Should I be upset?

[K1990]

So I am just wondering if I am over reacting or what...  This weekend was my fiance's birthday and a few of this aunts were there and they took a "family" picture, yet asked me to take the picture.  I was never asked to get in the picture or anything, they all just acted like I'm not a part of the family or anything.  I am upset about this, should I be?

[mami1323]

I agree, a fiance should be considered family.  I was considered family with my fiance's family even before we were engaged.  They are a warm and open group.  I just think that you will always be excluded.  If they don't include you now, I don't think they ever will.  You need to think about your situation and if you know how they are you can't keep expecting much more from them that you are getting.  Yes I'd be upset but what can you really do.  If you want to be with him, you will just have to accept the situation as it is and just deal with it.  

[BearHitch]

Why are you even surprised by this happening?  You have posted several times on issues with his family and this is what you can expect to happen now and probably even after you are married... as it has been an ongoing issue.

On another note, I would include my children's fiances as well, but not just a girlfriend which I realize you are not.  Just my 2 cents.

[have 2 kids]

Agiesmom has given you some excellent advice.   You really should consider what she says.    

[jenstam]

When you are unhappy and isolated some day, we will try to help you. Maybe. You need to listen. You are very young and there are many red flags with your situation. You are tuning out and I do not advise that. Agiesmom has given you the best advice here. Listen. It is only for your benefit. You are setting yourself up for failure.

[Emz1]

hey,

I think you're totally right!! You are family...Or should i say you soon will be so they should start to treat you as part of their family....Some "families" in my opinion are very set in their ridiculous old fashioned ways...WE are in the 21st century for gods sake!

Talk to your Fiance and tell him how you feel because until you do he or anyone else will not be able to make you feel better about this. Tell him to maybe have a word? let them know you are serious and they need to accept that!!

Hope i helped?.....

good luck..... :)

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I wish you the best of luck.  I know I have given you advice on previous posts.  I am living this right now.

I know how it is to be young and not listen to others.  I have been there.  But I am telling you, this situation will probably only get worse.  I don't mean to be a damper.....I just know because I live it everyday.

Good luck.

[Agiesmom]

Sounds like you have it all figured out.  All the best to you.

[K1990]

I will not convert to Catholicism, ever and he knows and will never ask me to do so. I don't mind learning spanish and my fiance has been teaching me some.  My fiance and I will raise our children in whatever way WE wish not his parents and not mine either.  So either they will deal with everything or be pushed out of our lives and my fiance has almost dont that on his own without my infulence so I don't think it would be that upseting to him.  I want my kids to have both sets of grandparents but they will never tell me how to raise my children.

[Agiesmom]

Mrs. Ockert, my husband is from England, but there really are not cultural issues.  There is another woman who replied to a similar thread whose in-laws don't speak English around her--maybe you are thinking of her?

K1990, they aren't going to change as a result of you sulking and your boyfriend occasionally telling them to be nice to you.  Like I said, what you see now is a preview of life to come.  Wait until you have kids--they will want their grandchildren, their son's children, to practice their religion and be a part of their culture.  And don't be foolish enough to think that your boyfriend will be strong enough to walk away from them.  He will get pulled in more closely to them.  The importance of family intensifies when you have children--you'll be the odd man out or you will be in a game of tug-of-war with your in-laws, with their son as the rope.

He's not standing up to them very strongly because he won't be blatantly disrespectful to his parents.  Have you ever REALLY researched his culture?  I suggested in a previous post that you do that and you really should.  Things are supposed to be certain ways according to them and you just don't sound like you will ever fit in if you don't find out what it is that you need to do to fit in and truly try to do that.  And that may mean converting to Catholicism and learning Spanish.  Whether or not you make the effort to fit in depends on how easy you want your life to be and how much you love your boyfriend--you either conform and fit in with them, or you spend your life being angry over things they say and do with a man who is constantly in pain because he's always being torn between his wife and his parents.  If you want to have a happy life with him, you need to learn to fit in.  Waiting for them to finally love and accept you and waiting for your boyfriend to stand up to them and follow through (be decent to my wife or we are both out of your lives) is not only unreasonable, it's unfair to your boyfriend to expect that.

When you are young and in love, you really think that that is all that matters--your love and the two of you as a couple.  When I was much younger, my then-fiancé (not the man I eventually married, by the way) was not embraced by my family, but I didn't care--we were in love and happy and that's all that mattered.  As time when on and the conflicts between my family members and him intensified, I remember thinking, "If we lived alone on a deserted island, this would work out perfectly."  That's when I knew it wasn't going to work.  That crazy "all you need is love" feeling was fading and I was seeing my future more clearly.  I'm not saying it has to be that way for you, but it was for me because my fiancé was never going to do what he needed to do to fit into my family--to get them to embrace him.  So I ended it.

Just think long and hard about all the replies from all the different posters to all your different posts.  They are all pretty much telling you the same thing.

