Aa
Still a virgin, deeply depressed.
Just recently I had to go through a security clearance screening thing where I had to answer the most horrible questions about my personal life. Amongst many things, they asked me about my sexual experiences and, to my great embarrassment, at age 33. I haven
Can America really ask you something like that? Isn't that beyond personal to be asking someone? aw! But seriously there is nothing to feel sad about it is none of their business!! As for escorts? shilvers* don't don't * . . .You sooo don't need a bonus ( std, hiv ) 20 mintues of la la land is soooooooooo not worth having STD / HIV
Thank you for the kind post. In fact thanks to all the supportive posts. It has made me feel much better. I generally feel much better now. The depression has passed. It was brief, but painful. It's hard to describe, but I felt really black, mixed with a kind of panic - a "you're never going to meet anyone or experience love" kind of panic.
The damn interview definitely triggered it, which is so ironic, because depression is a concern for them. Like they think depressed people will give away secrets, or something ... I can almost understand that, because depressed people can do things out of character.
I have a few passions. Athletics and guitars. I'm in an athletics club, and compete, but there are very few unattached women there. Actually, I'm so into these pursuits that I think I use them as an emotional crux, rather than as a vehicle to meet someone.
Anyway, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take action to try and change my situation.
Thanks all, this thread has been very helpful.
The damn interview definitely triggered it, which is so ironic, because depression is a concern for them. Like they think depressed people will give away secrets, or something ... I can almost understand that, because depressed people can do things out of character.
I have a few passions. Athletics and guitars. I'm in an athletics club, and compete, but there are very few unattached women there. Actually, I'm so into these pursuits that I think I use them as an emotional crux, rather than as a vehicle to meet someone.
Anyway, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take action to try and change my situation.
Thanks all, this thread has been very helpful.
There is nothing wrong with not having sex. In fact if the girl you meet is also a virgin, it would be wonderful for both of you to learn together.
If you are uncomfortable with the opposite sex, the suggestions people have are good. Go to events where you share similar interests or to a place of worship where you should have a non threatening crowd. Forget the bars and loud dance halls.
If you are near western New York, LilyDale is a great place. It is the world's largest spiritualist camp with far more women than men. The place is very laid back and do not in any way try to convert you to their beliefs. Their summer season consists of clairvoyancy, spiritual healing, meditation, and workshops.
It is so easy to talk to women there. You can say things like What medium (psychic) did you like or Who gave you a reading? If you really want to be funny you can say Don't I know you from a past life. At the least you can probably get a woman to join you for a meal.
Anyway to improve your social skills will help.
Good luck.
If you are uncomfortable with the opposite sex, the suggestions people have are good. Go to events where you share similar interests or to a place of worship where you should have a non threatening crowd. Forget the bars and loud dance halls.
If you are near western New York, LilyDale is a great place. It is the world's largest spiritualist camp with far more women than men. The place is very laid back and do not in any way try to convert you to their beliefs. Their summer season consists of clairvoyancy, spiritual healing, meditation, and workshops.
It is so easy to talk to women there. You can say things like What medium (psychic) did you like or Who gave you a reading? If you really want to be funny you can say Don't I know you from a past life. At the least you can probably get a woman to join you for a meal.
Anyway to improve your social skills will help.
Good luck.
My husband was a virgin when we got married. He was 33. He was a quiet man, well liked socially, but due to religious beliefs had not had sex. I personally was touched that he had waited for me. He is a wonderful husband in every way. He is much more outgoing now, has a great job with the feds (in Canada, and he also has high security clearance but was not asked any of those questions), he serves on charity boards and has found his voice in a BIG way. I like to think that our marriage helped him bloom, but maybe it was age and maturity.
Anyhow, I don't think being a virgin is anything to be embarrassed about. I am more concerned that you seem to lack self esteem, you should take pride in your achievments and look forward to a bright future.
As for looks, a pretty package may catch a girl's eye, but I will take character and personality over looks anyday.
You need to get out there and start meeting people. Pursue your hobbies, find things you are passionate about, live a full life and someone will come along.
Anyhow, I don't think being a virgin is anything to be embarrassed about. I am more concerned that you seem to lack self esteem, you should take pride in your achievments and look forward to a bright future.
As for looks, a pretty package may catch a girl's eye, but I will take character and personality over looks anyday.
You need to get out there and start meeting people. Pursue your hobbies, find things you are passionate about, live a full life and someone will come along.
Have you ever thought about asking a friend or your brother for their opinion or help on how to improve your appearance? I knew a man once, who must have been in his 30's, never had a date, also a musician, and his sister-in-law decided to do a make over on him (of course, he wanted it as well). Well, she took him clothes shopping, got his hair styled, and maybe she talked to him about what to do on a date or maybe he got therapy I don't know that part. He eventually found someone, a singer who auditioned for his band (and got the job) and they are now married.
