I watch porn and she hates it

[selfish191]

I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years and we have a 2 year old son together and we are due to get married next year.
I have watched porn for nearly 10 years now. I was the typical teenager who looked at it on the web but never grew out of it and never felt the need to cause i enjoy it. My partner has very strong views and morals about porn and she id against it. It came out about 2 years ago that i had been using phone lines. Yes before anybody says anything, it was wrong! I was disgusted with myself. I had hurt my partner in so many ways and knew that i had to stop. I felt like i had lost control because i was running up some huge bills and i was lying about it. She discovered that i had been also using the PC to view porn on quite a regular basis. This destroyed her because she had found out that i'm not the person she thought i was. I lied about porn, saying that it doesn't interest me because i knew how she felt about it. I thought to myself i have a massive problem that i can't control and i was so good at hiding it and lying about it. Amazing she forgave me and it took some time but we moved past it. At this moment i knew it all had to stop and for a while i didn't feel the need to view it. So i went cold turkey if you will. One day my partner was at work and i had the house to myself and i decided to look at some porn. I felt so guilty after this cause i knew how it would have made her feel if she found out so i decided to cover my tracks and not tell her cause i didn't want to hurt her. so it started to happen a few more times and before i knew it i was doing it a few times a week but always covering my tracks. But she discovered some on the computer that i had missed. Oh god what have i done. 2 years ago i nearly lost her and my son cause of porn and now she is so angry with me and hates me. i promised to her that i would never watch it again and she said she didn't mind as long as i told her, but i chose to hide it away from her. we even tried to watch some porn together but it didn't do anything for her. she has been so honest with me and i have been a coward and selfish. i feel so perverted for it and i don't want to loose her or my son, i love them so much. she is mainly angry about the fact that i lied again and again but every time i thought it was just a one off and she didn't have to know. i do feel so guilty and i hate my self for liking porn and i don't want it in my life anymore cause my family mean too much to me. i blew it once before 2 years ago and i have done it again. she doesn't trust me and quite rightly so. at first we discussed that i made have an addiction to porn but after doing some research, i don't. it is a hobby that i need to quit. i know how it makes her feel and after reading some many blogs, girls you will completely agree with how she feels. it makes her feel jealous, insecure, worthless but mainly angry cause i lied about it. we are having some time away from each other at the moment which is killing me. No offence gents but i have seen your responses and its not the answers i'm looking for. Ladies, please help me save my relationship with my fiance.

[teko]

I can only speak for me. As a woman, I do not like to watch it, dont get anything out of it at all and am lucky that my significant other feels the same, and if he didnt I would not be with him. That simple. I am also a big one on telling the truth, and feel like if your gonna lie about one thing and hide it, then your going to lie about just about anything else, no matter how small or how large. The porn thing is destructive if someone is not for it, in many ways. It might make a woman feel, insecure, or jealous, of that she is not enough for her mate some how. These feelings are not fun to have and many women see it the same as their mate cheating on them. If you look upon someone with lust you have already committed adultry in your heart, that sort of thing. Me its just a major turn off and I personally do not respect a man that gets into it. But hey thats me! As for the lying! Dude that one is huge! That destroys the core of what a relationship stands for. How do you go back from there after lying? I am not sure you can. You have told her you were not doing the porn, she asked you to never lie. She told you in effect that if you do do it, please do not lie to me. This is telling you which she considers to be the bigger sin. Lying. So the wound is deep and hurtful and festering. I am not sure you can ever go back at this point. It will all depends on what she percieves a future with you to be and if it is something she even wants to work on. I hope for your sake that with some therepy and time your relationship heals. But you must remember, if you marry her, these are her views about porn and lying. Are you prepared to take the vows for life and mean them? You need to decide if you can live with those views and agree to them, forever. If not, you two are probably better off separated because you cannot meet in the middle so to speak.

[specialmom]

Well,  okay.  Let me ask you in what ways this is hindering your relationship besides the obvious surface stuff . . . you lying, etc.  Yes that stinks--------  shame on you and all but what is happening with you two as a couple.  Are you intimate or does porn get in the way?  Are you really desperate to stop but find yourself unable to?  Are you avoiding other things and porn is your outlet for doing so?  Does it help you mask  other issues in your life?  Do you view porn because the frequency of sex in your relationship is not enough?  

What I am getting at is that this is a two fold problem.  I think that we as partners to someone we love should be able to put their needs ahead of our own.  If you think of conflict within a relationship as a scale and each person assigns it a number one through 10------ it makes it easier to decide how to proceed with a compromise or that there is no compromise. Most things are in the 3 to 7 category and then we have a few higher things with just a couple of 10's.  10 would represent deal breakers------- things that we aren't willing to compromise on.  So if porn is a 10 for her------ you have to find a way to give it up (unless it is a 10 for you and then you are doomed and this won't work).  If it is a 5 then there is some room for compromise.  

Now I am not pro porn or anti porn.  It doesn't bother me.  I've never been with a man that was into it (have no idea why . . . my pheromones attract the nonporn type I guess). . . but I don't think I'd go crazy if my man viewed it.  BUT . . . I'm secure, feel loved and am generally happy with myself.  I'd be just as p.o'd when I got home and found the dishwasher not unloaded if he had been watching football as I would be if he were watching porn.  So there is something to your girlfriend's insecurities that are her issue.  Again, I think someone can be against porn but when I hear it is because they feel bad about themselves . . . that is a red flag for me.  I think it objectives women and presents sex in a way that it really shouldn't be in a committed relationship (as in just sex vs. lovemaking. . . and you know, with farm animals and pitch forks . . . or whatever).  Or if my partner had nothing left for me because he was porning out instead Or if he wasn't watching the kids due to spending too much time doing "it" Or if one of our little cherubs stumbled upon it (as in our children see it or HIM watching it . . . YIKES!) Or if there was something in my partner's life that controlled him . . . well------- those are the things that I see an issue with porn.  Oh, and the fact that many a man/woman that view porn then wants 'more' in the life and often stray from their relationship as they try to live out what they've seen . . . there is a statistic about that which is NOT flattering for porn.

Whew!  I digress.  

So, a therapist may be able to help you sort it out.  I'd recommend that.  If you can't control yourself-------  that is an issue when you want to be able to.  Usually cold turkey is the way to go but be careful that you don't fill in with something else when porn is gone if it is being used as a drug to make you feel better.  Sex addiction is complicated but you can overcome it if you have the will to do so.  It is not worth losing your family over.  So find a therapist (call your insurance company and general practitioner for a referral) and work on this.  You can do it!  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

All she wants to hear from you is "I have a problem and I am going to get help."  Tell her where and when (there are programs for this, 12-step type, or therapists who specialize).  Have her go with you to your first meeting (or more).  And keep going until you unearth why you do it and why you minimize it.  It is not "a hobby" if it ruins your life, you hide it, it creates trouble between you and your loved ones, and you can't keep away from it.  (That is the profile for obsessive behavior, nor hobbies.  A person with a hobby could take it or lay it down tomorrow and do something different.  You've shown that you can't.)  Find help now, sign up for it, get the time and place and date, and tell your partner.  She comes too, to see you actually doing it, and then you stay with it.  

That's pretty much the whole way to save your relationship.  As well as your self-respect.

[Courtcoop]

I have no problem my partner and I watching together, but if he is hiding behind a computer or on chat lines or spending $$$ on it, lying about it, I would have a HUGE problem.

I would a.) feel inadequate b.) be turned off by my partner c.) be resentful d) leave if it was not resolved.

You seriously need some help ...no sympathy here. Sorry