Boyfriend wants seprate lives

[Sasha90]

I guess I just want to see how others view this issue. Things between my boyfriend and I have been good. But the other day we had a conversation that made me think about us as a couple. I love him very much but he told me that he had concerns about how little time we get to see eachother, which I understand. But instead of coming to me and telling me how he was sad or upset he told his friends. I am ok with him telling his friends but I also feel like he should have told me. I found out last night that he has been acting distant towards me because he was sad, instead of being open with me he made me feel like i did something wrong for weeks.

During the conversation we also came across the fact that he wants our lives to be seprate. I agree to a certain extent that its healthy to have seprate lives but I would also like a relationship where my boyfriend enjoys being with my friends and my boyfriend enjoys bringing me around his group of friends. At times I feel he may not want me around because he is embarassed of me (I dont know for sure because I feel silly asking him). We have been dating for quite some time and Ive only met like 3 of his friends. All his friends know about me, its just that im never included in plans. (its not just him hanging witu the guys, its a mixed group of girls and guys) Should I be upset or concerned or am I over-reacting?

[specialmom]

I'd be out of there.  Who cares what his reasoning is but the title of this post says it all.  That is not a boyfriend. It must hurt you to feel like he doesn't want you around certain people and in any relationship where it is off balance for this kind of issue, one party will grow quite bitter.  And they often do not last.  I don't know how old you are and if you want dating to lead to marriage, but my gut tells me it won't happen with this guy.  I'd not waste time on it and find a man that is proud of you and will spend time with you with no reservations.  good luck

[Sasha90]

I dont know if he is embarassed of me for sure but I dont know what other reasons there could be. I have known him for a few years. We have been dating for 6 months. I have met a lot of his family and 3 or 4 of his friends but there is still a large group of friends he hangs with that I have never met. Those are the ones he says he wants to spend time with, without me.

[Londres70]

Wants to socialize alone....only concerned about his "private" time with you being cut..... wants his life separate from yours=red flags.  

Why would he be embarrassed about you?  How long have you all known each other?  

If I thought someone was embarrassed about me and kept me out of sight from his friends and family especially if we were dating for a while I would not put up with that AT ALL.  

[specialmom]

Dear, I understood what you wrote.  What I am not understanding is that you seem to be missing that something doesn't add up.  I think he is giving you an excuse as to why he has been acting strange.  I think he treats you like a booty call, to be honest.  Otherwise, he'd proudly be showing you off to everyone including his friends.  That he point blank tells you that he likes to hang out with his friends and have a social life without you is something you must consider.  What is he saying?  You aren't good enough to be around them?  He has more fun without you there and that is more important than spending time with you?  

See what I am saying?  Yeah, he might be miffed that you are less available for your private romance but is NOT treating you like a girlfriend.  

I'd put up with this for about two seconds . . . maybe.  You want someone to treat you like a princess and like you are everything to him.  This guy is not.  And that you'd have to nag to be around him and his friends is a huge . . . HUGE . . . red flag.  
good luck

[Sasha90]

What I meant was that he likes to spend time with me when we are alone. He fears that when I start my full time job I wont see him nearly as much and that has been on his mind and upsetting him. Instead of telling me that he was sad about the idea of us not spending much time together he would act moody and depressed. All the while I thought I was doing something wrong. he told me the other day that he was acting mean towards me because he was sad.

As the conversation progressed I said to him that I could keep spending time with him even if that means hanging out with him and his friends. When I said this he said that he likes to hang out with his friends without me. It made me kind of sad because I like when he spends time with me and my friends or me and my family. But to him he wants to keep his social life seprate. I am ok with him hanging out with his friends, but his other friends have their gf's around when they hang out in a huge group together, So I don't see why I am not welcomed.

It is confusing to me because he says he loves me so much and misses me all the time. He says that he doesnt want to cut down the time we get to spend together, yet he does not want me to spend time with him and his friends. It makes so sense to me. I dont want to keep pushing the issue and asking him about it (when I do that I feel like a nag)

If its still confusing I apologize, I have a lot going through my mind and sometimes its hard to articulate it the way I would like. Thank you for all your help though.

[specialmom]

Hi Sasha, I just want to clarify that it wasn't what he said that was confusing it is what you wrote.  They do not connect.  The treating you  bad because you aren't together and his wanting to make sure you aren't.  Maybe you are confused too?  I don't know.  But if we can help, please try to clarify.  good luck

[Sasha90]

Thank you for your help, sorry that the post came off as confusing. That is what he said to me. It was also confusing to me at the time.

[specialmom]

I guess I'm a little confused as well.  HE is saying he wants a seperate life from you and yet is sad about this.  Do you see where these two things don't go together?  

For whatever reason, you two aren't that close.  He felt comfortable talking to a friend (s) about it.  Maybe it has been bugging him and he spoke about it to friends and then told you that to make certain you knew how concerned he was about it.  I don't know.

But reality is, if my boyfriend said that he wanted us to have seperate social lives, I'd not be down for that.  Compartmentalizing one's life is a sign that something is wrong.

Another reality is that your communication as a couple is not good.  He showed his feelings through acting moody with you without telling you the real issue and you are afraid to ask him what the real issue behind the one excuse he just gave you is.  You two need to learn how to talk openly and express yourselves.  

I do wish you luck.  I think you need to have further conversation with him.  Tell him that it is unacceptable to show how he feels by acting like a jerk to you or passively aggressively making you know something is wrong without telling you what.  And then ask him why he wants this seperate social life.  That is very odd, to be honest.  good luck

[Sasha90]

I recently got a job after searching for 6 months and he has been acting distant and moody. I didn't know why and I figured I was doing something to always upset him. The other night he randomly told me that he has been acting that way because he is upset that we don't get to spend as much time as before. Then he told me he has talked to his friends about this. It upset me because he didn't tell me from the beginning how he felt. He just acted angry towards me a lot.

[RockRose]

Sasha, this is more a question of what kind of relationship you want,  and then go from there.  

He doesn't want you to be the center of his social life for whatever reason,  and you need to decide whether that's okay with you,  or you need to move on.

I really don't understand your first paragraph.  He's sad and concerned that you spend too little time together (by his choice,  it seems) and it came up in a conversation with him but then you say you wish he would have told you and not his friends this.

I'm a bit lost.  :(