I have used the internet for dating and I will say it's a good way to get used to talking the opposite sex. I met a few nice people too. It's good to start with something simple like coffee so that if you don't like the person, you don't have to spend a lot of time with them. And if you do like them, you can plan another date. Like Bearhitch said, all it takes is meeting the right person for YOU. To do that, you have to get yourself out there.
I don't know what your skin looks like, but if you have skin trouble, there's lots of products on the market that can help you get clearer skin. If it's your physique, you can always join a gym or get a personal trainer to build up or slim down your body. Plus there is a positive effect to shaping up - you stimulate the feel good hormones and when you feel good about yourself, you will not only be happier but you will attract more women. People want to be around people who are "happy".
Another thing to remember is that most people are just average or below average looking and most people can find someone if they want someone. Naturally beautiful people are a rare which is why we always make a big deal about if someone is really handsome.
And as for meeting someone and 'banging" them, mosey on over to the STD forum - that should be enough to scare you of that idea! Meeting someone and developing a relationship first before going to bed with them, is the healthiest way to go!
I have used the internet for dating and I will say it's a good way to get used to talking the opposite sex. I met a few nice people too. It's good to start with something simple like coffee so that if you don't like the person, you don't have to spend a lot of time with them. And if you do like them, you can plan another date. Like Bearhitch said, all it takes is meeting the right person for YOU. To do that, you have to get yourself out there.
I don't know what your skin looks like, but if you have skin trouble, there's lots of products on the market that can help you get clearer skin. If it's your physique, you can always join a gym or get a personal trainer to build up or slim down your body. Plus there is a positive effect to shaping up - you stimulate the feel good hormones and when you feel good about yourself, you will not only be happier but you will attract more women. People want to be around people who are "happy".
Another thing to remember is that most people are just average or below average looking and most people can find someone if they want someone. Naturally beautiful people are a rare which is why we always make a big deal about if someone is really handsome.
And as for meeting someone and 'banging" them, mosey on over to the STD forum - that should be enough to scare you of that idea! Meeting someone and developing a relationship first before going to bed with them, is the healthiest way to go!
Two quick things... first of all, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I realize people may disagree with that, but why it gets such a bad rap is beyond me. I didn't require people I dated to be stellar or experienced in bed, and I don't understand why others do. But from my point of view, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin.
I understand that you have trouble communicating with the opposite sex, and maybe barn babe is right that trying an internet route would be a good start for you. You could get comfortable with someone and hopefully then be more at ease when you do meet. I met my husband on the internet. Like you, he did not have any sexual experience and since he was in college, just kept his nose in his books and drank a lot. Didn't really hang out or have any female friends. He's a much different person now- sometimes it just takes meeting the right girl.
I would not recommend jumping into bed with someone else just to see if you can do it. Its like mayflower said, that would be your first experience, and you may regret that if you meet someone truly great that you wish you would've waited for. There is a chance of STDs whether you sleep with an escort or anyone else.
I understand that you have trouble communicating with the opposite sex, and maybe barn babe is right that trying an internet route would be a good start for you. You could get comfortable with someone and hopefully then be more at ease when you do meet. I met my husband on the internet. Like you, he did not have any sexual experience and since he was in college, just kept his nose in his books and drank a lot. Didn't really hang out or have any female friends. He's a much different person now- sometimes it just takes meeting the right girl.
I would not recommend jumping into bed with someone else just to see if you can do it. Its like mayflower said, that would be your first experience, and you may regret that if you meet someone truly great that you wish you would've waited for. There is a chance of STDs whether you sleep with an escort or anyone else.
Thank you for that attack, it was quite wounding. I was trying to pay you a compliment for your more supportive prior post. May I respond to some of your points?
I have NO bias towards people with depression, whatsoever. I did not mean to imply it. I have never really suffered it before and so don't know how to assess my current state. Everything is relative. To say that I am clinically depressed my be an insult to people who really are. Only a professional could assess that, I guess.
I said that I cannot be labelled with 'clinical depression' because I would lose my job, that is all. I put the term in quotes, as it is an official medical condition here in the UK and would go on my medical records. I cannot see a GP about this, because a record WILL be made, and the security people have access to my records (oh yes, you have to give your permission). If I lost my livelihood that will not help.
I can still function, and am not self harming etc., and so I was making a self assessment of 'mild depression'.
I am not homophobic in the slightest. I had a gay friend a while ago, and went to a couple of ‘gay pubs’ with him. Would a homophobe do that? Freddie Mercury is my hero! I was simply trying to say that it hurt when people misinterpreted my lack of a girlfriend.
You said, “What else? Well, let's see. How about these? Your approach? Your body language? Do you make eye contact? Do you have B.O. or less-than-adequate hygiene? Your general or overall disinterest in others? Your depression manifested by the look on your face, perhaps you look depressed, sound depressed, give off a vibe of being in general somebody who isn't attuned to the needs of others or doesn't give a rat's a** about others? “
I have good personal hygiene. I wasn’t depressed until I suffered the interview. I care about others. I think it is my shyness, mainly.