[jo929]

i do not want to hurt your feelings, but a fiance is not family unti the knot is tied  luck  jo

[katarina777]

Yes, you have a right to be upset. It was completely insensitive of them not to include you in any of the photos. It was your fiancé's job to include you and make them.

[MrsOckert]

Please accept my apologies.  There is another young girl on here and it was her that posted.  I got the two of you confused.  It happens when you get old.  :)

I imagine the best advice you'll get is from Agiesmom when she says this is a snapshot of the rest of your life.  She's living a bi-cultural familial situation and isn't easy for her.  It hasn't been easy for you either and as much as you love your fiance and he you ... it will be difficult for him to stand up to his mother on your behalf.

[K1990]

Mrsockert~ I have never posted anything on the bipolar forum, you might want to check again.

I have tried to be a part of this family, I asked his mom if she would teach me how to make a dessert I liked and she helped me and everything but after that it was like it didn't happen and she went to not caring again.  It is hard to share stories and laugh with his parents because at home they mainly speak spanish and although I understand a lot, it is hard for me to speak it.  I can talk to them in English and once my story is over they are back to Spanish... My fiance has said something once and they never did a thing to change.  I've asked him to say something again but he always says he will but doesnt...

[MrsOckert]

You ended your questions I am upset about this, should I be?  Several answers said you shouldn't, several said you should.

You aren't going to follow our advice.  You are going to choose how you feel and react to these situations.

You posted a question on the bipolar forum about being needy and driving your boyfriend away.  Could it be his family recognizes this in you and has valid reasons for not wanting to encourage the relationship between the two of you?  It may have nothing at all to do with your not going to church or being of his race.

Maybe they just don't think you two are well suited for one another for life.

[jenstam]

Yes, Agiesmom is right. This is how it will be, unless you can ask your fiance' to step in and speak for you. I don't think it would be wise to do it yourself, it might push them away further. If their son loves you, that is what should matter. That is family-to accept and love the ones who are chosen to be a part of the family also. It must be hurtful to not be recognized. You can't make them do that, but it would be nice if they did. Maybe you could do it to them, recognize their birthday, get in there and help with meals that are being prepared, etc, etc...just join in and be a part of the family. Maybe they will see your effort and willingness to belong. That's what I do (: Making family meals, including set up and clean up, getting to know nieces and nephews, sharing stories and laughter with the family. It goes both ways, but sometimes you have to put your foot forward. Let it be known that you wish to be a part of the family.

Good luck (:

[Agiesmom]

This is a snapshot into the rest of your life if you marry your fiance.

[K1990]

And I agree that if you are engaged you ARE family.  They don't ever include me in anything so I guess I'm not surprised but the last time this happened I told my fiance I was upset and he said he was sorry and that it was his fault he should have just grabbed me to be in it.  His family makes it very hard to like them, his aunts are nicer to me than his own parents.  

Jenshim~ His dad is a decon and I think that is the reason they shut me out because I dont go to church and I'm not of their race.  I don't even think his parents know when my birthday is.  My parents welcome my fiance with open arms and love him and always gives me a card and present on his birthday and he gets things at Christmas but him parents don't even say happy birthday or merry chirstmas to me on those days.  It makes it really hard.

[jenstam]

Did you mention this to your fiance? What is his take on it? I am engaged. My fiance has a large family. We have a son together and I have four daughters from my previous marriage. WE are family. All of us. In family pictures, we are included. They have a picture of all of us up on the mantle with the rest of the family. His Dad is a pastor, their family is very religious, yet they have never made me feel out of place or not a part of their family. I guess it just depends on the family. I got a card from my fiance's mother last year on my birthday. It said "Thank you for loving our Ben." They recognize that I truly, deeply love their son and that he is happy. That is family.

[treazzure007]

okay.  but could they have just been caught up in the festivities and excitement?  i still don't think you should worry about it at all.  next time, just tell them you're getting in the second one.  that way, even if they weren't planning on taking a second pic, they will b/c you introduced the thought

[K1990]

If my children were engaged, I sure as heck would want their fiance in the picture because to me that is family.  And even if they didn't want me in one picture they could have taken another one with me in it.  Whenever there is a girlfriend of someone elses and they take pictures they always take two, but since I was the only one there they just didn't bother I guess.  

[treazzure007]

understood about how you feel.  however, fiance' is still not a relative.  you and your fiance' are not family.  you are not of kin.  fiance' is a chosen mate for the intention of marriage.  i don't think you should be upset.  think about it, i doubt you'll be putting all of your children's lovers in your family pics one day

[K1990]

I am not his girlfriend, I am his fiance and I AM a part of the family, even if they dont like it.  It was a picture of his cousins and uncles with their wifes and his brothers and if they wanted me in the picture it would have been very possible.  The difference between girlfriend and fiance is huge and I should and expect to be treated like family.

[treazzure007]

i agree that you're technically not family yet.  a 'family picture' would not include friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc...  

[Agiesmom]

RR brought up a good point--also, could the aunts be upset that the two of you are living together and not married?  If they are religious and older, that could be a huge issue for them, too.