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Relationship problem
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. We have a 3 year old together and own our home. My problem is that since we bought the house she has only paid half of the morgage 2 times. I have been paying for 9o percent of everything she enjoys what I work hard for but don't help. We always argue because she don't keep the house clean or clean up after herself her stuff is everywhere. The only time she cleans up is after I get real angry then she will do a crap job of cleaning to keep me from breaking up with her. I own my own business and work a lot and get even more stressed out when I come home to a big mess. I feel trapped and used and think I should leave her. Any ideas of what to do.
Be careful not to confuse money problems with relationship problems. When money is tight and you feel like you are carrying the burden alone it can cause alot of anxiety and tension. If this is the case it might pay you to dial your expenses back a few notches and see if your own mood doesnt improve... If she is reluctant to spend her money in the household now then she has probably been this way since you met her and at first it didn't bother you... Why is that?
BUT
If you are just unhappy communicate this to her. She may be unhappy as well.
Not all relationships work but oviously you'll both need to face some big changes if you split so think it through.
P.S. Remember both parents together in a miserable relationship is not a great enviroment to raise a child in.
"M"
BUT
If you are just unhappy communicate this to her. She may be unhappy as well.
Not all relationships work but oviously you'll both need to face some big changes if you split so think it through.
P.S. Remember both parents together in a miserable relationship is not a great enviroment to raise a child in.
"M"
Your statement....."I feel trapped and used and think I should leave her." I am getting the feeling you just want out of this relationship with this woman. Sounds like you are starting to loathe her.
COMMUNITY LEADER
In truth, Brice, your situation works so beautifully because you two accept what is as being IT. You are married, commited and just work it out with no hard feelings. I'm a little worried about the hard feelings here and reluctance of seeing what is contributed to expenses as part of being a family together. Your girlfriend does pay for things. Does she also pay for the preschool your child attends plus day care when she is working? Does she buy herself clothes, the child clothes or does she charge everything and give you the bill. Does she purchase food ever? She is working. She does pay for thing. She's not a great house cleaner. That you can work on patiently with her.
I agree that you should sit down and speak with her calmly and not in a way that makes it sound like she is awful. But rather, hash out a plan to be a better partnership when it comes to finances and home care.
Are you sure you aren't starting to be dissatisfied with this relationship overall?
I agree that you should sit down and speak with her calmly and not in a way that makes it sound like she is awful. But rather, hash out a plan to be a better partnership when it comes to finances and home care.
Are you sure you aren't starting to be dissatisfied with this relationship overall?
Hey man, I hear ya. I'll say this about my house and our situation. When our house is clean, it is clean. When its a mess, it's usually a mess. We've got kids who are teens now, my wife and I respectively have either a 100 or 90 mile, round trip commute and our kids are involved in numerous activities.
When I am home, I clean. When my wife is home, she cleans. We both have a priority when it comes to cleaning. For me, its the bathrooms and the kitchen sink. For her, it is the counter tops and laundry. We've never really discussed it, but that is the way it is. Our kids are old enough now that they can knock down some of those chores. Yeah, they could do better, but they do help. (Vacuuming... my thing totally. If I let the kids do it, I have to re-do it. Drives me nuts, but I won't let it ruin my life.)
When it comes to paying the bills, my wife makes more money than I do these days. Between the both of us, we get paid every other week so some bills come out of my checks and some come out of her checks. As time goes by, some months she covers the mortgage and others I get the burden. Bottom line with us is, the bills are our bills and the cleaning is our responsibility.
Perhaps you and the wife need to have a nice sit down and really go over everything, but do it civilly. I had always had respect for the amount and quality of care my wife gave our kids. Honestly, I could not have done as well as I have without her.... no doubt.
There is a book out there called "The 5 Love Languages". Perhaps before having this sit down talk, you guys can pick up this book and give it a read together. It might shine a few lights on a few things and add to the other persons perspective.
Good luck, and this is all solveable.
When I am home, I clean. When my wife is home, she cleans. We both have a priority when it comes to cleaning. For me, its the bathrooms and the kitchen sink. For her, it is the counter tops and laundry. We've never really discussed it, but that is the way it is. Our kids are old enough now that they can knock down some of those chores. Yeah, they could do better, but they do help. (Vacuuming... my thing totally. If I let the kids do it, I have to re-do it. Drives me nuts, but I won't let it ruin my life.)
