Should I remain friends or move on?

[jjtorre2]

Recently, my girlfriend and I ended our 7 month long-distance relationship, stating that she felt no connection with me, wasn't happy with me, and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She also mentioned how she wanted to remain friends and that she still really cared about me. The situation isn't so clear-cut though. First, a little background:

My ex comes from a traditional Chinese family, and her parents had pressured her to date someone else other than me-- they felt she could do better. I'm Mexican, btw. On top of that.. she has very low self-esteem (ex. would make remarks about her body, she felt she was boring, didn't see what her purpose was in life, etc.), and I suspect she suffers from depression (cries randomly for no real reason, always feels lonely, has difficulty remembering or making decisions, irregular appetite, always restless, feels worthless, etc.) .

During our relationship, she would constantly mention how she had no real friends, couldn't connect with her family or talk openly with them, felt like she couldn't talk with me (or with anyone for that matter) and didn't know what she wanted for the future. She also mentioned how she didn't like being around people for long periods of time and didn't like crowds of people. One way she does this is by alienating herself and pushing away anyone she loves or cares about.

I had been friends with this woman for four years (met in college) and dated her for 7 months afterward-- so I knew her for quite some time. But I guess the pressure of being in a long distance relationship (California vs. Texas), family issues, lack of job prospects, uncertainty with her future, and general unhappiness with life was too much to handle, so she ended our relationship.

And I'll admit... I wasn't the greatest of boyfriends because I couldn't give her the full attention she needed (due to the long distance)... but I loved her and sacrificed a lot for her. And I know she loved me too because she would tell and show me-- we even spoke about having a future together and getting married one day.

My question then is this... should I stay in her life and remain a friend.. or move on? She had already asked me 4 days ago to go back to being friends with her, and I simply said, "No."

For me, it would be too hard and painful to look at her and just go back to being friends. I did everything I could to try to encourage and support her during our relationship, but nothing I did seemed to be enough for her-- and I know that won't change as friends. In a way, I was being sucked into her wallowing self-pity, and I felt like I was being forced by her to be in a similar state.

But I know she suffers from a lot issues and pressures... and I don't know if completely shutting myself out of her life will help anything. At the same time, I don't want to keep going through this roller-coaster of emotions. Any advice?

[specialmom]

That is a tricky question.  You've just recently broken up and it is sometimes hard to slip back to friends so quickly.  Maybe give it some more time.  Being friends just because someone needs you is probably not enough reason.  But because you too miss the friendship (not the romantic side of it), eventually you may be friends again.  I will say from experience that it is hard to go back to exactly how it was  But good luck

[sammy73]

Would YOU get anything out of being her friend?  Do you think a time will come when you will enjoy just spending time with her but not being anything more?  I don't think it'll work with you being her friend if it's only because you want to help her with her depression and self-esteem issues, you need to get something out of it too.

With you living a long way apart, you could agree to be her friend, but in practice you won't actually be able to see her or spend time with her very often.  By the time you do next actually see each other, your emotional feelings for her may have died down, making it easier to be around her - particularly if you leave it quite a while (several months), just with the odd e-mail or 'phone call in the mean time.

[iam1butterfly]

If you can accept friendship without expecting anything more from the relationship;
then, go for it. But, if you have feelings for her, and she feels "no connection" with you; then, staying in her life is only setting yourself up for more disappointment. Personally,
I would advise against the emotional "roller-coaster" ride.