You said “you don't want to do the dirty work of examining how everything about you adds up - your personality, your behavior, your attitudes, your intelligence, your empathy level and ability to laugh and enjoy life - all of it adds up to who you are and why you ended up in this situation. Your looks are the least of it. “
I started out in my first post by saying that I have been analysing myself over and over. It is difficult to impartially judge yourself. I will be seeing some private counsellors.
It is funny, but I know people who behave terribly (to others and their girlfriends/wives), have bad attitudes to everything, apparently zero empathy levels and don’t really seem to enjoy life – yet still have partners. I know a few people who I guess have been single all their lives, much older than myself, and have great personalities and are really nice people.
I’m not ageist, christ! I was simply saying that I have no problem talking to women when I have no fear that my interest is misinterpreted as a sexual advance. To make a sexual advance as a male risks rejection. I think this is what I fear. I don’t see women as a ‘sexual threat’, but women do not like unwanted sexual advances.
I don’t want to be a superstud, but I would like to be less ugly. The nose job might help me feel less self conscious.
If I had a girlfriend, I would ‘bang her’, as you put it.
I have NO bias towards people with depression, whatsoever. I did not mean to imply it. I have never really suffered it before and so don't know how to assess my current state. Everything is relative. To say that I am clinically depressed my be an insult to people who really are. Only a professional could assess that, I guess.
I said that I cannot be labelled with 'clinical depression' because I would lose my job, that is all. I put the term in quotes, as it is an official medical condition here in the UK and would go on my medical records. I cannot see a GP about this, because a record WILL be made, and the security people have access to my records (oh yes, you have to give your permission). If I lost my livelihood that will not help.
I can still function, and am not self harming etc., and so I was making a self assessment of 'mild depression'.
I am not homophobic in the slightest. I had a gay friend a while ago, and went to a couple of ‘gay pubs’ with him. Would a homophobe do that? Freddie Mercury is my hero! I was simply trying to say that it hurt when people misinterpreted my lack of a girlfriend.
You said, “What else? Well, let's see. How about these? Your approach? Your body language? Do you make eye contact? Do you have B.O. or less-than-adequate hygiene? Your general or overall disinterest in others? Your depression manifested by the look on your face, perhaps you look depressed, sound depressed, give off a vibe of being in general somebody who isn't attuned to the needs of others or doesn't give a rat's a** about others? “
I have good personal hygiene. I wasn’t depressed until I suffered the interview. I care about others. I think it is my shyness, mainly.
You said “you don't want to do the dirty work of examining how everything about you adds up - your personality, your behavior, your attitudes, your intelligence, your empathy level and ability to laugh and enjoy life - all of it adds up to who you are and why you ended up in this situation. Your looks are the least of it. “
I started out in my first post by saying that I have been analysing myself over and over. It is difficult to impartially judge yourself. I will be seeing some private counsellors.
It is funny, but I know people who behave terribly (to others and their girlfriends/wives), have bad attitudes to everything, apparently zero empathy levels and don’t really seem to enjoy life – yet still have partners. I know a few people who I guess have been single all their lives, much older than myself, and have great personalities and are really nice people.
I’m not ageist, christ! I was simply saying that I have no problem talking to women when I have no fear that my interest is misinterpreted as a sexual advance. To make a sexual advance as a male risks rejection. I think this is what I fear. I don’t see women as a ‘sexual threat’, but women do not like unwanted sexual advances.
I don’t want to be a superstud, but I would like to be less ugly. The nose job might help me feel less self conscious.
If I had a girlfriend, I would ‘bang her’, as you put it.
"I have to disagree about the drugs. I am loath to take drugs for anything, unless they are really necessary."
I also don't use drugs unless "they are really necessary." In your case, it sounds like they might be, but only a psychiatrist or internist can really make that determination. A therapist could also suggest it.
"I don't think I need them, but a doctor could advise."
Yeah, join the club. Diabetics say they don't need their insulin, hypertensives say they don't need their blood pressure medication, and heart patients say they don't need their beta blockers. Whatever. Clinical depression is a chronic condition. It's recalcitrant to treatment with talk therapy. St. John's wort, the only "over-the-counter" "herbal" remedy for it, is shown to be somewhat effective in cases of MILD depression. What's left? Oh, yeah, "self-therapy." Where you actually get off your a** and try and take action to deal with the issue that is making you depressed.
"Unfortunately, I can not allow myself to be 'clinically depressed'."
You don't have much choice in the matter. Clinical depression has origins in the brain, with neurotransmitter misfirings and chemical imbalances. Throw in the environmental factors, like relationship stress, job stress, internal personality conflicts, what have you, and it's a recipe for an emotional tailspin. Your quotation marks around the words "clinically depressed" also indicate your apparent bias about such a condition. I guess it's one thing to come on a medical forum and say you are depressed beyond belief, but when push comes to shove, playing the resistance card perhaps make you believe you can save face or somehow not appear "crazy."