When it comes to paying the bills, my wife makes more money than I do these days. Between the both of us, we get paid every other week so some bills come out of my checks and some come out of her checks. As time goes by, some months she covers the mortgage and others I get the burden. Bottom line with us is, the bills are our bills and the cleaning is our responsibility.
Perhaps you and the wife need to have a nice sit down and really go over everything, but do it civilly. I had always had respect for the amount and quality of care my wife gave our kids. Honestly, I could not have done as well as I have without her.... no doubt.
There is a book out there called "The 5 Love Languages". Perhaps before having this sit down talk, you guys can pick up this book and give it a read together. It might shine a few lights on a few things and add to the other persons perspective.
Good luck, and this is all solveable.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with Londres and will add that living with someone that has a different idea of how the home should be is tough regardless if they contribute financially or not. That is a compatibilit issue. And believe it or not, it is hard on both parties. She may feel like she doesn't measure up and you feel like . . . well, she doesn't measure up. That is unpleasant for both of you.
So, when you do talk to her, be encouraging. Help her come up with a way to be more orgnanized and get housework done. Perhaps a schedule, a room a day type of thing. A 20 or 15 minute clean up for her a night to get the 'clutter' put away before bed. (a 10 minute clean up with your child for their things is also a good habit to start). Try to sound helpful and present ideas to make it easier (clean as you go, the room a day, the set minute end of day clean up) and don't make her feel like a loser for not having done it all along.
As to her working and still now paying, well----------- how much does she make and what does she do with her money? Is she using it for living expenses??
I don't know, my husband and I did agree on my being a stay at home mom with my husband being a bit wondering what it would be like. I left a large income behind. He tells me now that it made life better. But that was our choices and what worked for us and it was worth the sacrifice. It does put a lot of pressure on him no doubt. Do you feel working only 3 days a week is not enough? Your daughter is getting older and will be in school more soon enough. Perhaps she'll be more full time then?? The reality is though that even full time sometimes doesn't provide a huge income for some people and she may never be a equal partner financially. Was she ever???? Just curious.
It's hard. These are those 'business' issues I always think of when making a good parnership. In the end, I think they can be what breaks or makes a relationship last. good luck
So, when you do talk to her, be encouraging. Help her come up with a way to be more orgnanized and get housework done. Perhaps a schedule, a room a day type of thing. A 20 or 15 minute clean up for her a night to get the 'clutter' put away before bed. (a 10 minute clean up with your child for their things is also a good habit to start). Try to sound helpful and present ideas to make it easier (clean as you go, the room a day, the set minute end of day clean up) and don't make her feel like a loser for not having done it all along.
As to her working and still now paying, well----------- how much does she make and what does she do with her money? Is she using it for living expenses??
I don't know, my husband and I did agree on my being a stay at home mom with my husband being a bit wondering what it would be like. I left a large income behind. He tells me now that it made life better. But that was our choices and what worked for us and it was worth the sacrifice. It does put a lot of pressure on him no doubt. Do you feel working only 3 days a week is not enough? Your daughter is getting older and will be in school more soon enough. Perhaps she'll be more full time then?? The reality is though that even full time sometimes doesn't provide a huge income for some people and she may never be a equal partner financially. Was she ever???? Just curious.
It's hard. These are those 'business' issues I always think of when making a good parnership. In the end, I think they can be what breaks or makes a relationship last. good luck
Sounds like the situation between you and your gf just evolved into this and you all didn't really plan this out. Now, you are in a situation you NEVER wanted; dealing with the financial burden of taking care of her and a "stay at home mom" who works pretty much part-time. How in the world did you all buy a house together and she is obviously in NO position to even make morgage payments? Is the house in both of your names?
Sounds like she makes considerably less money and is a lousy housekeeper. Working long hours and coming home to a mess.....hmmm...I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. Nobody wants to play "maid service" after a long day at work. She is caring for your child though. How does she do in that sense?
I know how you feel about the house situation. My husband and I are "neat freaks" and can't function in clutter and chaos. We wouldn't be happy in a unorganized home. Plus, we both work and equally contribute financially to the household. We wouldn't have it any other way. Can't see how your house/home isn't being kept when she is caring for only one child.
I would have another conversation with her about all this. Tell her what you need, etc. I am not sure if you're at the "fed up" point where you just want out of the relationship with her and only take care of your child OR if you really care or love her and want to work this out.
