PORN!!! when is enough enough

[waitn838]

i need opinions from men and women please....

here's the quick version of whats going on

my bf and i have been together for over a year...when we first started dating we had sex most days 2x a day and he couldnt wait til i got off to have sex with me and he was nagging me for it...it made me feel so wanted and i loved it...i fell in love with him because i felt so good about myself and him and us

so now here we are...a couple of things have happened...we both moved 500 miles from our friends and i left my family behind...i had a miscarriage at the beginning of march and our relationship is tumbling it feels like

so my major gripe is PORN....help me here

i have told him numerious it makes me feel uncomfortable...ok there is nothing wrong with watching porn but when my bf is wacking off to porn more than we are having sex there's a problem...wouldnt you agree?

i am completely turned off anymore to have sex with him because i know he's relieving his sexual frustration with smut online....so now our sex life has become bland and ive tried to explain this to him and yet he still continues to get off on porn

its to the point that i can tell by his face without looking at the pc history when he was checking out porn...he seems less affectionate towards me

ok so me as the female is completely frustrated and i dont know how to handle this...i feel like ive been replaced by a porn star...i dont mind watching porn but when the partner is releasing themselves to it...it makes me feel degraded as a woman....am i crazy for feeling this way?

how would you suggest i deal with this? honestly it wouldnt be an issue if our sex life wasnt so bland

[OTuathal]

I see a couple issues: this use of porn has increased since you have moved 500 miles from you support system, and since you have had a miscarriage. these are two highly emotional situations. he may be feeling unsafe and/or uncertain how to express his feelings on either subject. thus, he pulls away. porn is means of numbing himself out. it is clearly not intimacy he is seeking but distraction from his feelings. your confronting him about it, simply pushes him away more.

you both need to find a way of reopening the lines of communication. I would suggest you find a couple and family counselor. if money is a problem, you can go to your local university and see practicum students: these are graduates (masters/Ph.d.s) who have had all their coursework, but need practice--they are supervised, so you get their professor's help, too. also, many therapists will see people on a sliding scale.  

good luck

[jo929]

On this, i agree with Agiesmom    Luck Jo

[Emmylou1981]

First off I wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I keep thinking....hasn't this woman been through enough?????

I think that maybe since he told you he wanted to wait a while before TTC again he is turning to Porn to alleviate himself. And he probably does not want to bring up that whole conversation about TTC again with you. It's not right what he is doing. I don't have a problem with porn, but when he chooses Porn over you like the other woman are saying, it then becomes a problem. He doesn't seem to be communicating with you very well, he seems to be avoiding it at all cost here. I also had a problem not too long ago with my hubby about online porn. We were TTC and he gets home an hour before me. And its seems that he would always run home....do his business....and that was it. I finally had to talk to him and tell him that it really bothered me that he would choose to do that than to be with be especially when we were TTC. All of this is very difficult to deal with, now a days SEX is everywhere and it's hard when you have a problem.

If you really love this man you really need to try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. This is probably just another bump in the road (I have been through many in 8 years). You are a very strong woman and you can get through this.....believe in yourself. TALK it out and ask him maybe if there is anything that you could do to put the spark back in you sex-life. I know it might be hard but ask him, "What can I do for you". Don't sit there and basically yell at him because it will only make it worse.

I hope some of this is helpful.....ad I know everyone has their own opinions and everyones relationships are different.

Good Luck

[treazzure007]

I think some men become lazy and get out of the habit of forplayin' and pleasin' a real woman when they find it easier to just stare at a screen and stroke themselves.  That and he may also be addicted to porn.  

