Relationship Failure?

[KATE535]

I have been with my Fiance for almost 4 years. We have a 19 month old daughter but also he is step-father to my two sons from a previous relationship.
To summarise the problems we have - my fiance has never accepted my eldest son. By his own admission he calls him a mini-_____ (my ex parters name) He has always labelled him to be like his father. Over the years I have tried to improve his tolerance levels towards my son, but he always reverts back to the constant criticising of him, and the put-downs.
By now, my son (eldest) has little respect or appreciation for his step-father. He has lost it all. Now all we have is the pair of them clashing everyday - my son answers his step father back constantly, but I hardly blame him sometimes as he has had enough of his put-downs.
By this point, you wonder why I am with him, right? I'm not a bad mother, my fiance is the most fantastic father to our daughter. He plays with her, cuddles her, takes time off work to spend the day with her, etc.
So I encourage him to stop his criticisms, but yet he goes back. And we are in a vicious cycle of dis-harmony. Yet my daughter has a daddy in her life that is wonderful.
I just dont know what to do anymore, our relationship is breaking down as I defend mt son all the time.
What do I do? :(

[specialmom]

Ugh.  I still don't.  You've had some issues in your decision making all along.  You were 'rescued' from an abusive situation.  This means that you had made a bad choice there too and couldn't get yourself out of it.  And now, you are in a bad situation again------- and unable to remove yourself.  

He is not her husband as of yet-----------  still a fiance.  After moving in and fathering a child.  

I'm not meaning to be tough on you but now is the time to take responsibility for your life.  Your decisions have put you in this situation.  Men do not have to be present to have a life and you went from one man to the next.  And I am sure that the problems between your current boyfriend and son have always been there.  He is more and more free with his feelings and showing it more readily now-------------  unable to control it, in fact-------------  and this will get worse.  Wait until the difficult teenage years come about.

My advice stays unchanged.  I worry for your boys and your further information you've given me makes me concerned for your ability to see things clearly.  I would consider counseling to address that.  I do wish you luck and hope that you and your boys and now daughter stay safe.  good luck

[brice1967]

After reading this last post, I kind of see things in a different light perhaps.  What used to sound like borderline abuse or at least some disrespect towards your eldest son, now sounds a bit like tough love. (He's got a different way to get around to it however.)

I suggested in my earlier post that your husband might try some counseling, but I suggest the entire family try some.  It's amazing at what can be exposed and treated in therapy sessions.  Quite often the therapists office stands as neutral ground and things that aren't exposed at home get exposed in a session.

[KATE535]

Thankyou for your valuable opinions.
Whilst it was a great value to me to read your answers, it was also the most painful thing I've hever ad to read.
Father's Day has just passed here, and so I am going to be showing him this Page this evening.
I can understand from what I wrote why you might say ''How can you repect and want to be with this guy - a grown man who treats a child - ANY child but in this case your child, like this? It must have started before you got pregnant to him?'' but I was only focusing on how bad it has become of late.
The whole picture includes the fact my fiance rescued us from a terribly abusive relationship. One I could not get out of that meant my eldest son spoke to me badly (even at 6, then) as he had learnt if from his father's disrespectful attitude to me.
When we started out (my now fiance) he helped return that respect, teaching the boys to love their mother, and respect her.
It began 6 months in where we had problems with my eldest warming to his father (who he still saw twice a week) and we tried our best to teach him well. However my fiance (gradually) became more critical of my eldest son over time in face of some of the problems. He would rarely, but occasionally say mini-___ if my eldest had hurt his little brother lately. I have put a stop to him saying that a long time ago.
Criticisms are because my son will play 18 Xbox games with his father, like Call of Duty. We have begged my son to say no to playing them, but he continues regardless. He sounds naughty, but he isn't really. He just doesn't always respect things I ask. I tell him those games are bad and will give you nightmares etc. He still will play them with his father.
My fiance became more and more critical and so I have been defending my son more and more against tellings-off. This has led my son to feeling at ease as I defend him and step in before certain criticisms may arise.
I still see things in a serious light - I am not blind to the situation - I even took the children to my old house (not ex-partners house!) and we looked at the work needed etc, so to move in. So I have told my fiance I'm leaving him. This was a week ago. I came back as he swore he would change and was in total desperation. I felt I had to give him a chance on the basis he changes. I wrote this post a few days later to 'talk' to people on the outside about all the problems.
Things always take time, and he took my son for quality time together Sat morning, they played Pool etc.
In the time we have been together he makes wonderful meals for them, us all (used to be a Chef)
I only painted a picture of the bad points.
My son needs time too as that respect (as I said before) has been depleated, and at the moment, as my fiance holds back, my son is making the most of it and being quite cheeky quite a lot. But I am on his side - he is my child - and I will leave if my fiance slips into all the negativity again. By the way my eldest is 9 and he is at an age where they like to test the boundaries :)

  

[perch101]

I know you may not be getting the responses you want hear - but I agree with the first 3 posters.
I don't have kids myself yet (I believe the others who have posted all do) BUT I did feel compelled to add this - I know I could not be attracted to, or even respect, a man who was cruel to a child. How can you repect and want to be with this guy - a grown man who treats a child - ANY child but in this case your child, like this? It must have started before you got pregnant to him?

Don't get it! And I really agree with anniebrooks statement that if you go - you have 3 kids that will do okay. If you stay - your oldest Son will be scarred by this - in what are very important years for him in forming his self-esteem and self-worth etc.

I really hope you have the stregnth to save your son. By staying - you are saying to your son "how your step dad treats you is okay''.

[AnnieBrooke]

Look at it this way.  If you go, because you are a good mom, you will have three happy kids.  If you stay, you will have one kid who is actively unhappy because you have put him in the cage with the tiger, and one son in the middle (who might or might not get this same treatment, or just be ignored, or get OK treatment but not as good as his little sister), and a daughter who gets good treatment.  I would take three kids who get treated well over keeping the littlest one the adored princess at the expense of the others, especially the oldest one.  You are their mom and your first duty is to your children, not to the guy you aren't married to anyway, who is treating your beloved son badly.

[specialmom]

Ugh.  Difficult situation for sure.  I do not think you can live with a man though that makes your son feel bad for who he is.  Mini version of his father?  Well, you picked his dad, right?  And how unfair and cruel to now dislike him because of that.  

I'd not stay with a man that made my child feel bad about who he is whether I made another child with him or not.  

I'm sure you ARE a good mother and this is why this weighs heavily on your mind.  It can't go on for your son's sake.  

Rockrose said what I am thinking too.  You need to make a HAPPY home for your son and that means without this man.  good luck

[RockRose]

I think you should leave,  or send your oldest son to live with loving grandparents/aunt and uncle,  etc.  It's ruining your son's chances at success and self-esteem to be around this man who can't manage to be kind to him out of jealousy because he reminds your boyfriend of your previous relationship.

I think you should have left before getting pregnant,  actually.  It's like you've forced your son to live in a cage with a tiger and your son can't get out.