What do women really want?

[DLG5]

Ok,  This question has been asked since the beginning of time.   Women,   answer it please!

In my 50 short years on this planet,  and perhaps the last 30 or so as an adult Male,  I have seen, watched and been in relationships with the opposite sex.    Never has any woman been consistent in what they want from a Man.

1.   You say you want us to be sensitive,  but if we cry at any time, we are weak and spineless.
2.   You say you want us to lead,  but when we try to, then we are mean and dominating.
3.   You ask for our advice, and then seem to use it as a gauge for measuring what "not" to do.
4.   "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?".   Do you really expect us to answer that question??  If we say "Yes", we're in big trouble,  If we say "No", you don't believe us and change the dress anyway.  You put us in a "no win" situation!
5.   All husbands, HATE when you bring them a spoonful of something and say:  "Honey, taste this and see if it's bad".  Well Hell woman,  what if it IS??   I DON'T WANT IT IN MY MOUTH!
6.   Laidies,  Men cleaning the toilet and washing the dishes is not "foreplay". (you'll have to think about that one to get it)
7.   We have feelings that can be hurt,  and even if we don't show them like you do, we have them.
8.   You expect us to change light bulbs,  clean the garage,  repair the car,  mow the grass and fix the house and earn a living  because as a man "that's our job",  but when we expect the favor returned in the bedroom,  suddenly "we don't deserve it" because your feelings were hurt when he didn't return a phone call or some other minor offense.

So,  please try to answer the question:  "What do women really want",  because to all men since the beginning of time, it is apparent that it cannot be answered because none of you know what you want, and/or what you want changes minute to minute.

Donald the frustrated.

[Agiesmom]

Donald, I'm glad our responses have helped you.  But don't think the grass is greener elsewhere because we all have our issues, our problems, our quirks.

If I were you, I would make a list of all the things you love about your wife--the things that made you want to marry her, what you would tell someone about her if she were no longer here, write down how you felt when you welcomed your children into this world together.  Gratitude is an amazing thing--being grateful for the good things you have will attract more good things to you.  I firmly believe this.  When I'm grateful and express my gratitude to my husband for specific things, I get more of the same.  In the past (we went through a very tough time about 9 years ago), I learned that focusing on what I did not like got me more of the same.

Try it.  Without keeping score (I've done that, too--giving a little and expecting something in return instead of just unconditionally giving and not expecting anything in return and truly appreciating anything and everything I received).

I think you will see a big difference.  You can't change how someone behaves or how they are by trying to manipulate them or nagging at them to change, but you can change your relationship with them and how they react to you and treat you by changing your own expectations and attitude.  (This works with kids, too!  ;))

[DLG5]

Wonderful, wonderful comments.  I can see that scenario happening.  The thick-headed moron!  LOL  

I wish I could be married to one of you!!   It's so refreshing to see women that actually seem to understand a man.  This thread has been very helpful.  It has re-assured me that my wife doesn't represent all women.  It gives me hope.  

If there is not one more post after this, It would be ok because you girls have brought me back from the brink.  Thank you.

Don

[Jaybay]

I am laughing so hard I've got tears running down my face!  You and I are married to the same dam man.  ROFL!  I went through the same exact weekends and did the same exact thing you did to get it through his pointed little head that entertaining ANYONE is work.  He still can't quite understand why we need to provide food for people that are here during the dinner hour, but at least he'll help with it.  The cocktail hour isn't supposed to last for 10 hours - at least, not an empty stomachs.  :-D

[RockRose]

I totally agree, Agiesmom.  Saying what you want is so important - and a lot of women think that expressing their needs kind of takes away from the magic.    Like,  "my birthday's coming up,  I really want to go see Seinfeld on stage".  Makes things easy.

I will say this,  though,  Donald reading your post.  I do think sometimes men are purposely obtuse.  I am married to a great guy,  really,  but there have been some rough edges.  For example,  my husband likes to have friends over fairly often.  Which is fine,  I'm up for that.   So on a Saturday morning he might say hey it would be fun to have **** and ***** over for a happy hour thing about 5.  Great.  So I spin into turbo cleaning toilets,  preparing interesting snacks,  buying nice beer and wine,  leaf blowing the deck,  etc.  All the while he would sit there very publicly NOT helping and grabbing at me as I bustle by,  and then accusing me of being all tense and stressed and "none of this stuff needs to be done,  it's just  **** and ****.    I have three boys,  and let me tell you,  toilets that haven't been cleaned that week are NOT okay,  it does need to be done.  So this pattern repeated and repeated month after month.  Then one day (this is great,  evil grin) he said hey it's gorgeous outside I want to invite (his friends) over this afternoon to hang out.  Great,  I said with a smile.  So then after awhile he said um that was this afternoon,  do you remember?  Do we have beer?  Umm,  I don't know honey,  the fridge is right there,  look and see.  Then later he said they'll be here about 3.  And then I said you know,  I feel so relaxed.  Every time you have friends over I get so stressed out running around and doing stuff and cleaning up,  and you're right.  It's silly.  Anyway,  I have a bunch of errands to run but I'll try to be back in time to at least say hello.  Have  a fun time.  *kiss*  And I left.    

That was 5 years ago.  That's the last time he's made fun of me for stressing when guests are coming,  the last time he's said "oh it doesn't need to be done" and the last time he's sat on his butt while I was running around trying to make something special for him.  Sometimes it just takes a nudge.  

But I do agree,  sometimes women are obtuse in their needs.  Sometimes not,  and men are just unwilling.

[Agiesmom]

I agree, Donald.  Men are very often expected to read minds.  I realized this one day, at the age of 23--my husband and I were at a friend's house and the woman said, "I have a headache." and her husband said, "Do you want me to get you some aspirin?" and she said, "No...that's ok..."  He looked at my husband and said, "Now, does she mean, "No, I don't want aspirin" or "You better get me some aspirin if you care the slightest bit about me and want to remain married"?  She laughed and said, "Ok...get me some aspirin--and a glass of water, too!"

I have found that the couples who get along the best are those who just say what they want to each other.  It takes the mystery out of it.  You still know a guy loves you and cares about you if you ask him for something and he makes it happen for you.  He doesn't have to be a mind reader, too.

Regarding your wife's OCD, Donald...has she had ongoing treatment for it?  Did she have OCD and no sense of humor when you got married, or has these things evolved over the years?

[DLG5]

Crystal,  I'm interested in one of your comments, that is:  "Actually cares about how I feel and if he did hurt my feelings"  Thats another post all by itself.  A woman's feelings can be hurt and a man (even a caring sensitive one) doesn't even know it!  She may then go off and pout and when he asks "whats wrong" she may say "nothing".  To the man, he believes her and goes on his merry way while she remains hurt and files the incident away in her long list of such incidents.  After a few years of those memories, the man is blind-sided when she rejects him.
If you say nothing is wrong,  then by God you should mean it!  Men aren't mind readers and are terribly dumb about those things.  

And to JayBay.  Again you make my point by being confused with what I want to know.  

Maybe to you there is no mysterious key to unlocking a woman's heart because you know the woman's heart!  You are one.  But a Man thinks totally different than a woman and visa versa so trust me on this,  It IS a huge mystery, for reasons I just described to crystal, among many others!!  I get the feeling that from a Woman's veiwpoint,  Men are stupid, insensitive jerks that need to be re-trained by women,  and that is what causes the chasm of mis-communication between them.

I have found this to be true of all Women, not just the one I'm married to.

Women are beautiful, wonderful and mysterious.  I love them all!   But the fact that 50% of all married couple get divorced is a testimony to the huge rift of differences that neither can deal with.