"Actually, some former colleagues and acquaintances had me down as gay, which really hurt (nothing against gay people!!!)"
No, of course nothing against gay people. People couch their homophobia in all kinds of ways. Sure thing. We understand. Yep.
"I have reached a state where I don't know how to set up 'dates'. Many women seem to give negative signals towards me, even before I open my mouth. I always put this down to my looks... What else?"
This comment indicates you apparently have no tools at your disposal to do the work necessary to "climb out of your moderate depression" on your own. Folks up thread gave you plenty of suggestions for how to deal with this. I would go back and re-read those.
What else? Well, let's see. How about these? Your approach? Your body language? Do you make eye contact? Do you have B.O. or less-than-adequate hygiene? Your general or overall disinterest in others? Your depression manifested by the look on your face, perhaps you look depressed, sound depressed, give off a vibe of being in general somebody who isn't attuned to the needs of others or doesn't give a rat's a** about others?
" Hence fixing my nose - which I broke when I was a kid - it's a nose a boxer would be proud of!"
It's not about your nose. But it's your money.
"What else can I conclude, but that my looks repel?"
You are obsessed with the looks thing. Maybe it's easier for you to chalk up all of your relationship problems and your being a virgin in your 30s (!) to your looks. I don't think so. You can use it for cover, but it's starting to come across as simply a lame excuse for why you don't want to do the dirty work of examining how everything about you adds up - your personality, your behavior, your attitudes, your intelligence, your empathy level and ability to laugh and enjoy life - all of it adds up to who you are and why you ended up in this situation. Your looks are the least of it.
" The message is so basic how can anyone assess my personality??"
That's your interpretation of the situation. Who the f*ck knows why people don't answer personal ads? Maybe they are overwhelmed with responses. Maybe you were too boring. Maybe you didn't ask about them. Maybe they lost your email. Maybe they got tired of it and never responded to anybody. Maybe maybe maybe. Who knows why?
"I am hoping the nose correction will give me that extra spark of inner confidence"
Yeah, good luck with that. I'd be interested in finding out if in fact it changes you into some kind of super-stud with chicks coming out your ears, but I have my doubts.
"then I can get a hair transplant .. (joke! I'm going bald to boot!)"
Baldness is from the mother's side of the family. Not much you can do about it. Bulletin: Bald men get laid. Nothing new here.
"I enjoy the company of older women, as they probably don't see me as a 'sexual threat', as I don't them."
Everybody has preferences, but what the hell does this mean? Not a sexual threat? WTF?? You'll have to define this for us.
Mature and emotionally stable men do not view women as "sexual threats." You clearly have problems going deeper than your broken nose. If this is the way you perceive women, it's no wonder you don't have a girlfriend and don't date. I don't know what you are implying by this comment being aimed at "older women," but it sounds like a backhanded way of showing us your ageism. That's rather unbecoming, to say the least.
Sounds like you have underlying fears of women. Jesus, wasn't there another virgin on this forum recently who wouldn't even bang his girlfriend? There are more of these guys around than I thought. Bad news.
I also don't use drugs unless "they are really necessary." In your case, it sounds like they might be, but only a psychiatrist or internist can really make that determination. A therapist could also suggest it.
"I don't think I need them, but a doctor could advise."
Yeah, join the club. Diabetics say they don't need their insulin, hypertensives say they don't need their blood pressure medication, and heart patients say they don't need their beta blockers. Whatever. Clinical depression is a chronic condition. It's recalcitrant to treatment with talk therapy. St. John's wort, the only "over-the-counter" "herbal" remedy for it, is shown to be somewhat effective in cases of MILD depression. What's left? Oh, yeah, "self-therapy." Where you actually get off your a** and try and take action to deal with the issue that is making you depressed.
"Unfortunately, I can not allow myself to be 'clinically depressed'."
You don't have much choice in the matter. Clinical depression has origins in the brain, with neurotransmitter misfirings and chemical imbalances. Throw in the environmental factors, like relationship stress, job stress, internal personality conflicts, what have you, and it's a recipe for an emotional tailspin. Your quotation marks around the words "clinically depressed" also indicate your apparent bias about such a condition. I guess it's one thing to come on a medical forum and say you are depressed beyond belief, but when push comes to shove, playing the resistance card perhaps make you believe you can save face or somehow not appear "crazy."
"Actually, some former colleagues and acquaintances had me down as gay, which really hurt (nothing against gay people!!!)"
No, of course nothing against gay people. People couch their homophobia in all kinds of ways. Sure thing. We understand. Yep.
"I have reached a state where I don't know how to set up 'dates'. Many women seem to give negative signals towards me, even before I open my mouth. I always put this down to my looks... What else?"