You both will have to weight this out carefully because you have a child involved. If she increases her work in order to increase her paycheck and help out more financially, who will care for the child? If it will be a childcare facility that won't be cheap and will take away from her paycheck then you're back at "square one."
Is it possible for her to find a place of her own to rent and you all separate and see how that works? That would mean you take on 100% of the morgage though and you would be obligated to give her child support, however, you wouldn't be having her as a financial burden and you would have your organized clean home.
Talk again to her: you voice your needs, concerns, etc., and then allow her to do the same. If they aren't jiving and NEVER will, then it would be time for you to move on. I am not sure if couples' therapy is an option for you or if you just want this done. You sound like you just want this DONE.
Sounds like she makes considerably less money and is a lousy housekeeper. Working long hours and coming home to a mess.....hmmm...I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. Nobody wants to play "maid service" after a long day at work. She is caring for your child though. How does she do in that sense?
I know how you feel about the house situation. My husband and I are "neat freaks" and can't function in clutter and chaos. We wouldn't be happy in a unorganized home. Plus, we both work and equally contribute financially to the household. We wouldn't have it any other way. Can't see how your house/home isn't being kept when she is caring for only one child.
I would have another conversation with her about all this. Tell her what you need, etc. I am not sure if you're at the "fed up" point where you just want out of the relationship with her and only take care of your child OR if you really care or love her and want to work this out.
You both will have to weight this out carefully because you have a child involved. If she increases her work in order to increase her paycheck and help out more financially, who will care for the child? If it will be a childcare facility that won't be cheap and will take away from her paycheck then you're back at "square one."
Is it possible for her to find a place of her own to rent and you all separate and see how that works? That would mean you take on 100% of the morgage though and you would be obligated to give her child support, however, you wouldn't be having her as a financial burden and you would have your organized clean home.
Talk again to her: you voice your needs, concerns, etc., and then allow her to do the same. If they aren't jiving and NEVER will, then it would be time for you to move on. I am not sure if couples' therapy is an option for you or if you just want this done. You sound like you just want this DONE.
She works 3 days a week and my daughter goes to school till noon. She does pay for the schooling and for cable that's it. I take most weekends off to be with my daughter because Saturday is one of her work days. I will clean the house and do laundry that day but Iam just moving and picking up her stuff. It's just starting to stress me out I never wanted a stay at home mom and expressed that to her. In my eyes it feels like she don't care if Iam happy or not.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, does she take care of your child? Just curious. I'm actually a stay at home mother and my husband pays 100 percent of all of our expenses. If she is working as well, is she using her money for other things like groceries, clothes, daycare, etc? When a couple combines a life together, it isn't always 50/50.
I do hear what you are saying that you feel that if she isn't contributing financially that she should do a better job around the house. But. . . I had a philosphy on this------ when my kids were toddlers I believed, "happy child, happy life" and my husband actually could care less if he came home to our home in a shambles if our kids had smiles on their faces and they'd had a fun day. Guess I was lucky. I don't like a sloppy, dirty house either. But some days, it just was low on the priority list with the caring of my kids. And it seemed like it would be messed up as soon as I cleaned it. And I was low on energy as little ones sure do exhaust you. I worked full time prior to my kids and in a pretty hefty career at that. But taking care of kids is a ton more tiring. I would allow my dear husband the privilage of caring for them for a whole day so he could see first hand how tiring it was then he'd have new appreciation of me. :>) My kids are now elementary age and the house is much more straighted up and orderly!
but I hear you. You are dissatisfied with how things are set up. Is she home full time with your child?
I do hear what you are saying that you feel that if she isn't contributing financially that she should do a better job around the house. But. . . I had a philosphy on this------ when my kids were toddlers I believed, "happy child, happy life" and my husband actually could care less if he came home to our home in a shambles if our kids had smiles on their faces and they'd had a fun day. Guess I was lucky. I don't like a sloppy, dirty house either. But some days, it just was low on the priority list with the caring of my kids. And it seemed like it would be messed up as soon as I cleaned it. And I was low on energy as little ones sure do exhaust you. I worked full time prior to my kids and in a pretty hefty career at that. But taking care of kids is a ton more tiring. I would allow my dear husband the privilage of caring for them for a whole day so he could see first hand how tiring it was then he'd have new appreciation of me. :>) My kids are now elementary age and the house is much more straighted up and orderly!
but I hear you. You are dissatisfied with how things are set up. Is she home full time with your child?
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