This is our relationship

Question

me and my bf have been together 5yrs now. in the very beginning I almost broke it off with him because he was verbally abusive calling me names making me feel dumb. He promised he would change and surprisingly enough he REALLY did....has never called me names like that since. 2 years go by and he met a girl at work who was telling him "If i was your g/f I wouold sleep at your house" stuff like that acting like she would be a better g/f to him. He was acting distant at the time and I knew something was wrong..I had that gut feeling telling me there was someone else...so he confessed about the girl and everything she was saying to him...and he told me he had feelings for her. So, we were about to break up he acted like he didnt know if he wanted to be in a relationship or anything anymore. so then he all of sudden changed his mind saying            He talked to this girl about his problems with me how I wouldnt sleep over and wanted to go hang out with friends, go to the bar every now and again , and SUPPOSEDLY she said "tell your girlfriend you have feelings for me and that will make her appreciate you more"

I think that was total BS!!!! One minute you have feelings for her and then you dont.....YEAH ...I think that was just his cover up.    I think he really did have feelings for her but then changed his mind bc he didnt want to lose me. After me being heart broken and him wanting me back we got back together after a few hours of bein broken up. Since then nothings been the same. I then, felt different. I still love him deeply but he wont let me be in love with him. Hes a big joker and always says the wrong thing..and he thinks its funny....but really it hurts sometimes and it pushes me away. I have a sense of humor and laugh at him many times but he can be so obnoxious sometimes. He plays video games like crazy and these last couple days its been all day/night and into the early morning he goes to sleep 7am. and then sleeps all day ever since he lost his job. 

anyways back to the story.He 100% denies he had no feelings for this girl..

Then, one day there was a new guy at my job.. he liked me showed me attention...and he definately made my bf so jealous. I gave my number to 2 guys throughout this relationship to guys who were ONLY friends, that guy and another one who was totally nice never tried to come in between my bf and I. and he didnt get that, I was not allowed guy friends and didnt like my girlfriends. He changed my number since we shared a phone plan under his name. Ok no biggie that was done with then...I wanted to go out.........I LOVE absolutely love dancing and going to the club with girlfriends. guess what? NOPE I wasnt allowed to do that "Your NOT going" so I wouldnt but then I started scheming sneaking out and going behind his back. well one night something happened and a guy kissed me. I felt SO guilty about it and told him the true story and I broke his heart. & I will never live it down ...He always \has something to say about it which is fine I guess I deserve that much but. Hes totally distant...I havent been out to the club since which it has been about 9 months now.& now  Ive developed some  serious health issues....ever since I was harrassed at work by a woman who thought she knew me...she was really psycho...she threatened my life and now I have anxiety  and am looking into meds right now..I mean its gotten to the point where I dont want to go into the store to buy something. and he says no i dont have anxiety im "crazy." and thats where we stand right now...him on the computer playing video games 24/7........I know what I did was wrong and I know Im not perfect by any means but I havent been out...hung out with friends or anything I constantly show him affection and try to talk to him but im just being "annoying" It really hurts.....................

AnxiousGurl · Answer

Thanks for all your advice!!Good luck to you too and best wishes

mami1323 · Answer

Well thank you hon.  Well Italian is Latin so there you go...lol.  I know how old it gets.  I hope you and him get a chance to talk and can work on some of your issues.  If not then I hope you move forward and meet the right one for you.  Just take some time for yourself first.  Good luck.

AnxiousGurl · Answer

my man is italian..and ive been told to stay away from italian men because they are too possesive....but ofcourse i dont listen lol. ..and lol yea it sounds better when you say youve been in relationships with them....you Wh***! lol -im just kidding!! & they say when your pregnant you glow...i dont know if its true but I heard alot of men find their girl more beautiful when their prego. & i must say I can see from your pic your baby is so adorable!!! Anyway, Im so tired of giving into it my bf as well....its getting reallllllly old!!

mami1323 · Answer

Haha....are we with the same man?  Don't take this the wrong way but is your man latin?  I've found that a lot of latin men are this way.  I've dated a lot of them...lol.  That makes me sound bad but I've been in relationships with them...that's better sounding right?  I do it as well just to avoid arguments but sometimes I'm just tired of giving in to him.  Once we do then they keep doing it.  Honestly, the only time he's been secure was when I was pregnant and right after.  Probably, because I was huge.