This comment indicates you apparently have no tools at your disposal to do the work necessary to "climb out of your moderate depression" on your own. Folks up thread gave you plenty of suggestions for how to deal with this. I would go back and re-read those.
What else? Well, let's see. How about these? Your approach? Your body language? Do you make eye contact? Do you have B.O. or less-than-adequate hygiene? Your general or overall disinterest in others? Your depression manifested by the look on your face, perhaps you look depressed, sound depressed, give off a vibe of being in general somebody who isn't attuned to the needs of others or doesn't give a rat's a** about others?
" Hence fixing my nose - which I broke when I was a kid - it's a nose a boxer would be proud of!"
It's not about your nose. But it's your money.
"What else can I conclude, but that my looks repel?"
You are obsessed with the looks thing. Maybe it's easier for you to chalk up all of your relationship problems and your being a virgin in your 30s (!) to your looks. I don't think so. You can use it for cover, but it's starting to come across as simply a lame excuse for why you don't want to do the dirty work of examining how everything about you adds up - your personality, your behavior, your attitudes, your intelligence, your empathy level and ability to laugh and enjoy life - all of it adds up to who you are and why you ended up in this situation. Your looks are the least of it.
" The message is so basic how can anyone assess my personality??"
That's your interpretation of the situation. Who the f*ck knows why people don't answer personal ads? Maybe they are overwhelmed with responses. Maybe you were too boring. Maybe you didn't ask about them. Maybe they lost your email. Maybe they got tired of it and never responded to anybody. Maybe maybe maybe. Who knows why?
"I am hoping the nose correction will give me that extra spark of inner confidence"
Yeah, good luck with that. I'd be interested in finding out if in fact it changes you into some kind of super-stud with chicks coming out your ears, but I have my doubts.
"then I can get a hair transplant .. (joke! I'm going bald to boot!)"
Baldness is from the mother's side of the family. Not much you can do about it. Bulletin: Bald men get laid. Nothing new here.
"I enjoy the company of older women, as they probably don't see me as a 'sexual threat', as I don't them."
Everybody has preferences, but what the hell does this mean? Not a sexual threat? WTF?? You'll have to define this for us.
Mature and emotionally stable men do not view women as "sexual threats." You clearly have problems going deeper than your broken nose. If this is the way you perceive women, it's no wonder you don't have a girlfriend and don't date. I don't know what you are implying by this comment being aimed at "older women," but it sounds like a backhanded way of showing us your ageism. That's rather unbecoming, to say the least.
Sounds like you have underlying fears of women. Jesus, wasn't there another virgin on this forum recently who wouldn't even bang his girlfriend? There are more of these guys around than I thought. Bad news.
barn babe. I am very impressed by your post. You are very astute in your analysis. Still, I have to disagree about the drugs. I am loath to take drugs for anything, unless they are really necessary. I don't think I need them, but a doctor could advise. Unfortunately, I can not allow myself to be 'clinically depressed'. My clearance could be revoked, and I'd lose my job and everything, which wouldn't really help!
Also, in a way, my 'moderately' depressed state is enough to spur me into action.
I don't believe I am socially inept - around men. I crack jokes, have laughs and enjoy conversation. But around women, I guess I'm very poor. I guess it stems from shyness. Actually, some former colleagues and acquaintances had me down as gay, which really hurt (nothing against gay people!!!)
I am too serious a lot of the time, maybe too 'intense'. I need to lighten up.
I have reached a state where I don't know how to set up 'dates'. Many women seem to give negative signals towards me, even before I open my mouth. I always put this down to my looks... What else? Hence fixing my nose - which I broke when I was a kid - it's a nose a boxer would be proud of!
I went to an all boys school, which hasn't helped. At uni I was so self concious about my face, that I dare not approach women. I've tried on line dating things, but never get any responses. I post a simple message, like "Hi my name's 'x', I'm 33, I do this, a bit of that, I like this and that" and a photo - and get no responses to my messages. What else can I conclude, but that my looks repel? The message is so basic how can anyone assess my personality??
I am hoping the nose correction will give me that extra spark of inner confidence .. then I can get a hair transplant .. (joke! I'm going bald to boot!)
I enjoy the company of older women, as they probably don't see me as a 'sexual threat', as I don't them. They say nice things, "like you should get a nice girl" or act surprised when I tell them I'm single. But younger women seem to steer clear!
Also, in a way, my 'moderately' depressed state is enough to spur me into action.
I don't believe I am socially inept - around men. I crack jokes, have laughs and enjoy conversation. But around women, I guess I'm very poor. I guess it stems from shyness. Actually, some former colleagues and acquaintances had me down as gay, which really hurt (nothing against gay people!!!)
I am too serious a lot of the time, maybe too 'intense'. I need to lighten up.
I have reached a state where I don't know how to set up 'dates'. Many women seem to give negative signals towards me, even before I open my mouth. I always put this down to my looks... What else? Hence fixing my nose - which I broke when I was a kid - it's a nose a boxer would be proud of!
