he said he can't do anything to it (he can't do it him self which is normal) but I'm I guess I should tell him it bugs me how to I say it though without sounding insecure or naggy

[Nighthawk61]

sorry i'm a bit confused... maybe you can explain it to me so that i can understand better to help you.?

Bottom line, your question is " Should (I) tell him it bugs me, how do i say it though without sounding insecure or naggy?" yet before that, it sounds like you DID TELL HIM IT BUGS YOU"  It sounds like you've said, "he said it was because he wanted to learn more" and you said "I get it" then you say "BUT WE TALKED BUT IT DOES BOTHER ME" do you mean he talked, you listened and still did not tell him you didn't like it?

"He can't do anything to it, he can't do it himself which is normal" I have no idea what you mean here, can you explain what he meant by saying that? Did he mean that it's harmless because he's not there physically with the porn actors?

If it were me i might at this point download a ton of porn and, and like a science experiment, see if he  minded if his partner watched other males doing the deed. It might serve to shake him up a bit and at least, maybe have him feel how you feel. Maybe. Maybe it would help.

My bottom line is this. We need partners to be compatible sexually. To me, making love is about two people and it wouldn't be acceptable to me if my partner needed anyone other than yours truly to satisfy him sexually.

I don't think he's busy enough. I think he's got too much time on his hands. I think rather than spending an extraordinary amount of time downloading and watching "tons of porn" he should be looking for a part time job that might include a hobby he likes. ie. if he likes carpentry, build cabinetry in his spare time. This way he could enhance your real sex life by two tickets to a nice cruise or vacation.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd suggest you stop looking in his phone.  Don't you have any other electronics in the house to look up three ways to soothe a crying baby?  What do you do for that kind of reference when he is not home with his phone?

Women write in a lot on MedHelp about feeling put down when their husband or boyfriend looks at porn, but it never really sounds like that's what the fight is really about.  For one thing, it never seems to happen in relationships where everything else is going great, only where there are more subtle issues.  I was not being flip when saying to stop looking in his phone, I was saying don't blame the fight on what you dig up on him on his phone.  Don't try to manipulate him with guilt over a porn site.  It sounds more like what is bothering you (if you were to discuss it directly) is whether you are as attractive to him as you were.  Ask him.  Talk to him about that.  Then fights over something as trivial as him looking at raunchy websites should die down.  

[RockRose]

Tilly,  first,  you need to be honest with yourself that you DO care about the porn,  it isn't just the lying.  And he knows you care about the porn and not just the lying,  and that's why he's not telling you the truth.

Otherwise,  besides finding this porn on his phone,  is he a good partner and father?

[Tilly6661]

Yes he's a good father and alot of the time a good partner but this isn't the first lies he has told me and I confronted him about but I never win...