Aa
Should i break up or continue
Greetings everyone. I just joined this forum today and infact this is my first letter to any site in Internet on my personal life.
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Now that i feel driven right up to the wall on this and cannot decide what to do, so my story goes like this....
I'm in the defence forces and lead a high risk life as im deployed in highly active operational area. I married my wife 13 years back and recently adopted a girl child who is now 2 yrs 7 months old. Though i lead a very active life and am very adventurous in nature but my wife just the opposite.
I lost my father when I was 9 yrs old and my mother struggled a lot to bring me and my sister up.
I married my wife after a two year relationship. Right from the begining of our marriage, my wife and my mother never got along well. My wife hardly speaks to my mother and and mostly tells me insulting things about my mother and sister. I protested a number of times but to no avail. My relationship with my wife also suffered a lot but i mostly remain quiet and have been living with my wife and also doing my duty to my mother and supporting her financially.
After 10 yrs of marriage, while on a foreign assignment in South Africa, my wife concieved twins by IVF but suffered miscarriage after 6 months. We both suffered heavily but it further strained realtionship in the family. Meanwhile we adopted our daughter but i was way too depressed because of withstanding constant berrating about my mother and my sister. We stopped any sexual relationship with her as i never could feel aroused by her, she is obese and physically not atractive at all, but she likes sex and i always used to help her achieve orgasm by other means. I used to give excuse of my back problem. (I was operated for lumber laminectomy).
During this time, i received a call from a lady and after few months we developed a relationship. We both had similar background and interest and shared common grief. But soon i realised the mistake i was doing but was already stuck and the other lady started kind off blackmailing me. She took money from me on the pretext of paying back some personal loan and promised to return that back. I beleived her as she was working in bank at a senior post, but then refused to return the same. She then started putting pressure on me to tell my wife about our relationship to which i initially refused, but later i started buying time to keep her calm. She then started making anonymous calls to my wife and telling her that her husband (me) is having an affair. She forced me to introduce her to my sister and later to my mother whom i thought would be able to calm her down as she also started threatning with suicide. I tried contacting her family members but later relised that she had lied about her family. She is also married with two sons but separated from her husband. She now started demanding a status for herself in my life and to ask my wife to leave. This then i refused and she started threatening me that she will tell my wife and also my seniors in my service. Last year December i finally lost my cool on my girlfriend and told her to do whatever she wants....she called up my wife and revealed her name and asked my wife to ask me about her and whats my relationship with her. I was so fed up with this life by then that I owned up the whole thing and told my wife about my affair and that am very sorry for whatever i have done...and that i will do whatever it takes to win her back. The obvious followed....even my superiors came to know but after listening to my story advised us to sort it amongst ourself.
Its been 5 months now since the whole thing erupted and almost every single day i get hammered by my wife for my infidility. We went for counselling a met marriage counsellor also but whatever his advise were to forget the past and move on is just not happening. I live a life of total compromise with uttereing sorry for everything. She says i do not have the right to argue anything with her on any issues and now threatens with divorse everyday.
My problem is I love my daughter very much and cannot face loosing her. It was for her that i thought that can take anything and everything but now my patience level is dwindling. My mental stability is almost gone and it drives me crazy. My wife picks up fights for everything and i cannot do anything. She suspects me all the time and the result is i have now lost all freedom. My cell phone, my laptop my email account, my bank accounts everything is under her scrutiny now.
I know i have wronged her and am willing to pay for it. But how long i can sustainn this i dont know. I thought i can love my wife again and start a new chapter in our life but it doesn't seem to happen. My wife says i cannot be forgiven so easily. I'm at my wits end with no road ahead...
What do i do......
Best Answer
she is nuts...get out while you can!!!
Nothing will ever be enough for her, it wasn't before the cheating, and will never be now...
the child care /share can be worked out by lawyers.
sorry to soiund cold, but this could go on like this forever.
I would move on!
Nothing will ever be enough for her, it wasn't before the cheating, and will never be now...
the child care /share can be worked out by lawyers.
sorry to soiund cold, but this could go on like this forever.
I would move on!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with Teko. This is a lot more than anger over infidelity. I think that your wife has some mental health issues and is not addressing them. That happens at times as some people will not admit that they have an issue and cause such pain and misery in their partner. Your home sounds full of pain. This is not healthy for anyone. When you say you created it, well--------- that is wrong. You contributed to it and your wife did as well equally. Flat out, she is half to blame. At some point it is okay to say I did everyhing I could and this isn't working out. I wish you the best.
Maybe its time to move on. Sometimes it is the only thing we can do, for the happiness of all involved.
Nothing was right, nothing seems will get right...ever.
I have created this hell...i guess i will have to live it till the end...
Forgiveness can only be begged.....but it should not be taken as ones weakness...
I do not know how long i can hold on to my sanity....
I have created this hell...i guess i will have to live it till the end...
Forgiveness can only be begged.....but it should not be taken as ones weakness...
I do not know how long i can hold on to my sanity....
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
With regards to the mother issue. Hopefully you will never have to choose . . . but if you do, choose your wife because your mother will then bend. Mother's tend to bend more if they think they have to. But the best thing is to keep the peace and tell them both that you expect this. You should be able to love both women and I'm sure it is much more complex than what we will understand here.
For building romance, are you still apart with your station? I'd write her lovely letters and try to stay as connected as possible. When you are together, spend time together without your daughter as often as possible. Remember when you were dating, think in terms of that. That romancing her needs to start all over again. Romance does not always mean sex . . . some women love good conversation, doing something they love to do with their mate, getting a neck rub. Start doing those things as if you are just now getting together. Start greeting her every time she or you walk in the door and say good bye with a hug and kiss every time she or you walk out of the door. Bring her flowers. All that stuff. But most of all, start doing things together that you both enjoy and try to reconnect.
Good luck