I went to an all boys school, which hasn't helped. At uni I was so self concious about my face, that I dare not approach women. I've tried on line dating things, but never get any responses. I post a simple message, like "Hi my name's 'x', I'm 33, I do this, a bit of that, I like this and that" and a photo - and get no responses to my messages. What else can I conclude, but that my looks repel? The message is so basic how can anyone assess my personality??
I am hoping the nose correction will give me that extra spark of inner confidence .. then I can get a hair transplant .. (joke! I'm going bald to boot!)
I enjoy the company of older women, as they probably don't see me as a 'sexual threat', as I don't them. They say nice things, "like you should get a nice girl" or act surprised when I tell them I'm single. But younger women seem to steer clear!
Sounds like you might be ready for medication for your depression. If you seriously can't climb out of this downward spiral you are in, I'd seriously consider it. I don't know what they offer in the U.K. in terms of medications for it, but there are a couple of generations of decent antidepressants out there that should do the trick. (At least in the U.K. it'll be free, unlike in the States.)
I've mentioned this somewhere else around here, but the only virgin I ever dated was one of the strangest guys I've ever met. His social ineptness was off the charts. He was around your same age. I'm not saying you are like that, but as time goes on, this kind of problem appears to compound on itself. The longer you go without dating and interacting, the less you want to do it, the less confident you become, and it all ends up an enormous quicksand pit that you can't seem to climb out of.
You're right about one thing - depressed people are generally a drag to be around. I've dated a few of those. It becomes apparent after only a few dates. The biggest problem is that they are unable to give back - they are emotionally "blacked out," if you will, so that they can't often project any empathy or caring to those around them because they are wallowing in their own depressive morass.
The other problem with depression is you can't take action on your own behalf - whatever is troubling you continues to trouble you, and you become paralyzed and not able to attack the problem. In your case, this appears to be personal relationships.
Medication can help you climb out of this downward spiral. It can get you mobilized again. Then you can start feeling better and making decisions about how you want to approach the problems you have with women, or self-esteem, or whatever they are.
I also want to retract my statement about the nose job. I think you should forget about it until your depression is under control. Going under the knife is a bad decision to make in the throes of a clinical depressed state. You'd best get your emotional life under control first.
You say you have financial means - get yourself therapy and start working on this sh*it. And get a professional consultation on whether you need to be medicated or not.
I've mentioned this somewhere else around here, but the only virgin I ever dated was one of the strangest guys I've ever met. His social ineptness was off the charts. He was around your same age. I'm not saying you are like that, but as time goes on, this kind of problem appears to compound on itself. The longer you go without dating and interacting, the less you want to do it, the less confident you become, and it all ends up an enormous quicksand pit that you can't seem to climb out of.
You're right about one thing - depressed people are generally a drag to be around. I've dated a few of those. It becomes apparent after only a few dates. The biggest problem is that they are unable to give back - they are emotionally "blacked out," if you will, so that they can't often project any empathy or caring to those around them because they are wallowing in their own depressive morass.
The other problem with depression is you can't take action on your own behalf - whatever is troubling you continues to trouble you, and you become paralyzed and not able to attack the problem. In your case, this appears to be personal relationships.
Medication can help you climb out of this downward spiral. It can get you mobilized again. Then you can start feeling better and making decisions about how you want to approach the problems you have with women, or self-esteem, or whatever they are.
I also want to retract my statement about the nose job. I think you should forget about it until your depression is under control. Going under the knife is a bad decision to make in the throes of a clinical depressed state. You'd best get your emotional life under control first.
You say you have financial means - get yourself therapy and start working on this sh*it. And get a professional consultation on whether you need to be medicated or not.
Maybe some people will think you're strange or abnormal for being alone, a virgin, not married, but from what I've seen and learned in all my years, people that go through lots of relationships or married people are not any more normal than someone who has only had one lover or no lovers (as in your case). Being married or in a relationship is not a sign of normality. Anybody, in my opinion, can be married or in lots of relationships. It just depends on what you will settle for. Maybe you just don't want to "settle" for just anybody. You want someone with brains and who is a good match for you.
I can understand that when they asked you questions abt your sex/romance life, how uncomfortable that made you. It would make me feel the same. However, you must realize, and I can't stress this enough, that the fact that you have never had a sexual experience nor been in a relationship is nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that you are questioning the reasons for your singleness is a good thing. But, like I said before, I know so many married people and people who have had tons of relationships and most of these people are very unhappy with themselves and life in general. Heck, most of them seem a little "abnormal" to me!!!!
If you want a relationship, I believe you can find someone. You just need to be open to the prospect of a relationship. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck!!!
I can understand that when they asked you questions abt your sex/romance life, how uncomfortable that made you. It would make me feel the same. However, you must realize, and I can't stress this enough, that the fact that you have never had a sexual experience nor been in a relationship is nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that you are questioning the reasons for your singleness is a good thing. But, like I said before, I know so many married people and people who have had tons of relationships and most of these people are very unhappy with themselves and life in general. Heck, most of them seem a little "abnormal" to me!!!!
