Loss of both parents

[della2224]

I lost my dad when i was 15. I was daddys lil girl. he did my hair, and when my boyfriends would break up with me i would go cry to him. We were so very close. Its been 10 years since, but i still grieve very hard for him. After he died my mother left and went back to doin drugs and living in and off the streets. She was only a few town away, but was still never there. I had to get a job and start paying bills at 15. my mom continued to use drugs, everyone in my family tried to help her so many times, but he addiction was to strong. 2 years ago she finally got her own place close to the family. She would do good for a while, but then fall back into her routine. She needed a new liver but needed to stay clean to get on the list...but she just couldn't do it. on Sept 1st 2011 my brother found her dead. And since she died i cant get her or my dad off my mind. I start crying out of no where all the time. I just feel like i have no one to turn to. I don't really have any friends, my fiance isnt the best at understanding and being there, and i have my brothers, but its just not the same. i feel like a lil girl when i say this but i just want my mommy and daddy... They say time makes it better but 10 years hasnt made it better yet..

[della2224]

You know its wierd because even though my mom put me through so much, we were still pretty close. She had the biggest heart and would help anyone as long as she had it...id say she was helpful to a falt. She would give u the last of what she had and end up going without so that she could help you.. And i did tell her how i felt befor she died. Probable not in the best way. Most of the time they were arguments, but we always made up, and she always understood. And if i needed her she would be there for in any way she could. The one thing that i appreciated about her was that no matter how younge me and my brothers were she always told us the truth. Alot of people say it was a bad thing, but i disagree. I think what hurts the most is that when my dad was dying my mom is the one who took care of him. And then when she got sick (with the same thing as my dad) She couldn't find the stregnth to do what she needed to do for her self. I know she was so lost without my dad. She just couldnt learn to live a good life without him.

[specialmom]

Hi there Della.  I'm so sorry.  I identify  with your post hon because I lost my Mom who was everything to me at the time she died.  I was in my 20's, so older than you when you lost your dad, but hadn't had my own family yet and felt like she was all I really had.  She was a great mom and she died tragically.  It has been 17 years now and when I think of her, I still can't do it without welling up with tears.  The lump in the throat comes and it is still raw pain.   Will it ever get better?  Not sure.  In one way, it is a beautiful thing to have loved someone deeply like that and to know they loved you.  But that leaves a great hole in your life.  So, this was my long way of saying that I feel your pain over the loss of your dad.  You'll find ways to honer him and to feel connected to him throughout your life.

The loss of your mom is different.  I agree with Rockrose about that and also I think after a painful loss of a loved one, all loss after that is a reminder.  It touches that same nerve and makes all of your pain more intense.  

One way to release some of the pain of issues that happened with your mom would be to write her a letter.  Tell her how she hurt you.  How her lifestyle choices were devestating to your life.  Let her have it.  Read it out loud and burn the letter.  Then forgive her.  Write a love letter after that for her and keep that one.  This may seem silly but it is freeing in a way.  

There are therapists that deal with grief as well as other issues.  This would be great to find for you.  I also think church can be comforting at times like this if you are so inclined.  There is a book called "Motherless Daughters" that I liked.  And remember, you still have your brother.  You are not alone.  Nurture that relationship and stay connected to him.  

I wish you peace.  

[brice1967]

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do.  It's hard... I feel the same way about my grandparents.  I miss them every single day.  

With that said, I'll say that I'm certainly not a doctor and I am nobody to diagnose anyone for anything.  You have a lot of things on your plate.  Talking with a professional would be a great option for you.  There are programs out there that make getting help affordable, but you have to hunt them down.

I had a lot of issues with my father.  I could not measure up to his standards.  After he died, I felt similar to the way you are feeling.  I never got to talk things out with my dad, but I do understand now because of therapy that my dad couldn't measure up to his dads standards.  Both of them were perfectionists, and each generation it just ramped up so to speak.  (Oddly enough, I was perfect in my grandparents eyes... they accepted me for me but thats another story.)

I think part of what your feeling has to do with the abandonment issues and not being able to address things with your mother before she died.  (I didn't get to do that with my father either.)  That alone is enough to make you miss your father, because he was always there for you.

Please talk with a therapist.  I can take a wild guess at the things that run through your mind right now, and a professional is the person to bring them all up with.

[della2224]

Thanks. i really appreciate your words. And i def have abondonment issues with, and because of her. She was a really great mother untill my dad died. i always had hope that she would find her way back to be that great mother i knew she was and could be, but she never did.. and yes dealing with a bipolar partner is very difficult but we are in no hurry to get married, and im def not blind to the fact that there are things that need to be worked out befor we actually do get married..

[RockRose]

Della,  I'm sorry you've had to go through so much so young in life.  

I think you're wise to notice that other people say time makes it better,  but you're not better yet.  The thing is,  you've not been an orphan 10 years,  you've not even been an orphan a full year yet.  

Having lost my mother myself,  I can identify with the loss of your father.  My guess is (just a guess) that it was easier to get through the really bitter part of his death,  because he loved you,  he was there for you,  and wouldn't choose to leave you.

I think you'll struggle harder with your mother's death.  She abandoned you several times,  and wasn't an attentive mother,  and now she's gone without ever having the chance to be the mother that everyone craves.  I think that's the grief that you need to focus on - not her death,  but the fact that you felt abandoned even while she was leaving.

At this point since you're crying all the time still,  it might be helpful to get some grief counseling.  Not focusing on the loss of your dear father,  but on unresolved feelings about your mother.  

And you might also consider not marrying your fiance.  On top of all the chaos and unrest you've had in your life,  a bipolar partner will also be another hurdle to have to deal with.  

Best wishes.