I also agree with Jaybay.  There may be things going on with him in the back of his mind.  Men dont often come out and communicate openly and effectively

[InstantD]

I have to disagree that porn is bad on the whole. It's natural! Look, people get horny. You know this, because you and your boyfriend were horny together, and you're missing it. Was there something wrong with you because you liked having sex? No! Of course not. It's completely natural. Well, looking at beautiful people having sex together is a form of entertainment, and just another, different avenue of being horny. Do most the women look fake or overdone? Yes! Does your partner think you should look like that: probably not. A partner in a relationship who watches porn can also still be invested in the relationship. It's like if you masturbate - you still like your bf, but it feels good to touch yourself. How would you like it if your bf felt threatened and whimpered every time you touched your vagina and clit? Well, that's what you're doing to him. Please, take this advice and lay off of that. Watching porn does not mean that a person is no longer interested in his/her partner, it's just that s/he is horny and likes looking at people having sex. I know because I (a woman) am one of those people... Excuse me, but I had to get that off of my chest. So many of us are scared of porn, when we shouldn't be.

That said, I agree with the other commentators that it is a problem when your partner chooses porn over you - why do that when you have the real thing? As Jaybay pointed out, sex/porn are probably not the entire problem - it's the drama of the relationship. He may feel pressured to have sex w/you, and is avoiding the hassle of having to deal with all the unsaid things. It's hard to get in the mood with someone who is accusing you of hurting them, by doing something so close to what they are asking you to do. I'm not saying that it's right for him to ignore your feelings, but maybe this is your chance to accept this aspect of him, and try to approach this in a different way - if you're horny, do you initiate by kissing, caressing, etc.?

[Jaybay]

Have you asked him why he feels he needs to have porn in his life?  Obviously you're making yourself available to him, so he certainly can't blame you for not "taking care" of his needs.  When you told him his behavior makes you uncomfortable, what did he say?  Some guys just watch porn no matter how much sex they have in real life.  I'll confess I don't understand the attraction, but there it is.  

You've only been with this man for a year, and already lost a child.  That's a whole lot of drama and trauma to deal with in a short time.  First you're in the head-over-heels, infatuated, going at it like rabbits stage, and then move, and then you get pregnant and miscarry.  You both have nobody but each other since you said your friends and family are 500 miles away.  I really don't think sex and porn are the big problems here.  It sounds more like symptoms of something else going on in his head.  You and your boyfriend are the only people who can figure this thing out and fix it.  If you need to see a therapist to keep those conversations civil and constructive, then do it!

I really wish I had some sage words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is pick your battles and let the little things slide.  He may never give up his porn, and obviously you can't force him to do so.  It's your decision whether you want to live with that in your life.

[Aloysia]

If he's feeling as if your attaking him by telling him how you feel then he obviously knows it's wrong.....it's whether he cares enough to change or not...

[waitn838]

how do i communicate this to him wihtout him feelling like im attacking him?

[Agiesmom]

Porn is not ok.  That industry is full of emotionally damaged or addicted women who are being exploited for money and other people's amusement and most men who enjoy such things would be horrified if their wives, sisters, or daughters were involved in it.  How would your boyfriend feel to know someone was masturbating to a video of his sister or daughter being exploited in that way?

That aside...if he's chosing an alternative to being with you sexually (no matter what the alternative), there's a problem and you are right to be feeling the way you do.

[Aloysia]

I feel the same way as you do with the subject....I can sit there and watch it with him but if he decides to tune into it while I'm not there and do his thing and leave me hanging then ITS ON!
I had this issue with a previous relationship that I am no longer in as he just took it too far..... I wasn't getting any in the end WHATSOEVER....I would find clothes with *** stains all over them and I ended up ripping all his magazines up Porn and any other magazine that even has a half naked girl in it!
It lowered my self esteem  big time and it will do the same to you if it hasn't already!
If he knows how unconfertable it makes you feel and diregards your feelings on it and hides it then there's a BIG problem!
I ******* hate porn it's so degrading to women and it's not real!!!! All those girls are fixed up to the tee with computer technology...no woman looks that perfect...so please realize that.....have you tried maybe putting on a sexy outfit or tried spicing things up yourself in the bedroom?
I know it's hard because if your feeling the same way as I did...comparing yourself to those fake girls can be majorly upsetting.....
You need to communicate on this one...let him know you are able to watch it together and if he can't except the fact that you don't want him watching it on his own because it's affecting your sex life and your self esteem then to be honest I would be walking out that door!