If you want a relationship, I believe you can find someone. You just need to be open to the prospect of a relationship. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck!!!
Thank you all for the positive responses. They have really helped me feel a little better.
The interview was a UK government top secret security clearance interview. I'm a scientist going to work on our nuclear deterrent. I'm not trying to sound pompous or anything, but nobody can work on this stuff without it. I failed to see the relevance of many of the questions, but if you don't answer, they won't clear you. I know (from US colleagues) for a fact that the US government does the exact same thing - except they use polygraphs!
I have to examine myself, and look at the reasons why I've been single. I think looks is one part of it. I have to take action in the right way. When you are depressed, you are very self absorbed and wrapped up in your own misery (hence my first post). You can't help it, but in a way it is quite a selfish state to be in. Nobody has everything going for them .. I'm sure there are many people in good relationships who are still badly depressed about other things.
I think what really hurts is that it is supposed to be a joy that is a basic human need. To not have had a relationship is a sign (in the minds of many) that there is something deficient in your personality.
You feel lonely and miserable, and you sense that everyone thinks you're strange or abnormal.
The catch 22 is that being in a depressed state is not very attractive!
The interview was a UK government top secret security clearance interview. I'm a scientist going to work on our nuclear deterrent. I'm not trying to sound pompous or anything, but nobody can work on this stuff without it. I failed to see the relevance of many of the questions, but if you don't answer, they won't clear you. I know (from US colleagues) for a fact that the US government does the exact same thing - except they use polygraphs!
I have to examine myself, and look at the reasons why I've been single. I think looks is one part of it. I have to take action in the right way. When you are depressed, you are very self absorbed and wrapped up in your own misery (hence my first post). You can't help it, but in a way it is quite a selfish state to be in. Nobody has everything going for them .. I'm sure there are many people in good relationships who are still badly depressed about other things.
I think what really hurts is that it is supposed to be a joy that is a basic human need. To not have had a relationship is a sign (in the minds of many) that there is something deficient in your personality.
You feel lonely and miserable, and you sense that everyone thinks you're strange or abnormal.
The catch 22 is that being in a depressed state is not very attractive!
Both your parents are spooks? Jesus, what kind of household could that have been to grow up in? Satan on a cross, sounds like a conformist nightmare. What, do they wiretap your room if you tell them you read The Little Red Book? Yeesh.
You are correct!! They do ask these questions if you are going to work for the FBI and CIA.. Both my parents were asked these questions along with wheather they did drugs about their money ect
The weird type of interrogation you mentioned is sometimes practiced in some ignorant European countries when applying for life insurance and disgusting as it is it aims at getting a confession out of applicants whether they are gay or highly promiscuous and may have a higher risk of HIV infections, thus pose a heavy burden on insurance companies. I can only imagine such ignorant questions to be related to security clearance in the bio-medical field. And still it is highly unethical to even ask.
As for your virginity concerns - I do understand how difficult it is to make any first step. It is even hard after a few years of abstinence, believe me. When I first lost my virginity, I picked someone I was NOT in love with. I wanted to see how it technically works and only then moved on to putting emotional comfort and compatibility first. I would not pick an escort as that may be too technical for your first time but I would not go through the whole shabang of building a meaningful relationship first either. Also, make sure you balance online dating with real time experience. Just go to a grocery store, take your time and start flirting with someone who has no family dinner or diaper supplies in the shopping cart....Practice flirting with real women as often as you can and then move on to whatever seems right. It will likely boost your self-confidence.
Hopefully that will also eliminate your desire for cosmetic surgery. It is one thing getting teased during high school. But take a moment to rethink the time between high school and now. Has anyone ever mentioned your nose again? You will be surprised how much grown-ups including the women you desire actually appreciate distinctive features. I would never want a man with a boring face.
As for your virginity concerns - I do understand how difficult it is to make any first step. It is even hard after a few years of abstinence, believe me. When I first lost my virginity, I picked someone I was NOT in love with. I wanted to see how it technically works and only then moved on to putting emotional comfort and compatibility first. I would not pick an escort as that may be too technical for your first time but I would not go through the whole shabang of building a meaningful relationship first either. Also, make sure you balance online dating with real time experience. Just go to a grocery store, take your time and start flirting with someone who has no family dinner or diaper supplies in the shopping cart....Practice flirting with real women as often as you can and then move on to whatever seems right. It will likely boost your self-confidence.
Hopefully that will also eliminate your desire for cosmetic surgery. It is one thing getting teased during high school. But take a moment to rethink the time between high school and now. Has anyone ever mentioned your nose again? You will be surprised how much grown-ups including the women you desire actually appreciate distinctive features. I would never want a man with a boring face.
i had a friend that "introduced" me to a site called sexyads. i didnt actually meet anyone, never intended to , but did do my "research" lol. you want to lose your virginity, you will find someone to help you out!! i just am wondering why a person has kept it for so long?