AnxiousGurl · Answer

lol  i was going to write the same thing when I wrote back to you....that I should take my own advice...its easier said then done i guess

Anyways

My bf is the same way.."your not wearing that" I tell him why not because you know my butt looks nice in them haha. he gets mad too but tough sh*t. Sometimes im strong like that and tell him how it is and then other times i fall into his controlling ways. Thats the other thing, weve always gotten through our arguments...well not really...we let them go..and weve never really broke up..its always been a few hours or a day at most. Hes not very good at communicating and I always seem to let it go...until im at my breaking point then he's like okkk ill be different blah blah. & I really think we do need a break..its just a matter of doing it. which again is easier said than done...i think im going to try and talk to him tonight about it

mami1323 · Answer

I feel it's a matter of control for these guys.  You see it all too often.  I can admit my fiance has some control issues.  The way I dressed, which was not bad at all.  Look I'm half Puerto Rican, I have boobs and a$$.  Can't help it.  I used to ask, what do you want me wearing a potato sack, that's the only thing that would hide it.  I deal with it but have developed the power to just say you like it or not, this is what I'm wearing.  He storms away like a little kid.  I think you have to do the same.  The only difference here is another woman has sort of stepped into your relationship.  The trust is not the same.  Then the other guy kissing you has put more strain on the trust, but now it's on his end.  One thing you are lucky for is you are both young and there are no children involved.  I think it's really up to you to sit and think if you really want to continue with this relationship.  Do you love him enough to work through the issues?  If you do, then you and him need to communicate more effectively.  I should be taking my own advice right?....lol.  Do you think you both can take a break to see if this is what you want?

AnxiousGurl · Answer

In the beginning it wasnt a problem him having girls who are friends...and I always stressed that to him but he said no he wasnt going to because he didnt want me to have any guy friends. Which I didnt have guy friends to begin with until he met that girl at work.....who he had her number through other guys at work...went to the bowling aisle with her and said I couldnt come...and came home with a picture of her in his phone.  So now I dont like him to give out his number to girls. & the guy that kissed me I think knew I wasnt very happy with my bf at the time and took advantage. so you made very good points. My friend I was with at the time that it happened im no longer friends with her..he felt like she was a bad influence on me...so I ended that friendship out of love for him.. so I know how you feel about your fiance not liking your friend...I had a hard time with it...I felt like he was giving me an ultimatum..which he was and i felt horrible for ending that friendship but I love him more than anything...and I was only friends with her for about 1yr or 2 so I had many more yrs with him.

mami1323 · Answer

No, I don't want you to take offense to me asking if you were drinking.  I just know that when we drink we lose inhibitions and that could lead to what happened.  It's good that you are trying to control it.  Look, I was young and did crazy stuff and perhaps like I said, the relationship has run it's course.  As much as it hurts sometimes we have to move on.  

As for the number and having guy friends.  I know how you feel.  The few guy friends I had I gave up for my fiance.  I thought it was ridiculous at the time.  I still think it is but we can't trust all men.  Some men may try to get in that way.  They become your friend, they are the ones you turn to for some advice and then the next thing you know, you are crying on their shoulder and they lean in for a kiss.  I'm not saying this is what happens all the time but hey it does happen.  How would you feel if he gave his number to some girls and told you they were just friends?  Would you be ok with it?  If you would then there is nothing wrong with it at all.

AnxiousGurl · Answer

I appreciate your comment. 

on the other hand....whats wrong with having guy friends? I gave my number to two guys who were strictly friends...they knew I had a bf and always spoke well about him to them. 

& about the night the guy kissed me what does it matter if I was drinking or not. Yes im not perfect Ive made mistakes im in my 20s what do you expect. Im done drinking for now...until I can be more responsible with it.  Is this all my fault?

mami1323 · Answer

Do you think perhaps it's time to move on?  Maybe you are at the end of this relationship and you know it.  Seems like you've had a lot of ups and downs which most relationships do go through but to me it sounds like you are done jumping through hoops for him.  If you were happy with him, you would not give your number to other guys and you certainly wouldn't have kissed another guy.  Just a quick question, the night the guy kissed you, were you drinking?  I think you have been making a lot of mistakes with your drinking so maybe that night was the same.