14 months??? with pay???? now that is a great company to work for!! ; )
14 months??? with pay???? now that is a great company to work for!! ; )
You mention you feel really lonely as all of your friends have moved off. Try visiting www.meetup.com
It's a web-site that facilitates the creation of social groups geared towards any interest all over the world so you should be able to find a group of people with similar interests, which will make socializing a lot easier. I didn't have a lot of friends when i moved back to new york as mine had all moved away and i've really made a lot of nice friends through the site. I've also known several couples who have met through the site. So it may be a good place for you to meet people and socialize without any pressure of "hooking up"
It's a web-site that facilitates the creation of social groups geared towards any interest all over the world so you should be able to find a group of people with similar interests, which will make socializing a lot easier. I didn't have a lot of friends when i moved back to new york as mine had all moved away and i've really made a lot of nice friends through the site. I've also known several couples who have met through the site. So it may be a good place for you to meet people and socialize without any pressure of "hooking up"
"lol barn babe you are getting yourself worked up on your vacation!! im curious to find out if he is possibly not from the US. i need to get another hobby, when i spend my sat. wondering if virgin man is being harassed by his possible new employer."
LOL.
Well, I've got no construction workers here on the weekends, so I'm trying to get paperwork done and stuff around the house, etc. So I'm around today. : )
I think "virgin man" has more to worry about than his job, though. I feel for him. Being a virgin has NO advantages, especially for a guy. He also appears a bit misinformed about STDs.
FWIW, which isn't much, my "vacation" is going to last another 14 months. Probably bad for you guys, eh? :D
LOL.
Well, I've got no construction workers here on the weekends, so I'm trying to get paperwork done and stuff around the house, etc. So I'm around today. : )
I think "virgin man" has more to worry about than his job, though. I feel for him. Being a virgin has NO advantages, especially for a guy. He also appears a bit misinformed about STDs.
FWIW, which isn't much, my "vacation" is going to last another 14 months. Probably bad for you guys, eh? :D
even for a high security job....it is totally off limits and illegal to ask about personal sexual history, etc. Rockrose - i agree, particularly for a high security job like the feds, they do ask non-traditional interview questions and have non-traditional security measures to ensure that the applicant is a "well balanced" person...however the means to which they ask these questions are not explicit these kind of things are usually evaluated with some type of written test. furthermore, an applicant's sexual preferences could include anything from engaging in same sex relations, BDSM, etc....that does not mean that the applicant is not a well balanced person...it has absolutely nothing to do with any job and would not indicate any underlying psychological issues.
lol barn babe you are getting yourself worked up on your vacation!! im curious to find out if he is possibly not from the US. i need to get another hobby, when i spend my sat. wondering if virgin man is being harassed by his possible new employer.........
I can't imagine working for an organization that would ask such questions. My personal life is off-limits to any employer I work for, unless I've had criminal charges brought against me, which they are going to find out about anyway. Asking about sexual preferences and about a history of sexual molestation with criminal charges are two entirely different issues, however.
I would also disagree that questions such as these are asked, if in fact they are asked, to determine "personality stability." It is naive to believe such a thing. Determining "personality stability" is sugar-coating for "we want people like us and we are willing to discriminate against you by asking extremely personal information to do just that." Please. As anybody on even this small forum can attest, "stability" in a relationship, sexual or otherwise, means nothing to inform behavior or personality characteristics. If the feds are doing this, it's to weed out folks who they deem "undesirable" by virtue of behavioral or gender orientation characteristics, or by personal living habits.
Off-topic, but how anybody can work for the feds under the current administration is beyond me. Just look at Gonzo and the USA scandal. These thugs are purging out anyone who is not on political point with their corrupt and illegal agenda.
I would also disagree that questions such as these are asked, if in fact they are asked, to determine "personality stability." It is naive to believe such a thing. Determining "personality stability" is sugar-coating for "we want people like us and we are willing to discriminate against you by asking extremely personal information to do just that." Please. As anybody on even this small forum can attest, "stability" in a relationship, sexual or otherwise, means nothing to inform behavior or personality characteristics. If the feds are doing this, it's to weed out folks who they deem "undesirable" by virtue of behavioral or gender orientation characteristics, or by personal living habits.
Off-topic, but how anybody can work for the feds under the current administration is beyond me. Just look at Gonzo and the USA scandal. These thugs are purging out anyone who is not on political point with their corrupt and illegal agenda.
Where are they asked? Give me some examples? No, I've never worked for the feds, if that's what you mean. I've worked in civil positions as legal counsel, and no one has ever asked anything remotely like that. I've also worked in private practice and never encountered any interview questions of this sort.
You'd have to be more specific. I'm curious.
You'd have to be more specific. I'm curious.
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